Wednesday, December 11, 2013
I feel like I am in my element now. True, I've only been consistent for the past couple days, but it feels natural. This weekend I had messed up and the week before that was hit and miss, but I can feel it in my bones- this is my week. The week that will give me the inspiration and the push that I needed. I think back to mid November, right before Thanksgiving. I lost 4 pounds that week. I had a lot of obstacles in my way- including Channukah and Thanksgiving- and I gained it back. Still, its recent success and reminds me that I can do it.
Last night I found some inspiration that is from days gone by. Its a picture of me about 6 1/2 years ago. I didn't know it at the time but I was pregnant with my daughter...just a couple weeks along. I was 190 lbs. A size 14. I remember that in that time all my clothes were getting really loose and I was thinking about trying on some 12's soon. I looked incredible in that picture. Maybe I'll have to find the printer cords and scan it to the computer so that I can share it with you all. A project for later. One thing that I remember about being under 200 lbs is that there was major definition in my colar bone area. I could see that in the picture too. One thing that wasn't visible in the picture was my back. However, I remember being amazed because there wasn't that yucky back fat. Those rolls had mostly disappeared.
Is that weight achievable for me once again? I've been trying for the past 5 years or so to obtain that prize- of size fourteen, "onederland" as so many term it. I was oh so close this spring when a former friend was helping me to lose weight. I had gotten down to a size 16. He turned out to be not a friend at all but an enemy as I sadly and angrily found out that he had raped my best friend on several occasions. At the time, I had considered him my best friend and wasn't as close to her anymore as he'd put a wedge between us (although we often put a wedge between ourselves, but that's a moot point and another story). It was as though my best friend died- both of them, because she's never been the same since. I had to quit talking to him altogether and avoid him like the plague. To make matters worse, she waited too long to talk (I wormed it out of her- I KNEW something was wrong) and was never able to prove it. They ended up leaving the congregation that we all were attending because the jerk refused to leave, telling people that he and she had been having an affair. In the midst of this, no one believed her except for me, my husband, and her husband. It was a very tumultuous time. They were the family that we were living with before we got our own place. Although they were receiving counceling, they didn't act like their jovial relaxed selves- especially her. To top it all off, she was/still is pregnant. Thank G-d the baby is her husband's- she got pregnant just before the raping began. So, I was living in an unstable enviroment. Taking care of her children as much as I possibly could was how I tried to help her. Eating was how I coped with things. Copious amounts of food was brought in or baked/cooked all the time. They joined a local church and my husband and I began to attend the home Bible studies on Wednesdays. I finally felt like I had a breakthrough emotionally because of the kind hearted people that surrounded me. Eating however, was not where I had a breakthrough. I ate so much food all the time. It's how I cope. Its how I've always coped. I think that this was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. Its not just that he raped her. I was next. He was making moves on me when we first became friends. I was flattered and interested which I am quite ashamed of, but his interest fizzled out when I was adamant that I would never cheat on my husband. He was interested in poly-amory- basically having a relationship with me with my husband's approval. That was never gonna happen. He didn't have any opportunities to try much of anything so he moved on to his next target, who equally was adamant about not having a relationship with him. He had more opportunities to get her alone. Yet, towards the end of our friendship, as I moved towards the weight that he wanted me to be at, he began making subtle moves. At this time he'd already raped her several times, unbeknownst to me. I believe that at some point, if he had the opportunity he would have taken advantage of me. I had a lot of fear for awhile. He knew where I worked, knew my schedule. I was so scared to walk out to the parking lot at night. I would envision him coming at me with a knife and forcing me into his car. Of course, it was all in my head, but the fear itself was very real to me. I didn't want anything to do with the diet plan that he'd nagged me about. I was using loseit.com with him and quit that, coming back to sparkpeople (I hated that site anyhow). Except, I wasn't ready because of my emotions. I suppose sparkpeople helped me not gain as much weight as I could have.
So, here I am feeling much better about my life and the things that have happened. I feel like I have finally gotten off of that emotional roller coaster ride. Really, blogging about what happened, is a release that I didn't even realize that I needed. I haven't cried about those circumstances in a long time. Today I did- still am. Sometimes we need to cry. Its better than eating . For me, this was the last measure I needed for healing, for closure. I'm still praying that my friend receives her healing, her closure. A part of me says that the only way its gonna happen is if the jerk (many other words come to mind but aren't spark appropriate- most begin with the letter F) sits in a prison cell rotting for what he's done. I continue to pray for that, it seems hopeless that he will ever receive judgement for his crimes . Maybe its one of those times when you just have to let go and let G-d handle it. I know I have given it to G-d. I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm ready to take back my body and my emotions. I'm doing it for me this time, and I WILL achieve my goals!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
This may not interest all of my spark friends but might be of interest to some who claim Christianity or Messianic Judaism like me.
I think I mentioned before that I had intended to do Yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know that there are some people who have a major problem with Yoga. As a believer, I have always thought that there is nothing wrong with Yoga as long as I do not pay tribute to any of the Hindu gods. I did some research on it today because I wanted to make sure, before I got heavily involved in yoga, that I could honestly say I'd done my research. I did find out that the yoga poses were created to worship Hindu gods. That didn't set well with me. Yet at the same time, I don't want to be one of those people that throws the baby out with the bathwater. I've seen it time and time again. People will get so over zealous about removing anything from their life that might have some root of evil in it that there's not much left that they can do. Then, when its too much to bear, they just go back to all their old ways- sometimes completely burned out on G-d altogether. When a decision is made, it has to be genuine. It can't be made because that person said this and this person said that. It can't be done to please others and it can't be done on a whim. I say that because I've made some of those tough decisions- like when I chose to quit celebrating Christmas and stop eating pork and shellfish. I don't push my beliefs on anyone. It is not for me to judge. But, I know that those were decisions that I needed to make and I've never looked back, never regretted them, never changed my mind.
With that in mind, I set out to make a decision that was right for me. I thought about when the Apostle Paul talked about eating meat offered to idols- that it wasn't the meat itself that harmed a person. He talked more about not offending someone. I think that in this sense its not just offending someone, but creating a stumbling block. So, I think that doing Yoga poses in and of themselves for health purposes is fine but that if it was offensive to another its not good. By that I don't mean when this person or that gets a proud aire and says, "Hmph, I would never do that. She must not have a right relationship with G-d." But if I were to lead someone astray to quit serving the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and begin to serve idols; then that is what the Apostle Paul is talking about. I did make one decision- that traditional yoga with all the Hindu meditation is not for me. I don't feel comfortable with awakening my chakra or any of those types of things. I like the poses themselves for strength and flexibility, but any version that is more "spiritual" in the eastern religion sense is not for me. Most of the sites that claimed that Yoga is wrong stated that it is wrong because Hinduists will tell you that it cannot be separated from the religion. That's where I got a little belligerent. Really? Someone is going to tell me what I can and cannot do religiously? No one can control my mind or my heart. It reminds me of the people that tell my husband and I that we cannot be Jewish and believe in Jesus. Um, no, we can and we will.
There was one website that I was especially interested in. Its www.praisemoves.com and looks like something that I could invest in for homeschooling. PE is apparently the most neglected subject in homeschooling. I liked how many of her poses were G-d centered or based on the Hebrew Aleph-Bet. She even has one specifically for kids. However, this is not something that I can afford at this time and there wasn't much on youtube although there were a couple of videos. What I did find on Youtube was the channel called Holy Yoga. This appealed to me because very worshipful Christian music was played and there was most definitely a G-dly presence. That is the one that I will do tomorrow. I'm not even going to go as far as saying that I will not do any secular based yoga at all. I watched a Jillian Michael's yoga video on youtube and I didn't see anything weird or off spiritually. If that is something that I need to change at a later date then I will do so. If it turns out there are specific poses that I do not feel comfortable with, then I just won't do them.
In closing, I'm not making any grand statements or shoving anything down anyone's throat. However, I believe that when making a decision, one must always do research and be well informed. I think that holds true to everybody regardless of religion. Know what you believe and practice what you preach. Nothing aggravates me more than someone who spouts off about something with little to no knowledge about whatever it is that they are being dogmatic about. I appreciate people who intelligently research things and make decisions based on truth.
Monday, December 09, 2013
I finally got around to doing the exercise that I had planned to do. I ended up sleeping in this morning due to being up late cleaning/reading. Then we did some school. I was encouraged because my rambunctious 3 year old boy willingly did some preschool with me. My 5 year old did 2 worksheets. They ended up being a bit harder for her than I expected- finding the short a,e, and i vowels wasn't too bad but we spent a lot of time on the counting coins worksheet.
So, anyhow, I did a 10 minute solution cardio dance workout to warm up and then stretched for about 20 minutes. I then did my planned routine. I think that the sandbag was somewhere between 25 and 30 lbs. I wasn't entirely sure as the markings noting the weight had worn out (homemade sandbag- 50 lbs of sand is about $4 at lowes and then ziploc bags and duct tape at walmart so for under $10 you can make a really awesome effective workout tool- well if you have an extra duffle sitting around. If not, I'm sure one can be found at a thrift store cheaply.).
I only did 2 rounds of the 9 exercises rather than 3 (the sandbag was used for only 3 out of the 9). It took me about 30 minutes. I really could have done more, but time is of the essence. I'll see how sore I am tomorrow and then on Friday when I intend to do the workout again I will increase the weight and decrease the reps. I have in the past used a weighted backpack to increase the effectiveness of push ups, but that was when I was doing a full push up. Right now I am just doing the knee push up with the 3 variations. It is possible that I could do a full push up with less reps, but I may wait a few weeks before I attempt it. If the full push up is not done correctly it can cause great pain. I should know . I have not had a lot of success with modifying a crunch to make it effective. A sit up however is super intense. I'm all about doing harder exercises in less time- as long as I don't get hurt. Eventually I have a few exercise items that I would like to get: a chin up bar to attach to the door frame, a workout ball, and a treadmill or elliptical.
Well, I am now drinking my 10 oz of juice. I have opted to drink smaller amounts of juice to stretch out the nutrients over many days. Obviously a larger amount every day is preferable, but not affordable. So I figure if I can afford to make 40 oz per week its better to have 10 oz per day for 4 days than it is to have 20 oz twice a week. Correct me if this logic is wrong. My husband prefers to have his 40 oz twice a week. Next month our budget should go up- that will help. Plus, this month we had to buy everything- all the spices, oils, etc all at once. Now we'll only have to replace these items as they run out.
I'm really excited about my exercise program. I find that when I exercise consistently I am more conscientious about what I am consuming. Better foods fuel my hard workouts. Junk makes me tired and less apt to be able to sustain me throughout the workout. Once I make strength my focus, everything else falls into place!
Sunday, December 08, 2013
Well, I thought that I was pretty well organized. I've worked really hard all week at getting unpacked and organized. I knew that come Monday homeschooling had to be back up and running- no excuses. It may be a light day as we're just getting back into the swing of things, but lessons will be taught and seatwork will be done. I am determined. Another reason that I was so determined to get everything done was because I wanted to get a workout plan up and running. I had gotten it all figured out and planned to blog about it last night but never got around to blogging.
I knew that I was going to get some items from my kid's god-parent's sister and even knew that what it was. However, I had no clue that it was coming today, nor did I realize how much stuff there was. My really close friend had called me up on Friday to remind me about it (We had to find someone with a truck to drive 45 min to get it). It was a couple of beds and the mattresses, some bedding, and some toys. Doesn't sound like that much. The lady who gave the items to us had just recently moved, so she was needing to get rid of a lot. There was a massive amount of stuff. Several trash bags and boxes with bedding, stuffed animals, toys, pictures to hang, and things for the house. There was a really awesome shelf with removable bins for the toys too. I was super excited about that. The beds were in fabulous condition. Really its a bed with a rolling trundle. The trundle has drawers for storage. There was the mattresses to go with the beds which were in really great shape. One of them even came with a protective cover and had a really nice egg crate. I gave that one to my 3 year old son. My 5 year old daughter got the nice pillow top mattress. There were some really nice comforters too, so they were able to have a completely new set up for bedtime. They were raving about how comfy the beds were. They've been sleeping on some really basic mattresses that didn't have a whole lot of the comfy factor. I had to put one of the beds together, so that took up a ton of time. We were trying to move the old mattresses around too to make room for everything- it was quite chaotic. To top it all off, the people that we were living with (same people who went and picked up the stuff for us) brought us all the rest of the stuff from their shed. I had been stalling on that one. I wasn't completely sure what stuff I wanted to keep. I guess one week was all I was able to get. Some of the stuff I just don't know what to do with and it is taking up space in my tiny apartment. I guess I will be borrowing their truck sometime this week to take what I don't want to the thrift store or to the dump.
Today just was a wild day. To top it off, I have a pile of dishes in the sink. Its my habit since moving in to never leave dishes overnight and to have the kitchen spotless before I go to bed. My back is aching though from all the work that I did today and I am seriously considering slacking tonight- at least a little.
Yet with all of this chaos (good chaos though) I am super enthusiastic about working out tomorrow. I haven't decided when I will do so. I know that I simply will not do it at the crack of dawn, but with school and everything I have to do I ought to get it done early. I plan to start with stretching (about 15 minutes worth), and then do about 10 minutes of a warm-up which will most likely be one of my workout dvd's. Then I intend to do 9 different exercises. Some use a sandbag which will be weighted at about 30 lbs and others just use body weight such as with the pushup and the crunch. I'll to 3 sets of each exercise. I do this in circuit style that way I don't have to rest between sets since I'm moving on to a completely different muscle group. In the first set the reps will be higher and then will decrease for the 2nd set and again for the third. I've done this circuit style of training before (a friend in the airforce taught this concept to me- he calls it the 999). Except, when I did this style of training it didn't involve the sand bag. I've used the sand bag before but did it with the more traditional approach with a minute of rest in between each set. I'm excited about how it will work at mixing the two things for my own unique workout. I'm starting with the weight in my sandbag lower than I used to train with since it's been awhile since I've worked out. I've no doubt that I could easily go heavier, but I'd rather not burn myself out. 30 lbs is sufficient to still give me a good workout but not over-fatigue myself. I'm planning on doing this workout on Monday and Friday. On Wednesday I intend to Crunch: Fat burning Pilates. On Tuesday and Thursday I would like to do some yoga and will look on youtube for something that appeals to me. So, my focus on working out is strength and stretching. I have no desire for grueling aerobic workouts. I would like some kind of machine though- either a treadmill or elliptical. I enjoy that kind of aerobic workout. I won't be able to get something like that till tax return though- definitely doing Craigslist for that.
Oh and if anyone is curious, here are the 9 exercises I intend on doing- in this order: squats, push ups, crunches, lunges, wide grip push ups, pilates double leg drop, dead lift, diamond push ups, and oblique crunches. Everything but the ab work are compound exercises meaning that they utilize more muscle. I will have to do modifications with the push ups and I am aware that each variation of the push up gets harder and I will have to do less (I think I can only do 10-15 of the diamond push up).
I will be tracking my food tomorrow for sure. In fact, one of my goals starting tomorrow is to track no matter what. Today was a horrible food day because I didn't not plan anything. I will do much better tomorrow. It won't be long and some of this weight will start coming off! I am quite excited at that thought!
Friday, December 06, 2013
Well, I am officially moved in to my new apartment! The past few days have been pretty busy but all in all enjoyable. Cleaning and organizing can be so much fun. At least it has been for me. one sparker mentioned her disdain for moving. I can understand that feeling, but this move was absolutely wonderful. So many people showed up to help us get into our apartment. Truth be told, we didn't even really have all that much stuff. Sure there were lots of small things, but we didn't have any furniture except for a vanity, a child's rocking chair, and an end table. Thankfully our roommates blessed us with all the beds that we had been sleeping on for the past three or four months. That was really nice. We still don't have a ton of stuff, but we have enough. Things just keep "appearing" day after day after day. People just keep blessing us, and for that we are so very thankful. Just today we received a gift of an entertainment center (it looks more like a wardrobe to me and since we have no dressers it will be used as such.) and new clothes for the kids. There have literally been times when I've almost started crying at the generosity of people. Its been way too long since I've had a real home. I'm not used to the quietness of it. Sure, there is still noise with my kids and husband, but I'm used to having so many other people that I have to be conscientious of. It almost seems unreal. I'm sure I'll get used to it eventually =)
In the world of eating right, I won't say that I've been perfect. There have been a lot of quick convenience meals. I'm still trying to get used to my tiny little kitchen, so sometimes its a chore to prepare healthy meals. I'll get used to it. I haven't started writing anything down yet, so that is my biggest downfall. There has not been many opportunities to overindulge though- at least not to the extremes of the past. Most mornings have been fairly decent with eggs and turkey bacon. Lunches have been more of just eating enough food to cut the edge off the hunger and then get back to unpacking. There really haven't been a lot of snacks either. Suppers have tripped me up a bit and since I haven't been tracking it makes it easier to eat more than I probably should. We've had one bottle of soda and half of it spilled on the floor, so I didn't get much of that. We had some sweets each night of channukah, but not an extreme amount. We probably won't have very much more of those types of things. We had to stock up our pantry, so there's just not money for extras. That is a good thing I suppose. I used the juicer for the first time since moving in. What a project! With hardly any counter space and a tiny sink it was quite a chore. I went ahead and did extra. I will not be pulling that thing out every single day! I will be making extra and freezing it every time I juice. I'll probably be juicing twice a week.
For exercise, the majority of it has been coming from cleaning, organizing, and pushing around heavy things. Sunday was moving day and boy was I sore. On Tuesday though I did a pilates dvd. That was fun! I'm looking forward to walks with my kids and doing consistent workouts here at home. The first thing I want to buy is a chin up bar that hooks to the door frame. I probably won't be able to get it for a few months.
One special gift was a pair of jeans. They are a size 18. Sadly, they barely fit. I can button them and zip them up, but they are very tight. I was quite saddened that I have gained so much weight that I am now a size 20. Part of me refuses to believe it. I had the gift receipt to the jeans and should have exchanged them. I couldn't bear the thought of being a size 20, so I elected to suffer until I lose the weight. Its the first brand new pair of jeans that I've had in 3 years. The others were a size 22. The jeans are probably the nicest I've had- ever. I am determined that they will fit better very, very soon.
Well, tomorrow I will be stepping on the scale. I will also work on making a plan so that tracking will be easier. I am so very excited! Good things are in store for me!
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