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I'm in this vicious cycle...

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

...and I'm not sure how to pull myself out. I'm overweight and unhealthy. I *know* I can do something about it. I've started and succeeded before. However I never have completed my journey. Hell, I've never even made it halfway there. Even then I gained it all back (plus some).

I digress though. This isn't about my past. It's about what's going on right now, in the present. I am so fed up with myself. I went shopping, yesterday, for a hoodie. Of all things and during cold weather you would think something as simple as a hoodie would be a piece of cake to find.

Right?

Wrong. Completely wrong.

Nothing I tried on would fit. I was in the men's section. I tried a 3x jacket on and it was too tight around the middle. 4x? My arms and hands got lost in the sleeves. I thought I'd need to send out a search party to find them! How could something as simple as an article of clothing, to keep you warm, be so damn hard to find? I finally ended up finding a thin hoodie that won't protect me from much when it gets below freezing and the wind is blowing so hard you feel as if your eyeballs are going to freeze.

I almost cried today because of this. I left the store, got in my car and did everything in my power to keep myself from crying. My mom was sitting right there and sometimes...you just don't want to talk about certain things in the moment.

I hated myself in that moment (and several others...often). I was fat, ugly, stupid and whatever other insult I could think of at the time. How could I let myself fall so low? How could I give up on myself ? Why can't I seem to stop this cycle and do better by myself?

I need to change. I need to kick myself into gear and get moving again and not let myself stop. I'm not sure how to do this, though. I'm not sure what I can grab inside of me and just be like..."Yes, this is what I need to do, so I am going to do it."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETNEWME 11/23/2014 10:20PM

    I know exactly what you mean and have had the same scenario happen to me a gazillion of times! Use moments like these to push yourself forward. Tomorrow is always a new day so don't feel discouraged or harp on these experiences. You CAN do this, trust and believe that you can!!

emoticon emoticon

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LETYAK 11/23/2014 4:37PM

    Girl you can do this but you have to be ready. You have to be ready to say no to certain things and make the conscious effort to health healthier and increase your exercise. Get you mind in the right place and you will be unstoppable!

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RHOOK20047 11/20/2014 7:30AM

    Welcome to SparkPeople. We are all here for the same reason, no matter what our personal story is. We are here to help each other to get to that healthy point we want to be in our lives. It is not going to be easy, but it is attainable. I have found that changing things up is the way to start weight loss. Make small goals and they will lead to big successes. You have to make you #1 and tell yourself that you are worth it. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. Yes you had a bad experience but use it to your advantage. Start changing things today and keep how you felt today in mind so you can you that to make the changes in your habits. You can do it! We are here to help! Welcome and get active on this site. emoticon

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DWROBERGE 11/19/2014 10:52PM

    Keep focused for success.

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AMCAN262 11/19/2014 7:43PM

    Yes, it is not easy trying to keep it all together when you feel like you are falling apart. Most of the times we feel as though no one could ever understand and even if they would understand, there are really no words to describe exactly how we feel. I have learned to trust in the one who can help me through it all, the one who is always with me, the one who thought of me even before I was a thought in my parents mind, I have learned to surrender all my fears, anxiety, doubts, to Him who offered to be my Savior and Redeemed. In return He has given me Eternal life, peace to live this life one day at a time, knowing that I am not alone. Jesus has taken all my shame upon Himself and has given me freedom to live without shame. He can do the same for you. He will make you complete, and when we are complete in Him everything fall in place, because we have given Him FIRST place in our life. emoticon emoticon

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CYBERCITYSHELL 11/19/2014 6:58PM

    It is hard going into a clothes shop and you see these lovely clothes, even in big sizes. And you take a few in to try on (just to make it worth the trip to the fitting room, as well as some won't look how we would like them to). And as larger people, we all come in different shapes. It is hard for the dress designer I think to get it the perfect fit for all of us that try the garment on-even though we might fit a certain size in some clothes. I totally know the drill, hehe. And it can make us feel bad. Don't bash yourself up about it, for not achieving goals that you set yourself and not being able to live up to others expectations. Be nice to yourself, nurture yourself and take yourself on a kind health journey. Get your mind in the right space, persevere and you will get there. I have tried a million times and yo yoed for many many years. My excess weight comes from a psychological background. And my past also has got me to where I am today. But it is good to get our mind in the right mindset and don't quit trying. It might take many more goes, but you can do. emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/19/2014 7:00:30 PM

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