Friday, August 15, 2014
Yesterday Robin Williams committed suicide. He had no doubt felt as the rest of us who have tried this,,, "The world would be so much off without me." And its an "honest" but, mislead feeling at the time.
That is exactly how I had felt,,,, I had tried way more than once, two or 3 times. Ending up on the ICU more than once,,,,, there was one time,,,,it was for 3 days in a coma. My family/friends came in,,,, to support me, all I could see was "I failed",,,, their words of love,,,, I couldn't comprehend ,,,, they said it,, they hugged me,, and cried,,,, I just did not get it.
I was though at that same time,,,, dual diagnosed ,,, as was Robin Williams,, with me, it was alcohol and severe depression. I kept saying it over and over again "I hurt to much". My Mom had passed away,,, I found life very, very hard to go on without her,, and her love/guidance. She had known since I was 12,,,, my first "attempt" as it was,,, a cry for help, and at ONCE got me into therapy. The therapist though,,, and at that time (the 70s) didn't know what to do with "a child of 12" as she told me,, so we played games,,, and talked. The only thing that came out of that,, is that I ws dressing wrong,, compared to most of the kids. Though I lived in a rich area,,,, we had 8 kids,, and my Mom believed strongly in "you can spend $$$ on necessary things, but NOT on clothing." so of course the kids made fun of my "funny clothing". The therapist taught me,, to really look around,, (I am very non observant to ths day !) and see how the others were dressed,,, acted. I did so,,, and at that point,,,,, we were going into Jr High,, and I was sooo fortunate in that in that yr,,,, the school disctrict had redirected the area I lived in for the 7th graders and only,, to another district,, would mean going to school "in the city" something that FRIGHTENED our parents,,, i looked forward to it !!!! I had told my Mom,,,, I WOULD Choose out my clothing,, NOT HER. It was worked out,,,, I looked GREAT !!! The kids in the new area/new school,,,, based foolishly as kids do,,,, liked me right off for I was from the "rich area". My life thanks to that therapist went from being made very fun of,, to being popular,, which continued thru all the school yrs.
That hurt underneath though, did remain.
In the yr my Mom died,,, I was in a life changing car accident,,,, ending up in needing to leave a job I loved,,,,,, and I lost my luxury apt,,, which of course I ADORED and was SO PROUD of. I was also unfortunatly on a trip ,, and raped. That all happened from Oct thru May. It was just to much. I went far into despair. No one could reach me outta my friends,, most who had loved me as being very funny,,, seeing me severely depressed,, simply walked away,,, only a few TRUE triends stayed.
That depression lasted,, and lasted,,, I was in therapy with an excellent therapist,,, she helped me out so much. What it had though mostly turned to be,,, ,,,, my whole family suffers from being bipolar,,,, we can trace it back in my Dads side of the fam,,,, to my great, great grandmother. Its rare in the family line to NOT have it. I am no exception. BUT ! Once my Dad told me this,,,, and to my brothers who were silently suffering once this became known,,, would also seek help,,,,,, its about time we had knew,,,,,, its a chemical imbalance. Now if you know someone who's biploar,,, it can certainly have its extremes !! I had a Dr who was very good,,, I had heard of an MAOI,,, did the research on the puter,,, saw if I were to take it,,,,, it causes bad reactions if you eat wrong,,,, and that list is full of normal daily foods,, all cheeses excapt for processed (Such as american cheese),,,, most spicy meats (pepperoni, saugages) and bacon,,,, the list goes on and on. I RAN to the Dr's office to say "All the SSRI's you have me on,,, s NOT working, I want to try to try the MAOI". We went back and forth,,,, decided I could try it,, as long as I wrote in "Jehovah's name" for he knew if I swore to God I would NOT eat anything wrong,, to die,,, I would NOT go against it,, and suicide out by eating wrong foods' Within 3 days,,, I started to feel sooo much better,,,, like I did as a happy teen (well I was happy away from home) I had been. Within 3 weeks,,, felt "cured " and clearly the happiness was back.
In 2000 I was hospitalized (The MAOI Came along in 02),,,,, for alochol abuse,,,, I dead drop drunk,,,, again in the ICU for I had posioned myself. They than when I recovered enough,, put me onto detox,,,, it did no good. I kept on drinking,,,, I did again again to the danger point,,,,, again to ICU/Detox,, this time,, they would NOT send me home,,, there were no openings to a rehab,,,, so they locked me up in a mental hospital,,,, an elder from my cong came in,,, with my therapist,,,, he said "Diane, if you continue to drink,,,, (And this is what STOPPED Me,, NOT his words,,,,, but, he had a tear in his eye,, and it was tricking down,,,,, if I was hurting him,, whom I had grown up with,, what I doing to Jehovah (Gods name)"? I KNEW I HAD to STOP at ONCE,,, so I agreed to a 30 day rehab. I was AMUSED how many drugs are READILY available in the rehab !! Though they do a "room check" on ur personal things,,, they were NOT checkin the area's of the place,,, they WERE IN,,, and that's where those who were NOT serious put them. But, I WAS serious, though I HATED AA,,,, a bunch of OLD MEN to me,,, standing up there,,, saying "I haven't had a drink in 50 YRS !! But, I could walk out the door right now and have one"!!! I hated that,, to me it was BS that they said it,,, though I also knew it was TRUE. I wanted to hear things from YOUNG people as I was,,, not from an old goat,, who reminded of my step father ! So I went to NA,,,, since I had also been abusing prescr meds,,, and it HELPED. I saw myself for the first time,,, trying to run away thru all I was doing,, but seeing I just could NOT,, it was a temporary numbing,, when you come back around,, everything is still there.
I wish someone had seen/helped Robin Williams to reach the point I am at today. And ALL the UNKNOWN Ones,,,, who's families cry on a daily basis (Their friends/work mates etc) . If you are one who has this "Secret feeling" PLZ REACH OUT and be HONEST. There is CLEARLY help available,,, it does take work,, hard work,,,,, but face it please,,, and food is ALSO an adiction,,, and if you are a diabetic,, or one who thinks "A bypass will cure me" you DO need the help to get thru the emotions,,, that which makes us eat when upset. It CAN be done,,, we read the blogs of those who have on a regular basis,,, if those blogs sound like "a dream" and not as a reality that YOU CAN ALSO DO SO,,, PLz open up to ur Dr ,, and get the help you need. Dieting,, drinking,,,, suicidal thoughts,, are all VERY HARD work,,, and PLz if ur considering suicide call ur local help line,,,,, I had done so,,,,, they sent someone to my home,, to talk to me,,, on a one to one,,,,,, than did a follow up for a month (That was my option) and believe me,, it helped me to progress that much faster,,, its NOT WRONG,, and though you "may" lose those FAKE Friends,, and some MAY talk about you behind ur back,,,,, one did so with me,, from my congregation,, thought ShE was the EXPERT cos she had "read about depression" but, reading,, and going thru it are two diff things,,, yrs down the road,,, she came up to me,, took me very aside,,, started to cry,,,,, (she had so talked badly about me to EVERYONE) and said "I owe you such a deep apology. I had JUDGED YOU without knowing what it fet like. I am now in a deep depression, i can't see my way out,, this is the worse feeling I've ever known. I AM SO SORRY Diane,, SO SORRY(as she SOBBED HARD )". I simply reached over to her "Its OK,,,, name,,,,, I realized than and now you didn't know any better,,,, I can how it scared you,,,, and I am so sorry ur also going thru it. Call me ANY TIME, I am here for you." she knew of course at that time,, I had forgiven her,,, I had not any ways held it against her. But she NEEDED to hear those words,,,,,,, she did. Now she's getting help.
Again if you are depressed,, GET HELP PLZ and be VERY HONEST with ur therapist,, the worse that can happen, is U end up in a hospital for help (I did MANY times). They do help,,,,, if you work with them.
Its been now since 02,, that I've felt depressed,,,, i am So GRATEFUL for ALL the help I had recieved. I had also gone thru with my therapist,, the over eating,,,, which I did so much of after the alchol,,,, its one trade for another she said,,, we worked more into the feelings,, what my triggers are,, and I do know them now. i am NOT perfect,, while I do not /hopefully will not ,, drink again,,,,, and I DO feel SO much better on the MAOI ,,,,, I feel real again,, can easily laugh,, have back my confidence,,,, I am also human,,,, as noted in my blog the other day when it hit me about my Dad dying,,, and my foot,,, it seemed so much "For that day" that I did pig out,,,, I knew better, but yet, I easily realize I am NOT perfect,,,, and figured out that day which I allowed myself to feel the way I was,,, if it were to be the same the next day,, I'd paint out my feelings,,,,,,, and I WILL do so when Dad does totally pass on. I am not perfect, but I HAVE learned.
I am so much better off now. If you aren't plz again, get the needed help. I wish all had.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
TY for those who read yesterdays blog,,,,, it had to do with my Dad,,, he's sooo slowly passing away. Of course my heart is very sad,,,,, I am his "Little Girl" LOL no matter what size I am ! I will clearly miss him. Tonight he asked "how are you"? And than "I love you hon" which was all he could get out,,, his breathing is so bad at this point. I wish with all my heart,,, he'd just go to sleep,,,, I know I'll see him back on the Earth in time. And than he will NOT hurt any longer,,, or ever be sick again,, we can all enjoy eternal life in a paradise as we were orignally created to do. See JW.org if interested,,,, for this is NOT a site for me to preach,, and I refuse to ,,, though I will answer any ?s in an email. This is though,, why I am holding up as well as I am ,,,, as you know if you read my blog yesterday,, it had hit me,, he'll be leaving,, and instead of my usual 1500 cals,,, I did OVER 3500 !! This is the "good news:" for as i stepped on the scale this AM,, and I am QUICK to show any changes,,,, LOL It didnt go UP !!! It even went DOWN 1 lb. We shall see what Fri brings,,, thanks all for NOT chewing me out for this,,,, I needed to do something,,,, and today I knew if I were feeling the same,,, HAD I OF HAD the time (I DID NOT) I was going to take out my art work,, my paints,,,, either water,, or acrylics and paint a pic of an angry storm. Instead I am so much better off today,, if I were to paint right now,, it'd be a britllant sunset,,, I've been meaning to do that pic,, you would of thought I was in recovery for 8 weeks,, I would of done so than, but yeah,,, I was to busy ! LOL !11 THANKS y9ou ALL my friends who called,,, and the local friends, fam who stopped by.
So what it is "ITs TRUE"???? Well YES I DO have an infection. I had kinda known that,, it was gross looking. I didn't know who to call,, my surgeon I found out,, is off not for 1 week, but 2 !! So I called my regular foot Dr,,, I am kinda glad I did. She can now take xrays,, and it pops UP at once on the puter,,, in front of me,, so she can explain it all out. It was sooooo cool !! It looks as if the screw they just put in,,, isnt in the correct position???? BUt I also had a boney area there b4 the surg,,, so I asked her if it could be that sticking up,,, she is quite sure it's the screw. I have an appt with the surgeons office tomorrow,, they of course though they can bring UP her xrays,, will take their own. she also started me on an amtibiotic,,, they are soo hard on ur stomach,, and system,, as they clean you out. (LOL LITERALLY !).
So I await til tomorrow,, to see if it is the screw or not,,,, if so no doubt he'll have go back in, or anotyher Dr there will. If it's not the screw,, soemthing will still need to be done.
Also I did find out,,, I am in the current air cast,, NOT for ONE week, but for FIVE WEEKS !!! that'll make it 13 weeks in casts since this started in June. I do not any longer,, nind it,,, guess once you've been in one long enough,,,,, you do get used to it.
TY very much for ALL the SUPPORT !! It's more appreicated than I can possilbly say !
Monday, August 11, 2014
Its just not a "fun" day,,, and I am not in my usual good mood,,,,,
My Dad is soooo ever slowly passing away,,,,,, and that hurts. Why does it have to be so hard for him? Hard on us watching him. He's to pass away any day. If ur a regular regular reader,, you know that my Dad and I have always been very close. I've always been "Daddy's Little Girl" though out my entire ,life,, no matter what my changing circumstances have been. I love ya Dad !!! I wish he could just quicly go, and not hurt so much.
Also today,,, I looked at my foot,, it has a "burning" feeling,,, when I took off my sock,, I saw what I saw yesterday only worse,,, a possible infection. Right near the surgery area,,,,, about 1/4 of an inch away. Its now starting to go towards the surgery area,,,,, of COURSe my surgeon is NOT here,, he's on vacation,,, but, thankfully my regular Foot Dr will be in tomorrow,, I have an appt with her,,, lets HOPE it's NOT infected,, and that its just a strange thing happening.
Last week,, I was sooo behaving with my eating in my range,,,, I have been for quite some time,, or below it. Today I said "THE HECK WITH ThiS " !!! NO DOUBT it's all emotional eating. Since on SPARKS it's a "LIFESTYLE" change,,, we are entitled to of course,, feel emotions,, and normally i would not break down,, and WICKED over eat,,, I hope this is my only,,, entitlement day. Tomorrow I'll restart over,,,, it's not a BAD thing to do,,,, would be very discouraging if it were to continue, but I have control over that. I AM though today,,, extremely over,,, about 3.000 cals ! YO !! that's more than TWICE the amount I normally eat,, and SO SORRY Dawggies,,,,,, I thought I'd be under on sodium, but I am not.
Also not sure my Dr wants me up and walking,, I need to check tomorrow,, and yesterday I WAY OVER DiD the exercising,, doing 90 mins,, when with my foot I've been doing 40ish,, so today I need to take a break. I hardly ever do,,, i do NOT feel bad about this,, I am nursing my emtions and the pain i am physically in. That of course is NOT a bad thing.
I hope others day is much better. This too shall pass,, and on Sat I had gone UP 2 lbs,,with behaving,,, why keep this up? I am CONSTANTLY between an UP of 223,, down to 200 and BACK UP again,,, it's a battle I'll fight,,, and keep on doing,, the back and forth,, for if I do NOT,,, I'd soon be back up to near the 300 I was. I do NOT want that, but I wish my body would behave,, it never will.
Friday, August 08, 2014
Well today turned out be a SURPRISING Day !!
I had been this for 2 weeks now:
And 2 weeks b4 the orange one I was in:
I had surgery on June 16th to correct a toe which was turned outward,,,, by about 75% and it HURT like MAD to walk on. The pic I cant find was for the first 2 weeks,,, b4 the yellow cast,, it was all bandages wrapped around a plaster cast that went 3/4 of the way around my leg,,,,, it didnt close, cos at first you have a LOT of swelling,, and it needs to go down,, which it did for the yellow one to be put on.
So yes,,, 2 in bandages cast,, 2 in yellow cast,, and almost 3 in orange cast,,, so today I was soooo excited on the way to the Dr's office,, for them to cut off the orange one (Feels very funky,,, like a slight tickle) to go into my shoes !! WOOHOOO and REAL Stocking on that foot.
Imagine how SURPRISED I was when ThIS happened instead:
WOW ! I had NO CLUE I wasn't going into a regular shoe.
It's JUST AS WELL too, for tonight,, I took off the air cast,, to take a shower (can take it off for a shower,, or at bedtime ! YEAH ) when I realized,, my leg which hasnt been used now in 7 weeks,, is very weak,, and does NOT want to hold me up !! Plus I am having to relearn how to walk,,, they were starting to teach me today,,,, it's heal to toe,, heal to toe,, with my newly fixed foot,, to go out straight in front of me,, and not to the side,, as I've been walking for years,,,, I also had the Achilles tendon fixed,, so I CAN put my foot in the correct position,,, the tendon had been shortened due to improper walking. This all hurts quite a bit,, and it's SUPPOSED to,,, i was told today "Walk til you hurt, than walk another 10 minutes". So I WILL !!! I had started doing some today,,, for those of you on my friends feed,, you saw this,, and yes,,, unlike where it said "walking" in these weeks (Which was done with one foot,, pushing my knee scooter) it's NOW both feeties !! WOOHOOOO !!
the left foot now is VERY SHORT compared to the other foot. One is a size 8 1/2 the surg foot,, is now a 6 or even a 5. I can wear a large slipper on the good foot, but easily fit now into a SMALL slipper size on the surg foot. it's pretty funny looking.
I showed the Dr where the toe is turning outward,, ,, the pain I have,, I did a blog on it Fri or Sat,,,, I was in such a PANIC. He said that the part he did looks "Excellent". He had ,, and I had this wrong,, ONLY the first 2 parts of the toe with plants and Screws to fuse the foot,, and didn't do the end of the toe,,, that's the part that now it can be seen,, is continuing to turn. He said to not worry about it,, since it's just the tip of the toe,, from the first bone down,,, cos on the XRays,, the rest of it,, where he did the surg,, looks GREAT !
THANKS TO ALL For the GREAT SUPPORT during this !! And to the SUD team,,, i am so sorry,, though I will be walking more,,, I am restricted from swimming,, until I see the Dr in mid September,, which will HOPEFULLY for us at some point of the FALL challenge. I wanted to do 120 mins again for the FALL challenge,,, with maybe 2 days reduced.
I SUDDENLY this week went UP 3 or 4 lbs ,,, I think it was the great increase of the fiber,, so I've cut backi down to my regular eating,, and HOPEFULLY it'll go back down for next week,,, I will now be SHORT of making the 5% goal, but yet,, I AM Losing,, and my personal goal is to lose 2 lbs a month,, and I AM DOING THAT !! WOOHOOO My Dr will be soo pleased,, which is nice, but MORE SO I am PROUD ! I HOPE by the end of Dec,, with me now at about 211ish,, be down to 203 !! than in Feb to make onderland ! A GAL CAN DREAM !!
I have it all written out for next yr,, of where I wanna be.
ThANKS AGAIN For ALL the tremdous support,, I also can not yet return to my normal activity of yoga,, though I CAN Start to do the parts of sitting down on the couch ! WOOHOOOO !!! I just can't fold my legs yet, but there are some for sitting with feet on the ground,, YEAH !!!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
As so many of you already know,, I had the surgery in June,, to straighten out my big left foot toe,,,,,,, and have since then been in 3 casts,,, with the last one now on,, for another week.
I noticed last night,,, that FOOLISH/ROTTEN toe is already turning sideways AGAIN !! MAN OH MAN !! its IN the cast !! I kinda wanted to call the Dr, and RUSH ON IN today, but he's not in again til tues,, and the cast comes off any ways on Fri,, so of course,, I'll wait.
I HOPE I am just PANICING Slightly For NOTHING !! that its FINE,, and that it just "looks" it while it's not. If it didn't work,,, as we know,,, it'll mean the toe will be amputated,, I'd so much rather have the whole foot gone,,,, than I could get a fake foot in time,,, and have a sense of balance,,, without that toe,,, I know it'll be harder,, so much harder,, esp since the toe next to it,, has already been partly amputated a few yrs ago,, to walk.
We shall see,,,, I will be something I AM not !!! PATIENCE !!! LOL I am usually FAR FROM that !!! but, in this case,, I have no choice,,, I will do my BeST to NOT worry,, for maybe it "looks like it's going sideways" cos of the way it's placed in the cast,, though last week,, when I saw it,, it was straight, and nice looking even when it went back into one.
Why borrow trouble before it is? In a way,, its also a "pre coping ' thing,, just in case,, ,but, I had prepared as much as I could before the surg,, with MAKING myself getting up as much as I could from the floor (yoga,, which I WilL continue to do !) ,, by using my good foot,, to push off from than just my left heel to get up.
Lets HOPE I am being PARANOID !!!
Today I got a SUB !! Ate a part of it for lunch,, will now and eat the 2nd half for supper,, and YES,,, I HATe to ADMIT this, but it's FULL of veggies !! OH MY !! Maybe I am losing my MIND??? LOL !
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