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I once felt life was not worth it,,,,,,,

Friday, August 15, 2014

Yesterday Robin Williams committed suicide. He had no doubt felt as the rest of us who have tried this,,, "The world would be so much off without me." And its an "honest" but, mislead feeling at the time.

That is exactly how I had felt,,,, I had tried way more than once, two or 3 times. Ending up on the ICU more than once,,,,, there was one time,,,,it was for 3 days in a coma. My family/friends came in,,,, to support me, all I could see was "I failed",,,, their words of love,,,, I couldn't comprehend ,,,, they said it,, they hugged me,, and cried,,,, I just did not get it.

I was though at that same time,,,, dual diagnosed ,,, as was Robin Williams,, with me, it was alcohol and severe depression. I kept saying it over and over again "I hurt to much". My Mom had passed away,,, I found life very, very hard to go on without her,, and her love/guidance. She had known since I was 12,,,, my first "attempt" as it was,,, a cry for help, and at ONCE got me into therapy. The therapist though,,, and at that time (the 70s) didn't know what to do with "a child of 12" as she told me,, so we played games,,, and talked. The only thing that came out of that,, is that I ws dressing wrong,, compared to most of the kids. Though I lived in a rich area,,,, we had 8 kids,, and my Mom believed strongly in "you can spend $$$ on necessary things, but NOT on clothing." so of course the kids made fun of my "funny clothing". The therapist taught me,, to really look around,, (I am very non observant to ths day !) and see how the others were dressed,,, acted. I did so,,, and at that point,,,,, we were going into Jr High,, and I was sooo fortunate in that in that yr,,,, the school disctrict had redirected the area I lived in for the 7th graders and only,, to another district,, would mean going to school "in the city" something that FRIGHTENED our parents,,, i looked forward to it !!!! I had told my Mom,,,, I WOULD Choose out my clothing,, NOT HER. It was worked out,,,, I looked GREAT !!! The kids in the new area/new school,,,, based foolishly as kids do,,,, liked me right off for I was from the "rich area". My life thanks to that therapist went from being made very fun of,, to being popular,, which continued thru all the school yrs.

That hurt underneath though, did remain.

In the yr my Mom died,,, I was in a life changing car accident,,,, ending up in needing to leave a job I loved,,,,,, and I lost my luxury apt,,, which of course I ADORED and was SO PROUD of. I was also unfortunatly on a trip ,, and raped. That all happened from Oct thru May. It was just to much. I went far into despair. No one could reach me outta my friends,, most who had loved me as being very funny,,, seeing me severely depressed,, simply walked away,,, only a few TRUE triends stayed.

That depression lasted,, and lasted,,, I was in therapy with an excellent therapist,,, she helped me out so much. What it had though mostly turned to be,,, ,,,, my whole family suffers from being bipolar,,,, we can trace it back in my Dads side of the fam,,,, to my great, great grandmother. Its rare in the family line to NOT have it. I am no exception. BUT ! Once my Dad told me this,,,, and to my brothers who were silently suffering once this became known,,, would also seek help,,,,,, its about time we had knew,,,,,, its a chemical imbalance. Now if you know someone who's biploar,,, it can certainly have its extremes !! I had a Dr who was very good,,, I had heard of an MAOI,,, did the research on the puter,,, saw if I were to take it,,,,, it causes bad reactions if you eat wrong,,,, and that list is full of normal daily foods,, all cheeses excapt for processed (Such as american cheese),,,, most spicy meats (pepperoni, saugages) and bacon,,,, the list goes on and on. I RAN to the Dr's office to say "All the SSRI's you have me on,,, s NOT working, I want to try to try the MAOI". We went back and forth,,,, decided I could try it,, as long as I wrote in "Jehovah's name" for he knew if I swore to God I would NOT eat anything wrong,, to die,,, I would NOT go against it,, and suicide out by eating wrong foods' Within 3 days,,, I started to feel sooo much better,,,, like I did as a happy teen (well I was happy away from home) I had been. Within 3 weeks,,, felt "cured " and clearly the happiness was back.

In 2000 I was hospitalized (The MAOI Came along in 02),,,,, for alochol abuse,,,, I dead drop drunk,,,, again in the ICU for I had posioned myself. They than when I recovered enough,, put me onto detox,,,, it did no good. I kept on drinking,,,, I did again again to the danger point,,,,, again to ICU/Detox,, this time,, they would NOT send me home,,, there were no openings to a rehab,,,, so they locked me up in a mental hospital,,,, an elder from my cong came in,,, with my therapist,,,, he said "Diane, if you continue to drink,,,, (And this is what STOPPED Me,, NOT his words,,,,, but, he had a tear in his eye,, and it was tricking down,,,,, if I was hurting him,, whom I had grown up with,, what I doing to Jehovah (Gods name)"? I KNEW I HAD to STOP at ONCE,,, so I agreed to a 30 day rehab. I was AMUSED how many drugs are READILY available in the rehab !! Though they do a "room check" on ur personal things,,, they were NOT checkin the area's of the place,,, they WERE IN,,, and that's where those who were NOT serious put them. But, I WAS serious, though I HATED AA,,,, a bunch of OLD MEN to me,,, standing up there,,, saying "I haven't had a drink in 50 YRS !! But, I could walk out the door right now and have one"!!! I hated that,, to me it was BS that they said it,,, though I also knew it was TRUE. I wanted to hear things from YOUNG people as I was,,, not from an old goat,, who reminded of my step father ! So I went to NA,,,, since I had also been abusing prescr meds,,, and it HELPED. I saw myself for the first time,,, trying to run away thru all I was doing,, but seeing I just could NOT,, it was a temporary numbing,, when you come back around,, everything is still there.

I wish someone had seen/helped Robin Williams to reach the point I am at today. And ALL the UNKNOWN Ones,,,, who's families cry on a daily basis (Their friends/work mates etc) . If you are one who has this "Secret feeling" PLZ REACH OUT and be HONEST. There is CLEARLY help available,,, it does take work,, hard work,,,,, but face it please,,, and food is ALSO an adiction,,, and if you are a diabetic,, or one who thinks "A bypass will cure me" you DO need the help to get thru the emotions,,, that which makes us eat when upset. It CAN be done,,, we read the blogs of those who have on a regular basis,,, if those blogs sound like "a dream" and not as a reality that YOU CAN ALSO DO SO,,, PLz open up to ur Dr ,, and get the help you need. Dieting,, drinking,,,, suicidal thoughts,, are all VERY HARD work,,, and PLz if ur considering suicide call ur local help line,,,,, I had done so,,,,, they sent someone to my home,, to talk to me,,, on a one to one,,,,,, than did a follow up for a month (That was my option) and believe me,, it helped me to progress that much faster,,, its NOT WRONG,, and though you "may" lose those FAKE Friends,, and some MAY talk about you behind ur back,,,,, one did so with me,, from my congregation,, thought ShE was the EXPERT cos she had "read about depression" but, reading,, and going thru it are two diff things,,, yrs down the road,,, she came up to me,, took me very aside,,, started to cry,,,,, (she had so talked badly about me to EVERYONE) and said "I owe you such a deep apology. I had JUDGED YOU without knowing what it fet like. I am now in a deep depression, i can't see my way out,, this is the worse feeling I've ever known. I AM SO SORRY Diane,, SO SORRY(as she SOBBED HARD )". I simply reached over to her "Its OK,,,, name,,,,, I realized than and now you didn't know any better,,,, I can how it scared you,,,, and I am so sorry ur also going thru it. Call me ANY TIME, I am here for you." she knew of course at that time,, I had forgiven her,,, I had not any ways held it against her. But she NEEDED to hear those words,,,,,,, she did. Now she's getting help.

Again if you are depressed,, GET HELP PLZ and be VERY HONEST with ur therapist,, the worse that can happen, is U end up in a hospital for help (I did MANY times). They do help,,,,, if you work with them.

Its been now since 02,, that I've felt depressed,,,, i am So GRATEFUL for ALL the help I had recieved. I had also gone thru with my therapist,, the over eating,,,, which I did so much of after the alchol,,,, its one trade for another she said,,, we worked more into the feelings,, what my triggers are,, and I do know them now. i am NOT perfect,, while I do not /hopefully will not ,, drink again,,,,, and I DO feel SO much better on the MAOI ,,,,, I feel real again,, can easily laugh,, have back my confidence,,,, I am also human,,,, as noted in my blog the other day when it hit me about my Dad dying,,, and my foot,,, it seemed so much "For that day" that I did pig out,,,, I knew better, but yet, I easily realize I am NOT perfect,,,, and figured out that day which I allowed myself to feel the way I was,,, if it were to be the same the next day,, I'd paint out my feelings,,,,,,, and I WILL do so when Dad does totally pass on. I am not perfect, but I HAVE learned.

I am so much better off now. If you aren't plz again, get the needed help. I wish all had.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IRON_RESOLVE 8/16/2014 5:46PM

    Diane, thanks for sharing your story. Not everyone can put into words, what they have been through, and so you are helping many, just by blogging your story
The best part about recovery, from depression or any substance abuse, is being able to stand in your own truth, say what happened, what contributed to it, and how you got to the other side. Even better, is to know that you can look back and see the suffering for what it was, and move forward now in peace, knowing this past stage is all behind you.
Life is unpredictable. We never know what we are to be faced with, What deeply affects some, doesn't even phase on others.
Robin Williams suicide has brought a lot of reflection on depression, and bi-polar conditions, and that is a good and positive thing,
I wish kids were taught Happy Ending 101 in First Grade. So they would learn obstacles occur. spirit and perseverance and determination can come into play and help us become over comers. Well, at least , we have SPARKPEOPLE, and all of the support the people. coaches, participants, videos and articles have to offer as a help to get through so many of life's frustrations. Whether food, emotional, situationaly inflicted. Everyone here is offering some form of assitance to another, through support of friendship, writing blogs, encouraging words, and a pat on the back and hand holding through the tough stuff.
I consider you my friend here, and I am glad we have met. Your single handed remarks of encouragement helped me to lose 21pounds since March when we met here on our 5% Spring Weight Loss Challenge.
Thank you, for the difference you have made to my life

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KITTY_M 8/16/2014 12:32PM

  You've been through so much and you seem like such a happy upbeat person that no one would guess how much. I'm so glad that people around you were there to help you get away from the edge. So often people don't notice how bad it's gotten for someone until it's too late. You've been a wonderful friend to me and I hope that you feel I am one to you.

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IOWAGRAMMA 8/16/2014 10:21AM

    Diane, I am so sorry for all you've had to experience and go through over the years, but so very grateful that you have come out the "other side" so to speak. You are a wonderful example of what happens when you don't give up, but do keep pushing and seeking help and support! It is very sad about Robin Williams. We'll never know what he was thinking or why he did what he did, but in the end, as you said...seeking help for the rest of us is the lesson we can all take from that. Thank you for sharing from deep down in your heart! Hugs, Jeannie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHERIRIDDELL 8/16/2014 2:02AM

    You have been through so much .I am so glad you got help..It is a shame Robin Williams could not .

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DBEAU57 8/15/2014 11:45PM

    My dear friend! You point out so well something I read the other day in a Prevention magazine from last year. It was an article about true gratitude. One of the ways it said to achieve this is to look at all the bad things that have happened to you in your life and to think how your life might have turned out if you hadn't gone through them. Every experience is a chance to learn and grow and for that we can feel gratitude. I sure don't feel gratitude for things that happened in my life, but when I think how my life might have been if I had not been turned away by the bad stuff.....that is a scary thought! So I am grateful for it happening so that I could go in a different direction. And you did, too.
emoticon emoticon

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LIFENPROGRESS 8/15/2014 5:49PM

    emoticon “The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”
~ Michel de Montaigne ~

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HELEN_BRU 8/15/2014 5:48PM

    I had no idea, Diane, the extent of it all. Look how far you've come. And there are still much better things in store for you, I'm sure. Thanks for helping me to understand. We're all here whenever you need us for whatever reason. emoticon

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    Wow - you have been through so much but I'm glad you are in a better place now and thanks for advising those who need it to get help

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Oh my !! its True ! But, also some good news !

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

TY for those who read yesterdays blog,,,,, it had to do with my Dad,,, he's sooo slowly passing away. Of course my heart is very sad,,,,, I am his "Little Girl" LOL no matter what size I am ! I will clearly miss him. Tonight he asked "how are you"? And than "I love you hon" which was all he could get out,,, his breathing is so bad at this point. I wish with all my heart,,, he'd just go to sleep,,,, I know I'll see him back on the Earth in time. And than he will NOT hurt any longer,,, or ever be sick again,, we can all enjoy eternal life in a paradise as we were orignally created to do. See JW.org if interested,,,, for this is NOT a site for me to preach,, and I refuse to ,,, though I will answer any ?s in an email. This is though,, why I am holding up as well as I am ,,,, as you know if you read my blog yesterday,, it had hit me,, he'll be leaving,, and instead of my usual 1500 cals,,, I did OVER 3500 !! This is the "good news:" for as i stepped on the scale this AM,, and I am QUICK to show any changes,,,, LOL It didnt go UP !!! It even went DOWN 1 lb. We shall see what Fri brings,,, thanks all for NOT chewing me out for this,,,, I needed to do something,,,, and today I knew if I were feeling the same,,, HAD I OF HAD the time (I DID NOT) I was going to take out my art work,, my paints,,,, either water,, or acrylics and paint a pic of an angry storm. Instead I am so much better off today,, if I were to paint right now,, it'd be a britllant sunset,,, I've been meaning to do that pic,, you would of thought I was in recovery for 8 weeks,, I would of done so than, but yeah,,, I was to busy ! LOL !11 THANKS y9ou ALL my friends who called,,, and the local friends, fam who stopped by.

So what it is "ITs TRUE"???? Well YES I DO have an infection. I had kinda known that,, it was gross looking. I didn't know who to call,, my surgeon I found out,, is off not for 1 week, but 2 !! So I called my regular foot Dr,,, I am kinda glad I did. She can now take xrays,, and it pops UP at once on the puter,,, in front of me,, so she can explain it all out. It was sooooo cool !! It looks as if the screw they just put in,,, isnt in the correct position???? BUt I also had a boney area there b4 the surg,,, so I asked her if it could be that sticking up,,, she is quite sure it's the screw. I have an appt with the surgeons office tomorrow,, they of course though they can bring UP her xrays,, will take their own. she also started me on an amtibiotic,,, they are soo hard on ur stomach,, and system,, as they clean you out. (LOL LITERALLY !).

So I await til tomorrow,, to see if it is the screw or not,,,, if so no doubt he'll have go back in, or anotyher Dr there will. If it's not the screw,, soemthing will still need to be done.

Also I did find out,,, I am in the current air cast,, NOT for ONE week, but for FIVE WEEKS !!! that'll make it 13 weeks in casts since this started in June. I do not any longer,, nind it,,, guess once you've been in one long enough,,,,, you do get used to it.

TY very much for ALL the SUPPORT !! It's more appreicated than I can possilbly say !

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANNY2B2 8/20/2014 6:53PM

    emoticonm emoticon

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IRON_RESOLVE 8/16/2014 5:49PM

    hugs Diane.

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    I would say, don't give the surgeon a piece of your mind - you really can't afford to be giving away any of your brain mass Diane!

All kidding aside, I am praying for you to get over the infection.

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DBEAU57 8/13/2014 9:10PM

    If that infection is caused by the screw, you need to give that surgeon a piece of your mind! Does he realize he could be sued over something like that?!

Okay, now that I've blown off my steam, I hope the pain goes away quickly now that you're on antibiotics. Remember to keep taking them until they are gone or it will come back. Take care of yourself, hon.

When I looked at your pictures, I thought of my teacher friend LaLinda. She had surgery on her foot last year and was in a cast with a rolling scooter to prop on while she taught school. Then she was in the boot, like you are now. Now she limps and her foot hurts still. She will go back to the doctor next week.

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IOWAGRAMMA 8/13/2014 1:42PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHERIRIDDELL 8/13/2014 1:34AM

    Oh Diane I am so sorry about the infection.Look after yourself you are in my thoughts and prayers.love and hugs,Cheri

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MSHEL7 8/12/2014 11:39PM

    Sorry you have an infection, hopefully you will be able to get over it soon. emoticon

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I'm/we are entitled to a bad day,,, today is mine

Monday, August 11, 2014

Its just not a "fun" day,,, and I am not in my usual good mood,,,,,

My Dad is soooo ever slowly passing away,,,,,, and that hurts. Why does it have to be so hard for him? Hard on us watching him. He's to pass away any day. If ur a regular regular reader,, you know that my Dad and I have always been very close. I've always been "Daddy's Little Girl" though out my entire ,life,, no matter what my changing circumstances have been. I love ya Dad !!! I wish he could just quicly go, and not hurt so much.

Also today,,, I looked at my foot,, it has a "burning" feeling,,, when I took off my sock,, I saw what I saw yesterday only worse,,, a possible infection. Right near the surgery area,,,,, about 1/4 of an inch away. Its now starting to go towards the surgery area,,,,, of COURSe my surgeon is NOT here,, he's on vacation,,, but, thankfully my regular Foot Dr will be in tomorrow,, I have an appt with her,,, lets HOPE it's NOT infected,, and that its just a strange thing happening.

Last week,, I was sooo behaving with my eating in my range,,,, I have been for quite some time,, or below it. Today I said "THE HECK WITH ThiS " !!! NO DOUBT it's all emotional eating. Since on SPARKS it's a "LIFESTYLE" change,,, we are entitled to of course,, feel emotions,, and normally i would not break down,, and WICKED over eat,,, I hope this is my only,,, entitlement day. Tomorrow I'll restart over,,,, it's not a BAD thing to do,,,, would be very discouraging if it were to continue, but I have control over that. I AM though today,,, extremely over,,, about 3.000 cals ! YO !! that's more than TWICE the amount I normally eat,, and SO SORRY Dawggies,,,,,, I thought I'd be under on sodium, but I am not.

Also not sure my Dr wants me up and walking,, I need to check tomorrow,, and yesterday I WAY OVER DiD the exercising,, doing 90 mins,, when with my foot I've been doing 40ish,, so today I need to take a break. I hardly ever do,,, i do NOT feel bad about this,, I am nursing my emtions and the pain i am physically in. That of course is NOT a bad thing.

I hope others day is much better. This too shall pass,, and on Sat I had gone UP 2 lbs,,with behaving,,, why keep this up? I am CONSTANTLY between an UP of 223,, down to 200 and BACK UP again,,, it's a battle I'll fight,,, and keep on doing,, the back and forth,, for if I do NOT,,, I'd soon be back up to near the 300 I was. I do NOT want that, but I wish my body would behave,, it never will.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANNY2B2 8/20/2014 6:54PM


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    I don't even usually have any reason for my "days" but we still are entitled to have them.

This is a "rest of your life" program and part of the rest of my life is enjoying the nutzo days too.

This too shall pass.

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DBEAU57 8/12/2014 9:45PM

    You're right, sweetie, everyone deserves an entitlement day. And I can only imagine the pain you're going through watching your dad waste away slowly. Especially with you two always being so close. With all that, plus the stress of your foot hurting and the stress of having yet another surgery, it's no surprise that your body is fighting itself! Something had to give! Don't beat yourself up. You've made the decision to improve tomorrow and that's what the lessons on SparkPeople are all about. Learning to pick ourselves back up and do better again. Give yourself a break during this time. Drink tea, relax, listen to soothing music, pet Izzy, anything else that you like to do that helps you feel better. And don't forget to give your pain to God.

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HELEN_BRU 8/12/2014 12:27PM

    Hope things are improving with your foot. Sorry about your dad. You don't need both to be worrying about right now.


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CHERIRIDDELL 8/11/2014 11:33PM

    I am so sorry Diane .Of course you are entitled to an off day,you have been blessed with a lovely Dad He knows you love him.You take care of you and keep us posted on that foot .I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed and saying my prayers you have no infection!

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PINKPANTHERS 8/11/2014 10:42PM

    Having lost my Dad suddenly when we thought he was getting better (he'd been in the hospital for over a month) five years ago I can understand the stress reaction. Be kind to yourself, and encourage yourself to handle things how you need to for the day. It is always hard for us Daddy's little girls to lose our heroes. emoticon

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STONE815 8/11/2014 9:42PM

    Do what you need to do and don't stress over it. I believe sometimes we just need a little break to help us get back on track. Sorry about your dad, I too was a Daddy's girl and I lost him 7 years ago and it was hard. One of my grandsons was born 3 weeks later and has my Dad's smile and a lot of his ways. Life is crazy some times.

I have had no motivation for the past few days and have no reason for it. But this to shall pass.

Take care of yourself. emoticon emoticon

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IOWAGRAMMA 8/11/2014 8:37PM

    Tough time for you right now. Sending you a Goodie!! Love, Jeannie

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JPHOLDEN 8/11/2014 8:03PM

    Stress does a lot to us - and watching a parent die is the one of the worst kinds of stress I can think of. Don't be hard on yourself, just take care of yourself and spend whatever time you can with your father in his final time. When life gets back to normal, you'll fall back into place with your eating.

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Update,, SURPRISE ! **I WAS**

Friday, August 08, 2014

Well today turned out be a SURPRISING Day !!

I had been this for 2 weeks now:

And 2 weeks b4 the orange one I was in:

I had surgery on June 16th to correct a toe which was turned outward,,,, by about 75% and it HURT like MAD to walk on. The pic I cant find was for the first 2 weeks,,, b4 the yellow cast,, it was all bandages wrapped around a plaster cast that went 3/4 of the way around my leg,,,,, it didnt close, cos at first you have a LOT of swelling,, and it needs to go down,, which it did for the yellow one to be put on.

So yes,,, 2 in bandages cast,, 2 in yellow cast,, and almost 3 in orange cast,,, so today I was soooo excited on the way to the Dr's office,, for them to cut off the orange one (Feels very funky,,, like a slight tickle) to go into my shoes !! WOOHOOO and REAL Stocking on that foot.

Imagine how SURPRISED I was when ThIS happened instead:

WOW ! I had NO CLUE I wasn't going into a regular shoe.

It's JUST AS WELL too, for tonight,, I took off the air cast,, to take a shower (can take it off for a shower,, or at bedtime ! YEAH ) when I realized,, my leg which hasnt been used now in 7 weeks,, is very weak,, and does NOT want to hold me up !! Plus I am having to relearn how to walk,,, they were starting to teach me today,,,, it's heal to toe,, heal to toe,, with my newly fixed foot,, to go out straight in front of me,, and not to the side,, as I've been walking for years,,,, I also had the Achilles tendon fixed,, so I CAN put my foot in the correct position,,, the tendon had been shortened due to improper walking. This all hurts quite a bit,, and it's SUPPOSED to,,, i was told today "Walk til you hurt, than walk another 10 minutes". So I WILL !!! I had started doing some today,,, for those of you on my friends feed,, you saw this,, and yes,,, unlike where it said "walking" in these weeks (Which was done with one foot,, pushing my knee scooter) it's NOW both feeties !! WOOHOOOO !!

the left foot now is VERY SHORT compared to the other foot. One is a size 8 1/2 the surg foot,, is now a 6 or even a 5. I can wear a large slipper on the good foot, but easily fit now into a SMALL slipper size on the surg foot. it's pretty funny looking.

I showed the Dr where the toe is turning outward,, ,, the pain I have,, I did a blog on it Fri or Sat,,,, I was in such a PANIC. He said that the part he did looks "Excellent". He had ,, and I had this wrong,, ONLY the first 2 parts of the toe with plants and Screws to fuse the foot,, and didn't do the end of the toe,,, that's the part that now it can be seen,, is continuing to turn. He said to not worry about it,, since it's just the tip of the toe,, from the first bone down,,, cos on the XRays,, the rest of it,, where he did the surg,, looks GREAT !

THANKS TO ALL For the GREAT SUPPORT during this !! And to the SUD team,,, i am so sorry,, though I will be walking more,,, I am restricted from swimming,, until I see the Dr in mid September,, which will HOPEFULLY for us at some point of the FALL challenge. I wanted to do 120 mins again for the FALL challenge,,, with maybe 2 days reduced.

I SUDDENLY this week went UP 3 or 4 lbs ,,, I think it was the great increase of the fiber,, so I've cut backi down to my regular eating,, and HOPEFULLY it'll go back down for next week,,, I will now be SHORT of making the 5% goal, but yet,, I AM Losing,, and my personal goal is to lose 2 lbs a month,, and I AM DOING THAT !! WOOHOOO My Dr will be soo pleased,, which is nice, but MORE SO I am PROUD ! I HOPE by the end of Dec,, with me now at about 211ish,, be down to 203 !! than in Feb to make onderland ! A GAL CAN DREAM !!
I have it all written out for next yr,, of where I wanna be.

ThANKS AGAIN For ALL the tremdous support,, I also can not yet return to my normal activity of yoga,, though I CAN Start to do the parts of sitting down on the couch ! WOOHOOOO !!! I just can't fold my legs yet, but there are some for sitting with feet on the ground,, YEAH !!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IRON_RESOLVE 8/16/2014 5:51PM

    Thanks for sharing all of this, especially loving the smiling picture of you!

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CBRINKLEY401 8/15/2014 12:10PM

    The boot looks just like the one I had. I'm in PT now and making progress. Went for a walk outside yesterday, even though I'm not exactly cleared to do so, except on the treadmill yet - just in case I reach my limit and am not close to home and get stuck. Too bad, I did it anyway. Though I was tired by the end, and it took lots longer than it used to, I think it actually helped, as my foot didn't swell up last night like it usually does (massaging it twice a day gets rid of that, fortunately).

Best of luck on relearning to walk. Isn't that such fun?!!

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IOWAGRAMMA 8/11/2014 9:48AM

    Sorry to see this so late, but I'm soooo happy for you, Diane!!! This is just awesome news! I know you're super pleased, too. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHERIRIDDELL 8/9/2014 12:51AM

    I am so glad things are looking up , this is awesome ! hugs,Cheri

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DBEAU57 8/8/2014 10:20PM

    Oh Diane! I am so absolutely over-the-top happy for you!!!! Hurray! The crutches and the surgical shoe are SUCH an improvement! Make sure you follow the doctor's orders so you can heal faster. My weight is doing funny things since I increased the fiber too. Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it goes down, sometimes it just sits there! My body seems to be adjusting though. And you need lots of water with that fiber too!


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AALLEY2 8/8/2014 9:08AM

    That is emoticon !

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MSHEL7 8/8/2014 8:42AM

    Great news!! I'm so glad that toe is not turning where they did the surgery!!

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WHITNEYLD 8/8/2014 8:05AM


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Getting kinda freaked out,, time will tell

Thursday, July 31, 2014

As so many of you already know,, I had the surgery in June,, to straighten out my big left foot toe,,,,,,, and have since then been in 3 casts,,, with the last one now on,, for another week.

I noticed last night,,, that FOOLISH/ROTTEN toe is already turning sideways AGAIN !! MAN OH MAN !! its IN the cast !! I kinda wanted to call the Dr, and RUSH ON IN today, but he's not in again til tues,, and the cast comes off any ways on Fri,, so of course,, I'll wait.

I HOPE I am just PANICING Slightly For NOTHING !! that its FINE,, and that it just "looks" it while it's not. If it didn't work,,, as we know,,, it'll mean the toe will be amputated,, I'd so much rather have the whole foot gone,,,, than I could get a fake foot in time,,, and have a sense of balance,,, without that toe,,, I know it'll be harder,, so much harder,, esp since the toe next to it,, has already been partly amputated a few yrs ago,, to walk.

We shall see,,,, I will be something I AM not !!! PATIENCE !!! LOL I am usually FAR FROM that !!! but, in this case,, I have no choice,,, I will do my BeST to NOT worry,, for maybe it "looks like it's going sideways" cos of the way it's placed in the cast,, though last week,, when I saw it,, it was straight, and nice looking even when it went back into one.

Why borrow trouble before it is? In a way,, its also a "pre coping ' thing,, just in case,, ,but, I had prepared as much as I could before the surg,, with MAKING myself getting up as much as I could from the floor (yoga,, which I WilL continue to do !) ,, by using my good foot,, to push off from than just my left heel to get up.

Lets HOPE I am being PARANOID !!!

Today I got a SUB !! Ate a part of it for lunch,, will now and eat the 2nd half for supper,, and YES,,, I HATe to ADMIT this, but it's FULL of veggies !! OH MY !! Maybe I am losing my MIND??? LOL !

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HELEN_BRU 8/3/2014 11:26AM

    I hope you are panicking for nothing about that toe. It could just be sensitive and healing. I hope, I hope, I hope! Did you check it out with your doctor?

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CBRINKLEY401 8/1/2014 10:19AM

    If you are worried, then I would call, just to ease your mind about it. Otherwise, it is going to be bothering you for another whole week.
I hope that all is well today and your toe is right where it should be.

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IOWAGRAMMA 8/1/2014 9:31AM

    Diane, I hear you about your toe. I tend to do the same kind of thing, and maybe it is "pre-coping" but that isn't necessarily all bad. I love hearing that you age veggies!!! Amazing and awesome...did you pick out which ones or did they just load it up for you? Thanks for commenting on my blog, Diane. Thankfully, there are never any teenyboppers or youngsters in the pool when we are and they do have a separate locker rooms for both boys and girls under the age of 18. Works for me!!! Good luck on the toe, sweetie!! Hugs, Jeannie

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EDENZMOM 8/1/2014 7:51AM

    Vegetables?! really? i knew you could do it!! Now the trick is to figure out what you like about the other foods... cold? crunch?
I find that I love crunchy foods, so cucumbers are the end all and be all for me.
how's your foot doing now? are you able to walk at all? still in a cast?
you're so inspirational that you're managing yoga workouts even though you're post-op. Amazing!!!!
i love hearing things like this. Keep them coming!!

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CHERIRIDDELL 8/1/2014 1:40AM

    Everything else has gone out of my mind .Did I read this correctly or am I hallucinating ? Diane is voluntarily eating freggies? April fool's day is past .Could it be we are having a positive influence on our beloved Alpha Doggie?

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