Wednesday, November 19, 2014
...and I'm not sure how to pull myself out. I'm overweight and unhealthy. I *know* I can do something about it. I've started and succeeded before. However I never have completed my journey. Hell, I've never even made it halfway there. Even then I gained it all back (plus some).
I digress though. This isn't about my past. It's about what's going on right now, in the present. I am so fed up with myself. I went shopping, yesterday, for a hoodie. Of all things — and during cold weather — you would think something as simple as a hoodie would be a piece of cake to find.
Wrong. Completely wrong.
Nothing I tried on would fit. I was in the men's section. I tried a 3x jacket on and it was too tight around the middle. 4x? My arms and hands got lost in the sleeves. I thought I'd need to send out a search party to find them! How could something as simple as an article of clothing, to keep you warm, be so damn hard to find? I finally ended up finding a thin hoodie that won't protect me from much when it gets below freezing and the wind is blowing so hard you feel as if your eyeballs are going to freeze.
I almost cried today because of this. I left the store, got in my car and did everything in my power to keep myself from crying. My mom was sitting right there and sometimes...you just don't want to talk about certain things in the moment.
I hated myself in that moment (and several others...often). I was fat, ugly, stupid and whatever other insult I could think of at the time. How could I let myself fall so low? How could I give up on myself ? Why can't I seem to stop this cycle and do better by myself?
I need to change. I need to kick myself into gear and get moving again and not let myself stop. I'm not sure how to do this, though. I'm not sure what I can grab inside of me and just be like..."Yes, this is what I need to do, so I am going to do it."