The following is a paragraph from John MacArthur's study Bible. I found it to be captivating and pertinent to the questions I'm asking today.
“The basic theme of Psalms is living real life in the real world where two dimensions operate simultaneously; 1) a horizontal or temporal reality. 2) a vertical or transcendent reality .Without denying the pain of the earthly dimension, the people of God are to live joyfully and dependently on the person and promises standing behind the heavenly/eternal dimension. All cycles of human trouble and triumphs provide occasions for expressing human complaints, confidence, prayers or praise to Israel’s Sovereign Lord.”
I was wondering : Am I self pitying? Do I have REASON or excuse to pity myself? This seems to say that I can be real before God about my pain but leave it with God and go on to live in joy and gratitude before the rest of the world.
As I have mentioned in the past Sparkpeople.com has been a big part of my life in my attempts to lose weight and regain strength. IN the past several months it has been all I can do to drop in on the RAD team (Rheumatoid Autoimmune Disease) where I am one of the leaders...and just update them on my current status and trying to encourage those there who are struggling. It used to be a really active team with posts appearing every hour at least. Lately though...it's been dead. AS dead as my own attempts at a healthy lifestyle....And yesterday one of the members of that team wrote me an honest letter - the "tough love" approach. She said that I am feeling self pity and that if I don' t get my act together I will die. And to that statement I said something like "That would be okay with me:"
Unfortunately that statement was looked upon as though it were a suicidal threat. Which it was not. Not in any way shape or form. AFter my last suicide attempt (you will have to read it in my book....I'm not going to explain it here.) I learned that my life belongs to the Lord....he holds the calendar for my life and until he beckons me....I'm stuck here. I look forward to heaven more than anyone I know does. I cannot wait to see my beloved Lord and get into that new body. I'm READY. But I am not going to try to take my life out of God's hands. I am His.
But the issue of self pity stuck to me....I do not feel like I am pitying myself. I do what I have to do everyday with the little bit of strength I have. I am in pain. I have accepted the fact that for as long as I live, I will have daily pain....and sometimes that pain is excruciating. It's a fact. It is what it is.
I have asthma which sends me into bronchospasm merely by walking across the living room.,,,I cannot exercise. My pulmonologist told me if I exercise, I will die. I'm not making that up. it's a fact. But I can do some stretches which I did today following a Richard Simmons ancient VCR tape. So I will try to do things like that. Lifting arm weights although with two messed up elbows and two painful shoulders...that will not be easy But I promised I would try it. So that's on for tomorrow.
I do not want to be thought of as someone who has given up and who pities themselves. How do I avoid that/ Do i just stop talking about pain and how lousy I feel? Just "suck it up"?In my life, I do not talk about pain unless someone specifically asks me. I do what I can and what i have to do. I don't walk around moaning and kvetching. Maybe in my writing on this team....because I look at it as a safe environment where I will not be derided or given a hard time. It's a place where we can support each other. But maybe some people think it's a place to spread cheer and positive thinking. Maybe we are just approaching the team from different directions.
Right now I'm in bad shape. Maybe from the stretches today? It's the only thing different. I will keep plugging at it.
Well, my box of books arrived. How exciting to see my name on the front cover and picture on the back. (of course the pic was taken a few years ago, a few pounds ago and a few (lot) of gray hairs ago....but hey it's how I'd like to be remembered.
I came up from being in the basement today and I was carrying a jar of spaghetti sauce and it felt SO HEAVY in ny hands and the weight of it make it really difficult to climb the steps. I was appalled at how weak I've gotten. I really do need to start doing some kind of strength training as well as flexibility...I'm as stiff as a board...my joints are all but frozen in one position.
I know it's important.
I know it's gonna hurt
I know if i don't do it, it will probably hurt even worse.
I sort of don't know where to start. I need a really gentle really easy routine. AHA! I have just the ones. One is called "Stretching with the Classics by Richard Simmons (best part of it is he doesn't say a word through the whole workout. The other one is "Yogalates" I can't think of the leaders name. She has long braided hair and a beautiful voice with a soft foreign accent. This DVD works on the core and on stretching out your legs. It is soothing and gentle. Here and now I am pledging that I will do these two DVDs--maybe one a day until I get stronger and more limber
Then once I get those done so they are easy, I will work on chair yoga and chair dancing.
That is enough goal setting for now. I am hoping my daughter can join in with me but the problem would be a lack of room in the basement room...I have a bed in there and a dresser and TV/VCR/DVD and a recumbent bike. So probably will have to do it one at a time.
It would also be good to do calf raises on the step, walking up and down the steps, and wall push ups. and possibly squats. I don't want to over load myself with goals. I tend to do that....I get excited by my plans that i set too many of them and get discouraged.
And eating? I'm eating out a LOT usually one meal a day (not every day) and I usually bring half home for either later or the next day. The other thing I've been eating is frozen meals. Pot Pies etc. I know they are not the best for you but I have few options. I cannot cook anymore other than just heating something up. I cannot stand for more than five minutes. Maybe If I were to buy a bunch of veggies already pealed and cut up, maybe then I could steam them and eat them in wraps or pita or over rice. I should also add some mushrooms and beans. And what is that?? That is DR FURHMAN'S Eat to LIve Diet. HIS recipes are impossibly difficult for me right now but If I do it this way....it just might work. I don't know if Eric will get on the boat with me but he might. I know he feels like crap and could die any day now. Maybe this will be his ticket to health. And my daughter is sick every day. She eats like crap too.
I'm goign now to make my shopping order on the computer. I think this just might work.
I have a lot to say....since almost a whole month has gone by since I last did much of anything on Spark's site. Here's a quick summary:
1) My book is now being printed. I should receive my first box of books any day now.
2) My weight has been fluctuating back and forth over the same five pounds. However that whole "range" is five pounds lower than it was before. Which means I've lost anywhere from 5-10 pounds. But I'm frustrated because I'm so STUCK.
3) I was temporarily involved with a different support group for AI (autoimmune diseases) I got "burned" because some of the people are very much "know it all" and can be curt and kind of nasty if you say something they don't like.....So I learned my lesson and am coming back to the best AI forum on the web. The One right here at Spark (Living with RAD)
4) My liver enzymes were shooting up so the doc took me off of all my meds and put me on an oral biologic which is just for PsA....not for any of the other RADs I have. It seems not to be helping but he said I have to give it three months. So far it's been a little more than one month.
5) I have to go to a neurologist because my husband suspects I have RSD/CRPS which is a disease that is EXTREMELY painful involving numbness , furious itching, sensitivity to touch all in one area that had undergone some trauma to the nervous system. My area is my right thigh and that is pursuant to hip replacement surgery.
Of course when I read up on this disease, it is HIGHLY prevalent amongst people with RAD and inflammatory disease such as asthma (both of which I have) I'm not going to get all freaked out ....I may have something else, who knows.
6) I have not been tracking my food. I eat out way too much but I always bring home half of the meal and often skip dinner (or lunch depending on when I ate out) and I will eat the meal the next day. I am making some real progress about not eating at night. I don't know why or how but I'm not goign to look a gift horse in the mouth.
7) I feel terrible for not being present as a team leader. I promise to try to do better from here on in. You guys (ladies) are the best!!