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2013- starting all over again

Sunday, January 06, 2013

In short, 2011 and 2012 were the hardest two years of my life. After getting to my lowest weight ever, 251, I have gained over 90 pounds in two years. I now weigh 344.

But, I'm not truly upset about it. I know why I gained all the pounds. I was pregnant twice in 2011. The first one, which resulted in a miscarriage of twins, I gained over 40 pounds. The second pregnancy, which resulted in a beautiful 10lbs 1/4 baby boy named Lucas, I gained the remainder 30+.

After I gave birth I gained the rest of the 20 pounds.

So there you have it. 90 pounds. No excuses. Yes, I went through a very personal battle with myself and life happened.

Now I stand before the mirror and I weigh 344. And I'm not lamenting on how I weigh 251 two years ago. I'm moving forward. I have already returned to the gym. I have already cut some nasty food habits from my life and water has returned.

Baby steps. So I'm not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to take my 344lb pound butt to the gym right now.

And looking forward.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ME_HERE_NOW 1/8/2013 12:59PM

    keep up the good work sweet lady! much love from the south!

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1STATEOFDENIAL 1/6/2013 4:20PM

    Life definitely throws curveballs. Good to see that you came back to SP and have started on a healthier journey again. Best wishes to you!

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TATTER3 1/6/2013 9:34AM

    Keep Sparkin'!!!

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JUST LIVING, no scales, no measuring,

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Hi Spark friends.
What I like about this site is the no judgmental attitude of my spark friends and even strangers.
since my last blog, I have been trying to get back into the swings of things. My miscarriage I gained close to 30 pounds. I'm sure it was all water since they were twins. It's been seven weeks.
I've taken it slow. During these weeks,
- I've regained my love for exercise.
- I've have (almost) stopped my love affair with Coke soda.. I've switched it up to Diet Coke. In two weeks, I will completely stop.

What I have NOT done is weigh myself. Nor have I fully tracked all my calories. I'm not ready. I'm going to be completely honest with you. I'm not going to give you any excuses. It's not that I don't have the time ( I do. I have the Spark APP on my phone), it's not that I don't know what I'm eating ( oh yeah I do, and ENJOY IT), and it's not that I'm thinking the scale is wrong( it's not wrong, completely on Point!)

It's none of the above. I know full well what I'm doing, eating, and experiencing when it comes to my weight loss journey. And guess what, I'm totally owning it. I understand my body, my emotions, my doubts, my self confidence, or lack thereof.

And I'm working on it. I'm not blaming it on the miscarriage, the weather, my kids, my partner, my stupid landlord, my stupid coworkers.

It's ALL ME.

And I forgive myself every night and every day I change a small thing, not everything, and I give myself a hand for changing it. Saying no to that cookie, choosing water instead of soda. Leaving some food on the plate.

It's going to take a lifetime to change things and I'm ready for it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCHENPOSSIBLE 7/31/2011 8:14PM

    Any change, regardless of how big or small, counts. Whatever you have to do to find peace and balance is still to be commended. So i'm giving you a hand too! Hang in there, friend!

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AVRENIM1 7/27/2011 4:01PM

    It is difficult but it can be done. Changing our way of doing things when it comes to eating right and exercising. It's like you wrote "lifetime". The key is to never give up. Sorry about your loses, I lost three before my five live births. emoticon

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MAY1787 7/24/2011 3:00AM

    I'm sorry for your miscarriage, and I hope you know you can talk about it with people on here. Sometimes we need time to not track or worry or micromanage, we just need time to live and I think this is an important time for you to just live. It sounds like you aren't going overboard with it and you still have some common sense about your lifestyle.

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ME_HERE_NOW 7/23/2011 10:00PM

    girl, this is an amazing post, with eyes open and honesty you will get to where you want to be! you are doing it right, building yourself back up with no pressure, getting back on track. keep doing those little things you can to take care of yourself and keep heading towards your goals....you are not alone on this slippery slope, that is for sure. i notice a lot of us have gained and are trying to cut back & get back on track, due to various reasons, so you are in good company as we all forge ahead. my thoughts are with you often my friend!

Comment edited on: 7/23/2011 11:35:53 PM

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1STATEOFDENIAL 7/23/2011 9:29PM

    That sucks about your miscarriage. It is a sad loss and you need your time to grieve - there's no time limit and no rules about falling back to it.

That said, along with everything else it seems you're dealing with, you have every reason to not do everything exactly right. The fact you're not blaming and owning what you're doing shows that you have no misconceptions and you are doing what you need to do at this time to get through all the stress. You're also smart for forgiving yourself and making positive changes - even if they're small - every day. Doing it all at once is incredibly difficult and stressful, so good job with sticking to the small changes and going slow.

Best wishes to you and I think things will get better for you soon.

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Rounding up the courage....

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I have not written a blog in a long time. Not because my life has been calm and drama free. Rather I have so much to write about ,I don't know where to start. It's been an emotional rollacoster for these last two months.

And it's not because I don't want to open tibits of my life to my Spark friends..... I wouldn't be in Spark if that was the case.

No, it's just I have not finished processing my loss. I had a miscarriage two weeks ago. Of identical twins. I was 10 weeks pregnant.

Just writing causes emotional turmoil. But don't worry Spark friends, I'm still here. I'm still exercising. I still get up in the morning and try to best person that God has made me out to be.

When I'm ready to write more, I will.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying commenting on your blogs.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LBDB001 7/13/2011 12:56PM

    So sorry to hear of your lost. I will definately keep you in my prayers :-). Take your time, we are all here for you, whenever, that's how real friends operate.

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ME_HERE_NOW 6/27/2011 2:01PM

    been sending love, strength, and good vibes from here, hope you can feel them. i am so sorry and hope the support of your spark friends helps you get through, xoxo!

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COOKWITHME65 6/26/2011 10:52PM

    So sorry to hear of your loss. Take care of yourself. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 6/26/2011 7:58PM

    I'm sorry to hear this news, dear friend. I'm thinking of you and you remain in my prayers. Sending you lots of love and well wishes for a better tomorrow. xo

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Stay out of my way

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm in a bad mood today. So bad.... I can't stand my OWN self.

Have you ever felt that way? Where you are looking at yourself from the outside and you are like I'll stay out of your way?

That's they way I feel today. I feel like closing in my own cacooon and just staying there forever.

And to top it all off, my BF cooked and burned the rice. Really? I'm supposed to eat this crap? Really?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIANEBFIT 4/27/2011 8:57PM

    had a few of those kind of days myself lately. they pass though. you just have to ride the storm. it's good to be able to recognize it though. here's hoping for some upbeat days for both of us in the week ahead!

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ME_HERE_NOW 4/27/2011 5:22PM

    i feel this way sometimes too, this is when i turn out the lights and make a sprint for the bed and fume til i fall asleep, sometimes i wake up in a better mood, sometimes not, the good thing is it never lasts forever, use some of that angry energy to push out a mean workout in the meantime! xoxo!

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MELLABELLAS 4/27/2011 5:22PM

    Yeah I feel this way sometimes myself. I kind of just let myself be moody if I really want to.. because I know that I usually feel better tomorrow.

emoticon emoticon

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 4/26/2011 9:57PM

    Yikes, D! I'm gonna stay out of your way. But I will commiserate with you and let you know that I often feel this way. Since I live alone, I'm able to be left to my own devices, shut off the lights and just digress. I hope you find some peace tonight so you can start off tomorrow and feel balanced. Hang in there!

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Trying to find my balance..

Friday, April 01, 2011

I have been off my mark, sparkies. Really off. I mean I ate a whole box (or two) of the Samoa girl scouts cookies. You know it's that time of the year that the girls scouts make their move. I really don't think it's a coincidence I mean you order the darn cookies 6 months ago. Why do they come NOW!!

Second, Sparkies I have not been to the gym in like two weeks. All the friends that know me, know that I LIKE THE GYM. I have not been able to do nothing. Yes I know its because I have been moving, but I find no excuse to eat like the world is coming to an end.

Third, I feel run down. I feel like a mac truck has run all over me. This is the weirdest feeling. Am I getting old ( Just turned 34 years old) I mean 8pm is late for me now, lol!!

Fourth, work is kicking my butt!! I mean really, why all these reports and stats and paperwork gotta be done NOW!! Really

Fifth, I hate my hair. I cut it short months ago and I loved it. This morning I woke up and I hate it. I hate it.

Sixth, why do old refrigerators make alot of noise. I mean I can't hear Hutchner from Criminal Minds talk on my television. You know he talks low. Yes I have a small apartment.

I know I'm all over the place. I could be my period, It could be my inactivity ...... oh lord, it could be the fridge, inside and out. But I sure do hope that April is a better month for me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    These funky days are the worst. Days when nothing seems right and everything tastes good. I've had plenty of these days. I also get discouraged when I see the scale creep back up, and I know dang well that it's water weight, but it's still weight and it's still frustrating. I haven't lost any major weight in months. I need to reexamine what I'm doing and make some changes because I saw some pics of me from my birthday party last night, and I'm still too big. And I forget how big I am because I feel strong and I can feel muscle but pictures don't lie. So today I hated my big ole butt and thunder thighs. But what we gotta do is just keep pushing on. Fit things in as we can, without overwhelming or exerting ourselves. You took a small respite but the important thing is to get back in the fight. You know you can do this because you've done it for every other month prior. Keep fighting! emoticon

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ME_HERE_NOW 4/3/2011 2:28PM

    march i was off my game - i kept moving as much as i could but i was BUSY and on top of that SICK with some month long lasting funk (still tricking thru my days and nites!) i know how stressful & what hard work moving is, so take solace in the fact u were working muscles & you are giving your body a bit of a change up from the gym & a break from the month long yoga stint. now it's up to you to get moving again, and eating more responsibly (pep talk here for both of us ;) because you know it makes you feel better, makes you forget about your stupid hair & rock it fiercely no matter the length, every day doesn't have to be 'balls out' at the gym, you can take a little walk and explore your new hood (if it's safe for you to do so!) you can stretch and do yoga poses at home. connecting with yourself again when you have a moment to spare will go a long way to restoring your balance. know you are not alone in this tumultuous shift of seasons babe! thinking about you and sending big love!

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    I know what you mean, except that I'm not tempted by Girl Scout cookies anymore. It's been a long haul, and this week I'm just making a start at getting back, easy, and not trying to do it all at once. Just get to the gym over the weekend or go for a walk and move around a bit and enjoy...and let the rest happen.

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NICOLELYNNB 4/1/2011 5:58PM

    I know exactly the type of day you're having, and I hate them. They're the most awful thing ever. The only thing I can say is that I hope things look a little brighter in the morning! In the meantime, hang in there! Sorry to be corny, but .."This too shall pass"


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