DARKANGELKISS88's Blog

DARKANGELKISS88's Recent Blog Entries

View DARKANGELKISS88's Sparkpage

View More Entries in Summary View

Thoughts rushing in my head

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

At night I wonder.
Many a thoughts I ponder.
Could you be...
Could it be...
Do I dare to breathe.

Lack of sleep...
Lack of heat...
Lack of sanity.

Do you see?
Can you see?
Inside of me
Outside of these simple words.

I lay
I may
One day
In the end in my own bed become prey.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ORLANDOFAIRY 1/8/2010 8:13AM

Nicely put LIttle Pixie....

You might just be the next Poetess extraordinaire...

Hugs,
R

SOPHIEBBW 1/6/2010 10:08PM

Beautiful expression!
Soph!

CHRISTINAL78 1/6/2010 8:10PM

Very nice..is this for anyone special?

My weightloss so far (an update) New Years!

Sunday, January 03, 2010

*****NOTE THIS ISORIGINALLY A POST ON MY MYSPACE**** BUT I THOUGHT I SHOULD POST IT HERE TOO.

Alright so I've been on this weightloss for about 6 1/2 months. I have lost altogether 105 lbs (that's including my leg water weight which was about 25 lbs) I've lost 80 lbs of actual body weight.

In this new year I hope to lose another 60 lbs by my 1yr anniversary of joining sparkpeople.com and the remaining 45 lbs by my 22nd birthday.

I also hope to actually start dating people who are not on the internet but rather are close to me. I've overcome the whole "people meeting me and rejecting me" part that for so long I had.

I want to walk a marathon, get back to working (if my legs permit), get involved in a sport.

I want to say " Hey! I'm healthy!"

I want to be the sexy chick in size 6 pants.

I want to go back to the keys and have people not recongnize me lol.

I want to be 140 lbs!

I want to walk the bridge back and forth without stopping.

Let's make 2010 a better year!

If you have goals go for them, attain them, achieve them.

ME AT 340-350

ME NOW 242

Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOPHIEBBW 1/3/2010 11:05PM

You rock hot girl!
Soph!

HOOTERSMOM 1/3/2010 2:42PM

YOU are awesome!!!!

SHAR140 1/3/2010 2:21PM

Pix!! Keep it up!

PRYDEQUEEN 1/3/2010 12:46PM

You are an inspiration!

RANDABELLE 1/3/2010 9:37AM

you are amazing! your confidence exudes in the second photo!!

Holidays.... An upset realization on society

Friday, December 25, 2009

Yesterday I felt like crap. (see my previous blog.) Today if anything I feel worse... Although it's not me who I feel bad for. I feel bad for others.

Today I went to the Nursing home where I volunteer and at first all was well. I saw bunch of residents being taken out by their families. I smiled and was filled with the holiday cheer I had lost yesterday. Then as lunch time rolled on, I saw how many were actually left behind. I felt so sad. Some residents wouldn't eat because "their family were coming". The reality was no one was coming. How could people leave the family there and not come visit at least for the holidays? I tried my best and went around giving them all hugs and kisses. I felt happy with them and yet bittersweet as well.

I know my family drives me crazy, especially my mother, but I could never do that. I couldn't see them in a nursing home, and if I ever came to that I'd have to be there everyday. I guess I was instilled a sense of caring by my mother and I'm grateful for that.

I want to be a CNA because of that. I want to care of those who are so lonely. I used to not be that way. I did care for others, but not like I do now. I got so sick 2 years ago and I had a wonderful therapist and other people who were so caring. They made me realize that life is full of people who care enough about others without really knowing them.

Later on, I went to give my little brother and little sisters their gifts. When I got there, my dad wasn't even home. He was at the neighbor's house ( My uncle's) since 6 AM. He didn't want to deal with being at home. Then they also didn't get the kids any gift. So I felt guilty, because I was once in that position. I know how it feels to have nothing. I know my dad and step mom don't have much money, but he gambled whatever I gave him yesterday. (I gave him money because again he made me feel guilty because they weren't going to have a good Christmas eve.) Instead of using the money for gifts he played it.

I was happy that I was able to give them something, but I feel it wasn't enough.

Then the worse of it all... My uncle's wife.... She takes care of her grand kids. (Long story) Anyway the granddaughter came over and said to me.... "Santa missed our house because they were playing cards (gambling) outside". I felt so bad that I gave her some of the custom made jewellery that I make.

As I looked back I remembered how much my mom tried to always get me gifts even from the dollar store. BUT DAMN IT SHE TRIED!. These people don't care to try and instead play their money.

I hope my gifts help, but I feel so guilty. I look at them and I see myself as a little girl and how I use to feel. I don't want that for my siblings because I know how it hurts. I know how it feels to grow up and have grudges that take years to overcome.

Anyway I hope next year I have a better economic standing so I can get many gifts for all of the children.

:)
~Pixie~

Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GYPSYROSE67 12/27/2009 9:13AM

Pixie, you sound like a very caring soul. A few years back I worked in a nursing home and know exactly what you are talking about. I would work Christmas on purpose so I could be with those residents that never had family come visit.

I also know what you mean about no gifts for the young ones. I am not in that great of a place right now and my children are actually adults but I could not let Christmas go by without having something under the tree for them. My friends and family would tell me that they are adults they will understand but as a mother I wasn't going to let it happen. I made my daughter an ankle bracelet, journal jar and home made goodies. I gave my son homemade goodies, $15 cash I earned from donating plasma (could of used it myself but he was more important) and a cool lighter that I paid $5 for at a flea market. It just amazes and sicken me that adults out there put themselves before their children. It not the way it should be and I am sure what ever you were able to give the young ones was greatly appriecated.

SOPHIEBBW 12/26/2009 9:52PM

My girlfriend is currently in a nursing home and I have seen what you experienced. I am sorry it hurt you, but your love means more to your residents than you could ever know! Keep handing out the hugs and kisses!
Soph!

LUCY419 12/26/2009 3:21PM

Pixie, Your a beautiful person.. don't ever change,and never let anyone or anything harden your heart... and that way the good you do will put many smiles on others faces and leave all hearts filled with love! Hugs... love lucy

SHANNONSTILLS 12/25/2009 5:31PM

Remember you can only control your actions, not the actions of others

I Hate The Holidays!

Friday, December 25, 2009

It's official I hate the holidays!

As far as I can remember the holidays have always sucked for me.

When I was little my mom never had money to get me gifts except the school supplies from the dollar store. (Yet I was very excited every time I got them.) Regardless, it still sucked when I got to school and everyone bragged about their toys. I was made fun of and laughed at. (Still I was happy to be around my mom and sister.)

One Christmas, we were staying with my mom's family (we didn't have where to go.) and they decided to throw away our small christmas tree because it was not in their religion. (Again Christmas was ruined.)

Later in life, My sister left with our dad and I was left behind. Christmas meant nothing to me anymore because she was my idol and she was gone. My mom tried but for years Christmas was just another day. I was a happy child and never asked for anything, but it still was a sad time of year.

As I was a bit older, my dad got remarried and got his step son (whom I love dearly now and the rest of my siblings too.) a whole room full of toys and designer clothes. I lived 50 miles away and he got me nothing. Even my sister didn't come to visit. (That's all I ever wanted.)

Another Christmas not too long ago. We were all in Key west and my dad was making $1,000 a week. By then I had 3 little siblings on his side. They all got very expensive gifts... What did I get???? I got to sleep in a car, in the freezing cold, of a closed grocery store.

The Christmas after the car night, I had an ok Christmas because I was working and maintaining my own household (I was 15). Yet I was still was lonely and just had my mental mother to celebrate with me.

Two years after that, I had Christmas in Bradenton, where I am now. Again I was alone because my sister was spending the holidays with her in-laws. I also never get invited to my dad's parties because of my mother. (Take into count that my mother get's along with my dad and his wife. She loves my dads new children and is always buying them things.)

I've had Christmas with my sister for the last two years.... And I Still hate the damn Holidays! Last year my sister pissed me off so much that I got very upset. In the end, like always I forgave her and we drank the night away.

BUT THIS YEAR I'VE HAD IT!
I've been the best person I can be to my family. I, with very limited income I must say, have gotten every child gifts. I have also bought my mom, and sister gifts.

I got my sister, 3 of her favorite types of statues for the living room. I bought her two gift sets, and $200 from the money I got back from school. I made earrings for all her co-workers and worked very hard at being wonderful for the holidays. Even yesterday when she didn't have enough to get her hair cut I paid for it. I wanted her to look pretty for her vacation and so I didn't think twice about paying for it.

Fast forward 4 hours and I'm being told off inside walmart. All Because of dessert! All I wanted for the holidays was being able to have some cake. I've been working my butt off just to have a damn piece of cake! She said No. So I told her to pick a damn dessert then so we can go home and cook. My legs were hurting from walking the store in heels and just wanted to sit down. She got angry and kept looking at all the desserts slowly. I got mad and walked away. She stormed off and told me I had a nasty attitude. We started arguing all over again.

I stormed off to the register and grabbed a pack of doritos and ate them along with ice-cream just to prove a point. I hadn't done that in a while and afterwards I felt so angry at how she could drive me to do that.

The drive home was horrible since she kept saying how I always mess up Christmas. She finally made me go back to the store. It was closed! So we had Chinese Takeout. I was still and and had the most fattening thing on the menu. At that time she apologized, but I was mad and kept it inside. I never told her how I felt I just forgave her. She went to bed happy... I on the other hand, stayed with another horrible Holiday.

To make matters worse, I will be dropping her off for vacation, but I have to come back home. Why? Because I have no money left. Nope I wasted all my money on the holidays and will come back to a house full of bills that have to be paid. She doesn't care she's going yet I'm staying stuck with it all. I don't get to have a vacation... Nope, I'll be home taking care of my mother.

I Hate The Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOPHIEBBW 12/26/2009 10:01PM

Tomorrow is a new day!
Soph!

HEATHER2346 12/25/2009 2:30PM

You know how to fix those issues, because like you said, you didn't say anything to them..... Someday you will find your footing and stand up for yourself..... aslong as you let people walk all over you, they will continue to do so..... you have to make the changes, they never will ....

PRYDEQUEEN 12/25/2009 12:49PM

It is Christmas and time to give yourself what no one (not even your sister) a sense of who you are and what you stand for. It sounds as though the gifts are not important to you but the connections to others are. That is what is important. And you are truly a gift. Find others who recognize and appreciate this about you. I know we do. And there are no gifts to wrap, no bills. . . just the goodness of you!

RANDABELLE 12/25/2009 10:48AM

Hey Girl. I hate to hear all that! But you will get thru and you are giving yourself the best gift you can- health!

Take today to rest and just relax. Secretly, I hate the holidays too.. ;-)

MRE1956 12/25/2009 9:58AM

OMG.....

that your holiday sucked - I've hated all holidays for a while now, and for me, this year was the ultimate as well (not because of abuse in my past, fortunately, but for other negative issues).

I swear, there must be something in the air or water.....

It chilled me to the bones to read your story, especially the part of your staying in a car in freezing conditions. No human being deserves that decrepit fate. To your heartless family members I say this at this time - KARMA IS A BITCH!

I'm glad you told the other person (sister?) off but ya probably could have done more - BTW, what's up with the "made me"? Didn't Dear Abby or Ann Landers once say that nobody can take advantage of you without your permission? In any event, you did well with the amount of time that you did stand up for yourself - keep up the good work!

Even more importantly, please treat yourself gently. If you can limit your time with your mother, please do so.....

The best to you during this holiday season....

MINNA72 12/25/2009 9:06AM

Sounds like you had a rough time growing up. So sorry for that.

Wishing you peace this holiday season.

CATLOVER7731 12/25/2009 8:26AM

I am so sorry that this has happened. I don't celebrate christmas, but I can imagine how bad you feel. I think you need to put yourself first, and stop trying to please family, next holiday season, do something for yourself.. go on vacation to a wonderful tropical place and admire all the semi dressed men, or buy yourself a nice gift. If people treat you like crap, you don't need that . Give yourself a pep talk, as I call them, remember you are a beautiful women and deserve the best treatment. You are worth it!
((hugs))
Cheryl

MNNSAIDE 12/25/2009 8:22AM

Oh Friend - I am sorry - but please don't say you hate Christmas as the true meaning is of the Birth of our Lord and Savior. I sounds as thou you tried your best this year and that is what counts. If family time during Christmas is making so many bad memories do something different like help out at a nursing home / a soup kitchen / an orphan. You will be appreciated in what ever kind act you do and it won't cost you anything but your time.

Love your mom / dad - they are the only ones you have - mine have both passed and I miss them dearly. Yes, I had a beautiful childhood.

I pray that things look up for you and that in the coming years you will build up beautiful memories. In closing let me add this Christmas Poem for you as my Christmas gift to you.

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the town
Not a sign of Baby Jesus
Was anywhere to be found.

The people were all busy
With Christmas time chores
Like decorating, and baking,
And shopping in stores

No one sang

'Away in a manger, no crib for a bed."
Instead, they sang of Santa
Dressed-up in bright red.

Mama watched Martha Stewart,
Papa drank beer from a tap.
As hour upon hour
The presents they'd wrap

When what from the T.V.
Did they suddenly hear?
'Cept an ad...Which told
of a big sale at Sears.

So away to the mall
They all flew like a flash...
Buying things on credit...
And others with cash!

And, as they made their way home
From their trip to the mall,
Did they think about Jesus?
Oh, no...Not at all.

Their lives were so busy
With their Christmas time things
No time to remember
Christ Jesus, the King.

There were presents to wrap
And cookies to bake.
How could they stop and remember
Who died for their sake?

To pray to the Savior....
They had no time to stop.
Because they needed more time
To "Shop til they dropped!"

On Wal-mart! On K-mart!
On Target! On Penny's!
On Hallmark! On Zales!
A quick lunch at Denny's

From the big stores downtown
To the stores at the mall
They would dash away, dash away,
And visit then all!

And up on the roof,
There arose such a clatter
As grandpa hug icicle lights
Up on his brand new step ladder.

He hung lights that would flash.
He hung lights that would twirl.
they never once prayed to Jesus.....
Light of the World.

Christ's eyes....How the twinkled!
Christ's Spirit.....How merry!
Christ's love....How enormous!
All our burdens ....He'll carry!
So instead of being busy,
Overworked, and uptight
Let's put Christ back in CHRISTmas
And enjoy some goon nights!

Merry Christmas.

Wham was I even alive?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'M THE SECOND ONE IN THE VIDEO : MAMITO :) (The first one is my sister)

ATTENTION!: The song is by Vitamin C and all the rights to the song belong to her.

So this is a sweet video of me going down memory lane of my sister's and my, graduation. Looking back I realize I wasn't ever happy. I always used to think I was but now looking back at the pictures in the memory lane video they are all horrendous! I often ask myself was I even alive? If so, I was dillusional. Anyway enjoy it's a cute video none the less and has pics of me when I was younger.

Me Now