Saturday, January 04, 2014
I was so excited yesterday when I pushed myself at the gym and totally smashed my former record of 48 minutes for 5K on a treadmill. Made it in 44:52 and jogged a personal best of 18 of those minutes. Earlier in the fall when I tried it for the first time I was at almost 59 minutes so there's been definite progress. One of my goals for 2014 is to do a real 5K race and I don't want to cross the finish line anywhere near being last. I took this sweaty selfie right afterwards yesterday and you can see my pride in my face, I think. :-)
Friday, January 03, 2014
I purposefully and mindfully took about 10 days off my nutrition and exercise plan over Christmas. I know that most people probably think that was the wrong choice, but for me, I think it was right. Fall and into winter 2013 was difficult for me with some stressful things added to my life, and I thought taking that time to try to sort myself out would be a good thing before the new year. And I know myself well enough to know that I want this journey to be about real life and that means learning to live my life like I will once the losing part of this journey is over. And yes, that does mean treating myself occasionally.
Yes, I wish I hadn't gone as crazy as I did with some of the eating I did, but the damage wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I am up a few pounds but I have been back doing the things I know work for me for days now, and that feels good. I believe that I need to celebrate that as my whole life, one setback in diet or exercise program sent me in a months or years downward spiral. I am not that person anymore, and that makes me proud.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
I havenít been one for New Yearís resolutions for a long time because of all of the years Iíve said, ďIím going to lose weightĒ and didnít follow through with any long term results. This year is no exception, other than I am making several promises to myself. I promise to continue on with the journey Iíve been on and keep pushing the boundaries that have been in place all of my life. I promise myself time and energy spent on myself, knowing itís worth it and that I can give more to others when I give more to myself. I also promise to work on being gentler on myself and my emotions in hopes that this gives me more peace.
2013 was for the most part a great year. But this past few months have been difficult and Iím finding it hard to want to celebrate a good year. So instead, Iím looking ahead and planning for 2014 to be MY year for peace, joy, accomplishments yet to be made and limits to be pushed. Itís not selfish, itís about taking care of myself as itís only me I have to depend on.
Saturday, December 07, 2013
Losing so much weight hasn't been the cure-all I had hoped it would be for the issues that created the weight problem to begin with. All of my life, I thought that if I was just thinner, life would be better. But, as in most things in life, it hasn't been that simple.
For me personally, the weight loss is accompanied by just as many, if not more, problems with body image than I ever had. This is the most frustrating part of this whole journey.
First, and most obviously, there's the extra skin that results from a massive amount of weight lost. It's giving my mind permission to believe that I look worse now than I ever did, even at my highest known weight of 338 lbs.
But for me, the bigger issue with this process is the reasons I put the weight on to begin with. When it first started, I put it on to protect myself in the only way a 13 year old's mind can subconsciously protect itself when traumatized. That is obviously the "short version".
I'm in a mental place now where I know intellectually that I've lost this much weight and I look (at least in clothes) so much better than I have in all of my adult life. But emotionally, I am very fragile when it comes to my body's appearance. It's a terrible conflict.
So about a month ago, I started thinking that I really need to address this as it's going to likely cause me problems when I start to head into maintenance or even in the final stages of weight loss. Coincidentally, a local lingerie store that I follow on Facebook scheduled a photo shoot for women. I signed up and almost bailed many times. But, I didn't. That photo shoot was this week.
I'm a teacher and the only posed pictures that I've had done in more than a decade are school photos. But for this photo shoot, I brought along a tasteful chemise to have my photo taken in. And when I got there, I purchased a sexy outfit after trying it on and being so overcome with emotion that it fit and actually looked good. I had about 100 photos taken from normal work clothes and in the other 2 outfits. I felt really good about myself after that. The photographer, despite having a certain deal being offered for this opportunity, is giving me access to the whole 100 photos. He's going to retouch the 12 I choose for the calendar I'm surprising my hubby with for Christmas. He is going to be so shocked.
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