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CYBERCITYSHELL's Recent Blog Entries

Yesterdays Demons~

Sunday, August 24, 2014

The dungeon of my past~
Demons,and trolls~
Controlling my existance~
Biting and spitting~
Haunting,OMG they're taunting~
I don't need them, I know~
They've ruled me so far~
Hunted,yes dam right~
They've stunted me for sure~
Letting them go~
Throwing them out~
Taking control~
Empowering myself~
I have the power~
Demons from the past~
Scarred my exterior~
Scorched my internal shell~
Enclosed I hid~
Hidden from what could have been~
I did escape,the embers still burn though~
The trolls from yesterday surround me~
Waiting they stomp and make me fall~
Stampeding ,they're fast~
I climb back up,and sitting in the distance~
They are waiting,watching and waiting~
In different forms they bite,lash out at me~
The battle isn't over~
Yesterday's child she is different~
She knows the rules~
Tomorrow-she will win~
Until then, she will continue~
The journey isn't over~

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALLAHALLA 8/24/2014 10:21PM

    You are very talented! Love your creativity.

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STEVEN2GO2 8/24/2014 8:29PM

    Great poem ful of hope and taken each day as a new one, Shell!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KIM22211 8/24/2014 8:02PM

    that is really really fantastic! You did amazing!

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KAREN608 8/24/2014 2:25PM

    Very well put. You have a talent there, for writing!

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FERRETLOVER1 8/24/2014 7:29AM

    Wow - you can really write! emoticon I love your positivity at the end - The journey is never really over!

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1ALISSUCCESS 8/24/2014 4:12AM

    I can certainly relate to your blog, I feel it is beautifully written and you are so right when you say " the journey has just begun"! I so, feel that too and cling to that statement in times of my deepest depression and when I feel it's too much work and I don't want to do it anymore Whaw, Whaw!
I try to reframe that in a more healthy way by believing that I am worth it and, yes, the journey has just begun.

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Just a little bit deeeep and maybe a bit negitive, my life...

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Hey there Sparkies, it has been a while since I put virtual pen to paper. And did a blog, and I have almost done so a few times. It has been a very changing year in so many ways. With ups and downs, new job that came with so many emotions. Which I told you's about the bullying, there's been the gossip mill. Me facing my trumatic childhood with going back and working in and facing this environment. Where I work is just like stepping into my younger shoes when I used to visit my treasured long lost and dearly loved mum. My mum lived in a place like I work at and this time I am seeing everything from another angle. How the residents get cared for,how their life is dominated by rules,routines,their very existance is done on a timeframe. A routine, how they are in other peoples hands. Their home is an institution that is monitored by staff. People who look after them,change them,dress them, feed them. And some of the people are a little bit independant. My mum was like the ones who were very dependant on the workers care. She couldn't dress herself,or get herself off to the toilet,feed herself,she couldn't stand,or even use her arms. Or see, she couldn't see. So it has been very much a mixture of emotions working here. I'm not saying that the residents get treated badly at all. I can guarantee that when I am around no person that I am going to work to care for will be treated wrongly in my presence. Looking back on being a child going to see her sick mother and learning through seeing other sick people I learned to care. Nobody taught me, I saw vulnerable people and I became like an advocate for the underdog. Any kind of underdog, even ones that I shouldn't have been there supporter. Now as a middle aged adult, much older than my mum lived to be I am seeing things and amongest them from this angle. And I have worked in a hospital before, I worked where my mum lived.I began working there not long after mum died. I even worked in the ward mum was in, which was to say the least-odd. I didn't work on the caring side, I was a kitchen assistant. And when I worked in mum's ward I manned the kitchen myself there. I survived my childhood by blocking things out that I couldn't deal with. And so much of my childhood was not easy. It was in my fourties with my soul searching , blogging and a very helpful online friend that I began coming out of my shell, by beginning to let loose some of my past hidden sadness,truama,abuse. In the form of writing. So, in a sense it is like reentering the lions den of my hidden past that I am facing my demons(some of them)when I walk into my work. Anyway, when I began this blog this wasn't the angle I was going to go in. But, when I write I can express myself in a way I can't in verbal communication.
So off the subject cause I know it is deep, and sometimes in other blogs I have said parts of this stuff. But people who have not walked in the shoes of another person can't always comprehend how wounds can last a life time. And no matter how other people can wonder why some people carry their past with them. The past sometimes haunts us, scars can be unseen but be so much as visable to the one carrying them as they are invisable to the onlooker.
Anyway, I turned fifty. And it is so much a milestone for me. I love being fifty, I have not reached my health goals I set myself. I am on a mission to achieve them though. I am still working towards getting back to my spark page ticker. I am working on it,and have now set myself the goal of being under 100 kilos by christmas. Which is just over four months. There is no reason or excuse to stop me achieving it. I am totally on a mission and I am going to make this part of my life be a time to change so many things.I have never learnt to drive a car, that is something I may consider in the next year or two. I need to have my eyes tested, I am going to do that. My health of course is number one on my list and that means getting in shape. I am going to get in shape. I am going to work on that inside and out. I am still in need of counselling, and I am going to look into that. I am going to get there.
For my fiftieth birthday my kids went to so much much effort to make sure I had a great time. My son goes to amazing levels for his ole mum. He is a huge inspiration in what and how he achieves things he sets out to do. I had a lovely day, it was last Saturday. My family and best friend came over and we had a nice little get together. Me and the kids partied on-for the next two days, it was great. I am sorry about the deep,negitive past stuff. It is a part of me, and a few years back I wouldn't have said a word,or blogged I was a quiet person consumed,lost in her own quietness. I probably looked like a "jolly fat person", so many people comment how large people are so happy. I am not a person who fits into any catorgories , I am a no conformer. My smiley face hid what I hid from myself. It helped me get to where I am now.
I hope everyone is okay and I have been visiting spark people daily. I am glad to see lots of Sparkies sticking to there goals, and working towards their achievements. And lots who are still working at it and will get there by never giving up. Determination is so important and so is perseverance, getting our minds in the right place.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALLAHALLA 8/24/2014 10:24PM

    You are in a position to be a blessing to so many people.

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SWDESERTLOVER 8/24/2014 10:18PM

    Every thing that happens in our life, every experience, every memory, molds us into the person we are today. Some of those experiences are pleasant, and some are not. Facing our demons head on is sometimes hard, but sounds like you are definitely working on it and making progress. Congratulations on your 50th birthday! I hope you have 50 more! Keep working toward those goals.
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KAREN608 8/24/2014 2:41PM

    I like that you have your plans to deal with so many things, even driving! I do not drive but as a teen and in twenties, after trying, found I had no skill to hone at all. It is worthwhile to learn. Now my vision is not acceptable for driving. At least I didn't have to give it up, think that would be hard.

Do set things in motion and accomplish your goals!

When I meet people, I notice so many have demons from the past in their lives. If not dealt with, it isn't good. The past is part of what formed us, but we do move on and grow from experiences.

Some work places are a pain in the butt. I've never had a job that didn't have some problems with it.

Thank you for blogging again, missed you.

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PATTYKLAVER 8/24/2014 8:19AM

    It's strange that as we get a little older, sometimes the feelings from our childhood come out. Most times, I have no idea where they come from. it's like they hide in waiting and then tackle me. At least now I realize that this does happen, and it doesn't bother me as much as it did when it first started.

Growing up, I had one grandma who was physically healthy but had Alzheimer's. My other grandma was as sharp as a tack, but riddled with cancer. Both ended up in nursing homes. My children took it upon themselves to volunteer at some of these homes. i was amazed at the compassion they showed at such young ages. They taught me a lot.

I applaud all those who work in these places. They are over-worked and under-paid. It's hard to help people with so many different needs. These people are sometimes uncooperative, bitter, and just plain mean through no fault of their own. The routine is crucial for those with memory problems.

You are emoticon in what you do and in dealing with all the emotions that come with it.

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You Can Leave Your Brain At The Door Shell!!!

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Hello Sparkies!! I know I haven't blogged in so long or even changed my status or spent more than a short time in here for so long. But I haven't left, I haven't gone mad, I am still a Sparkie. And dam right-I'M NOT MAD!!! Oh but believe me, for the last few weeks I was beginning to look at myself sideways!! I was questioning my own sanity. And I have been depressed quite a bit, but I believe I am finding myself again. The Shell I know, the weird, and even eccentric one-but not the "Mad Shell". As I've mentioned in a blog or two I have a thing about being called,or treated as if I am dumb. I grew up believing myself to be extremely dumb and maybe a little retarded.
So my first week or two were great, I loved it at my new job. Until a worker that had been there awhile started saying how I was too slow. And at first she meant at getting the job done-speed. No, not because of my weight, but putting the routine into action and doing it as quick as possible to make the routine work just like a routine should. Well, me being me has always hated routines, avoided and did whatever I could in the past to be not a routine person-as much as you can with routines to follow-if you get what I mean. I started to like my new job less and was suffering depression quite a bit of the time. Then one day when she was saying again how slow I was and she thought I needed more training, I got annoyed and we had a bit of a verbal fight. I still had more orientating to do at that stage. Things went down hill from there. I yelled to her some stuff that she was "not so brilliant at" etc and she said ah your thick. And it went down hill from there. It made her hard to work with, if I was working with her. And somehow I seemed to fit what she said "thick". It's like I would do stupid things, or not express how I'd been shown or told how to do certain things of the routine or how they do them at work.
I was starting to think I was mad, or going mad. Then today when I came home I thought of "menopause" and looked that up. It said being "perimenopausal you can get a "fuzzy brain" or brain fog or memory trouble due to the lower estrogen levels. Which can have an impact on the neurotransmitters which effect mood,and cognitive function etc. It was like a load off my mind, because the last two or three weeks I have been doing odd things and not seemed like a very smart cookie at all.And I am not a brain box, but I'm not a complete moron either. So, I am hoping now that I know what the problem is I can do something to help it. And to be a valued employee, and not a waste of space. In NZ they now have a three month period when you start a job where if they are not happy they can dismiss you from the company. So, I better show my boss and workmates that they need me!!
PS/// And blogging is always a good way for me to express myself as I do express myself better in writing. So thank you Sparkies !! I hope you have all been okay and I am sorry if I have seemed neglectful as a spark friend. It's been a busy and trying time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIM22211 6/18/2014 1:43AM

    hey, how about an update girlie!? I dont like knowing that that person was so mean but you are a better person than her and she must need love really bad to be such a meanie!! I am getting that fuzzy brain too so it is good to know!!

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KIM22211 5/11/2014 5:13PM

    we all sure do have days like this! glad to hear from you and happy mothers day!

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    Thanks guys!! With my job it is caregiving for dementia residents. And it can be very stressful work. There is a routine and we have to follow the routine. I am more a person who does things "my way". And I have worked on my own for so many years now, and coming along and being part of a team. Well that was good and bad. In the first few weeks it was like everyone was telling me what to do. And some telling me when I was already doing something else. But it wasn't until the run in with that lady that things went down hill for me workwise and emotionally. It's like my brain got snatched from my head when she called me thick. I seemed to be doing things wrong, or absent mindly doing silly things.
I think things are coming right.. Although I don't want to rush onto any meds that could cause worse side effects. I think I do need to look at my low moods and absentmindedness, and forgetfullness.
Thank you for your comments of support emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHILOBOOTH 4/28/2014 2:05AM

    I can relate. Have to say I think your work colleague is a bit of a moron, lacking social grace and tact. You should the silly person and give it your all.

I would recommend if you can a visit to your doc to see about some hormone treatment in the meantime. Perimenopause is not so easy and sometimes a short stint of hormones to get you through a rough patch all round can help. Especially with that depressive dark mood.

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KAREN608 4/27/2014 9:08PM

    New jobs CAN be trying and then to have a worker saying things to irk you when you are NEW and learning...!! And if menopause is getting to you, well of course it all makes sense. You show them girl, just how great you can be and just blow them out of the water!

I think my trial at my janitor job was just a month! They were all old tough men on the trustees and I worked like I never worked before to 'show' them. They had never cleaned the building or did work like it but sometimes we gotta kick it up a gear and show 'em.

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WALLAHALLA 4/27/2014 8:57PM

    I know what that menopause crap is all about. It really messes with me at times. I take Cenestin and wouldn't dream of trying to do without it.

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NATNOEL 4/27/2014 6:47AM

    Have you read the book Wheat Belly ?

It has some interesting facts about what we eat and our fuzzy thinking.

Hang in there !

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GHOSTFLAMES 4/27/2014 6:35AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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It's been awhile~*~

Friday, March 14, 2014

Hello Sparkies!! It has been awhile since I have updated what I am up to. I have been dropping by daily, but have not had as much time to hang around. My new job is going well, and I am almost finished doing orientation. Although next month I have a formal orientation day, to complete the ins and outs,and rules, regulations etc of my job. I am a caregiver at a psycho/geriatric hospital. It has a small amount of residents, approximately 50. And it is set into different parts depending on their physical/mental ability. I am enjoying it and have been really busy doing it, it is shift work.
As for my health/weight loss status-ummm sorry what was that again??? I am still aiming to get back to what I had reached on my ticker. I am more ranging a few kilos over it 110-113 ish. But, believe me when I get back there I will be happy. Turning fifty is still my motivating goal right now. Although getting there much earlier like say thirty or fourty would have been great. But hey, I know we can't turn back the clock. Getting under 100 by the time I am fifty is my least expectation, and yes I know it is all up to me. And I can do it, so I better put them words into action.

The picture is in February at a friends house. I got to go up and spend a couple of days with her before I started my new job.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIM22211 4/24/2014 10:29PM

    hey there! hope you are doing good! just wanted to see your cute pic again! lol

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IMAVISION 4/15/2014 1:18PM

    Wishing you well on the new job & with achieving your goals in the weight dropping department!




Letís do it together!

God bless!

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KIM22211 3/24/2014 10:53PM

    I love your out fit!!! You look great! And I am so glad to hear you are coming along with the job!

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    Congratulations on the new job! Its great to be back in touch through our shared team. Way to go!!

Janet emoticon

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8THMILITIA 3/20/2014 2:38PM

    Congrats on the new job!!! We can do this together!!! Keep pushing along and we will get there! No matter what bumps we face in the road! emoticon

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SHILOBOOTH 3/17/2014 2:54AM

    Glad the job is going great :D

That weight will shift - it's so hard. We just got to keep at it :D

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KAREN608 3/15/2014 11:38PM

Pretty in Pink!

Glad you are liking your job.

I hear you on the weight.
We are all in this together.

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STEVEN2GO2 3/15/2014 9:17PM

    emoticon emoticon It takes a warm heart and nerves of steel to do the job you are training for!

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CAKAROO 3/15/2014 7:21AM


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WALLAHALLA 3/14/2014 10:14PM

    Glad you're liking your new job! You look nice in pink. emoticon

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I Got The JOB-OMG I thought I didn't , but I got it.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I got the job. After today writing a blog about how dumb I felt because I thought I was going to get the job. And then every time I rang , not hearing back I got it.
It is exciting and it is scarey. A new journey and a new direction after eight and a half years doing the job I do at the moment. Wow, I can't believe it. I am on annual leave at the moment so it is really an ideal time to be moving jobs. I start in March. Yipppeeee. I got it!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GAYLLYNNE 2/24/2014 3:30PM

    Congratulations and best of luck!!

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    Wow thanks for all the comments and support, congrats etc. Sparkies are so cool!!
Karen, I agree some of us are born worriers .
Linda, I don't have to move. I meant that it is a good time to be going through the changing jobs experience while on leave. Because I wouldn't have managed all the times I've had to go to the place I will be working if I wasn't on leave. It has meant that I haven't got to do the things I would have done on leave. But getting a job after being in a different one for eight and a half years is great. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KAREN608 2/19/2014 10:04PM

    boy maybe it is true that 98 % of all worrying is for nothing.

So happy for you.
Scary I know, to start something new, but WOO HOO for you!

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MJ7DM33 2/19/2014 10:03PM


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CARYN0927 2/19/2014 5:41PM

    CONGRATS and Good Luck!

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STEVEN2GO2 2/19/2014 5:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NATNOEL 2/19/2014 4:56PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
I am so happy for you.

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MYAKAYAH 2/19/2014 3:38PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Kudos to you for getting a new position!

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GOOSIEMOON 2/19/2014 3:17PM

    Wonderful news!


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WALLAHALLA 2/19/2014 11:54AM

    emoticon to you, and Kudos to the bossman for seeing your true value and real worth!

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TINADEE86 2/19/2014 11:47AM

    emoticon emoticon

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REBIRTHDIVA 2/19/2014 11:14AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BRANDTSGIRL 2/19/2014 10:32AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PATTYKLAVER 2/19/2014 10:09AM

    emoticon emoticon I'm excited for you! Hunting for jobs is stressful. I'm glad you got a new one. Good luck to you.

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JANET552 2/19/2014 7:51AM

    emoticon Good luck in the new job!

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THE_SHAKESHAFT 2/19/2014 7:16AM

    Well done!! :D

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FERRETLOVER1 2/19/2014 7:15AM

    Outstanding - Congratulations!

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    emoticon emoticon

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CAREN_BLUEJEANS 2/19/2014 6:59AM

So happy for you. In this economy jobs are hard to get. You must have wowed them!

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SLEEPERELLA 2/19/2014 6:48AM

Oh how I know the bitter sweet feeling of leaving one job for another! I am still in orientation for my new job. You are going to do great! emoticon

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CAKAROO 2/19/2014 5:44AM


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ARNETTELEE 2/19/2014 3:31AM


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SHILOBOOTH 2/19/2014 3:18AM

    emoticon emoticon

Go you emoticon

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KIM22211 2/19/2014 2:52AM

    SWEEEEEEET!!! Really hear the excitement in your typing! hee hee

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IMLOCOLINDA 2/19/2014 1:54AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon How far do you have to move??

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LOSE4LIFE47 2/19/2014 1:32AM


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