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Tail Between My Legs ... but not defeated

Friday, October 04, 2013

I'm back.

I know I've made this post a couple times before but a recent image has me returning to what I know I need to do - a picture that is definitely not very flattering. A picture that reminds me I am EXACTLY where I was when I started my journey the first time. A picture I don't want to share with you all but I will because that is part of the journey. Admitting that you know where you are starting. Admitting you know what you have done to yourself. Admitting that you know what work lays ahead of you.

Yea... that's my back. My nasty fat back. And what is really sad - I was happy I fit into the chair easier than my last trip to my daughter's school. You can't see me but right now, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, shaking my head.

I'm ashamed of what I have done to myself.

With my first journey, I started at 300 pounds (down from my highest weight of 325). I lost 50 pounds in 3 months... and then it slowed down, but I had lost over 79 pounds in less than a year. I was a power house. I was energetic.

I was happy.

I get on the scale now - every morning out of habit, and have found myself where... somewhere I promised myself in 2010 that I would not return to.

300 pounds.

Well, 298 but that's pretty darn close. Some days, if I really go crazy with salt, I'll weight in at 303.

At first I titled this blog "Admitting Defeat" but the truth is I'm not defeated. I am not in a position that I cannot try again. I need to try again. I need to get this off my body.

I think that my goals are a little different now - I don't think its a "get it off as fast as you can" situation. Perhaps that's what got me last time.

This time I want to go slow and steady. Granted, I won't shirk at a 5 or 10 pound loss per week - but I think if I can at least be going down, even if its a pound - down is good. And once the down begins, even maintaining from week to week is good.

The biggest challenge between my first journey and this one is that I don't have any real "biggies" to cut out. When I started my journey back in 2010 I drank a LOT of soda and when we went to a fast food restaurant, which was practically every night, I was eating the equivalent of two value meals. Now, I only drink water, we don't go to fast food restaurants but maybe once or twice a year, and I rarely eat red meat.

I think my biggest challenge is moving - I'm very sedentary now. So I have to get off my arse... but the next challenge is right now I'm a bit of a gimp in that I have something wrong with the tendons in my foot. Those that know me from my first journey know my primary method of exercise was running - and that's just not exactly doable right now.

Not to mention the dreadmill is broke.

What better time than the present to get started - if I can get started in this mess, then when things clear up (foot heals and dreadmill gets fixed) - I should be golden!

I cannot promise that I will be spending a lot of time commenting on others blogs but when I get a chance to read them, I will be commenting. I believe in the give/take dynamic of this community we call SparkPeople. I just know I can't over promise in the giving right now - perhaps when I have more energy things will just be easier then. I could whine about my situation and why I don't have all that time, but I'll save it for a later blog..... after I give it some time to resolve itself.

In the meantime - Blessings to you and yours

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OTTAWABOUND 10/4/2013 3:01PM

    I came back at the start of this year in the same boat - took 80+ pounds off in 2010, then drifted away and then put much of it back on. I'm back, have joined WW along with Spark, and have taken off 22 pounds over the last 12 weeks, which is slow but is manageable.

Exercise now is swimming, as my knee and ankle hurt too much for walking. I'm hoping I'll be able to start walking and dancing again when I've taken more weight off, but the expense and extra effort of the pool has really paid off in terms of strength, flexibility and feeling good about myself.

Just keep working on your healthy choices!

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PENNYLANE15 10/4/2013 11:38AM

    we've all hit those times when we give in and give up. But whats important is that we realize it and its NEVER too late!!! Dust yourself and push forward!!! Reach your goals!! I Know you can!!! emoticon

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HAPPYMENOW58 10/4/2013 11:37AM

    You are on your way now!! Hugs! Sometimes just getting started is the hardest part...and now you are started.....Never give up.....Just keep going everyday....reading, sparking, journaling, learning....We are all works in progress toward good health....We can do it! Love yourself by taking care of yourself! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ERINLINDSAY83 10/4/2013 11:28AM

    You can do it! Keep pushing. Admit struggles, but you are not defeated! Proud of you!

Have a great weekend!

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Monday, January 07, 2013

What exactly constitutes crazy?

It's almost midnight and I got out of bed and had to write that line down and read it for myself.

What exactly constitutes crazy?

I know from my educational background that normal and abnormal are really on a continuum. What is considered "normal" is a defined range based on the individual. But what if my continuum is way outside the realm of normal for any human being on the face of the planet?

*lots of deleting*

I just wrote a ton of contradictions down and then deleted them. Out of shame? Fear people may laugh? Fear her husband could read them... although in reality that may be what I want.... one more contradiction. *sigh*


I watched the Biggest Loser tonight and one woman really got to me. She was talking of her beautiful children and her handsome husband. And in the next breath went into this vision of her dying young, leaving her children without a mother. And imagining who her husband would marry next - someone young and thin and pretty.

I have done that... heck, I've done that probably more times than I should admit.

I have done that daily - especially when I've hit a low.

Have you ever hated yourself so much to actually imagine your family in another life so they couldn't be bothered with someone like you? So you couldn't interfere with them finding happiness - that you were such a burden to them - that they could not be happy with you in the picture? That you loved them so much and you knew what was best for them.... and you being there, taking up space, was not it...

I had pretty much buried those thoughts for a while. It had been a few since they slid into the darkest corner of my mind. I can actually tell you the last time they were here. It is safe to say that I'm haunted by those thoughts and actually look at it as a vacation when they are away. I prefer it when I can live without them - sadly though, all good things must end, eh? That woman on the Biggest Loser though - she got a nice big paddle and stirred up some emotions with her little blip.

Could losing weight solve my problems? Did I gain weight because I have other issues?

yes and yes

I seriously feel like I'm going out of my mind right now. I am sure that I can say depression and low self-esteem. In fact, I'm probably right. Some days are better than others. This weekend was definitely not in the "better" category.

I'll go back to bed and roll over, ignoring the world until I fall asleep. I'm sure in the morning I'll wake up - perhaps a small headache from all the crying, and get on with my life. I love my family and I know they love me - its just that some days, I just have to convince myself that I'm worth loving.

I know its a matter of me telling myself "chin up" and "things'll get better" - but I admit, I sometimes wish I didn't have to do it all by myself. My husband does a great job of keeping the house together when I'm all depression-crazy like I am right now. He probably doesn't say much too me because he knows how sensitive I am about how I look.

But honestly, between you and me, I'd love to come home one day and him be ready for me - to encourage me to go on a family walk. May get a work out tape ready and have it ready to go when I get home and not let me throw everything out the window and find my corner of the couch with my laptop. Just to have someone here to encourage me to do the right things - not sit in silence and let me do whatever I want... good or bad. Just to encourage me. I am that person that needs an "atta girl" thrown at her a couple times here and there - and I'd like it to be sincere... but right now, I'll take whatever I can get.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OTTAWABOUND 9/10/2013 10:08AM

    Just wondering how you are doing and if you managed to get some help around these feelings?

I had a brutal revelation at the start of the year, too. I've been slowly working on my mental, emotional, and physical health. Has not been a steady climb, but I'm still feeling so much better than I ever imagined was possible 9 months ago.

Take care...

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TERRY631 1/7/2013 9:02AM

    Throwing you an "atta girl"! Nice to see you posting again, but sorry to hear that you are feeling like you are in such a bad place right now. You were very successful with your weight loss before, which means that if you can get yourself in the right frame of mind, you can do it again :) Have you considered talking to a counselor or another professional? As you know, sometimes depression is just simply linked to a biochemical imbalance which can be helped with meds. Talking to someone might also help you to visualize yourself in a more positive way so you can love yourself again, and realize that you are very worthy of your family's love.

Just remember, too, the whole "Biggest Loser" show is not reality. People in real life do not get to spend their entire day with a trainer doing unrealistic exercises. Therefore, the results attained by the contestants are not attainable by any normal person.

Sending hugs, and I'm also here if you want to talk.

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HAPPYMAPY 1/7/2013 7:55AM

    I'm so sorry for this slump that you're in. I understand so many of the feelings that you have written about. I'm here if you need/want to talk.


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Not derailed

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Hellooooooo, SparkFriends!

Well - I got on the scale this morning, 1 week later than I had planned but I did deal with a bit of a challenge. I am down 6 pounds from 2 weeks ago, so I'm happy with that.

The challenge is that my family came to visit last week. This is why I did not get a chance to report my progress last week. They came in on Wednesday and left Sunday - so it was a good, long visit. Last Wednesday I did come in at 289.something which means I had a gain... but let me tell you, that isn't bad.

You see - Wednesday was my mother's birthday so there was cake and ice cream. Through the 5 day visit, some of the meals were fine and controlled - others.... not so much. When they left, I was actually up a few pounds but within 2 days it was gone so I'm sure it was all sodium related.

I did have 2 pieces of cake from the original birthday cake... and then we had a party on Saturday, so I had a small piece of cake (read as... pretty much only the frosting) and one scoop of ice cream. I was much more controlled on Saturday. But my brother and his wife were not happy with the cake amount, so they went and bought ANOTHER birthday cake. I was able to resist that cake throughout the visit. After they left, there was a small piece so it was divided into 4ths and along with my family, we had a small sweet treat Monday night - and now it is all gone.


I am rather proud I did not jump into the second cake because cake is a serious weekness for me. I think cake is the bomb-diggidy.

So - I'm back to tracking most of what I eat and then hopefully I'll get back to my treadmill very soon - but if anything, I think I am focusing more on core exercises and weights than running. I would like to tone up along with lose weight and I'm ok with it not going as fast as it did last time.

Until next time, God Bless and Many Successes

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYMAPY 7/12/2012 5:14AM

    I think once you realize that you can think beyond those things that cause us to slip and eat mindlessly is a huge step! I'm proud of you, Cris, for indulging yourself to celebrate but being careful with that indulgence! Please keep us up to date as to how your exercising is going!


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LOPEYP 7/11/2012 12:16PM

    Sounds like you had a plan and stuck to it. That's the way to do it! emoticon

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SGRAY478 7/11/2012 10:03AM

    Awesome! Way to have control with that cake! I am the same way with sweet treats! And great about your loss!

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Its good to try something new now and then...

Monday, July 02, 2012

I have always been a person that was willing to try something new (now, read this as new - not crazy). I have also been a parent that encourages my kids to try something new. I have often been heard saying "you should try something new every day" and "you should learn something new every day."

On Saturday - as far as my weight loss is concerned, I did both. I learned how to cook a spaghetti squash in the microwave AND tried spaghetti squash for the first time.

I had heard somewhere once long ago that you can replace half your spaghetti noodles with spaghetti squash noodles. Then you get a serving of vegetable along with fewer calories and carbs. Win-Win I thought... but never tried it until Saturday.

I must admit - I really liked it. I tried it plain (out of the microwave) and I liked it. I could see myself eating it on its own, maybe a little bit of butter and salt - much like a baked potato. I thought it had a very light flavor - a blank canvas food, as I often call them. I felt it tasted a little starchy so it may make a good potato replacement too. My son said it was "ok" which translates into I won't gag now but don't expect me to eat it ever again and my daughter thought it was nasty from the first moment she laid eyes on it. Honestly, this was quite the role reversal on their part and I was a little surprised since they are fruit and veggie lovers. To each their own - I was at least glad they tried it.

After we all had a turn at sticking our fingers into the bowl to try it plain, I took the leap - I put half my spaghetti on the plate and tossed in a huge spoonful (a good cup) of the squash. I mixed it all up with my sauce and took a bite.

I must admit - the texture was a little strange at first. Obviously, spaghetti noodles are squishy. The squash was not squishy - it still had a little firmness too it. Once I bypassed the texture change, it tasted like spaghetti. Because the squash is a "blank canvas food" - it absorbed the tomato sauce and blended with the noodles.

Now, I've been told in the past of various "replacements" that can be made and after trying them I say "uhm... what is wrong with your tastebuds?"; however, this isn't half bad. Again - the texture is a little different than spaghetti but not in a bad way. I'll definitely be making my spaghetti like this again.

Now, how did I cook it? I know a lot of you probably already know how but I figured I'd share it here in case someone reading this blog has no idea how to cook one.

First, I washed it and followed that by cutting it in half. I scooped out the seeds with a spoon and then used the knife to puncture holes all over the flesh of the vegetable. I used my butter flavored cooking spray and gave the meat side of the vegetable a light squirt. I lightly salted and peppered the meat side as well.

I then turned both sides meat side down onto a microwave safe plate. I wrapped it with plastic wrap and poked a few holes in the plastic wrap with the knife. I microwaved it on high for 7 minutes. I have a rotation plate in my microwave so if you don't, you will need to stop every couple minutes and give your plate a turn.

I knew the veggie was done because it was soft to touch, tender enough to easily poke with a knife, but was not squishy.

I took it out of the microwave (cafefully - its hot) and removed the plastic wrap (again - hot hot hot steam!). I turned the veggie meat side up and used a fork to "fluff" the insides out so it looked like spaghetti noodles.

It was SO easy and really tasty. I've since been dreaming up different ways to use spaghetti squash in my meal plan.

EDITED to show the difference between whole wheat spaghetti (what I normally get) and the spaghetti squash. Keep in mind I easily eat 2 cups of pasta at any given meal (love the stuff!) even though I know I shouldn't. So this time, I probably ate 2 cups of the squash and less than a cup of actual pasta. Other than the sodium, I definitely reaped the benefits of this hearty, much-too-often-over-looked vegetable.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYMAPY 7/2/2012 10:28PM

    I love using spaghetti squash to make a "Spaghetti Pie" ... I think I got the recipe on here, look it up and try it! Your taste buds will love you!

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SGRAY478 7/2/2012 4:13PM

    Wow! I never knew that spaghetti squash was that Healthy! I am going to Have to substitute from now on!!

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06-29-2012 Accountability Check

Friday, June 29, 2012

Yesterday I had 2234 of 1710 calories and 3934 of 2300 sodium.

Yup, I went over in both - but I will say seeing the number is a good thing and I probably would have went over if I wasn't tracking. I guarantee that in the last year+ that I have not tracked, I've probably eaten well over 4000 calories most days.

Sad, eh?

So while I did go over, it wasn't that bad. And to make it even better - I exercised yesterday.

Indeed - I did a few reps with hand weights, did some push ups and crunches using my swiss ball, did some leg curls on the weight bench and finished with 1/8 mile on the dreadmill. I only did 1/8 because I was barefoot. I know I know - you would think I would have learned from that one time I did 2 miles (or whatever it was) barefoot and ended up with HUGE blisters on the bottom of my feet. But oh no... I did 1/8 barefoot. Half of that I walked, the other half I sloooooow jogged.

No worries - no blisters today.

It did make me want to get a pair of those vibram running shoes. My legs were more comfortable jogging barefoot than they were with running shoes... even when I was at the 230 mark a couple years ago. Granted, a 300 pound runner (ok. 296 to be technical) may be too hard on her feet. But... that 1/16 of a slooooow jog actually made me want to run.

Now - one little issue. The man caught me at the door yesterday, when he realized I was for-real-serious-this-time about exercising that the tread on the treadmill had slipped. You can only really use it without holding on at an incline of 6. He may as well have put a knife through my heart! I relied so heavily on the treadmill to lose weight the first time - how in the world will I lose it now!

It took a moment for me to actually think about it.. I figure I can walk at an incline of 5... running, not so much. So.. I'm just going to have to deal with it and see if I can get it fixed or find one on sale somewhere for a couple hundred. I really do rely on the treadmill a LOT - its not easy for me to just up and go for a jog. BUT I am not going to let this put me off track (pardon the pun) - maybe that is what I will use my google money for - a couple payouts from that and I could have a new treadmill (granted, I was going to use it to pay off medical bills UGH So if you want to go to my blog and click some ads LOL just kidding!)

A follow-up on the email I sent the man about eating at 4 (not sure if you caught that in yesterday's blog or not) but he responded back to me and said "I support you - it doesn't hurt my feelings. I don't like eating that early either but I like eating with the family AND I don't want to grab junk at work" - so.. it is good to know he is 100% supportive, as he was last time.

He and the kids ate dinner early (per norm) - I relaxed on the couch with my foot elevated (been having trouble with swelling lately) and knitted. He left and I went downstairs to work out. After I worked out, I fixed me a plate of now-cold food and enjoyed. And ya know, it was the macaroni salad that put me over in calories/sodium today... but it was still good!

Today I want to do the same. I want to go home, relax a little and then work out some. I think I am going to try to do one of the suggested beginner full-body workouts with the swiss ball and see how that goes for the night. Then perhaps tomorrow can be a running day.... of course, I may switch that since I got the weird urge to run again...

That's never happened before.

Until next time -

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SGRAY478 6/29/2012 12:39PM

    Personally, when I restart, I usually spend the first two weeks eating semi-normal (meaning - above my goals) so I can really see where my trouble areas are (which foods are crazy bad, what meals are triggers, etc.), then work on my goals from there.

I can tell you, currently I am struggling with eating too! I have been over my goals for over half of June!

Good luck with the treadmill! And glad to hear that the Mr. is super supportive!

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MSROZZIE 6/29/2012 9:54AM

    Keep at your goals and you will succeed. Good luck on your weight and exercise journey. Spark On! emoticon

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