Monday, July 29, 2013
As part of a weight loss challenge I was asked to blog about “Ten Things I’d like to Change”.
My first thought: well you know, only a couple things- lose weight, eating healthy all the time with no barriers, have the most perfect boyfriend. All those shiny things.
But then I thought of all the tiny little changes that would add up to the those: I’d have to win the lottery first so I wouldn’t have to work or ever worry about money. I had to have the roads cleared secret-service style whenever I decided I wanted to drive somewhere so I would be able to get where I’m going-- heck while we’re at it, I’d like a limo and a driver. I’d like to relocate to a fancy, expensive apartment across the stress from central park in NYC. I’d like to own a beach home and travel on a whim. I’d like to have servants and handmaid. All of these changes depend on the lottery thing panning out for me. And what’s really unfortunate is that I don’t even play the lottery.
Of course this tongue in cheek exploration of external change is not what this challenge assignment was about: what really is change? I’ve wrestled with this concept over the past 3 years in both concrete and abstract sorts of ways. The first thing I did was decide that I needed to do something because weighing 285 pounds (301 at my highest) at 29 wasn’t cutting it: I could barely walk more than 15 minutes- so what else needed to change: I needed to get strong! How do you do that? Exercise- my favorite thing now! I only do things I really enjoy so that makes it easier. Then came the food: I had to change what I was eating. Which went from whatever I felt like to tracking calories and then limiting calories while exercising and 3 years later I’m 110 pounds lighter than I was when I started this whole journey.
What helped me change? Crisis: I was on my knees with no where left to turn and if I kept doing things my way I was fast heading to daily HCTZ and I’m sure metformin someday very soon. I was so lucky to not have these outcomes but my doctor did give me a prescription for HCTZ which I filled, once. And never took.
I struggle right now with change because I’m still at a place where I want to hold on to the shred of flexibility I can sometimes get away with here and there with my food. At the end of the day no matter how many changes I’ve made there is still this part of me that just wants to have freedom with food at no cost. To eat what I want, when I want and weigh 150 pounds. I know now that this desire is part of me and one that I might have to live with for the rest of my life--but today I can accept it and this gives me an opportunity to make the changes I may need to make to continue my journey to health.
I know that after all these changes it becomes a little unclear of what else can I possibly have to change? So there might be 10 things:
I want to be more consistent with low calorie eating.
I want to have energy all the time so I can do what I want-- this means I need to slow down and relax sometimes.
I want to always prioritize the actions that I know demonstrate self-love around food and exercise.
I want to know what I need and do it without reservation.
I want to remember how important this is to me all the time.
I want to eat 8 servings of fruits and vegetables everyday.
I want to want to never eat junk food again.
I want to fill my life with lovely happy things so I never feel so depleted I want to binge.
I want to remember I am always full from the inside out and that I just need time to feel it, to see it.
And most importantly, I want to be full always of the willingness to accept that healthy choices are a day in and day out comittment and not something that I am just doing because I have to do it. I can chose not to, yes. But if I choose otherwise I am also choosing to move myself away from what I want deep down and to possibly feel bad and guilty. I know I will never regret making the right choices to eat clean and healthy but I’ll probably feel bad if I choose otherwise.
So today, I had a really great day. And I get to go to sleep and feel happy and proud of my choices. There really is not anything better than that feeling in my book.
I want to choose this every single day.