Sunday, August 24, 2014
A couple days ago, I finally got all my thoughts together and wrote in my journal all my feelings about how I got to where I am today. I have been working on a picture collage to try and help me understand who I am. It was also to help me figure out maybe why I am so stalled in my weight loss. So the collage is done and I am very pleased, it took more time than I thought but it also gave me more time to think. Self-introspection is not easy and can be very painful, but for me it is something I needed to do. I have come to some conclusion and I think they will in the long run really help me. The part that saddens me is that I cannot discuss this with my mom or sisters, I love them very much, but they live in their own little worlds where I am just there and as long as I stay in the small place we do fine, well they do fine. No I am not being harsh or overly judgmental, thatís the funny thing about me, I see the past and can understand how it has affected me, but they canít or wonít. It is how they are and I deal with that and still love them for who and what they are right now.
So to the collage, I found pics of me from little girl, teens, young adult, mom and today, the many faces of me. I titled it ďfrom my beginning to becoming a beautiful butterflyĒ, and that is what I feel this has all been, not just this exercise but my life. So here is the story to go with the pictures.
I was born Oct 1953, my dad at the time was in Korea and I did not see him until Christmas of 1954, so my Mom had me near Dadís family and then went back home to ILL, where I grew up. I lived with my grandparents and her siblings during that first year. I have always been close to my aunts and uncles, guess this is the reason. When Dad came back, Mom was the army or her, see she had changed in their time apart, I that she really wanted her independence but it was the 50ís and divorce in our small town well that was not something to happen. My Dad chose family, I am glad he did for me, but sad for him, for that changed him too. Well by 1959 we had a family of 6, I was the oldest of 4 sisters, I loved my family and just wanted peace but that was not to be, my Mom about the time I turned 8-10 decided I was old enough to be getting myself and sisters up in the morning and off to school and later when parents slept in separate rooms that meant getting Dad up too. Making breakfast, fixing lunches or getting the lunch money that was my daily task, I missed my mom being there in the morning. She was going to night school in Chicago area and later when my parents separated for good, worked nights also. By the time I was 12 their marriage was in shambles, they fought, my dad was drunk often, and my mom was gone( little did I know then she was meeting up with my future stepfather and having an affair) and some of those fights were with me in the middle. At 12 was when I started a long relationship with food, as a friend and companion my comfort when stressed and stressed I was and too often, has a mini breakdown after one big fight, scared me to death. Later Mom tried making me diet of course that didnít work, sent me to aunts to see if she could help me, well the break from home helped but the problem was really never addressed. It was emotional eating and no one realized that my emotions and the family stresses were the cause, I have for some time understood a large part of this. When my Dad left he had a talk with me and asked me to watch over my sisters and take care of them, they needed me, well I listened and because I loved my Dad I tried to do just as he asked, boy was that a wrong move for me and he should never had said it. I was a kid 12-13, what did I know about being a parent, well not much, but I tired and alienated my sisters for decades to come. Yes I made things better for my Mom since and she has only realized this is the last couple years, co-parented my sisters. It is so sad and it made me eat more, since I had lost my sisters love, I really didnít like my Mom during my teens or most of it and I felt utterly alone. See I didnít have many friends really just one or two for most of the life, and with helping with my sisters had little time to be a kid. At 16 I could drive now and so took over more duties from Mom, like grocery shopping, before I would walk to the store do the shopping and she would pick me up, now I could do it all on my own, she gave me the list and money and I had to keep in budget, which I did very well. I also started working that fall, she got me a job said it was time to be a grown up, so daily got sisters up fed off to school with lunches or money, went to HS, from 4:40-8:30 pm m-Th worked and on Fri worked to 1am. On weekdays came home, made sure dishes done ate a little leftovers or whatever, did homework (by the way kept my grades up through all this and had to work darn hard to do that) and then got some sleep and started all over again the next day. At 17 I weighed about 275 and had no self-worth, really no friends and no life outside going to school and working, yet in 1970 my senior I started to fight back for myself, I lost 50 lbs, all my myself and just working hard to do it. By this time in my life I was very introverted and very shy, I didnít like me very much and had no problem hurting myself since I didnít feel I was worth anything. Family didnít help this since I had no real relationship with my sisters and my mom and I well, I felt I was the adult and she was the teenager and having all the fun, partying and all.
The 70ís my adulthood, I never lost any more weight, I was always in the mid 200ís, I was learning about me, I was finally away from home and dealing with being on my own. I had a couple friends at that time who I thought really cared about me and while they did, as long as I was involved in their religion it was good. I married in 1982, I loved him and thought he loved me just for me, but that was not right and I didnít see that for many, many years. I was so blessed though with my sons born in 1985 and 1987, they are my joys and really have saved my life in ways I canít even completely explain. Soon after the birth of my oldest my then husband did the worst thing ever beyond shocked and hurt to my core, the church he said he was really sorry it was a mistake, they let him stay and just watched him for some time and finally reinstated like nothing had happened. I had a choice I could have left him or being a good Christian forgive and forget, well I did forgive but I never forgot. It was the beginning of the crack in our marriage, one that was never repaired, other things happened later, and I always was careful with friends kids, I had many but had to watch and slowly I stopped having them around when I was things I didnít like. I became more isolated and so did my sons not good for us but he like it gave him more control. 1995 he had a major heart attack, he survived but I was cautioned to not stress him since it could cause another and maybe fatal attack. My weight kept climbing and by 2001 about 350. During those years I had to go to work full time to help support family, this was hard on sons and put them more with him and that was not good, I didnít see it then and omg I wish I had for their sake. In 2001 I was diagnosed with diabetes, severe anemia and a hernia, I had surgery for the hernia and while I was recovering at home, one night I asked him to make dinner for the boys, it had been only a couple days out of hospital and I had been to the store and done housework, yes I should not have done any of that, but he wouldnít, so I had to. It was an easy dinner, hamburgerís and mac and cheese, I needed to rest, he said that yes take a nap and when I got up then I could fix dinner, I was hurt badly by his attitude, I mean when he sniffled he would be in bed for days. It was the end for me, I rested and cried and just knew that our marriage was over, I had tried I really had. Oh there are other things here to tell but it is still too painful for me to put down. Just a week before our 20th anniversary I asked him to leave and he did and things have only gotten better. And once I was diagnosed with diabetes, I have worked hard to stay off those shots and got my weight heading down, with diet and exercise, those were not easy years. Divorce, another hernia surgery and finally a hystertomy, which took care of the anemia in 2006, learning to be in charge of my life and sons, moving into our apartment and making it all work financially, no they where not easy but I made it work and kept losing or at least not gaining weight. Fall 2007 met my dearest husband Bob and we have been together ever since, here is a man who loves me for who I am, not wanted to changed me or control me and letting me figure all this out. He is the greatest and most loving person I have ever known. And yes we do have bumps LOL many in the beginning and some even now, but we work it out and we love each other. The last pics are taken this year with my sons and as a family and I see a very happy me and someone I am content with, who I am today!!!
That is my story, I WAS an emotional eater, who uses food to comfort and hide myself. Here is a success, I do not emotional eat when under stress, I might fuss and cry, but I talk to DH and exercise. And I have had stress this year in plenty but I have not given way to eating.
Now what does all this mean:
Seeing my Mom change when she lost weight and become someone I didnít like, gave me an early fear of losing weight that I too would change, I mean become a slut or worse. But what I now see is that my Mom was always herself, she became the wife and mother the times required until she stopped and was just the person she wanted to be, an independent person, free to be who she wanted. But I didnít see that then or even later it has come to me recently. So if I lose weight do I changeÖ.NO, not the person I am, but the person you see changes like the butterfly.
So who am I: I am a loving, faithful, loyal, caring, giving, optimistic, and supportive, wife, mother and friend. I have a great smile you see it in those pictures, not just the mouth but all the way to the eyes and really itís from the heart. I am a survivor and a fighter not just for me but for those I really care about. I go not give up on myself or anyone. I am sure I am more too, but I am these things first and foremost. I am rather whacky, quirky and nutty a little sarcastic, with a quick wit and willing to laugh at me as much as everyone else does.
I did not have an easy time and at any point could have lost me in all that happened, but like the butterfly I protected my core build a shield, it helped me make it thought those really hard time with Deb safe until she could break the walls and be free to just be me. I am still growing and hope that never ends because to me with growth and learning that is really living and being alive.
I am a beautiful butterfly being free being me!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, August 02, 2014
I have been struggling with this question for some time. e I have been through so many changes in the last years it is hard to know. One thing I have to figure out has to do with body image and that also includes how I feel about me inside. Often both on SP and other places I keep hearing that you should visualize yourself at your goal weight and what you can do at that weight. Here is my problem I have never been near my goal weight even as a teen well at least after 14. So I really dont have an image I can connect to. My mom who has a similar body type took a pic for me, she is really about her goal weight which is near mine. I look at the pic and it didnt help at all, I just saw her and couldnt see me. Now I do have a good imagination and can see things finished before they are done, but that doesnt seem to apply to ME and my work in progress.
So I am working now on a collage of me through the years ( once finished will share it ) in hopes that I can see and get to understand all the changes and come to a better feeling of just who I am right now!!
There is one thing that I have figured out and it just happened yesterday as I was thinking about this blog and the project. One thing I really want is to be a healthy weight and healthier person. Well that is happening. I dont have to go far to see that but below I have listed all the problems I had over the last 15 or more years:
REFLUX, started about 1990s, but since 2004 or there about no longer a problem and I no longer take medication of any kind.
ASTHMA: since 1982, was on medication for at least 20 years but I am no longer, not even an emergency inhaler since about 2012, I can be out in the heat and yes sometimes be out of breathe but not asthma.
DIABETES: since 2001, well I am now since last year down graded to pre-diabetic. I was only on medication for a couple months, then with diet and exercise I had controlled it, now I dont have to worry. Oh yes it might be a problem if I ate unhealthy but I dont and never will. UGH hate needles.
BAD LOWER BACK, since well most of my adult life. I have had very little problems for at least the last 3 years. this is directly due to shedding the weight.
BAD KNEES, well I am a klutz and have fallen on my knees more times than I can count, but with the weight off, I have little problem, but still can kneel for a long time. But walking, running and such no problem
I am only taking meds for thyroid problems all other prescribed medications are done with.
As far a s stamina and energy well I have more now then when my sons were little, LOL I am like the energizer bunny, makes my DH shake his head at me often.
So I can check off one BIG goal, I am healthier, actually I am the healthiest I have ever been in my whole life and LOL I am over 60!!!!!!!
Today I took time for just me and had my fingers and toes done including a pretty design on both toes and fingers, something I have never done before. I went for a whole treatment and I was sooooooo nice to just treat myself to this. DH loved the results and thought the design was so cool.
I am going to work on figuring out who I am, I am hoping that the visual will help me see the changes and understand all I have gone through to get to where I am today. I honestly look pretty good. My goal for the rest of the year is just to stick to eating healthy, losing what weight I can and getting closer to the healthy goal weight, I am not sure it that will be the number on my ticker or how I feel at some time before. I am not sure. I do know when I get there I think I will know. Its not completely about looks, but I sure would like to lose the rest of my gut, its my one and only I am not happy with body part.
I did look in the mirror the other morning, I was talking with DH stood up and got a side view, something I dont do on purpose but my boobs were sticking out farther then my tummy HEY that is what I have been working for a flatter tummy, its getting there. LOL
For JULY I pretty much stayed the same weight, right now I am back on The Curves program. That is the other part of this years journey, trying new things and learning.
Well here is what I found out............NO COOKIE CUTTER DIETS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!
Since last last year I have tried to eat to help my metabolism, not eating this food or food group, since it was thought be make my body work slower, all this trying to help thyroid work better and lose weight....................end result nothing, it didnt hurt but it didnt help me either. So those foods are now added back.
Tried low carb, around 75 or so net carb a day..............end result well I did lose a little, so then tried a very low carb about 25 or less net carb AND went gluten free............here was the funny thing ate close to Atkins diet result I didnt gain but I also didnt lose, I maintained. Others I knew on this LOST but not me, have no idea why and I dont plan to try to figure it out either, it was a good experiment. I did learn that I can eat higher fat foods carefully and not gain weight. The gluten part was just well I didnt feel better or worse.
After all of these interesting dietary changes, I am back to Curves Complete Diet, right now I did lose 2 lbs last week so maybe for now this will work.....LOL I just never know. But I am going to focus on the positive and know I am eating healthy and in a good calorie range for right now. Will adjust if needed or when.
Exercise is pretty much static, in that I do Strength, Cardio daily and do about 90 ,minutes combined. I do curves, bike riding, walking and DVD too. The way I am doing it seems to work for me right now so I will make changes to this on occasion just to keep it mixed up, but the basic formula seems to work for me and keeps me pretty busy.
I am as I have written before tired of all the planning, mental work to keep on this diet and exercise routine, I am more than ready to start another phase of my life, learning to maintain my healthy weight, but to do that I need to get off the last approx 25 lbs. this is one of the reasons I am doing the collage and really spending some time thinking about ME, this tired feeling is making it hard to keep motivated. I dont mean I plan to stop because I dont, its just that I dont have the joy I did even last year. I need to get that joy back, because these last pounds are going to be hard and i know that but I will make it, and I know that too.
I might be slow but I am steady........
Thanks again to my dear friends you who listen and understand what I am going through, it is the best thing about this journey and SP......your being there with me, I never really feel alone.
Hugs and smiles to all
Lets get working on August and make it a great end of summer push!!!!!
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
Ok so these updates on diet and weight are not great. I gained one pound for the month of June and lost no inches so those stayed the same.
Great month NO!!! Did I learn anything, sort of, I went up and down but maintained basically. That is something but not so great when you want to lose and are trying to do that,without success.
What do I need to change? I am honestly not sure anymore. I had be on a very low carb diet, I didnt mind it, liked parts of it. When i first started in March lost 4 lbs, thought wow nice beginning, but i never thought it would keep up would be glad for 1/2 a pound a week. Not me nope wasnt going to happen for me. I have a number of friends on a similar diet they are doing good for the most part. I dont know why I am not. So changes have to come if I want to lose these last 30+ lbs to get to my goal. The + is because in the last 2 weeks I have gained 2 lbs. Last week I went off the low carb, more back to lowfat. I am trying to figure if I need to redo my exercise. I do basically do the same things weekly. So added a little more strength. This last week I was honestly tired and stressed and didnt exercise the way I wanted to, I am a little disappointed in myself.
Bottom line I am not stopping but just trying to regroup and find a doable healthy path.
My son in the Navy has been visiting the last couple weeks, we have had a nice visit. Didnt do anything major but allowed him to set the pace. I did cook a couple of his favorite things and yes did eat some since I like one dish too. He is leaving tonight heading for VA where he will be stationed for the next couple of years. I probably wont see him again until the holidays, if he can get time off then, will see. He has really grown up since he left here in March and I am so proud of what challenges he has conquered and how is dealing with his life now. Navy is a good thing for him, although as a parent I will always worry, he could be sent to a combat zone at any time, there is no guarantee, really none of us have that today it seems. So will spend the day just enjoying his company and working hard to keep positive for me and him. Change is never easy for some it is harder.
Plans for the rest of July are basically to figure out a plan. right now I am going to be careful and eat sensibly. I think I want to do a fast for a couple day later this week. It is 4 days, you drink a protein shake for 2 meals and then a healthy soup for dinner and one small snack. I have done this before and it is something I dont mind. I eat low calorie for this, but not too low. I want to shake up my metabolism. Then set up a good healthy diet, probably back to the lower fat side for the rest of the month and see what happens. Exercise is well, Curves for the strength 3-4 times a week, Zumba once a week, walking 5-6 times a week and riding recumbent bike 3-4 times a week. Swimming laps on days I can get out and I think adding 10 minutes of strength at home, dvd or something on the days I dont go to Curves. One thing I will have to work on is my calorie range it is always a tough one for me to figure out, maybe this time I will take the SP suggestion on the nutrition page and try that.
There is a way to get these pounds off I do believe I just wish I have a crystal ball and it could show my the way, I would follow and so what needs to be done! I struggle with finding the path.
thanks to anyone who reads this for taking the time. I know I ramble. But this is a nice way to write it all down and think it all out and hope that in this a solution comes and if not at least I know I am trying. Right now that is all I can do.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND NEVER GIVE UP ON THAT DREAM, IT CAN HAPPEN......YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE
Smiles and hugs
Thursday, June 12, 2014
OH so hate when I have to do this. Our old scale was getting weird really!
DH researched and bought a new one. Got it today. It is weighing me 2 lbs heavier....UGH!!!!!!
Ok not really shocked since the Curves scale shows weight loss when the one at home doesnt. SOOOOOOOOO Monday will have my weekly weigh in and will see what damages I have to deal with. I know that the weight is the weight, but hate to gain anything when I am working so hard to see it go down.
Will just have to hang in there and then deal with it!!!!
I really hope this is the last scale I will have to buy for a long time......or better yet the last one I will need to use regularly since I will get to my goal weight this year!! Yeah I like that last one best!
Hugs and smiles
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
Yes after my last blog I need to remind myself of this.
Today I got measured at Curves, its something I do monthly. The number were excellent and I was pumped, got home and looked at the paper again and realized that both my coach and myself were just a little off. The month we were comparing was for LAST year....OMG. Do I feel down actually NO. I looked at those numbers from last year and realized YES I have made progress.
I have lost over 18 lbs and 7 inches, 3 each on hips and waist. Now that is progress and something to cheer about.
So Today I realized (again!) to keep looking at the big picture, its really shows progress not daily but over all. I am feeling motivated to keep working and realizing that I will find the path that works for me. Yes I still want to see the scale go down and in fact since Mon I lost .5!!
I am just going to hold to the course I am on for the next couple weeks and see where that takes me. I was so encouraged by the comments on last blog, that I feel stronger.
Today was to be a day off of sorts....LOL well isnt exactly working out that way, done Curves, a walk, laundry, dry mopped hard wood floor and rest of tile in house and mopped all the tile area....sound like a day off. The part that is off is errand running, I am not doing that today since I did it yesterday. Funny that cleaning really makes me feel good to see things nice and neat and I still feel I have had a great morning. This afternoon need to spend some time on menu for next week and grocery shopping for tomorrow, also need to ride my bike. But in all I am feeling and happy.
Hope your day has gone well and if not got to love the fact tomorrow is a new day and we can start all over again and make what changes we need to.
Have a great rest of the week. Keep smiling and believing in yourself. We are stronger than we think and can do more than we realize.
Hugs and smiles
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