Monday, June 04, 2012
I'm getting ready to go see my kids at school for the last time. I'm sad - I really love my kids and I'm going to miss them a lot. My friends at school? I'm going to miss them too. In the five years I've lived here, they've made me feel welcome and I've met some of my best friends through work.
But there's a sour part of me, too. A not-sad part, a part of me that's angry. Angry at the state of public education, and angry that administrators could be so heartless in the way they let me go. In fact, it's kind of soured me on looking for another teaching job. Last night I talked to my dad (he is so wise) and he suggested that I look into other educational opportunities - non-profit places like the YMCA. I LOVED this idea. I just feel really let down by public education right now. And I love my kids, but at some point I just have to do what *I* want to do. There's a lot to think about right now, and I realize that a million ideas are swirling through my head, but it helps just to get it out.
I came downstairs this morning and found a note from my hubby:
"You are so strong, Carrie. Be brave today."
Lots of deep breaths today, and lots of thinking about laundry. You see, whenever I think I'm going to cry about something, I think about folding laundry and putting it back in exactly the right place. This usually takes my mind off of the sad long enough to compose myself.
Big step today, though! Yesterday I used my tri as an excuse to eat a whoopie pie and two pieces of shoo-fly pie. And basically be lazy. This morning I *almost* ate a piece of pie ("Today's my last day with the kids, I deserve pie") but then I thought better of it, and had toast and an egg. One piece of pie for breakfast will surely send me down a slippery slope, and I don't want to go there.
- drink tons of water (my throat hurts a little today - I think I'm getting a cold)
- think of laundry OFTEN
- get some job things going
- keep a brave face
- have FUN with my kids. I don't want my last day to be a downer with them. Because I am a teacher who really wants the best for my kids. I thought about taking today as a sick day, but I just couldn't.
Off to take on today!
Saturday, June 02, 2012
Well, I don't know that it's any easier a pill to swallow, but I do know that I got through today without crying! I even talked to hubby's parents about my job loss without breaking down, and I talked to my dad for a long time this morning with my voice quavering only once. At today's tri briefing, I ran into a friend who has kids in the district - I had her girls in music class - and I talked to her without crying. So whatever that means...
I have been complaining about this tri for a while now - I wasn't feeling it, I wasn't excited, I wished I hadn't signed up for it... and now? I am totally excited for it. I think this triathlon is like a sign. I had no idea when I signed up for it that I would need this huge distraction to keep my mind off of my furloughing. Really, this tri has been the best thing for me this weekend. I spent all afternoon at the clinic - I got in the water with my wetsuit, swam a little bit in the lake, and got to check out the transition area. I feel 100% better about tomorrow's race!
My dad was right. When I talked to him this morning, he said that this tri was a wonderful opportunity to release some of the tension I'm feeling. Sure, I'm still sad, but I'm getting over the devastation of it all. I find exercise to be very meditative. Even when I'm really pushing hard and training hard, I find it to be relaxing in a way. Today I was concentrating on my swim strokes, walking through the transition areas, and getting my stuff ready.
I can actually think about what happened without breaking down in tears. Hubs and I talked about what our next step would be - this happening was like a kick in the rear to move on with things. And both he and his mom suggested that I just take some time to relax and collect myself before I go on a full-fledged job hunt. This is a good chance for me to concentrate on my school work.
So it's time for a hot bath and a double-check of my stuff for tomorrow. I think the weather is going to be great!
Friday, June 01, 2012
The technical word is "furloughed." It means that I am still on my school district's seniority list and they can still bring me back if for some reason they decide they can bring me back, but at this point, technicalities don't really matter. Fact of the matter is, it really sucks. At bus duty today, I saw the superintendent and the assistant superintendent come in, and my stomach just dropped. I said hello, they said hello and walked by me, like they didn't even know who I was. A few minutes later, I was called into my principal's office where they told me that I was on the list of people to be furloughed.
I love my kids. I love my job, and I love what I do. I can't imagine not doing this next year. I spent all afternoon cleaning out my room, taking down everything that I had carefully put up just for the kids. Gosh I have a lot of stuff.
I am so sad. And I still have one day of school left, on Monday. Part of me wants to take a sick day so I don't have to deal with the assembly, but the other part of me wants to go in to say goodbye to my kids. I am going to miss them so much. I have worked so hard with them this year and I hate to not see them go - they need to know that I care about them. Because I really do. I am going to miss them so much. I have so much fun with them! I am thinking about having to say goodbye to them and I'm bawling my eyes out. My little kindergarten kids! Just the other day while I was on one of my duties, I had a parent say to me "Max says that you have the most beautiful singing voice." And yesterday, I got a note from a student saying "thank you for teaching me about music. You're the best."
Two colleagues came into my room today crying about what happened. I can't even stand it. My principal told me that I gave one of the best interviews she ever attended. I guess it's a good thing that my furloughing has nothing to do with my performance, but it makes me very frustrated at how everything works.
I thought I prepared myself. I separated all my stuff at school, I started looking for new jobs, and I tried to keep a light attitude about it. But nothing prepares you for when you get the news that you don't have a job next year.
I think I'll end this blog. There's not a whole lot more to say, and I just really need to get some sleep. My head is pounding and I have been crying for about 9 hours straight.
Friday, June 01, 2012
still no news. We were told that administration would be around on Wednesday and Thursday to inform teachers if they were furloughed. They didn't make it to our school yet. So I guess today's the day? I can't even stand it. I feel nauseous all day long. Just freaking let me know!
On the bright side, today is Friday. And I seriously need the weekend. I am tired, I am getting a throat tickle, and I really just need some time to be lazy. Today with the kids is going to be (hopefully) super easy. Yesterday was hard enough keeping them focused - today is going to be even more of a challenge. I bought some sidewalk chalk yesterday to take some of the kids outside and draw.
I'm meeting a friend for coffee this morning. We are both music teachers and we try to meet once a week to catch up.
Not much else... off to get ready.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Oh, glorious day. Today was a half day with the kids. I love the end of the year. I'm ready for the school stress to be over.
But there was good stuff today! This morning we got an e-mail saying that today was the day that our administrators would be around handing out furloughs. Well, nobody came to visit me today. Phew. But we were also told that if they didn't make it around to everyone today, they'd come tomorrow. So at least I was ok for today.
Drank lots of water, got some errands done, and had a good dinner with my honey.
Not much else!
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