DANCINGFLAMES   11,317
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DANCINGFLAMES's Recent Blog Entries

Moving on, and looking forward

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

It has been quite a while since my last blog post. I've had some ups and downs, but I'm hanging in there. I'm moving towards a better place mentally, and the physical with follow. I'm still not hitting the gym and I'm still spending too much time sleeping but I'm slowly getting better. I've stopped eating fast food for every meal. I'm eating smaller portions and my blood sugar is doing better because of it. I just have to keep making small changes that will eventually lead to bigger results. I can do this, and I have support to help me along the way. I'm feeling more positive about my life in general. I'm working to heal old emotional wounds and to foster a better outlook on life in general. Some days are hard, like yesterday and this morning when I feel the loos they told me I would after ending my marriage. Being alone is hard for me, I've never really lived alone. I've always had roommates or didn't really stay home when I didn't. This is so very different for me. I do know that if it is too much, I have friends who would gladly let me sleep over with them until I felt better. I don't know how I would have made it without my friends. We are like sisters and would do anything for each other. That's a love and bond that I wish for all to experience. I will never be truly alone, because I have my freind family to lean on. It took me a while to realize this, but I'm so lucky to have them. I'm so lucky to have the parents and sister that I have. I'm working on being more grateful for what I have because that's more important that focusing on what I don't. We all need to appreciate the people in our lives more. I know I am. I would be in a very dark and horrible place without my friends, family, and sparkfriends. I love each and every one of them.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DNJEN471 2/13/2014 2:00PM

    emoticon emoticon Way to stay positive! We all seem to take our support systems for granted from time to time. Way to recognize that they are there for you!!

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SPARKLINGHOPE 2/13/2014 11:38AM

    emoticon Best wishes!

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CHICAT63 2/13/2014 10:48AM

    Having a great support system is important. I know you have struggles yet, you are doing awesome, little changes do add-up ! Take care. emoticon

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RAYNNA 2/12/2014 11:31PM

    I'm so glad you have good friends and family to help support you during tough and not so tough times. That is a GREAT thing. Not everyone has that. Small changes here and there add up (so they say) I'm new to this but I believe that to be TRUE. Slow and steady and you will get there (that's what I tell myself too). emoticon emoticon

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2014, A Year to Heal and Deal

Saturday, December 21, 2013

It has taken me alot of tears and sleepless days to get here but I'm here. I'm to the point where I can clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel, and no it's not a train. I'm finally getting used to being alone in my house, it's starting to feel normal. I still may not know exactly what to do with myself most of the time, but I'm starting to figure it out. I had someone ask me Thursday why I keep punching myself in the face, in reference to why I keep hurting myself by not taking care of my health. Why do I feel the need to punish myself and abuse myself? She told me that once I figure that out, I'll be able to move forward and do what's right for me. So I've been thinking about what she is really asking me, why don't I feel like I'm worth it? How can I go all out and take care of everyone else, and not myself? At what point did I decide that I don't deserve to be healthy and happy? What could I have possibly done to make me feel like I deserve to feel the way I do?

Here is hat I've come up with so far, I'm trying to fill this void that I have felt for the longest time, so long that I'm not even sure when I didn't feel it. I've tried filling it with attention, both good and bad. I've tried filling it with food. I tried filling it by caring for others. I've tried all sort of things to make this hole go away, everything except figuring out why I felt it in the first place. Where did this come from? I know I've always been a sensitive person, and I take things personally when I shouldn't. As a kid, that makes things difficult when they really shouldn't be. I spent so much of my middle school and high school years dealing with being considered an outsider. It's an odd place to be, I'm a person who likes to interact with people, learn from them, and share with them. Where I'm from, having different ideas or beliefs can result in an onslought of social abuse. If you didn't agree with the top social circles then they made things hard. I never realized just how damaging that was until this past year. I never realized how that set me up to be in relationships where someone exploited the wounds from that time, and reinforced all the horrible feelings and thoughts I had about myself. Kids can be cruel, and as adults they wield words like weapons.

I have a list of things, unkind and untrue, about myself that overwhelm me when I feel down. That negative voice that keeps going and going until everything feels hopeless and I don't think I'm any good to anyone. Theses thoughts don't just derail me, they send me on two week binges where I eat everything I know is terrible for me and I don't take my diabetes meds. At at the end of it, I feel worse than I did before, which only reinforces all those bad thoughts I have about myself. How can I hate myself so much that I would damage myself so badly? I didn't do anything to deserve this, to feel like this, to believe such terrible things about myself. It took 9 years of being with someone who only sought to use how I felt about me to control me, to manipulate me, and use me to make me see that all those terrible things I believed about me were never true. Those were things people told me over and over so they could have power over me, so they could manipulate and control me. Words can cut so much deeper than we think. That's why I've decided to practice kindness, toward myself and everyone else. There's enough negative in this world, we all really need more kindness in our lives, especially from ourselves.

Today is the last day I'm going to choose to use food to drown the negative voices. Today those voices are going to be out of breath from exercising. They will be lost to the kind voices of my friends who support me, to the kind voice I'm fostering within myself, and to kindness I share with others. I will have my list of counter points, my truths, the awesome things about me, that I can repeat to drown out the negative voice until it no longer can be heard. I know it will take time and alot of effort but I really deserve to be healthy and happy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSPEACHES3 2/10/2014 12:07PM

    This is a very good Blog. I sounds like I could have written it myself.

I am glad you wrote this.

In time you will get past this. I am still working on myself.

We can and will do this.

Never give up or give in.

Blessings to you.
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PROMISE2HEALTHY 1/23/2014 9:23AM

    You are not alone Amber! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

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KONRAD695 12/23/2013 9:01PM

    Holy smokes Honey! Now that's a download of emotions.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!

I wish I understood the human mind enough to give you some great insightful advice. Sorry, I don't really know. Back when I was doing my gluten self punishment, I couldn't stop myself. Then one day I woke up and thought,

I'm sick of being a shifhead to myself. Haven't looked back. Still have all my ups and downs (a lot of downs right now), but I'm not making things worse for myself.

So, here is to a 2014 of you never looking back.

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SPARKLINGHOPE 12/23/2013 1:56PM

    emoticon

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FINCHFEEDER80 12/23/2013 11:22AM

    emoticon You absolutely deserve it!!

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CHICAT63 12/22/2013 6:54AM

    Thank you for sharing, please know we are here for you! While reading your blog some passages were déja vu for me. Yes, at one point it passes and you go forward baby steps at the beginning. Do not let anyone or anybody deters you from your goals. Take care, Josée emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ASK_STRATMAN 12/21/2013 9:41PM

    I agree, you TOTALLY deserve to be healthy and happy! I have always been the fat kid, from Kindergarten to currently, and you are right kids are cruel, but adults are sadistic! I know I have been passed by for more than a few jobs because of my looks. Not letting people determine who YOU are is the hardest thing to do! I have two daughters and I make sure they know I am proud of them everyday, and I guess the mom in me want to tell you I am proud of you too! Write your last sentence down somewhere where you can see it A LOT and when life and the sadistic people in it start dictating your life read it and re-read it! Because, you do DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY!

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Quick Update - 11.19.13

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I'm back to making changes around the house, I want to be able to host people without feeling embarrassed about my house. I painted on the kitchen and plan to finish it this week. Then I'll be on to another room. Today I'll be cooking so I don't go for fast food. I can't be trusted to order anything that isn't terrible for me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHICAT63 11/19/2013 12:31PM

    Crockpot cooking is a lifesaver for me when I have things to do and it creates leftovers !!!! There is an awesome Chicken enchilida recipes here on Sparks. emoticon

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FINCHFEEDER80 11/19/2013 11:40AM

    Sounds like a good plan to me!

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NANCYSINATRA 11/19/2013 10:56AM

    cooking and then freezing really helps me too. I have a day or two each week that is spent doing most of my cooking and prepping for the week. When it's easier to just throw something in the microwave than running to get fast food, I'm much more likely to eat at home. :)
And great job painting. Gets some fitness in too. :)

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SPARKLINGHOPE 11/19/2013 10:07AM

    emoticon

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GHOSTFLAMES 11/19/2013 4:37AM

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POETICJUSTUS 11/19/2013 4:29AM

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It's about time; no really, time matters

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

I waste alot of time trying to avoid doing things. I jump from p[roject to project wthout finishing until I have so many things going at once that I get overwhelmed. It's not productive at all. So I've decided to take things one at a time until they are 100% complete. I have to learn to be patient and finish things. I have a schedule planned for my days, and I really need to start sticking with it.

2:00pm - Wake up
2:15pm - Eat Breakfast
2:45pm - Go to Y
3:00pm - Do exercise program for that day
4:30pm - Arrive home & check blood glucose levels
5:00pm - Eat a snack
5:15 - 7:30 - Chores, projects, and ect
8:00pm - Eat Lunch and check blood glucose levels
9:00pm - Leave for Work
10:00pm - Check blood glucose levels
11:00pm - Eat a snack
2:00am - Eat Dinner
5:00am - Eat a snack
6:00am - Leave work
7:00am - Go to bed

During the Chores, projects and ect time I can clean, work around the house, complete home improvement projects, read, have creative time, and get things done. Also, once or tiwce a week I can go have some fun during that time. This is my work day schedule, I need to work on a weekend sechedule.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DANCINGFLAMES 11/19/2013 4:19AM

    Well I haven't managed to follow this schedule, since I can't seem to sleep like I need to. Ugh, 3 hours here and 3 hours there doesn't cut it.

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NANCYSINATRA 10/23/2013 9:45AM

    so how did day one go? If you stuck to your schedule, did you give yourself KUDOS for it? If you didn't stick to it, did you make adjustments to help you succeed?
You can do this Amber!!!!

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SPARKLINGHOPE 10/22/2013 2:32PM

    Great schedule!!

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JLDACQ 10/22/2013 12:07PM

    How long did it take you to come up with this schedule? And do you find it's working for you?

I've tried making weekend schedules, but they rarely work for me. I still have the weekend mentality, so I find it hard to stick to anything, unless it's a big plan. I purposely don't plan anything on the weekends. That's not the best idea for nutrition, and I'm working on that one, but I find if I plan anything on a weekend, it makes me angry and frustrated, because I really need that downtime by myself.

If you were going to make a weekend schedule, what do you hope it would look like?

BTW, great job on making a schedule that you can follow during the week. :-D

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NANCYSINATRA 10/22/2013 11:23AM

    Such a great idea. I have a problem with balancing things in my life. It's all or nothing on things. So I can focus on my fitness and health, OR homework, OR finding a job, OR cleaning my house, But can't seem to do all of them together. This is a great idea, and I think I'm going to try writing out a schedule like this. But where is your spark time scheduled in??? :)

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Natural Bridge State Park Hike

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Here are the pictures that I took during my hike.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANCYSINATRA 10/21/2013 5:04PM

    Wow, those "stairs" look like killers. Makes it even more exciting knowing you made it to the top. :)
(I only see black in the hair, lol) I like the short cut too. :)

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FINCHFEEDER80 10/21/2013 10:08AM

    I miss living in the mountains, I adored the New River Valley. Thanks for the pics! I LOVE your new hairstyle/picture!

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RICKI157 10/20/2013 4:22PM

    Beautiful photos!!!!!

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_LINDA 10/20/2013 12:32PM

    emoticon emoticon
Outstanding photos! What a gorgeous place to hike!!
Thanks for posting them for us to enjoy!!

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SPARKLINGHOPE 10/20/2013 10:21AM

    Beautiful pictures!! Thanks for sharing them :)

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CHICAT63 10/20/2013 7:51AM

    Wow, beautiful ! emoticon

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JACKIE15108 10/20/2013 4:27AM

    Beautiful!!!

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