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How do you move PAST a FEAR of success?

Thursday, December 18, 2014

It's starting to happen again. I am near my year end goal. It was at first back when Feb was here,, to be 202/03. But, than I had surgery in June, by August I KNEW I was not healing well,,, and the road would be a long one,, with many bumps (Its Dec, it's holding thru of this) so in August I redid my goal to 209/10.

I had been up to 223 during the yr, now I am VERY CLOSE to that 210. It scares me, and yet, it EXCITES me. But, i've been here before. Tonight Maryann and I were talking,, for different reasons, we both get a near "ONLY a #" and we both FREAK OUT ! Her cos she doesn't know how to proceed with the next step (She was only 10 bls from her final goal, now she's struggling with health problems also, and has gone up). With me its a FEAR, but, I can't quite put my finger on it. I HAVE even gotten down to 181, than 174 ! And I TOTALLY BLEW IT ! I was NOT ready for those #'s OR the KIND comments I recieved. Yes, I DO like myself,, love myself even,,, the weight at this point (now that i've lost 77 lbs !) doesn't interceed with how I feel about myself.

Perhaps,,, i am judgmental about a friend. I KNOW she could be having the same success I am,,,, if she'd stop putting obsticles b4 her face, but she's not ready for this. I watched the Biggest Loser tonight,,, she feels as most of them did b4 they started this journey of which many are doing well/ satisfactory on,,,, that they had GIVEN UP On LIFE. It distubs me greatly she has,, but, i was there once.

Is this a part that? Where do I go from here,, mentally. I LOVE that I now know I am very worthwhile for living. It feels GREAT !!

Ahhhh as I sit here,, doing this blog,,,, I do feel so good about myself,,, is the 210 enough? I HAVE lost that 77lbs, but no one can say "210" is good enough. I WANT either 171, or when I reach that,,, 159, or down from there. I WANT to be out of the 200s,,, so how do I STOP ruining this for myself?

Does anyone else suffer from the FEAR of a #,, and the success it brings? How did you move beyond any negative thoughts to overcome a NUMBER???? My Mom and Dad both taught me,,, "YOU CAN DO WHAT you set ur MIND too" !!! So it hasn't do with any of that,, nor any negative remarks around weight growing up,, for until after the car accident,, and all the pain ,, near my 40s,,, I was only at 115 lbs all my life. My all time high was 288. I am SO PROUD to tell others, "I've LOST 77 LBS" !!! They are ALWAYS impressed,,,,It'd be FUN if I stop at 160 (which is very possible,,, depends on my body shape,,, how I feel physically,, I HAVE to say the Dr was WRONG,, that losing is NOT helping my back, but it DOES benefit my feeties !) fun to say,,, I've lost 128 lbs !! NO Dr at that point,, and as it is now,,, I NO LONGER hear "YOU NEED to LOSE WEIGHT" !!! Instead I hear "I wish ALL my patients would be like you". They know I am still fighting this "war" which CAN be won.

TY For reading.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUJUH51 12/21/2014 7:14AM

    Great blog! I can totally relate!!! Somehow I end up sabotaging my diet! Why????So frustrating. It's definitely time to get my head right and keep moving forward.

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NILLAPEPSI 12/19/2014 7:22AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JEB03253 12/19/2014 7:16AM

    I've been reading a lot about weight loss. The self-sabotage phenomenon is quite common when goals are within short reach. I've done it so many times. Apparently what it usually indicates is that you have not yet fully realized the difference between wanting to be thin and actually being thin.

Living with wanting to be thin can be all consuming. It not only causes one to put their life on hold, it gives an excuse for not fully living in the moment and provides a scapegoat for all things gone wrong. When you're overweight, it's easy to make excuses for why a given situation didn't go well. "If I wasn't overweight, I could have ..."

When you reach your goal weight, a primary self-protection mechanism is gone. The excuse that weight once offered is no longer valid. You have reached the goal of being thinů the one thing that you have been waiting for and dreaming of for years. This situation can leave you feeling vulnerable and scared. If things don't work out, then who or what is to blame?

To begin to work through this, we need to assess what role that fat plays in your life. What positive aspects does it offer you? How does it protect you? Can you find alternative ways to protect yourself without hiding? What does being thin mean to you? What internal qualities do you have? In your mind, can you maintain these qualities and still be thin? If not, why? Does being thin threaten you in some way? Why?

Self-exploration takes time and patience.


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NEW-CAZ 12/19/2014 2:58AM

    you've had a hard ride Diane don't be so hard on yourself. If you want it enough you'll do it! emoticon

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CHERIRIDDELL 12/19/2014 1:21AM

    I always seem to sabotage my success not sure why .

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MT-MOONCHASER 12/19/2014 12:46AM

    I think we all engage in that self-sabotage for one reason or another. I think it takes some serious soul searching to move past it. I'm afraid that we each have to discover our own path through this attitude.

Good luck!!

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DEE107 12/19/2014 12:14AM

    hugs its hard and also that you have been on the couch mostly due to injury does not help either

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JAMBABY0 12/18/2014 11:41PM

    I'm not sure what to say, I guess you'll need to work on discovering what is in your way. You may just feel there's a sort of anxiety from the change, which I'm not sure how to resolve. I would suggest trying to push through it and tell yourself how much it would mean to you if you could accomplish it. Good Luck! emoticon

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DONNA_W 12/18/2014 11:30PM

    I can relate to the emotions of fearing success!!

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YEAH !! I GOT IT !! My bone grower !!

Monday, December 08, 2014

Today has been a TOTALLY EXCITING DAY and yet,, in another way it "COULD" be discouraging IF I CHOSE to look at it that way. I'll instead think "In time, it will get better".

I talked at length with Steve who bought it to me,,,,, he said it can take 3 months (unusual,, that was a record) ,, the usual is 6 months,, that he expects to be me,, and some as long as NINE months,, for the bone to heal with it. I need to use it at the same time each day,, and well I am almost ALWAYS at home,,, at 4PM,,, and LOL Watching Judge Judy. She CRACKS me up !!! She says it "as she sees it" which can be quite old fashioned,, as she says "in MY AMERICA" than goes on to say to others "This is NOT MY AMERICA, the WAY it was" !!! LOL She tells the losers they ARE such ,,,, and in "general" she's RIGHT ! So I do not watch it for HER not for the cases,, you've seen one,,, you've seen them ALL ! but, to me,, she's quite funny ! I also FALL ASLEEP when she's on,, great time for sleeping !!!

I see the Dr in a month,, we will see how it goes at that point,, if it's progressed.

Today I was SO DELIGHTED to actually go for a REAL WALK !! I have a special metal piece in my shoe,, since I can't wear my cast,,,,, I got a rash from it,, than it helped me to get an infection,,, LOL Imagine being allergic to a CAST !! LOL OHHHHH FUNNY !!! Dr said he doesn't quite know the next time what to do about this,, it's UP to him. I do a hard cast fine (That one is the CAM (walking cast). I LOVED the walk !! It was FUN !! I only walked around the building,,, its GREAT to live in a high rise,, with very long hallways,,, there r 14 apts on most floors,, and 8 floors in all. Everyone has something different on their doors,,, walls. Some are quite good,, others BORING, and most of us change them seasonally. So yeah, I love this to pieces !! Than I got ON THE FLOOR to do some stretching exercises. B4 the surg back in June,, I was QUITE Flexible,, I could EASILY put my foot on my nose ! I could almost bend with legs apart,, ,, put my nose also on the floor ! WOOHOO but, NOW I can BARELY bend over !!!

Ill work on this !
Bad storm coming tomorrow,, snow to ice to mostly rain,,, with gusts of 40 MPH winds. We are expecting some possible power outages. Again GREAT to be in a high rise ! While I WILL lose elect in my apt,, my heat will still work (I WISH Fridge would ! But I am sooo careful in the winter, and DO NOT keep much in it in case !). The ground is frozen,, we have some small snowbanks,, so the water,, its expected to be heavy rain Tues night,,, Into Fri (not as much on Thurs/Fri) the water will have NO PLACE to go,, so we are also expecting flooding. I have everything ready (I Do all the time,,, idiots drive badly,, out goes elect !) We will NOT see the sun again til Sat. WAHHHH I LOE THE SUN !!!

SO tomorrow,,, I have an appt with my bone Dr !! YEAH !! She'll have the answers on why i am NOT healing. If my otheoporiosis has gotten worse,, it was already at a -4 in my feet,, and -2 in the rest of my body. Unless she says otherwise,, I DO plan on walking more (I use trekking poles,, cause I am quite unbalanced due to the neuropathy) they help me stay somewhat even as I walk down the hallway,, and I DO NOT panic when it looks like I am going to fall. LOL It scares others,,, I am fine,,, I am used to it.

See ya tomorrow with an UPDATE !! HOPE I SLEEP ! I am SO HAPPY with this change !

TY for reading.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEB03253 12/9/2014 1:14PM

    You sound happy in your blog -- now you have an idea of how things are going to go and I think that makes it easier. I know nothing about bone growers.I'm going to do a little research.

Your building sounds like a great place to walk! Around here its hilly streets with ice and snow in spots -- not such a good thing for walkers.

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LADYBUG546 12/9/2014 11:30AM

    emoticon love the attitude

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NILLAPEPSI 12/9/2014 7:53AM

    So glad you go to walk!! emoticon emoticon

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JUJUH51 12/9/2014 6:21AM

    Diane, that is so awesome!! I can "hear" it in your writings how happy and joyful you are! I am so happy for you!!!! I really like Judge Judy too!

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NEW-CAZ 12/9/2014 3:05AM

    GOOD TO HEAR YOU'RE MAKING PROGRESS DIANE.
I love JJ too, we have a similar series over not long ago Judge Rinder (something like that) and he was so sarcastic..............put JJ in the shade emoticon I'll send you a link if I can find one! emoticon

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DEE107 12/9/2014 12:30AM

    hugs glad cast is off and I have that metal for the shoe so you cant bend your toe hugs

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CHERIRIDDELL 12/9/2014 12:27AM

    SO glad you got the bone grower. I am glad you got out walking.I am going for a roll in the university hospital tomorrow for some clotting tests. Not my idea of fun. I hope they will not take too long.

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GRAMVICKI 12/8/2014 11:38PM

    So glad you are happy and keeping a positive attitude. Do what the Dr says and all therapy after and you will be touching your nose to the floor again in the near future.

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ROBBIEY 12/8/2014 11:23PM

  Great attitude, I love Judge Judy as well.

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Dr appt today, update, some good news

Thursday, December 04, 2014

TY all who saw yesterday s blog and hope better times are forward from here on.

Well, I can't say that , but some neat news ! I finally get to walk some on foot!! Being so long without that is doing more damage than good. Yeah, so I can help it by walking. I have some Fancy do dads to put on it. He says this will protect it. I happily started to walk at ONCE! It hurts sme, but it's supposed to.

Also the bone grower was finally approved today. The guy who handles this will . Try to bring it up tomorrow. He's in. Massachusetts, about 2-3hrs , depending on where he lives. That'll help a ton.

The surgeon doesn't want to remove the hardware until the bone is headed. If he's forced to , we done this all for nothing. I will most likely lose the toe and that has a lot to do with balance.

See, ya later, I can now go for a walk!! WOOOOHHOOOWWLLL

TY for not leaving me alone with this especially when I am scared or the pain drives me crazy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 12/8/2014 1:46PM

    Hugs to you. emoticon Happy Holidays emoticon


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GOULDSGRANITE 12/8/2014 12:24PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JUJUH51 12/7/2014 7:13AM

    Diane, that is the best news in a long time! So glad you can walk some now. That has to make you feel so much better! I just noticed that you are getting so close to onederland!!!! Congratulations!!! You are doing so good. Hugs to you and Izzy!!



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IRON_RESOLVE 12/7/2014 1:23AM

    Many Hugs and Hip Hip Hooray, the walking improves moral, as it improves the healing of the foot. I am so happy you will have more freedom now Diane. You have been a model patient. And have the patience of Job himself!!
Keep on smiling kiddo!! Many more hugs, I am so excited for this news, is just what you have been hoping to hear.

Oh, stopping back in to say, what Cheri said, you won't ever be alone Diane. We are with you every step of the way!

Comment edited on: 12/7/2014 1:24:43 AM

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JEB03253 12/5/2014 7:20AM

    It's great that you get to walk again! It must feel like you are really making progress now. Watch out for ice! emoticon

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NILLAPEPSI 12/5/2014 7:07AM

    emoticon emoticon Don't overdo it! emoticon emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 12/5/2014 2:59AM

    doing a happy dance for you emoticon

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DEE107 12/5/2014 12:17AM

    hugs my friend glad you wee able to walk on it a bit hugs take it one step at a time

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CHERIRIDDELL 12/4/2014 11:16PM

    What wonderful news !Trust me you will never be alone ,we are with you all the way! hugs,Cheri

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DBEAU57 12/4/2014 11:14PM

    I am sooooo happy you get to do some walking! I know how bad you've missed it! I wish you could come down here and walk with me in the warm weather! Everyone except me was out in shorts today!

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MT-MOONCHASER 12/4/2014 9:41PM

    I sure hope the walking will speed the healing.

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Sigh.... foot again, will it ever improve?

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Called surgeons office on. Tuesday. See his assistant tomorrow. No doubt he will also come in

Not sure if it can b seen well enough here.



Just in case,,, about an inch from the toe nail,, u can see what looks like a big pimple than further down near the end of the scar, u can see another bump.

What that is r the screws/hardware working it's way outta my big left toe. This of course is not good. Will let you know more later. I'm soooo sick of dealing with this garbage. Its. Now been 6 months. I'm so done with this.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEB03253 12/4/2014 7:17AM

    Good grief -- I didn't realize that could happen. Hope the drs visit gives you some answers. emoticon

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NILLAPEPSI 12/4/2014 7:15AM

    Praying all will be ok. emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 12/4/2014 2:50AM

    emoticon hope you see an improvement soon Diane, that looks painful emoticon

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CHERIRIDDELL 12/4/2014 12:28AM

    Oh Diane I see it,you poor girl.You are in my thought.Look after yourself love and hugs,Cheri

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DEE107 12/4/2014 12:12AM

    hugs I see oh my

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GOULDSGRANITE 12/3/2014 11:42PM

    praying for a miracle for your foot. you deserve it!

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DBEAU57 12/3/2014 9:46PM

    I feel your pain!!!!!! One of my BFFs broke her foot years ago, then broke it again last year and was on one of those scooters like you used that you push with your good foot. It never healed properly and now she's scheduled for surgery in 2 weeks. When she told me that, I thought about you and all the surgeries you've already had......

I sure hope they can fix this for you. You've been through enough!

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Sigh.... foot again, will it ever improve?

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Called surgeons office on. Tuesday. See his assistant tomorrow. No doubt he will also come in

Not sure if it can b seen well enough here.



Just in case,,, about an inch from the toe nail,, u can see what looks like a big pimple than further down near the end of the scar, u can see another bump.

What that is r the screws/hardware working it's way outta my big left toe. This of course is not good. Will let you know more later. I'm soooo sick of dealing with this garbage. Its. Now been 6 months. I'm so done with this.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 12/8/2014 1:48PM

    I'm sure you are sick of this. I hope all gets well soon.

Are you are Pisces? They have problems with their feet.

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MSGRANNYMAE 12/4/2014 5:02PM

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