Tuesday, February 18, 2014
I grew up believing I was really stupid. As well as being self conscious about my weight as a kid I also was very self conscious about feeling really dumb. Which is one of the reason's I used to not talk often. I mean I did block so much out, that is how I handled my childhood. I did have it drummed in my head from a young age that I was : "an imbecile, retarded,lunatic, cretin etc" referring to dumb. And I have believed it ever since. Except over the last few years with my soul searching-about seven or eight years, I have learnt to accept myself the way that I am-even if I aren't super quick mentally. I often do things or say things and I wonder "why did I do that, or say that??" Stupid things that either make me look like a fool, or just plain dumb things. But as I said I had leant to accept that part of myself, although I have always been very sensitive to being called an idiot or for people to think that I am.
Recently I went for a job interview. It was a long interview and I thought I did okay. I got to do an observation shift at the place I applied for. To see if it was for me and also I guess for them to see if I was okay for the job. I did that shift and saw the boss afterwards. He said he would talk to my referees etc, and to call back if I hadn't heard by Friday. That was last Friday. I decided to ring back on Monday-this week. And I got the lady who answers the phone there(typical-you have to go through someone to talk to who you want to talk to)she said he was on a phone call. She's get him to call me. Talking to her, I sounded like a gibbering idiot. I rang again this morning-early. The lady who got the phone said he was at a meeting. I rang again half an hour later and she said he was with someone. Both the times today I didn't say who was calling.
Last night I was in bed thinking how I would juggle a couple of my clients from my currant job to do with the job I'd applied for-(still believing I may still get the job). The job I do at the moment I have clients who I go to their houses to care for -personal care and housework.My hours were not enough and I applied to a place that is an institution where they live. Well this morning I woke up early and my brain started thinking of all the odd stupid things that I had said in the two episodes that I'd seen this boss. After all these years trying to rethink about how I see myself-not dumb, but not a super genius either. Now here I am going back to how I used to believe about myself. I had accepted myself as being not a master mind, but not an idiot either. And I really do say and do odd things at times. So what am I getting at?? Scars don't heal over night, childhood abuse and truama don't just vanish. As much I I try to move on and not let yesterday spoil my present and future it will always be there. Preferably not in the here and now constantly following me.
People often don't understand how some of us carry past truama and difficulties etc into the present day. How we don't just leave it behind and get on with it. Healing is not a fast process for some people-not emotional healing. And as much as we know it hinders our growth, scars can be deep.
For me doing every day things can be a struggle sometimes. People might not realise it, but while my son was growing up and I brought him up on my own with no adult support I so often struggled. It was hard, I had nobody to turn to and I have always felt alone in that sense. As a child with everything that was going on there was no one for me then and I have always felt that way.
This is not meant for any purpose what I am about to say, well not pointed anywhere or at anyone. But please don't judge people by your stardards of what you manage well and what you believe people should be doing. Some of us really struggle. I have found that I express myself so much better in writing than verbally. Verbally I can be such a clutz, I can't say how I feel or what I am meaning to say that well. Don't judge a book by it's cover, that cover might be only one tiny facet of the story. It might not even look like it belongs to that story, but the depth involved might be so far from what the cover shows.
I am going to ring the man again to see if I got that job or not. I just need to know rather than wasting more time. I can handle a no, but being held waiting is not great. Please don't judge!!