Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I know some of you guys have been worried about me; I've gotten periodic messages, comments, and SparkGoodies from many of you. Thank you for that; it means more than you know!
As some of you already know, November is a REALLY tough time for me. I am generally working constantly on my job for NaNoWriMo, which takes up obscene amounts of time.
This year, while I've done better, I'm still disappointed by how much my lifestyle has crashed and burned. I'd gone so long maintaining, without losing or gaining, that I was proud of that. November though, saw me eating out almost constantly, making poor choices, and abandoning any pretense of exercise.
So I'm back on the wagon, now. I'm here on SP, and I'll be slowly getting back into the swing of things.
One of the other big challenges has of course, been my husband. It's been a rocky road; right now, I feel like he's on the road to recovery. He was gone from our home for about a month. He's been kicked out of two programs, one before he could even start because of a failed drug test.
The last month or two, though? He's had an attitude change. Nearly losing everything has awakened a desire to get better. He still has a long way to go, and may need to be in long term recovery for at least 6 months, but he's been working with a sponsor, attending regular AA meetings, and has been coming to some tough conclusions about his recovery and what he has to do.
I'm proud of him.
So right now, I'm focusing on me, getting my health back on track, and stopping these poor habits before they get the best of me. I've worked too hard to lose what I've done now.
First step: using that stupid gym membership I've been paying for. ;)
Sunday, September 22, 2013
I've been gathering my thoughts, trying to figure out how to say this. Trying to decide if I should at all.
But I've always been open in my life, and at church last week, my preacher said something that resonated with me.
"Sin grows in darkness."
Hiding what's going on doesn't make the problem easier. So I've been reaching out to friends, family, and loved ones, just getting the support I need. My husband would probably prefer that I was less open with it, but well, that's something he should have thought about before he made the choices he has.
Monday night, my husband chose to call my bluff on my ultimatum. One of the caveats I laid down was that if I caught him lying, hiding, or stealing again, he would have to leave.
So he hid something, and I caught him doing so.
Because I'd made a choice months ago to not tolerate this kind of behavior anymore, I had to follow through. The next day, I asked him to leave. He knew it was coming, and he didn't argue. He packed a bag, and left.
This isn't a divorce. It's not "the end" -- he just has to get help, help I'm not prepared nor equipped to give. And I have to protect my children from his behavior, and if that means that he needs to stay somewhere else to do that, so be it.
I still love him. I'm still helping when I can (getting his meds, keeping minutes on his phone) but otherwise, he's on his own. He's staying with his dad right now, about 3 hours away.
And I have to learn to be a single mom, at least for a while. Probably looking at 6-9 months, depending on how long it takes the inpatient program to call us.
After that? Time will tell. I'm not worried about that day. Right now, I'm worried about today. And maybe tomorrow.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Sometimes, in spite of all your best efforts to love and support someone, it's not enough.
Sometimes, you have to do what's right, not what feels good.
Sometimes, you have to let go, and let them fall. Even if it makes them bleed.
Because sometimes, love just isn't enough.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I'm back to 185 as of today. This weight has tormented and plagued me for months. Tantalizingly, I'll hit it, triumphantly update my SP weight, and then up it creeps again for a few weeks.
I haven't nudged higher than 187 in a long time, but 185 is this scary threshhold for me. However, the changes I've made recently, I think I can get to 184.
184. The lowest weight I've been in years. I want to be that weight.
My next big goal is 179. That's how much I weighed after I got pregnant with my first child. The weight I was when I walked out of the hospital with her (10 lbs lighter, incidentally, than when I walked in.)
It's been a little easier, since my husband has been adjusting his eating habits to be less gross. He's working on portions, and it's a lot easier to not overeat if no one else is, either! He still snacks a lot at night, but that's steadily becoming not a trigger for me, and when he goes into treatment (Which could be in a week or two, or a month or two, we don't know.) hopefully that trigger will go away entirely.
Just wanted to update you, lest you think I vanished. ;)
Monday, August 12, 2013
I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. I've had a lot of people tell me I'm a strong woman, but I must admit, I don't really understand what that means.
Is strength taking care of your children first no matter what?
Is strength standing up for yourself in the face of adversity?
Is strength not making compromises for your health or sanity?
Maybe I'm strong, but the idea that these are somehow exceptional qualities makes me sad. That should be the norm. Mothers take care of their babies. Wives don't let their husbands tear them down. Taking care of yourself is what you should just *do.*
And yet... we don't.
The news is full of heartbreaking stories of failed parents who didn't even try to protect their own children.
There are countless bodies of women who never stood up for themselves, who felt they weren't worth saving.
This website is full of people who have spent a long time ignoring their own health and sanity.
I'm one of that last group, or at least, I used to be.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we trick ourselves into thinking that hurting ourselves, or letting others hurt us, is easier than being strong?
Am I strong?
I don't think so. I am what I must be. I have two little girls who can't protect themselves, so that's what I do. Period. Even against people who love them, but can't make the right choices. No one else is going to look out for me, so these days, I do that. I have family and friends to support me, yes, but in the end, it's MY choice to take care of my mind, body, and soul, and set an example for my children to follow.
I'm facing a terrifying future ahead, but my fear isn't what matters.
Today's another day. What comes, comes. And I'll meet it, as always.
I don't have any other choice.
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