Sunday, July 28, 2013
I was looking for new fitness videos on youtube and came across this new fitness channel and their first video was http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5COzZlxaI4
, which was about how to burn 1 thousand calories! Mind you, the video lasts 1 hour and a half!
Would this be even healthy to do and would it be best to cut it into sections, like doing 30 mins now and 1 hour later? I might as well do several workouts in a day to burn the same amount of calories.
Even though I have not been active on my sparkpage or blogging, I've still been on SP, tracking my fitness and nutrition when I can. I've been on a massive health kick for about a few months now. I'm so near my goal weight! I'm trying to clean up my diet and get over my bad eating habits, such as snacking at night, eating too much in one meal and regretting it when my stomach complains, etc. Slowly but surely, I am getting better. I make many mistakes like eating more food 30 mins after having food, causing my stomach to be in pain from eating too much without realizing how full I actually was but am learning to try and not repeat the same mistakes.
I love my strength training! I feel stronger and fitter but was neglecting the cardio side of things, which I am now trying to readdress by adding more interval / circuit workouts into my regime and be more consistent with the jogging.
I've been eating, on the whole, very healthy and clean but I seem to eat far too much! I can eat all the best food (lean protein, fruit and veg, wholegrains, no sugar / junkfood at all, etc) but seem to struggle keeping within a decent calorie limit.
I have more free time now the school term has ended and I'm not teaching. If I could burn 1,000 calories a day like in the above video, I 'should' lose about 2 lbs a week! I think I'm about only 10lbs or less than my goal weight, which I haven't been at in years, but am very close!
I'm trying! I'm learning from past mistakes, working out what and how often eating suits me and how I work, so even though I have been losing weight for close on 5 years with SP now, I'm definitely still learning!
This is me in June, 2013 - I look so much healthier than I did at uni in 2007/2008, when I was obese and would feel self-conscious and bad about myself. Sure I do have issues to do with, and some hangups regarding food and my body, but when I stop and think of how nice it is to not be so out of breath just moving out in the day and how much I feel stronger, it really does hit me. I love being healthier! I enjoy getting fit! It's certainly a struggle sometimes and being consistent in healthy eating and getting the fitness in the day can be hard, but it's so worth it. :)
Friday, January 04, 2013
I need to get my priorities sorted - I need to calm mind, help it recover and eat nutritiously! Not starve or berate self for going over cal limit but eat to live! I need to help myself, not feel determined by my weightloss and weight. Sure, I've stopped weighing myself but my expectations on suddenly getting fitter and healthier are unrealistic. I live in the real world. I will go out to meet friends and sometime have a coffee or a healthy meal that ends up being more cals than I realised!
I had a very bad day (lots of minor things going wrong, then realised how little money I had over Xmas and worked myself up in such an anxious state then I ended up crying). I did realise that overcoming my depression is not easy and tried to stay calm and not freak out. That saved my in the afternoon but when speaking to my Mum this evening, I cracked.
What I should be proud of today:
- I am trying to get priorities straight. I need to do an important application and have been neglecting it so concentrated on it for the last few hours and made some headway.
- I did not eat as badly as I realised. Sure I went over my newly imposed 1700 cal limit but I ate good food. I said no to the chocolate cake that my friends offered to share with me. I made the best food choices I could while still trying to eat healthy.
- I decided yesterday that I would go jogging for the first time in months since it is part of my new plan to exercise in small amounts but more consistently. I said I would only have to do 5 minutes but ended up doing 15 minutes non-stop, which I am proud of.
I did not do the strength training session I planned and know I would have done if 2 of my friends were not visiting my city and who I had not seen in a year. I knew that getting out of the house and interacting with people would help me feel a bit happier and defeat my depression. I have a lot of plans I want to implement this year to sort out my mind and body by creating my own happiness project like that Gretchen lady advised in her book, tailoring it to me and my needs. I have so much hope in it but fail to realise that great intentions don't automatically means I've done it. It takes time and I need to remember this.
This sparkpage made me realise that I still have unrealistic expectations regarding my weight and it is something that I need to work on.
Update from my last blog - I wasn't pregnant and don't seem to have suffered from an early menopause which I had convinced myself I was experiencing at the age of 28!
My periods stopped for 3 months. I spoke to my doctor and realising I was quite depressed, I've been put on a SSRI antidepressant. After 2 weeks I had a marked improvement in mood and my period came back! My doctor thinks it was my stress that caused the periods to go away. I have heard that some individuals who eat so little or exercise so much that their periods go but I did not think that was my reason. Just in case, I stopped focusing on dieting as much and ate more (but still healthily mostly) and put exercise on the backburner a bit more, but neither really helped.
It was the antidepressant that truly helped. When my period came back, the doctor assumes it was the extra stress I have had and said 'don't underestimate the minds affect on the body'. It hard to not be stressed when you are very depressed and your periods disappear, making me stressed!
I have been on the antideps for weeks or so now and they definitely do help. It's not to say I have bad days where I end up very anxious or cry about something but I am a LOT better than how I was before. I had suicidal thoughts (even though I doubt I would act on them), had no enjoyment in life and was so unhappy, very tearful and incredibly anxious. I may be on them for 6 months but if it helps me live life without feeling so unhappy, then so be it. I want to sort my mind out and am thinking of many things I can do in my personal happiness project that can help me, like meditating every day, writing my thoughts in a journal and dealing with my issues. I'm positive but need to remember to not do too much since I often find I have very high expectation on myself to achieve things and this can be very damaging to myself. I want to go all guns blazing with the many things I am trying to but need to calm it down I think or I will be taking on too much and start suffering again. I'm doing this to help, so I don't why I make it so difficult sometimes and stressful!
I need to remember that
Update on my update 10 mins after! I decided that I was being silly. My focus should not be on losing weight but getting better. I am not going to deny myself a healthy snack like an apple and nuts or a bowl or muesli with soya milk if it simply goes over my calorie limit. I wanted a bowl of cereal and just decided to have. I normally measure everything to each miniscule part but did not bother. It's a bowl of mixed granola and muesli. It won't kill me. Freakly out, being obessed and mentally beat myself will though. I will eat healthily but to maintain my current healthy weight. Once I'm doing fine on 2000 calories and could lower to a bit less, than I will. But not now. Not when I am starting a new regime on trying to beat my depression. Not when I have 1 week left to do my educational psychology funded training application, which is very important and will set me in career-wise for the next 5 years with 3 years training and the required 2 years working that is done in the same area straight after. I need to ENJOY life and actually LIVE. I can only do some much and my sanity and health is the most impact. Not weighing 9 and half stone (133 lbs). I've stopped weighing myself because I don't want a number to define my worth but estimate I'm around 10 and half stone (147 lbs). It's a hell of a lot better than when I was obese and weighed 15 stone (210 lbs)!
My goals for my personal happiness project will be focusing on peace, love and joy. I want to find peace and calm my mind while increasing positive thoughts and getting rid of negative thinking; I want to care more by volunteering later on when I am ready and start loving myself more by treating myself with care and kindness; and I want to have more joy in life, do fun things and ultimately be happy.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
How to start...
My period hasn't come in 8 weeks and yet I'm not pregnant. I'm 28, in a non-secure job and single so thankfully am not pregnant I guess. I've never had my period not coming before and it scares me. Once I realised my period was so late I even totally convinced myself that somehow I may be carrying despite not being in a relationship for several months (apparently some people who are pregnant can still have 'periods' and even end up in labour before they realised but obviously it's very RARE!). I was scared, freaking out but in a way part happy - who knew I wanted children?! I have had moments of broodiness in the last few years but have never seriously considered it! Two pregnancy tests and a dr's visit later, I know this to not be true.
I have gone from thinking I may be thinking that I may be having a baby sometime soon to worrying that I may not be having babies (conceived naturally) ever! What if my period never comes back? And why has it gone! I have read about people who get their menopause in the twenties! To think this may happen to me and with no warning is surreal. I went to the dr on Monday and she suggested it may be a thyroid issue and it could explain the other symptoms I've had of late. For the last several weeks I have felt stressed as normal but particularly feeling down. Having had depression several times before I was (and still am) worried that it may be returning. I have trouble getting to sleep and not waking in the night (sometimes from worry, others times due to hunger even when I have a late night snack like oats and casein protein, which is meant to release slowly to keep you fuller for longer. I know that if I am hungry, I just simply can't sleep! I will lie there with my eyes closed until I eat some food).
My eating habits have gone haywire. I was hungry all the time and often felt insatiable. Now I eat out of habit (5 / 6 smallish healthy meals a day by basically eating clean). And yet I can't sense when I am hungry, which is very unusual for me. When I do eat I don't get the usual satisfaction of eating food and being satied. I have found that sometimes this as led me to overeating but weirdly I never feel full in a way but will feel uncomfortable in my stomach as if I have eaten too much. It's weird because I don't feel that I am hungry but physically I only know it later on.
I'm tired all the time. I find it difficult to get thought the day of working as a teaching assistant with small children. I stopped exercising for a week or two but am trying now to do some activity as my dr suggested. Last weekend was my dad's birthday and unusually I was very emotional and cried every day. I worry about what do with my life, what career I should aim for and start working towards and feel stuck in life, and just ended up crying a lot to mum. I've had a few suicidal thoughts but doubt I will act on them.
I don't know if the possible physical medical issue of having an underactive thyroid is causing my depression or if they are separate. And what happens if the blood test comes back saying my thyroid levels are normal? I have no idea what could cause the last of period? It could range from stress to possible menopause or tumour.
I don't mean to moan about my issues but I need to mention is somewhere. I'm trying to relax and not worry too much but with my period not coming it's very hard! I feel like something is not right with me or functioning properly - my body and in my brain. I'll get the results of the blood test in a day or two and will see the dr next Monday. In some ways I hope they do find a problem with my thyroid so at least I can take a tab that may make me feel better and bring my period back and my mental state to normality even though the idea of taking a pill every day for my life would not be great.
I'm hoping I can
Saturday, September 22, 2012
I don't know why but I have been binging a lot in the last few days. I was going so well before! I ate a very clean diet, did my determined amount of cardio each day and did ST when planned but yesterday and today I've eaten like there is no tomorrow!!
It's weird but over the last few days I've been returning to this thought I've pondered over the last few years about selling my own baked goods. I've read articles about people making a bit of money selling their cakes and such at local markets at the weekend and since I love cooking, I've always wondered whether I could do the same. I love to cook but obviously want to eat healthily and have often found there to be a struggle between these two issues. I went to a country fête in Upton park near Poole (a town in south England) where I met this lovely lady who made these cakes from vegetables and that contained no fat. I forgot what it was but it wasn't like a carrot cake or something like that, but a cake with such a strange vegetable to include but tasted delish!! I now want to make cakes and treats that are nutritious if that is possible and which aren't like the sinfully chocolate stuff because I love to eat clean and do believe sugar is so bad for you. Anywho, my mind has been racing with how to start a business selling healthy baked treats, what I could make, where I could sell it, what I could call it, how I would design the packaging, etc, like a madman with an idea that has run away with me!!
Even though I love food like cake and fruit tea bread because of the calories I have been trying out various versions in cafés which I wish to emulate and been thinking about what I could create and all this focus on treats has made me eat like crazy!! My binging these last two days can't be all down to this but it's like I have had no control over my appetite! Even when I know I am full, when I've previously backtracked on promises to myself to not have another treat for the day and to stay super clean, I eat some more and then snack again!!
On Friday night I know I had eaten more than I had planned in the day but thought that rather than berate myself about it, just say I had eaten more than planned but I will eat superclean the next day and even planned my meals and prepared in advance. Unfortunately I have not stuck to it! I went to Bath today with family to meet relatives from South Africa that I have never met before and so it's been a crazy day. I did okay in beginning, ate a good breakfast of greek yogurt and fruit, and then oats with protein powder later but then kept on snacking on falafels on the way down, had 5 coffees in the day, had an alcoholic drink when decided I didn't want to have any in the restaurant and ended up having dessert which I never normally do! I even had sticky toffee pudding which I have tasted a bit before and really liked it. It was good but not that amazing and to be honest, I would have felt better and more proud of myself and felt better in the long term but NOT eating extra, not feeling bloated and bit angry that I did not keep to my plan. I plan to eat clean tomorrow, eat my oats and protein in the morning, no coffee in the day, no sugary / sweet snacks, and such but I am worried I can't guarantee it knowing how I did today! All I can say it that I ate too much, don't feel great about but not going to hate myself and make it worse. I plan to eat better tomorrow and want a super clean week next week while doing regular exercise but unsure know whether I can do it! Why is it after losing 65lbs I find it hard at the last 5lbs?! Surely it should be easier or I would have thought!
Sorry my thoughts are very random but this is how I have been feeling of late, like there is a million thoughts and ideas going around and around in my head and it's hard to keep track of them all and know what to focus on. I should be getting resources ready for my job where I work as a one-to-one person with an autistic child in a mainstream school; I really want to eat super clean and continue daily exercise; I want to work out my issues surrounding my low self-esteem and deal with past problems; and apply for a funded place on an educational psychology which I have to do by late January and so on, so many things I have to do and want to achieve but it's like where do I get the time?! I've tried cutting down to what is essential but I find many of these things I need to deal with now. I've noticed I have been very stressed of late and so have realised that I actually just need to stop sometimes and simply relax but that's not always easy for me to do. I never used to be like that. Even 2 years ago I could relax whenever and just take time out but now it's like 'I have to do this and do that...'. I'm the opposite of my brother who is very lazy and procrastinates. I know that if I want to get something done, I need to do it now and it can't wait or I'll forget or get sidetracked by something else.
I'm going to write down my plan for next week that I hope to stick to and will just take it one day at a time! I don't know what else I can do.
Friday, August 17, 2012
I don't know why but I've been eating loads these last few days!!! It's weird because I've only just hit my target weight of 140 lbs and have been trying to maintain my weight whilst thinking about losing some more but my eating habits have gone crazy! It doesn't help that I'm visiting relatives in Dorset and although it's lovely to be here and do fun active things like see various seaside towns, swimming in the sea and biking, I've been unable to control and dictate what I want to eat rather than be left to circumstances. I've been trying to do my best, said 'no' to various sugary / fatty foods like ice cream and chocolate, which is great. but on the flip side is that I am eating loads of typically healthy food but in big portions and more often.
Me and my Mum went biking around Portland today at the last minute and I didn't have much time to prepare food but made some healthy lunches for us (salad with some cheddar cheese, veggie bites that needed to be eaten, pears, apple, nuts and seeds, carrot, tea with soy milk in a flask), but when we came to stop and eat I was starving and ate more than my half. When I got home, stuffed my self with more healthy food and even though I was full, I needed a bowl of cereal! I'm following the clean eating diet and so normally eat 6 small meals a day with protein and complex carbs at each sitting but I've been insatiable these last few days.
Another thing that annoys me is that I've staying with my Mum and while I love being around her, she tends to make me feel bad for exercising and saying no to treats. If I say no, she feels bad for eating it and I end up feeling guilty! She's quite overweight but won't accept any help from me on losing weight. She will eat the same things as me and eat more nutritious food but also have extras like chocolate and fudge additionally. All I want is to just eat what I want, when I want and not feel guilty about it. I would love to just say I'm going to do some exercise now and not bad about it. Why does it have to be so contemplated!! I'm having laser eye surgery next week and been told to not exercise for 2 weeks so I need to keep my eating habits as clean as possible and within limit now so I don't gain extra weight later on.
I need to get some balance = I've been overthinking and worrying about how much I eat and what I'm eating. I'm trying my best but am struggling. I know that perfectionism is the quickest way to unhappiness but it's not easy to fully accept this when I expect so much from myself. I need to start meditating more, it should help me calm down I think!
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