Monday, September 15, 2014
Here we are another new week. I had planned to keep this going until our trip next week and know its best to keep making little changes.
So for this week I am adding a little to last
Adding 5 more laps daily to 30
Adding 1 more mile to Bike riding 5 days this week up to 8 and on T and Th I am going to do 7 mi
Adding another 10 min up to 50 min daily.
I am leaving my diet alone for right now. I have a weigh in Wed and will see how that goes and make changes if needed. I am hoping to just keep this going until the trip.
The trip will be a challenge too but more about that next week.
Wishing all a great week ahead and hope you all have great success in your own challenges. You can accomplish your goals its just a matter of determination and patience.
Hugs and smiles
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
I am committed to write a blog weekly so thought for this one I would update some additions to my plan for Sept
For this week I am adding 5 more laps making it up to 25 daily
Adding 10 minutes Strength M-W-F, adding this to my Curves 5 x a week.
Adding 10 minutes to my walking bringing it up to 40 min daily
those daily's mean that my plan is to do those daily but it weather on the pool get s to cold, I will have to rethink that.
I have my weekly weight in with Curves tomorrow and will know if I need to adjust my eating, but for now sticking with the plan.
I am also starting the Fall Challenge with my Sapphire Sisters tomorrow and I am very glad it begins again. I love having challenges to do they keep it fun and interesting.
Will keep you updated on my progress.
Hugs and smiles
Thursday, September 04, 2014
Ok August was a month with lots of soul searching and thought and that is all good, since there are times that is what is needed, but not to often. I learned a couple things about myself and figured out some about my relationship with my family. All of this is good for me, its what I needed to do. The month of August was not so good for weight loss, yet maintaining is a part of a life I will be leading down the road and is something we all have to learn. Since the beginning of the year I really have lost and gained the same lbs for too long.
So to September DH started what he is calling his 30 day Senior Bootcamp and have really been sticking to it. Basically told me if I followed it I too would lose weight, so I am trying his routine, it is really simple lowfat, light diet, for me that will mean about 1200. Its not really bad I am just eating what he is, but adding a few things I like but still not eating more. We are exercising similarly too, Walking, bike riding (stationary), laps and while he is doing weights, I am going to Curves, it totals about 100-120 minutes daily. We have a mini vacation coming up the end of the month, our goal is to stick to this plan till the trip. As for the trip I dont plan to go eating crazy, but since we will be eating out mostly, I will plan to stick to salad and grilled chicken or something similar. If I do well in this month I sure dont want to blow it on this trip, but this trip with be our first since March and looking forward to getting away and just having some fun together.
September I also plan to blog at least once a week and get back to being more involved in my teams, I do need that it sure helps to just feel a part of the community and being with people who are just like me, trying to be healthy. My water drink and veggie eating are right were they should be, its now just how I do it a part of my life.
My oldest is doing well in the Navy, by his account and I its his time to do be himself and mine to accept the baby bird has flown and give him the room he deserves. I do miss that boy though and dont think that will change. His plan was to come home for visit around the holidays, when he could get some time off, we will see. I am already planning some surprises for him at Christmas time to let him at least feel the love from home. Youngest got got the news that he passed the test and is now on waiting list for the apprenticeship program, not sure what will be next but the interview was a big hurdle for him and he did very well. I am so proud of him he does deserve to have this positiveness in his life. Trying to find work here is not easy so some reason especially for someone without job experience. But he did it and that is what really matters at this moment, he worked and studied and tried his best.
So onward to September taking it day by day, glad to be here and really appreciating the journey so far and where it has brought me.
Hugs and smiles to all my dear friends who stop by you are the ones that inspire me to keep going and trying. You are my rock!!!!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
A couple days ago, I finally got all my thoughts together and wrote in my journal all my feelings about how I got to where I am today. I have been working on a picture collage to try and help me understand who I am. It was also to help me figure out maybe why I am so stalled in my weight loss. So the collage is done and I am very pleased, it took more time than I thought but it also gave me more time to think. Self-introspection is not easy and can be very painful, but for me it is something I needed to do. I have come to some conclusion and I think they will in the long run really help me. The part that saddens me is that I cannot discuss this with my mom or sisters, I love them very much, but they live in their own little worlds where I am just there and as long as I stay in the small place we do fine, well they do fine. No I am not being harsh or overly judgmental, thatís the funny thing about me, I see the past and can understand how it has affected me, but they canít or wonít. It is how they are and I deal with that and still love them for who and what they are right now.
So to the collage, I found pics of me from little girl, teens, young adult, mom and today, the many faces of me. I titled it ďfrom my beginning to becoming a beautiful butterflyĒ, and that is what I feel this has all been, not just this exercise but my life. So here is the story to go with the pictures.
I was born Oct 1953, my dad at the time was in Korea and I did not see him until Christmas of 1954, so my Mom had me near Dadís family and then went back home to ILL, where I grew up. I lived with my grandparents and her siblings during that first year. I have always been close to my aunts and uncles, guess this is the reason. When Dad came back, Mom was the army or her, see she had changed in their time apart, I that she really wanted her independence but it was the 50ís and divorce in our small town well that was not something to happen. My Dad chose family, I am glad he did for me, but sad for him, for that changed him too. Well by 1959 we had a family of 6, I was the oldest of 4 sisters, I loved my family and just wanted peace but that was not to be, my Mom about the time I turned 8-10 decided I was old enough to be getting myself and sisters up in the morning and off to school and later when parents slept in separate rooms that meant getting Dad up too. Making breakfast, fixing lunches or getting the lunch money that was my daily task, I missed my mom being there in the morning. She was going to night school in Chicago area and later when my parents separated for good, worked nights also. By the time I was 12 their marriage was in shambles, they fought, my dad was drunk often, and my mom was gone( little did I know then she was meeting up with my future stepfather and having an affair) and some of those fights were with me in the middle. At 12 was when I started a long relationship with food, as a friend and companion my comfort when stressed and stressed I was and too often, has a mini breakdown after one big fight, scared me to death. Later Mom tried making me diet of course that didnít work, sent me to aunts to see if she could help me, well the break from home helped but the problem was really never addressed. It was emotional eating and no one realized that my emotions and the family stresses were the cause, I have for some time understood a large part of this. When my Dad left he had a talk with me and asked me to watch over my sisters and take care of them, they needed me, well I listened and because I loved my Dad I tried to do just as he asked, boy was that a wrong move for me and he should never had said it. I was a kid 12-13, what did I know about being a parent, well not much, but I tired and alienated my sisters for decades to come. Yes I made things better for my Mom since and she has only realized this is the last couple years, co-parented my sisters. It is so sad and it made me eat more, since I had lost my sisters love, I really didnít like my Mom during my teens or most of it and I felt utterly alone. See I didnít have many friends really just one or two for most of the life, and with helping with my sisters had little time to be a kid. At 16 I could drive now and so took over more duties from Mom, like grocery shopping, before I would walk to the store do the shopping and she would pick me up, now I could do it all on my own, she gave me the list and money and I had to keep in budget, which I did very well. I also started working that fall, she got me a job said it was time to be a grown up, so daily got sisters up fed off to school with lunches or money, went to HS, from 4:40-8:30 pm m-Th worked and on Fri worked to 1am. On weekdays came home, made sure dishes done ate a little leftovers or whatever, did homework (by the way kept my grades up through all this and had to work darn hard to do that) and then got some sleep and started all over again the next day. At 17 I weighed about 275 and had no self-worth, really no friends and no life outside going to school and working, yet in 1970 my senior I started to fight back for myself, I lost 50 lbs, all my myself and just working hard to do it. By this time in my life I was very introverted and very shy, I didnít like me very much and had no problem hurting myself since I didnít feel I was worth anything. Family didnít help this since I had no real relationship with my sisters and my mom and I well, I felt I was the adult and she was the teenager and having all the fun, partying and all.
The 70ís my adulthood, I never lost any more weight, I was always in the mid 200ís, I was learning about me, I was finally away from home and dealing with being on my own. I had a couple friends at that time who I thought really cared about me and while they did, as long as I was involved in their religion it was good. I married in 1982, I loved him and thought he loved me just for me, but that was not right and I didnít see that for many, many years. I was so blessed though with my sons born in 1985 and 1987, they are my joys and really have saved my life in ways I canít even completely explain. Soon after the birth of my oldest my then husband did the worst thing ever beyond shocked and hurt to my core, the church he said he was really sorry it was a mistake, they let him stay and just watched him for some time and finally reinstated like nothing had happened. I had a choice I could have left him or being a good Christian forgive and forget, well I did forgive but I never forgot. It was the beginning of the crack in our marriage, one that was never repaired, other things happened later, and I always was careful with friends kids, I had many but had to watch and slowly I stopped having them around when I was things I didnít like. I became more isolated and so did my sons not good for us but he like it gave him more control. 1995 he had a major heart attack, he survived but I was cautioned to not stress him since it could cause another and maybe fatal attack. My weight kept climbing and by 2001 about 350. During those years I had to go to work full time to help support family, this was hard on sons and put them more with him and that was not good, I didnít see it then and omg I wish I had for their sake. In 2001 I was diagnosed with diabetes, severe anemia and a hernia, I had surgery for the hernia and while I was recovering at home, one night I asked him to make dinner for the boys, it had been only a couple days out of hospital and I had been to the store and done housework, yes I should not have done any of that, but he wouldnít, so I had to. It was an easy dinner, hamburgerís and mac and cheese, I needed to rest, he said that yes take a nap and when I got up then I could fix dinner, I was hurt badly by his attitude, I mean when he sniffled he would be in bed for days. It was the end for me, I rested and cried and just knew that our marriage was over, I had tried I really had. Oh there are other things here to tell but it is still too painful for me to put down. Just a week before our 20th anniversary I asked him to leave and he did and things have only gotten better. And once I was diagnosed with diabetes, I have worked hard to stay off those shots and got my weight heading down, with diet and exercise, those were not easy years. Divorce, another hernia surgery and finally a hystertomy, which took care of the anemia in 2006, learning to be in charge of my life and sons, moving into our apartment and making it all work financially, no they where not easy but I made it work and kept losing or at least not gaining weight. Fall 2007 met my dearest husband Bob and we have been together ever since, here is a man who loves me for who I am, not wanted to changed me or control me and letting me figure all this out. He is the greatest and most loving person I have ever known. And yes we do have bumps LOL many in the beginning and some even now, but we work it out and we love each other. The last pics are taken this year with my sons and as a family and I see a very happy me and someone I am content with, who I am today!!!
That is my story, I WAS an emotional eater, who uses food to comfort and hide myself. Here is a success, I do not emotional eat when under stress, I might fuss and cry, but I talk to DH and exercise. And I have had stress this year in plenty but I have not given way to eating.
Now what does all this mean:
Seeing my Mom change when she lost weight and become someone I didnít like, gave me an early fear of losing weight that I too would change, I mean become a slut or worse. But what I now see is that my Mom was always herself, she became the wife and mother the times required until she stopped and was just the person she wanted to be, an independent person, free to be who she wanted. But I didnít see that then or even later it has come to me recently. So if I lose weight do I changeÖ.NO, not the person I am, but the person you see changes like the butterfly.
So who am I: I am a loving, faithful, loyal, caring, giving, optimistic, and supportive, wife, mother and friend. I have a great smile you see it in those pictures, not just the mouth but all the way to the eyes and really itís from the heart. I am a survivor and a fighter not just for me but for those I really care about. I go not give up on myself or anyone. I am sure I am more too, but I am these things first and foremost. I am rather whacky, quirky and nutty a little sarcastic, with a quick wit and willing to laugh at me as much as everyone else does.
I did not have an easy time and at any point could have lost me in all that happened, but like the butterfly I protected my core build a shield, it helped me make it thought those really hard time with Deb safe until she could break the walls and be free to just be me. I am still growing and hope that never ends because to me with growth and learning that is really living and being alive.
I am a beautiful butterfly being free being me!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, August 02, 2014
I have been struggling with this question for some time. e I have been through so many changes in the last years it is hard to know. One thing I have to figure out has to do with body image and that also includes how I feel about me inside. Often both on SP and other places I keep hearing that you should visualize yourself at your goal weight and what you can do at that weight. Here is my problem I have never been near my goal weight even as a teen well at least after 14. So I really dont have an image I can connect to. My mom who has a similar body type took a pic for me, she is really about her goal weight which is near mine. I look at the pic and it didnt help at all, I just saw her and couldnt see me. Now I do have a good imagination and can see things finished before they are done, but that doesnt seem to apply to ME and my work in progress.
So I am working now on a collage of me through the years ( once finished will share it ) in hopes that I can see and get to understand all the changes and come to a better feeling of just who I am right now!!
There is one thing that I have figured out and it just happened yesterday as I was thinking about this blog and the project. One thing I really want is to be a healthy weight and healthier person. Well that is happening. I dont have to go far to see that but below I have listed all the problems I had over the last 15 or more years:
REFLUX, started about 1990s, but since 2004 or there about no longer a problem and I no longer take medication of any kind.
ASTHMA: since 1982, was on medication for at least 20 years but I am no longer, not even an emergency inhaler since about 2012, I can be out in the heat and yes sometimes be out of breathe but not asthma.
DIABETES: since 2001, well I am now since last year down graded to pre-diabetic. I was only on medication for a couple months, then with diet and exercise I had controlled it, now I dont have to worry. Oh yes it might be a problem if I ate unhealthy but I dont and never will. UGH hate needles.
BAD LOWER BACK, since well most of my adult life. I have had very little problems for at least the last 3 years. this is directly due to shedding the weight.
BAD KNEES, well I am a klutz and have fallen on my knees more times than I can count, but with the weight off, I have little problem, but still can kneel for a long time. But walking, running and such no problem
I am only taking meds for thyroid problems all other prescribed medications are done with.
As far a s stamina and energy well I have more now then when my sons were little, LOL I am like the energizer bunny, makes my DH shake his head at me often.
So I can check off one BIG goal, I am healthier, actually I am the healthiest I have ever been in my whole life and LOL I am over 60!!!!!!!
Today I took time for just me and had my fingers and toes done including a pretty design on both toes and fingers, something I have never done before. I went for a whole treatment and I was sooooooo nice to just treat myself to this. DH loved the results and thought the design was so cool.
I am going to work on figuring out who I am, I am hoping that the visual will help me see the changes and understand all I have gone through to get to where I am today. I honestly look pretty good. My goal for the rest of the year is just to stick to eating healthy, losing what weight I can and getting closer to the healthy goal weight, I am not sure it that will be the number on my ticker or how I feel at some time before. I am not sure. I do know when I get there I think I will know. Its not completely about looks, but I sure would like to lose the rest of my gut, its my one and only I am not happy with body part.
I did look in the mirror the other morning, I was talking with DH stood up and got a side view, something I dont do on purpose but my boobs were sticking out farther then my tummy HEY that is what I have been working for a flatter tummy, its getting there. LOL
For JULY I pretty much stayed the same weight, right now I am back on The Curves program. That is the other part of this years journey, trying new things and learning.
Well here is what I found out............NO COOKIE CUTTER DIETS FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!
Since last last year I have tried to eat to help my metabolism, not eating this food or food group, since it was thought be make my body work slower, all this trying to help thyroid work better and lose weight....................end result nothing, it didnt hurt but it didnt help me either. So those foods are now added back.
Tried low carb, around 75 or so net carb a day..............end result well I did lose a little, so then tried a very low carb about 25 or less net carb AND went gluten free............here was the funny thing ate close to Atkins diet result I didnt gain but I also didnt lose, I maintained. Others I knew on this LOST but not me, have no idea why and I dont plan to try to figure it out either, it was a good experiment. I did learn that I can eat higher fat foods carefully and not gain weight. The gluten part was just well I didnt feel better or worse.
After all of these interesting dietary changes, I am back to Curves Complete Diet, right now I did lose 2 lbs last week so maybe for now this will work.....LOL I just never know. But I am going to focus on the positive and know I am eating healthy and in a good calorie range for right now. Will adjust if needed or when.
Exercise is pretty much static, in that I do Strength, Cardio daily and do about 90 ,minutes combined. I do curves, bike riding, walking and DVD too. The way I am doing it seems to work for me right now so I will make changes to this on occasion just to keep it mixed up, but the basic formula seems to work for me and keeps me pretty busy.
I am as I have written before tired of all the planning, mental work to keep on this diet and exercise routine, I am more than ready to start another phase of my life, learning to maintain my healthy weight, but to do that I need to get off the last approx 25 lbs. this is one of the reasons I am doing the collage and really spending some time thinking about ME, this tired feeling is making it hard to keep motivated. I dont mean I plan to stop because I dont, its just that I dont have the joy I did even last year. I need to get that joy back, because these last pounds are going to be hard and i know that but I will make it, and I know that too.
I might be slow but I am steady........
Thanks again to my dear friends you who listen and understand what I am going through, it is the best thing about this journey and SP......your being there with me, I never really feel alone.
Hugs and smiles to all
Lets get working on August and make it a great end of summer push!!!!!
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