Tuesday, December 02, 2014
I'm back. I'm through the nervous breakdown that led me to deal with my past as an abused adoptee.
I'm though searching. I've found my biological families, to their mutual surprise. It's awkward, but nobody has been outright horrible and SOME people are genuinely glad to meet me.
I'm through the SECOND nervous breakdown, the one that follows a reunion, when the WORST of the pain shows up.
Adoption is a terrible thing. It was sorta excusable in the old days, when people didn't realize how damaging it is. With what we know now, unless a child's life or physical safety is in immanent danger, it's inexcusable. A parent should be given help, or a relative found instead. There's no reason to tear a person completely away from their heritage like that.
But my head is finally clear enough that I can get back to thinking about exercise. Yay! You have no idea what a luxury that seems like after the past year.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been having a nervous breakdown. The increased health caused by all my exercising set off my PTSD, which served up a dish of repressed childhood traumas. I found a good therapist (those are remarkably hard to find) who tracked it down to the fact that in addition to being an abuse survivor, I'm also an ADOPTED abuse survivor.
Yeah, I was adopted by child abusers. Or more precisely I was adopted by people hoping the infant me would magically "fix" what was wrong with them and their marriage.
That's a helluva burden to put on a newborn baby. Is anyone surprised it didn't work? Really?
And when it didn't work, I got the blame. OF COURSE it couldn't be their fault. What followed -- wasn't pretty.
Over the years I've dealt with the abuse survivor bit, but I've never wrestled with the adoptee bit. That was far too painful to confront. It's still "far too painful". IDK if it will ever stop being "far too painful". But I'm 47, I'm too old to use that as an excuse not to deal with a problem.
I've cried a lot since I posted last. Cried, ranted, railed, kicked things, cried some more.... Started blogging about it here: http://whosefacestares.blogspot.com/ And then started looking for my past.
I kept exercising though. And last week I got my head far enough out of my misery to notice that my clothes fit a little bit looser.
I looked at my Wii Fit data. My weight's been fairly steady for the last six months, and started to drift just the tiniest bit down.
So maybe I've hit the turnaround point where I stop gaining muscle, and my fat loss starts showing up as weight loss. That would be something to cheer about.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
"Hey, you've got a bone back here," my husband said, poking at my back.
"It was more padded until recently."
"I'm glad you said that. You know that 10 pounds I lost so quickly? I've gained all of that back, and another ten pounds. And I've added an inch to all my measurements."
"You've clearly lost fat in the front and the back, and you stamina is way up, so I'd say you're putting on muscle."
"Yeah, but it's a bit of a bummer to have such an oddball physiology."
"I don't recall you saying that when you're pregnant, you who have 20-minute labors."
"Hey, it's not all bad! And then there's the other sign my health is improving."
"We could have done without that."
"Eh, better out than in I suppose."
In addition to being a short endomorph with a physiology that runs backwards of "the standard" I also have PTSD. Whenever I get to feeling really good, my hindbrain serves up a dose of repressed memories. Since there's a damn good reason they were repressed, this is pretty much the textbook definition of No Fun. It also takes time and energy away from my exercise regimen. Not to mention my sleep patterns, emotional stability, appetite, oh just look up the symptoms. But I'm seeing someone, and even though nothing is resolved yet apparently my subconscious is satisfied with the effort I'm putting into it.
So all in all I'm getting healthier. It's a long and winding path to health, with nothing straightforward about it. But it's going somewhere.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I created a Pinterest board celebrating active plus-sized women hoping I could find (with luck!) 50 pictures. Instead I've found over 360. Wow!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Had a traumatic cognitive breakthrough-type thing last month. Useful in the long run, stressful in the short. Completely physically and emotionally exhausted right now. Trying to write about it. That'll be a long post. Have a series of short posts to get out of the way first, to clear the decks. Hopefully before I start posting those I'll have regained the ability to type complete sentences.
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