Monday, June 30, 2014
Ever since I had my latest weigh in last Thursday, this song has been haunting me.... except that the words in my head are "99 pounds from my goal....."
I hope you enjoy it. I LOVE this song!
Sunday, June 01, 2014
Today would have been my father's 87th birthday. He died last year. I had not seen or talked to him in years. It wasn't & isn't because I didn't love him. It was because I let time get away from me. It was because I let my phone phobia keep me from calling him. It was because I let my fear of rejection dictate my actions. FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real.
How many times have you let FEAR keep you from doing things that you wanted to do. Not things that you SHOULD do, but things that you WANTED to do? In my case, it is more times than I can count. FEAR. It's an ugly evil that seems to permiate far too much of my life.
There are friends that I have and LOVE. Do I call them? Rarely? Do I write them personal notes to tell them how much they mean to me & how important that they have been in my life? Not often enough. WHY? FEAR... that phone call might be "bothering them"... my "mushy" notes might be embarrassing or they might think I'm weird or corny. Isn't that silly? WHO CARES if they think that I am crazy. Maybe I am. The truth is that it is far more important for me to TELL PEOPLE (especially my family & friends) that I love them & that they are important to me. Time moves too quickly. Don't let it pass you by. Don't let FEAR rule your life.
It's the same with our progress on SparkPeople. In our daily lives, and especially in our mission to move the scale. FEAR.... we become afraid to try new things, new food plans, new exercises. One of the problems that I have with changing up my exercise plan is that it means that I would have to come out of the pool. I am NEEDING to change things up. I am NEEDING to do some new things to help keep the scale moving and to help my body continue to shift & shrink. I have a full membership to the Y because of my employment there. I have full access to the nautilus & weight rooms as well as the track (and of course the pool). My friend & colleague Joe (the lifeguard) has been encouraging me to SWIM LAPS. That would keep me in the pool & happy but be a big change up. So... have I done it? ONCE! Why is it such a big deal? FEAR. Fear that folks will see how goofy that I look & think less of me. FEAR that it will be evident that I'm not a great swimmer so why should people pay me to teach them to swim. FEAR that I'll be taking up the lap lanes when other (more important?) folks need to be swimming in them. FEAR that I'll screw up my breathing and make my asthma flair up. FEAR!!!! Why don't I go in & use the Nautilus room? FEAR!!! FEAR of the mirrors and how awful (read FAT) that I look when I glare in them. FEAR that I'll be taking up "other people's" precious workout time by using the equipment when THEY need to be using it. FEAR that I'll look stupid using them. FEAR that I'll be too big to fit on some of it. FEAR that I'll hurt myself. FEAR that I'll be the biggest person in there.
The truth is that I MUST let go of all that FEAR. I am WORTH the effort to try new things. I CAN swim laps & SHOULD..... more importantly I WILL!!! I can workout in the Nautilus room. I enjoy using the rowing machine. It's true. I also enjoy using the nautilus weight equipment. I WILL start doing it more often. I am WORTH that effort. I WILL push myself not to worry about what other people think. I am just as worthy of using the equipment as anyone else. I AM WORTHY. I will NOT allow FEAR to kill my self worth.
On Feb 25th I started a "new to me" food plan. NO SUGAR/NO STARCH. Honestly, I almost let FEAR keep me from doing it. FEAR that it was just another "FAD". FEAR that I wouldn't be able to stick to it. FEAR that my friends & family would not understand or would make fun of me. "My way" had caused me to gain 10 pounds between Jan 1st until Feb 25th. I decided to do the food plan, in spite of my FEAR... and here I am, 50 pounds later (40 pounds from Jan 1st.. but 50 from that fateful Feb 25th day because of the weight gain). I am feeling so good about myself and so successful right now. What if I had allowed the FEAR to keep me from doing this? Where would I be? FEAR says... give up, give in, quit. NO!!!! Do NOT give in to FEAR. Follow your heart & your dreams... do what is best for you. Do what is POSSIBLE.
I weigh & measure all my food. FEAR says people will make fun of me if they see me do it. LOVING DAWN HEALTHY says, DO IT ANYWAY. Do people look? Yes. Do they make fun of me? I don't really think so. They are curious.. but mostly they seem to be very supportive when I tell them that I've lost about 160 pounds and am still losing. IT's worth every minute of of facing my FEAR.
FACE YOUR FEAR. Then, let it go. My 12-step journey has repeatedly told me to LET GO & LET GOD. That's much easier said than done. Today I am promising myself that I am going to strive harder to do just that. One day at a time. One minute at a time sometimes. But... walk THROUGH it, don't let is stop your journey. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I AM WORTH IT. WE ARE WORTH IT.
I love you dad. I am sorry that I didn't face my FEAR & reach out to you more. I'm sorry that I let FEAR take away some of the joy that we might have had. I'm sorry that I have let FEAR take away a LOT of the joy that I might have had through out my life. TODAY, NOW... I promise myself to push through the FEAR and reach out to more of my friends and family. I promise to allow my emotions to show instead of hiding them behind the walls of fat/protection that I have used all these years.
This week I got a precious gift. A miracle of sorts. I got a sparkmail from a woman that I knew from grade school. At the core of my inner self is a story that has molded a lot of who I am. SHE is the star of that story. I need to talk to her. FEAR is standing in my way. I have prayed to be able to talk to her and to tell her that she is important to me & that I will do whatever I can to help her. She wrote to me & asked if I would help support her on her Spark journey. It was & is an answer to YEARS of prayer. Prayer that I would be able to right a wrong and make ammends. NOW... FEAR is making it hard for me to move forward. I should have called her today & talked to her. FEAR says... you'll sound like an idiot... or she'll hate you... or all manner of other "crap" that FEAR puts in our heads & hearts. Tonight, I commit to write a letter to her explaining how she is a miracle to me. MAYBE THEN... walking through this FEAR... will allow healing that will help me to help myself. GOD IS GOOD... GOD conquers all fear... if we Let Go & Let God.
Here we go....... won't you join me?
Saturday, May 31, 2014
It's been too long since I last posted a blog. It has NOT been because things are not going well in my SPARK life. It's just because I tend to allow myself to become more of a "human doing" than a "human being". I love the Lincoln Rymes series by Jeffrey Deaver. One of my favorite characters pushes herself to stay busy because "if you keep busy, they can't get to you" or something along that line. Much of the time, that is how I feel. Truthfully, I'm not really sure what I am afraid of "catching" me but it always feels like there is something....
I digress. It's been a good month. We are now at the half-way point for the year. I have lost 40 pounds since Jan 1st. That's a happy thing since I lost 60 pounds in 2012 & 60 pounds in 2013. This means that I am ahead of the game. I believe that it is mostly because I have an awesome food plan that I am following. However, I own the fact that I am totally committed to the plan AND to taking care of DAWN. It would appear that "loving Dawn healthy" is finally really coming to fruition. It is my prayer that I will continue to push myself forward and hold tight to my resolve. I am VERY SERIOUS about this.
The big milestone in my life right now is that on my last weigh in (last Thursday) I weighed in at 295!!! Yes, I am now in "two-ter-ville" as some have called it. I have been focused on getting into the 200's for so long that it will be sort of odd to be changing my focus to the 100's. I am thinking that perhaps the healthiest thing for me to do right now is to just embrace where I am right now, today, and enjoy how good it feels to FEEL successful. I am very happy.
It is important that I share that I am NOT alone in my journey. Without my SERIOUS SISTERS helping me day in & day out I would not be where I am right now. Add to that an awesome Lovely Limes Team Family who help to keep me motivated and inspired AND a couple of other WONDERFUL supportive friendship groups who help me "FEEL" needed and "a part of"... and you can see how blessed I really am. My Spark Friends have come to be so important to me. More than you realize. I am so grateful for my life and especially my SPARK life.
June is going to be special for me. I am joining a fellow Serious Sister and turning back to stats... doing a complete reset on everything. A clean slate. It feels like the right thing for me to do. I am going to regroup, a take a good look at my caloric range, decide how I am change up my exercise routine and basically refurbish my program. It would really please me to see another 40 pounds go before the end of 2014. I will be honest with you. However, it is MORE important to me that I get to enjoy my life and continue in my pursuit of "loving Dawn healthy". It has become evident to me that ACCEPTING myself as I am is key.
THANK YOU for all that you do for me. Bright blessings to you all. Please stick with me and TOGETHER we can make it to our happiest and healthiest US.
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
1st quarter of 2014 complete. Since Jan 1st, I have lost 13 pounds. That is only 3.88%. However, I am NOT going to stress over it. I am losing and that is a happy thing. I have set the goal for the 2nd quarter's loss to be 5%... which will make my July 1st goal: 305. We'll see if I can get there. I sure hope so. If nothing else, I am determined.
My focus for the first quarter of the year has been to MAKE A HAPPY DAY. This means that I have been focusing on being happy & CHOOSING Happiness. The HAPPY SONG has been such a hit & plays in my head a LOT. I really want to download it to my workout MP3 player. That will really liven up my personal workouts. I just can't hear that song & NOT be happy.
Furthermore, I have continued to focus on LOVING DAWN HEALTHY. My food plan has been a huge help in that respect. I continue to workout daily, attend church, SPARK, and eat properly. I am tracking all my food, fitness & water. I am reminding myself DAILY of my many blessings & tracking my gratitudes in my blessing/gratitude jar.
My belief that 2014... my 55th year... would be the best year ever.... has proven to be true so far. I am & will continue to believe this to be true & to live my life as if it IS a given.
1st quarter "focal points"
1. Turned 55 on Jan 15th.
2. Had an awesome POOL party to celebrate
3. My youngest son was released from jail on Feb 13th
4. My DH turned 55 on Feb 17th
5. Started the NO SUGAR NO STARCH food plan on Feb 25th
6. Traveled to Pittsburgh & meet my beloved "serious sisters" March 13-19
7. March 20th, got my van back & on the road after a 6month breakdown
8. March 23rd met & worked with my newest "little swimmers"
9. March 29th celebrated my granddaughter, McKenzie's 12th birthday
10. April 1st weighed in at 322 & started the 2nd quarter of 2014.
Important events in my Spark Life 1st quarter, 2014:
Completed the Lovely Limes Winter Warm Up BL Challenge on Feb 20th
Started the Lovely Limes Spring Into Action BL Challenge on March 13th
Continued focusing on interacting with my other Team Families... including posting in the chat threads often, playing the games & sending out goodies & messages to ALL of the team family members.
Attempted to Blog as often as possible, without pushing myself or stress.
Met with my 2 Spark Serious Sisters & continue to maintain daily contact.
My conclusion is that 2014 has been VERY SUCCESSFUL & has so far proven to be "the best year ever"... and guess what?!?!?! I'm HAPPY!!!!!
Thank you for being a part of what makes me feel so loved & welcome here on Spark People. Bright blessings to you all.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Today has been another good day. I am feeling good about my food plan & about my life. My caloric range is low & has been staying in range for quite awhile now. That makes me happy. My carbs are good today. As I said yesterday, they have been at 20 or below since Feb 25th except for 9 days. A couple of those days it was just 21 or 22. The highest day was 38 carbs. I am thinking that since the major culprits on the high carbs were either tomatoes or Brussels sprouts, I don't have to spend too much time stressing over it.
This morning I awoke to snoW. Yes, I know that it's Spring. It appears that Mother-Nature doesn't care. We were only supposed to get a slight dusting of snow & then rain. NOPE. It snowed all day long. While it stuck to the ground and was beautiful, the happy thing is that it never stuck to any of the roads. The kids didn't even miss school. Funny thing... it stopped snowing around 4pm and the sun came out, warmed everything up and POOF... the snow cleared up and was gone in less than an hour. It turned beautiful. Gotta like that... the only problem was that I had already canceled our OA meeting for the night because it was still snowing & the temperatures were supposed to drop and cause freezing tonight. One of our members has a hubby that demanded she not come. The other regular doesn't drive in snow. Sooooo, that left me and I felt that it was just as well that I stayed home. I missed having a meeting but enjoyed having the evening to "chill". I've been watching a lot of shows that have been on my DVR. I really enjoyed myself.
I've been thinking a lot about my life since Spark People. One of the things that I did while I was in Pittsburgh was get a tattoo of the Spark Logo. I mentioned that already & even posted a picture of the new tat. What I really like is that on my left wrist, I have an AA symbol. I can look at it all the time and be reminded that AA has saved my life by helping me to achieve sobriety & sanity. Now, on my right wrist, I have the SparkPeople LOGO which reminds me that SparkPeople has also changed my life by teaching me to Love Myself and that getting healthy is NOT just about dieting & losing weight but about changing my life & my life style. I am so grateful for these simple symbols Reminders or where I AM sober & health conscious.... but also where I have been and how important that it for me to KEEP the healthy new ME as permanent as my tattoos. I am determined to keep moving forward, one day at a time, doing the next right thing... exercising, eating on my food plan, tracking all my food, exercise & water... SPARKING daily, staying in constant contact with the people that I have come to rely upon and LOVE. Those people are YOU, my SparkFriends. You motivate and inspire me daily.
This week we had a challenge on our Lovely Limes BLC team... it was to visit each other's Spark Pages and come back to the team Chat thread to report on new things that we have learned about one another. It has been the most awesome challenge EVER! It is wonderful to see how everyone on the team family (and we ARE a family) have been checking one another out and coming back with new & different bits of information. Funny how people can look at the same page about the same people and see different things, facts & aspects of them. It has been absolutely mavelous to get to know one another the way that we have been. I have the most awesome Team Family in all of Spark Land and I'm not afraid to say that. Our stats may not make us #1 all the time.. but by golly WE ARE #1 in Spirit and Soul. I am so blessed to be a part of the team and a co-leader as well. What an honor to be part of these women changing their lives & becoming healthier day by day. I am so grateful that they are sharing their journeys with me. My co-leader, Deb.... is truly a GREAT person and this challenge was HER IDEA! My hat is off to her. This was & is the best exercise in building team spirit and comraderie that I have ever experienced. Thank you Deb.
Tomorrow I am not only teaching my classes but I am also going to go & help run a "bingo" hour at a local retirement facility. I'm nervous about going because I really have almost a phobia about hospitals and facilities like this. I really get almost sick freaked out thinking about going. I really don't know why that I agreed to go... but I am going to pray about it and push myself to do it. It's the right thing to do. Just one more step in growth I suppose. I'll have to let you know how it goes. That means that it is going to be a long day. I teach 3 classes in the morning starting at 6am.. the the bingo thing... then back to the pool to teach 2 more classes in the evening. I'd better get myself to bed.
Here's hoping that you have also had a good day and that you are finding little things to be grateful for in your life. It amazed me that our lives are so full of blessings and we often miss them. I'm so grateful that I have had my eyes opened to the possibilities of blessings even in what might be seen as problems. I am so grateful for so much that I don't have enough time or energy to post them all here.
Bright blessings to you all.
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