Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I've been sick and hurting and lazy, so I haven't been a gym regular in about two weeks. Eek! Yesterday I felt good to go - I woke up early, got a great workout in, and then thought to myself "I really should weigh myself." Ugh. Two weeks of hardly any gym? Christmas cookies? Sickness? Got on the scale and... I nearly fell off! I actually was down at my previous low! I didn't gain any weight. huh. So that was a nice start to the week.
I can see how lots of people (myself included) put off the gym this time of year. Cookies to bake, presents to wrap, cleaning to do... it was so easy for me to say "One day of skipping the gym won't hurt." But soon it turned into a week... and then I was sick, so it turned into *another* week... If I wouldn't have sucked it up yesterday, I KNOW that it would have turned into "well I can just hold off until the new year. Then I'll get back into it." I nipped that right in the bud!
Two more days of school until break... I am looking forward to the holiday craziness to be over and the relaxing to begin. Can't wait to take some time for myself and get some important stuff done.
Thank you to everyone for being so supportive in my last blog about moving - it's a risk and I'm a little anxious about it, but I think we are making the right decision. We're starting to look at jobs and apartments in Vancouver; we are really excited! It's going to be such an adventure! I never knew I had this desire for all this change - I really think that by using Spark I discovered a lot about my true self.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I've certainly been getting my share of thinking these last few days!
When I was younger, I always felt as if I was more like my mom than my dad. I was happy with this - she spent her money when she wanted to, she was very close to her family, and she knew a ton of people wherever we went. My dad? "No way," I thought. He cut coupons, wanted to save his money, and while he talked to his family, they lived in different areas of the country. As I grew up I was very happy. I liked being close to my family, I liked spending my money when I wanted to...
About three years ago my fiance and I moved a bit away from our families. Only about 60 miles, but it's farther away than I had ever been, even for college. I have really gotten a chance to think about what is important to me, without having family pressure. (I never realized that this pressure was there until I moved away.) I decided I really liked getting involved in causes I believed in, running, being fit, saving money, living simply... things that I never thought would ever be a part of me. Things that really are more like... my dad! Who'd have thunk?
Fast forward to this holiday season. I have really discovered myself... I am confident in who I've become, and I finally feel as if I have defined myself. I know exactly who I am. This me is not anything like I was in the past. I think this is difficult for my mom to take in, or maybe even for me to take in, too. I feel like I'm not as close to my mom anymore. Today she called to ask what I wanted for Christmas - my aunt and uncle were going shopping and they wanted to know - and when I told her I really didn't know, she sounded annoyed. It was just weird. She also asked how I was, and I told her I was sick. I took a sick day yesterday, and I woke up with a cough and some chest pain today so I took another sick day and went to the doctor and got some meds. When I told her this, she said "oh, really?" like she was reprimanding me for taking two sick days in a row. I felt like a little kid. Like I had to justify being sick.
How do I get over this? I know I don't need my mom's permission to do stuff, but I just feel like in some way I do.
My honey and I want to move to a city in the summer. We want a smaller place, we don't want to own a home right now, we want to be close to more culture and fun stuff, and we want to live a little "greener" by getting by on one car and a couple of bikes. We have been looking at Philadelphia, Toronto, Vancouver, and Portland. Philly is closest, by far, to my family. My mom is not so keen on the idea.
But I called my dad to tell him of our plans, and he is supportive. He thinks while we have the chance to do it, we should.
I don't know if this sounds horrible, but I feel like I am a little healthier when I am living my own life. I love my family and I wouldn't be who I am today without them, but I feel like I can live my life when I am not feeling like I have to live up to their ideas of what I *should* be doing with my life.
How do I keep from feeling like I need permission to do everything? I don't want to disappoint my mom but I need to live my life, even if it means moving kinda far away for a while.
Sigh... 'tis the season.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Today is a sick day. Last night I felt just awful, and today is not much better. I've been living on the couch and enjoying my Nyquil.
Sunday was brunch at my mom's house. My fiance and his parents were there; we had a really nice time. The drive down and back was not so good - a bit icy and dark. But since I drive slow anyway, we made it just fine. The visit made me think a lot - how I eat now is a lot LOT different than I used to eat. So of course, I noticed some habits at brunch. Made me not miss being younger.
- Had on my skinny jeans (because, dammit, I can finally *wear* skinny jeans!), and my mom and I were talking and she said something to the effect of "well you certainly can't go any tighter" with the tone of "you are just about spilling out of those" which is totally not true. The waist is a little loose, and the legs have plenty of room in them. I was instantly transported back to my younger days when my mom would say things like "You're a 14 trying to fit into a 4"; "Well it *almost* fits," and various other comments that made me feel like a whale. I was so sad inside. It's those kinds of comments that I had put out of my mind. When she said that, I couldn't help but think of them again.
- I have a serious problem with Jenny Craig. I think it's crazy that people pay that much money for pre-packaged food and a weekly weigh-in. My mom is one of those crazy people. She has lost weight with Jenny Craig (well who wouldn't, when you can only eat 1200 calories a day?), but on Sunday I saw a real reason why those programs don't work. They don't teach you anything other than how to open cans and boxes. We had Monkey Bread for brunch (a really gooey cinnamon bread - yum) and there was some left over. As I was getting ready to leave, I saw my mom just picking at the bread. All I could think was "OMG does she know how many calories she just ate?" I knew that because Spark taught me to really look at my food. Knowledge is power. Most diet programs don't have people eating real food, so as soon as they are presented with something other than the pre-packaged stuff, nobody knows how much they are really eating.
But anyway, there is some happy. Yesterday I went to the dentist to pick up my new braces and both the dentist and her assistant asked me if I lost weight. Wahoo! I haven't really, but it would seem that the extra strength training I'm doing is paying off in how I look. Yay!
I have some homemade chicken noodle soup tonight, courtesy of my honey. He made some for me last night when I felt crappy, and I have some leftover for tonight. I'm so looking forward to eating it. SO much better than a can!
back to the couch for some TV, nap, and water.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So about a week ago I decided to change my nutrition and fitness input so that it would calculate for me to lose a pound a week. Now I would be perfectly happy with 1/2 a pound a week, but I thought that maybe if I calculated for 1 pound a week, I'd def be able to keep within my calorie range. I think my trick is working. Even though yesterday and today I went over my calorie for the day, when I mentally think of it as an entire week's worth of eating, I think I did pretty well on average. It's amazing what a little trickery can do.
I've been going back and forth on whether or not to weigh myself until after the holidays. I joined a challenge to *not* weigh myself until after New Year's, and I also read a blog and article about weighing in every day to keep from losing track of my weight. I find myself leaning toward weighing in every day. While I want to enjoy myself over the holidays, I want to stay trim even more. I am about 5 pounds away from my next major goal - at this point, even if I gain one pound over the holidays, one pound gained seems like a big jump in the wrong direction. Five pounds and I will no longer be "overweight." I don't think there was ever a time in my life where I was not "overweight" as determined by a chart.
Tomorrow is brunch with my mom and my fiance's parents. It's the first time that his parents are going to my mom's house. Big day!
Off to finish this glass of delicious Pinot Noir and then to retire to the couch under the down comforter. Some nights I think I could just live on the couch.
Friday, December 11, 2009
So this evening caps my week of gym laziness. I just was NOT feeling the early morning workouts this week. Too many nights of staying up late did it to me. The snow day on Wednesday did it to me. The run on Saturday did it to me. Whatever it was that did it to me, that "it" was telling my body to take a break. I think it was three weeks of going to the gym six days a week. That's a lot. Sometimes I'd go twice - once in the morning for my spinning/swimming/running, and then again at night for my Yoga/Pilates class. Talk about burnout.
This evening consisted of physical therapy after school, a crazy craving for Chinese food that I indulged with some General Tso's chicken, a craving for a brownie, which I indulged with a Betty Crocker microwave bowl - (Warm Delights), and a glass of Pinot Noir. WHOA. Talk about a cheat day. But tonight was funny - even though I mentally added all the calories, I didn't feel badly about eating like I did tonight. Sure, I gave myself some excuses, but I honestly don't feel guilty about eating like this tonight.
Because of Spark, I know that one day, or even one week, of not working out twice a day and eating whole grains and fruit/veg for every meal will not cause me to gain all my weight back. I know that tonight is not the norm for me. I haven't had Chinese food since I've been in China in July, and I have REALLY been laying off the wine (the wine that I used to love so much - and I still do, just in much more moderation!); I don't know the last time I had a "real" dessert! Tonight I took care of three cravings in one night. And I know that tomorrow is another day and next week is another week, and I have to balance out my life to be able to continue my wonderful Spark journey.
My wonderful Spark friends have helped me to see that this is all about balance. They helped me to see that taking time for myself is just as important about running a mile on the treadmill. My mental well-being is as important as my physical well-being.
Oh, Spark... I can't believe it's changed my life so much.
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