Saturday, December 07, 2013
Losing so much weight hasn't been the cure-all I had hoped it would be for the issues that created the weight problem to begin with. All of my life, I thought that if I was just thinner, life would be better. But, as in most things in life, it hasn't been that simple.
For me personally, the weight loss is accompanied by just as many, if not more, problems with body image than I ever had. This is the most frustrating part of this whole journey.
First, and most obviously, there's the extra skin that results from a massive amount of weight lost. It's giving my mind permission to believe that I look worse now than I ever did, even at my highest known weight of 338 lbs.
But for me, the bigger issue with this process is the reasons I put the weight on to begin with. When it first started, I put it on to protect myself in the only way a 13 year old's mind can subconsciously protect itself when traumatized. That is obviously the "short version".
I'm in a mental place now where I know intellectually that I've lost this much weight and I look (at least in clothes) so much better than I have in all of my adult life. But emotionally, I am very fragile when it comes to my body's appearance. It's a terrible conflict.
So about a month ago, I started thinking that I really need to address this as it's going to likely cause me problems when I start to head into maintenance or even in the final stages of weight loss. Coincidentally, a local lingerie store that I follow on Facebook scheduled a photo shoot for women. I signed up and almost bailed many times. But, I didn't. That photo shoot was this week.
I'm a teacher and the only posed pictures that I've had done in more than a decade are school photos. But for this photo shoot, I brought along a tasteful chemise to have my photo taken in. And when I got there, I purchased a sexy outfit after trying it on and being so overcome with emotion that it fit and actually looked good. I had about 100 photos taken from normal work clothes and in the other 2 outfits. I felt really good about myself after that. The photographer, despite having a certain deal being offered for this opportunity, is giving me access to the whole 100 photos. He's going to retouch the 12 I choose for the calendar I'm surprising my hubby with for Christmas. He is going to be so shocked.