CATACLYSMICSTAR   2,817
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Things that must change.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I will NOT:
*Drink anything other than water (unless I am having milk with cereal).
*Have more than two servings of sweets per day (so whatever the recommended serving size is).
*Be lazy during work anymore!
*Make excuses to NOT be active - even when it is wet or hot out I have other options indoors.
*Continue to excessively procrastinate - all it does is make more work for me.
*Continue to be negative about my health - a healthy baby will not come from a mama who is unhealthy and has a bad attitude.

I WILL:
*Try to walk at least a mile at work every day (barring injury or illness).
*Try to walk in the evenings - even if it's just walking in place in my living room.
*Get to the gym on the weekends or on weekend nights when I have time.
*Eat one vegetarian meal a week.
*Encourage the kids to eat more of the veggies they claim to like and want.
*Purchase and take better, more nutritious snacks to work.
*Limit myself to the number of "bad" meals I can have per week.
*Be more conscious of the amount of food I am eating (and try to eat half as much).
*Stop drinking soda completely.

Acceptable breakfast foods:
A protein shake along with ONE of the following -
Fruits (berries, apples with peanut butter)
Low-calorie cereals with low fat milk
Low-calorie granola bars
One slice of whole-grain toast with peanut butter or butter
Single serving of oatmeal
Greek yogurt

Acceptable lunch foods:
Protein shake, and -
Whole wheat or baked chips
Grilled or broiled meats, single serving
Salads or vegetable options
Fruit, single serving
Greek yogurt

Acceptable dinner foods:
Water, and -
Serving whole wheat (rice, bread)
Starches (potatoes)
Vegetable OR salad with minimal dressing
Grilled, broiled, or baked meat
Fruit or yogurt for dessert

Cheat day: Sunday

  


Not better.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I just don't even.

I was doing fairly well on my previous regimine - but then again it has been nearly a year since I last posted. I ended up giving up the phentermine after several months, not only because it was an extra expense at the time but because it also meant taking off work early and driving for about 20 minutes one way to see a doctor for a short time. It meant using PTO that was already at a premium because of children who would become sick, or other committments that my husband or I had. It worked beautifully while I used it, and helped encourage me to take the steps that I needed, but it was not something I could keep doing.

So I stopped. And I almost immediately gained back the 20 lbs I lost.

Then in April I found out I was pregnant.

So here we are in a horrible financial and living situation, having not planned for another child, having to suddenly make a LOT of sacrifices because our car can't hold three kids and we absolutely must move before this baby arrives in December or January. We don't have the money for any of these things.

So I've let myself go.

Why? Because who really cares about me, or how I feel, or what I do? I am the only one currently who suffers for my own mistakes and choices. I fear the end of life but can't convince myself how important it is to upkeep what I have been given to stay here as long as possible. I will never be the person I want to be. I dislike my job but cannot leave because I am the primary breadwinner. I just want to raise my children. I cannot fathom leaving a two month old baby with someone else to raise, someone who will spend more waking hours with the baby than I would. It breaks my heart to think about. I hate my life, who I am, where I am, and what I am doing.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

*RENEAT* 6/25/2013 12:30PM

    I'm sorry to hear how miserable you are. I wish I could just give you a hug. You must realize that you are the world to those babies and that they need you to be the best person you can be for them! You may not be the person you once expected to be but you can be a person that you like and respect. Please know that you are important and that you are not alone - even if all we can do is listen... emoticon

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Is this an improvement?

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

I went to see a nurse practitioner in Canton, MO the other day (that's about 20 minutes away, for those of you who are not familiar with the area). She and I discussed my diet and exercise habits, and the fact that despite my best efforts I'm not seeing results, and have actually gained two pounds, which is a huge hit to my self-esteem and efforts. We discussed updating a few of my necessary yearly tests and then talked about testing my thyroid again, even though it was just tested two or three years ago, and the big kicker is that she gave me a prescription for phentermine, 30mg. She told me all about it, and told me to go do my research before taking the first dose. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared, but this is my second day taking it and honestly, I feel pretty good - better than I expected I would, for sure. I don't know how I thought I would feel, but there's no added fatigue, no cravings, no illness and no .. Anything, really. My heart doesn't race, but I do love the influx of energy that it gives me from making my body start pumping through the stored up crap it has laying around inside. So that's where I stand right now - here's hoping for the best. I've been struggling for a long time. If I don't make any improvements, when I go to see her next month she's going to retest my thyroid.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLJWATTS 7/4/2012 1:40PM

    You are under medical care so that is good- hope it brings you results. Keep on building good choices in your life in both food and exercise...

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PATTOMMC3 7/4/2012 1:32PM

    Hope it works for you!

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Midnight.

Friday, June 08, 2012

It is nearly midnight.

As I wander about the house, preparing for a too-early morning, my legs wobble and nearly give out on me - but this is to be expected. Tomorrow, they will be worse. Much worse. But their reaction tonight does not surprise me at all.

I just spent two hours at the gym. Two hours where I achieved a few new things and set a few new goals for myself. About 650 calories burned in those two hours, and some weight training done that adds in even more for a person of my size, and tomorrow's IndoRow session at 5:30 AM will burn another 900 or so.

I weigh 384 lbs.

At some point, I forced myself to admit that the only way I was going to follow through with any form of weight loss - no, healthy lifestyle changes - was to commit financially in some small form. One $25/month gym membership and unlimited $10/class IndoRow sessions later, I am finding myself slowly setting and achieving goals. They're ones that would make other people roll their eyes.

Walk 10 minutes on a treadmill at 2.8 mph.

Cycle 20 minutes at 15.5 mph.

Do 100 shoulder lifts at 35 lbs.

Do 60 crunches with 32 lbs of weight.

But they're things that seemed impossible to me until I began pushing my limits.

The shower was hard. I snuck into the house with all the stealth of a drunken co-ed, thanks to my exhausted muscles. Unfortunately, they have yet to meet up with the adrenaline still pumping through my blood; my body is done but my mind is convinced I can go a little further if I just TRY. I stumbled around, tried to keep the noise down, and eventually showered. I left the main light off; thanks to the motion detector light in the bathroom, though, I was left waiving my arms around wildly every minute or so when it threatened to turn off and leave me shrouded in nothing but blackness with the comfort of hot water pouring onto me. I bathed, and as I was drying off I struggled: I'm hungry. Do I snack? No, I eat a gummy vitamin. Do I use the self-tanning lotion I bought? No.. Not tonight, it just isn't worth the hassle. I go through the next few hours in my head, trying to make sure everything is ready.

Alarm is set for 5 AM. Coffee is ready to be brewed. Clothes are ready. My brain, not so much. I'm one of those people that functions best on 8+ hours of sleep, so tonight's decision to go work out before tomorrow's vigorous rowing class was not made lightly.

(Okay, I lied, it took me like two minutes to decide to go.)

Unfortunately, I can tell that the walking pneumonia we all recently caught is sneaking up on me. Despite days of antibiotics and no longer being contagious, my lungs bubble again when I breathe. I sigh. And cough. Figures.

Still. Everything is ready. Now, I sleep.

  


I was bad today.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

I expect to hear myself saying those words a lot throughout my journey; they're true, as for lunch I had a terrible amount of pasta and a breadstick and a muffin I know has more calories than I probably want to acknowledge, all of which I'm not proud of and thus haven't added to my daily food allotment - but this is one day. Recently, or at least the last couple of days, I've been trying to behave myself. Meaning, I've been tracking my foods and attempting to consider how many calories I'm consuming. I know that the main issue with weight loss is that you must eventually burn more calories than you consume, or you won't lose - you'll just stabilize. And even that, for me, is still a pretty big achievement, as right now I am slowly but steadily continuing to gain.
So I decided to take it a step further. I took the advice of my much-loved best friend (for whom I was the matron of honor in her wedding) and signed up for a free IndoRow class at NuFit4U here in town. They let you have the first class free - the downside being that I am not a morning person and the class is at 5:30 in the morning. This means that from 5:15-6:15AM I will be effectively gone, and then when I get home I get to continue my morning as usual. I have no idea if going to work absolutely exhausted will be a good idea or not but I know that to do what I can for myself, I HAVE to find out!

  


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