Sunday, August 24, 2014
The dungeon of my past~
Controlling my existance~
Biting and spitting~
Haunting,OMG they're taunting~
I don't need them, I know~
They've ruled me so far~
Hunted,yes dam right~
They've stunted me for sure~
Letting them go~
Throwing them out~
I have the power~
Demons from the past~
Scarred my exterior~
Scorched my internal shell~
Enclosed I hid~
Hidden from what could have been~
I did escape,the embers still burn though~
The trolls from yesterday surround me~
Waiting they stomp and make me fall~
Stampeding ,they're fast~
I climb back up,and sitting in the distance~
They are waiting,watching and waiting~
In different forms they bite,lash out at me~
The battle isn't over~
Yesterday's child she is different~
She knows the rules~
Tomorrow-she will win~
Until then, she will continue~
The journey isn't over~
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Hey there Sparkies, it has been a while since I put virtual pen to paper. And did a blog, and I have almost done so a few times. It has been a very changing year in so many ways. With ups and downs, new job that came with so many emotions. Which I told you's about the bullying, there's been the gossip mill. Me facing my trumatic childhood with going back and working in and facing this environment. Where I work is just like stepping into my younger shoes when I used to visit my treasured long lost and dearly loved mum. My mum lived in a place like I work at and this time I am seeing everything from another angle. How the residents get cared for,how their life is dominated by rules,routines,their very existance is done on a timeframe. A routine, how they are in other peoples hands. Their home is an institution that is monitored by staff. People who look after them,change them,dress them, feed them. And some of the people are a little bit independant. My mum was like the ones who were very dependant on the workers care. She couldn't dress herself,or get herself off to the toilet,feed herself,she couldn't stand,or even use her arms. Or see, she couldn't see. So it has been very much a mixture of emotions working here. I'm not saying that the residents get treated badly at all. I can guarantee that when I am around no person that I am going to work to care for will be treated wrongly in my presence. Looking back on being a child going to see her sick mother and learning through seeing other sick people I learned to care. Nobody taught me, I saw vulnerable people and I became like an advocate for the underdog. Any kind of underdog, even ones that I shouldn't have been there supporter. Now as a middle aged adult, much older than my mum lived to be I am seeing things and amongest them from this angle. And I have worked in a hospital before, I worked where my mum lived.I began working there not long after mum died. I even worked in the ward mum was in, which was to say the least-odd. I didn't work on the caring side, I was a kitchen assistant. And when I worked in mum's ward I manned the kitchen myself there. I survived my childhood by blocking things out that I couldn't deal with. And so much of my childhood was not easy. It was in my fourties with my soul searching , blogging and a very helpful online friend that I began coming out of my shell, by beginning to let loose some of my past hidden sadness,truama,abuse. In the form of writing. So, in a sense it is like reentering the lions den of my hidden past that I am facing my demons(some of them)when I walk into my work. Anyway, when I began this blog this wasn't the angle I was going to go in. But, when I write I can express myself in a way I can't in verbal communication.
So off the subject cause I know it is deep, and sometimes in other blogs I have said parts of this stuff. But people who have not walked in the shoes of another person can't always comprehend how wounds can last a life time. And no matter how other people can wonder why some people carry their past with them. The past sometimes haunts us, scars can be unseen but be so much as visable to the one carrying them as they are invisable to the onlooker.
Anyway, I turned fifty. And it is so much a milestone for me. I love being fifty, I have not reached my health goals I set myself. I am on a mission to achieve them though. I am still working towards getting back to my spark page ticker. I am working on it,and have now set myself the goal of being under 100 kilos by christmas. Which is just over four months. There is no reason or excuse to stop me achieving it. I am totally on a mission and I am going to make this part of my life be a time to change so many things.I have never learnt to drive a car, that is something I may consider in the next year or two. I need to have my eyes tested, I am going to do that. My health of course is number one on my list and that means getting in shape. I am going to get in shape. I am going to work on that inside and out. I am still in need of counselling, and I am going to look into that. I am going to get there.
For my fiftieth birthday my kids went to so much much effort to make sure I had a great time. My son goes to amazing levels for his ole mum. He is a huge inspiration in what and how he achieves things he sets out to do. I had a lovely day, it was last Saturday. My family and best friend came over and we had a nice little get together. Me and the kids partied on-for the next two days, it was great. I am sorry about the deep,negitive past stuff. It is a part of me, and a few years back I wouldn't have said a word,or blogged I was a quiet person consumed,lost in her own quietness. I probably looked like a "jolly fat person", so many people comment how large people are so happy. I am not a person who fits into any catorgories , I am a no conformer. My smiley face hid what I hid from myself. It helped me get to where I am now.
I hope everyone is okay and I have been visiting spark people daily. I am glad to see lots of Sparkies sticking to there goals, and working towards their achievements. And lots who are still working at it and will get there by never giving up. Determination is so important and so is perseverance, getting our minds in the right place.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Hello Sparkies!! I know I haven't blogged in so long or even changed my status or spent more than a short time in here for so long. But I haven't left, I haven't gone mad, I am still a Sparkie. And dam right-I'M NOT MAD!!! Oh but believe me, for the last few weeks I was beginning to look at myself sideways!! I was questioning my own sanity. And I have been depressed quite a bit, but I believe I am finding myself again. The Shell I know, the weird, and even eccentric one-but not the "Mad Shell". As I've mentioned in a blog or two I have a thing about being called,or treated as if I am dumb. I grew up believing myself to be extremely dumb and maybe a little retarded.
So my first week or two were great, I loved it at my new job. Until a worker that had been there awhile started saying how I was too slow. And at first she meant at getting the job done-speed. No, not because of my weight, but putting the routine into action and doing it as quick as possible to make the routine work just like a routine should. Well, me being me has always hated routines, avoided and did whatever I could in the past to be not a routine person-as much as you can with routines to follow-if you get what I mean. I started to like my new job less and was suffering depression quite a bit of the time. Then one day when she was saying again how slow I was and she thought I needed more training, I got annoyed and we had a bit of a verbal fight. I still had more orientating to do at that stage. Things went down hill from there. I yelled to her some stuff that she was "not so brilliant at" etc and she said ah your thick. And it went down hill from there. It made her hard to work with, if I was working with her. And somehow I seemed to fit what she said "thick". It's like I would do stupid things, or not express how I'd been shown or told how to do certain things of the routine or how they do them at work.
I was starting to think I was mad, or going mad. Then today when I came home I thought of "menopause" and looked that up. It said being "perimenopausal you can get a "fuzzy brain" or brain fog or memory trouble due to the lower estrogen levels. Which can have an impact on the neurotransmitters which effect mood,and cognitive function etc. It was like a load off my mind, because the last two or three weeks I have been doing odd things and not seemed like a very smart cookie at all.And I am not a brain box, but I'm not a complete moron either. So, I am hoping now that I know what the problem is I can do something to help it. And to be a valued employee, and not a waste of space. In NZ they now have a three month period when you start a job where if they are not happy they can dismiss you from the company. So, I better show my boss and workmates that they need me!!
PS/// And blogging is always a good way for me to express myself as I do express myself better in writing. So thank you Sparkies !! I hope you have all been okay and I am sorry if I have seemed neglectful as a spark friend. It's been a busy and trying time.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Hello Sparkies!! It has been awhile since I have updated what I am up to. I have been dropping by daily, but have not had as much time to hang around. My new job is going well, and I am almost finished doing orientation. Although next month I have a formal orientation day, to complete the ins and outs,and rules, regulations etc of my job. I am a caregiver at a psycho/geriatric hospital. It has a small amount of residents, approximately 50. And it is set into different parts depending on their physical/mental ability. I am enjoying it and have been really busy doing it, it is shift work.
As for my health/weight loss status-ummm sorry what was that again??? I am still aiming to get back to what I had reached on my ticker. I am more ranging a few kilos over it 110-113 ish. But, believe me when I get back there I will be happy. Turning fifty is still my motivating goal right now. Although getting there much earlier like say thirty or fourty would have been great. But hey, I know we can't turn back the clock. Getting under 100 by the time I am fifty is my least expectation, and yes I know it is all up to me. And I can do it, so I better put them words into action.
The picture is in February at a friends house. I got to go up and spend a couple of days with her before I started my new job.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
I got the job. After today writing a blog about how dumb I felt because I thought I was going to get the job. And then every time I rang , not hearing back I got it.
It is exciting and it is scarey. A new journey and a new direction after eight and a half years doing the job I do at the moment. Wow, I can't believe it. I am on annual leave at the moment so it is really an ideal time to be moving jobs. I start in March. Yipppeeee. I got it!!
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