ERICAANN44   27,136
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What?!?! We can CHOOSE how we feel???

Sunday, January 05, 2014

I know, I know... this shouldn't be such a emoticon moment, but it is!

There ARE things that get me down at times, and I accept that. In fact, in some ways, I WELCOME that. After all, you can't have the highs without the lows, right??? emoticon emoticon Work is stressful and uncertain emoticon , and my love life is rather pathetic emoticon . I know there will be days when all I want to do is vent (and trust me, I will!) I know that there will be days when I feel out of control and lost emoticon . I know that I will stumble at times, and even *gasp* fall!

But you know what else I KNOW? I know that I have all the power in the world emoticon . I have the choice to wake up in the morning and welcome a new day with optimism and gusto emoticon ! I know that, despite not being able to control anyone else's actions, I sure as hell can control my REACTIONS! I know I can choose to be thankful for the opportunity to change the things in my life I want to change. I know I can surround myself with nurturing, kind, humorous people who enrich my life emoticon . I know I can choose to feel hopeful instead of hopeless.

I choose to start living my life for me. To explore the world and not be afraid to fail. I choose to hold myself in the highest esteem, and not allow ANYONE to shake my faith in myself.

I hope you all do the same. We ALL owe it to ourselves.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEWASKO 1/7/2014 7:03PM

    I totally agree!! Right on sister!! Great attitude! I really enjoyed your blog. emoticon

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JADED_CHICK19 1/6/2014 7:05PM

    I love your new outlook!! You are such a great person and only deserve the best! Great job on the motivation!

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KNYAGENYA 1/6/2014 8:44AM

    Focusing on what you can control is great!

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FEISTYLIZARD 1/5/2014 9:36PM

    Fake it til you make it. Vent when you need to. And never forget that you're doing this for you. That helps me when I'm having negative thoughts. :)

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    that's right. focus on YOU. HUGS

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What I deserve.

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

I've been having a tough time lately. The guy I'd been seeing fell off the face of the earth last week...ironically, after I told him that I want to be in a serious relationship with him. He sent me a text telling me "Happy Birthday, Hun" on the 26th, and I responded by asking when I was going to see him. I then sent another text. He never responded.

In my drunken stupor last night, I decided to suck it up and text him. He CLAIMS he never received any of my texts after he said happy birthday. I don't believe him. We then got into a conversation about how he still wants to take things slowly, and the reason he didn't get a hold of me when I supposedly hadn't gotten in touch with him was because HE THOUGHT I HAD FOUND SOMEONE ELSE. Do you know how livid that made me!?!? Not only did he not trust that I meant what I said, he couldn't even be bothered to fight for me. I was disgusted. Beyond disgusted. And that's assuming that I even believe him. Most of my subconscious believes that he just doesn't want to see me anymore and really isn't all that invested in this relationship so he made up some bull$hit excuse. I've decided to end things with him. He's going to end up breaking my heart.

Anyway, that got me thinking about what I want and what I deserve. I realize that what I want IS what I deserve. I'm a good person, and I think my karma has earned me the things I want. Maybe not right now, but eventually.

I DESERVE... be treated the way I WANT to be treated emoticon stand up for myself if someone is hurting me emoticon laugh as often as possible emoticon surround myself with people who love and respect me emoticon

...a healthy mind, body and spirit emoticon be kind to myself emoticon empower myself, because nobody else can do it for me emoticon have a house stocked with healthy foods emoticon break a sweat everyday emoticon have confidence in myself emoticon look in the mirror and see beauty, intelligence and compassion emoticon

...inner peace emoticon find my soul mate...the man who loves me and would fight for me, for us, for as long as it takes to have the life we want emoticon

...passion, kindness, love and hope...not despair, indifference and heartbreak emoticon

As I'm sure we all know, it's so difficult to get our heads and our hearts on the same page. It's easy for me to say I deserve better, but to actually believe it?

I just realized something...every man I've been in a relationship with or dated has left me. I'm never the one to leave. That's because I've always been so scared of "blowing" it or making a mistake...even when deep down I KNOW a situation isn't right for me. I guess I now realize that I DESERVE to make my own decisions and not allow others to make them for me.

I really needed to write this blog. Thanks for listening!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNYAGENYA 1/1/2014 10:06PM

    The One won't abandon you. If this guy isn't it he's leaving room for the right one.

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    congrats on making a self discovery. take care of you and it might sound taboo but at this time, be selfish and do you. for real. HUGS

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FEISTYLIZARD 1/1/2014 5:15PM

    This is basically what I've been going through the past few weeks, SO GIRL I FEEL YOU. We do deserve better. We do deserve love. We deserve to be fought for and to be cared about. Happy new year, take care of yourself. :)

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PLUGINALONG 1/1/2014 4:47PM

    I believe there is someone out there just for you. So don't give up and especially don't give up on YOU. YOU are SOMEONE.

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Life begins at 30...right?

Friday, December 27, 2013

So, I turned 30 yesterday. Yup. You heard me right. I said 30. I'm not having a breakdown about it or anything, but it definitely is a wake-up call that time continues to march on.

I am 35 lbs lighter than I was last year at this time. Not as much as I was hoping, but I'll take it. Despite slip-ups and episodes of "I just don't give a $hit", my weight is trending down.

I'm the type of person who needs things to look forward to. best friend's sister, who is very overweight, has decided that she is going to go to Mexico to have gastric bypass. Yeah, I realize how insane that sounds, and my friend and the rest of her family have been trying to get her to reconsider. My friend is also overweight, but has lost a bunch of weight on her own. She's tried (unsuccessfully, obviously) to convince her sister to do it the old-fashioned way. It hasn't worked.

Back to my point...since we can't convince her not to have the surgery in Mexico, we're going with her! We'll be staying at a resort in Puerto Vallerta. After surviving another CNY winter, it will be a welcome change. So, not only do I have something fun to look forward to, it also gives me extra motivation to continue working hard on my weight loss.

So, my "dirrty 30" has started off pretty damn well! I'm planning a trip with my best friend, getting skinnier/healthier, and continuing to work on my self-esteem.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NATURALSHAPELY 12/30/2013 7:10PM

    HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! 30s aren't soo bad..ahem... enjoy your unexpected trip, that's always a motivator!

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KNYAGENYA 12/28/2013 1:50PM

    Congrats on the weight loss! This year will be great for you.

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ROWDYWITH4 12/27/2013 7:25PM

    35 lbs. is awesome! Keep it up!

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Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Thursday, December 19, 2013

I'm officially asking for all of your advice, tips and tough love.

Why am I so damn negative all the time when it comes to my love life? Here's the deal...I've been seeing a guy for a little over a month now. We're taking things slow, but see each other frequently and ALWAYS have an amazing time. He's very sweet. He's always telling me that I'm beautiful and that he loves spending time with me. He very casually mentioned that he canceled his account (which is how we met) and then again mentioned it last night. I gave him a Christmas present...just something thoughtful, nothing over-the-top because duh, we're not even an official couple yet. He seemed to really love it. He's working all through the holidays but we're supposed to have a date on Christmas eve. My birthday is the 26th, and I can't lie...I'm desperate to at least get a card from him.

Despite all of this wonderful stuff, I can't stop certain thoughts from stabbing into my brain almost constantly. I am so wanting us to become an official couple, because part of me thinks that will make me more comfortable in our relationship. That's stupid...I was engaged and that wasn't enough to keep him from cheating on me right before the wedding. Obviously I'm not delusional and am very realistic, so why do I so desperate for us to become a couple?

And what's really causing me a significant amount of anxiety is the waiting...waiting for this to blow up in my face just like every other potential relationship I've had since I split up from my ex. I'm a freak. I'm literally obsessing about this! I'm constantly worried that I'm going to say or do something to make him walk away. Or that I won't have anything to do with it, but it will happen anyway.

I guess I'm looking for a way to calm down and accept things as they come. I've never been very good at that, as much as I wish I was.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNYAGENYA 12/20/2013 7:27AM

    First if all- congrats on the new guy. Secondly, enjoy this phase of the relationship. Take time and enjoy the fun and the excitement. He wants to spend time with you and that is a wonderful sign. Remember he is not the ex so you shouldn't expect the same behavior. Let him chase you! You are worth him putting in the effort.

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NATURALSHAPELY 12/19/2013 6:46PM

    i understand your anxiety and caution. since there never has been a discussion and a title given to your relationship, just relax and take it as friendship until such conversation happens. even if he doesn't give you anything, his wanting to spend time with you is quality and worth more than a card or money spent. from a personal standpoint, i feel a good way to know more about yourself is to embrace your single-ness and focus on learning the new you as you go through this weightloss journey, but that's just me. but then, i am so into myself right now, i probably shouldn't be giving any kind of advice! LOL stay positive

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RENATA144 12/19/2013 6:20PM

  Dear Erica, slow down. Wait for Christmas to see what he gives you. (Don't be too anxious- you have to pull back. If you seem too clingy or anxious it may be a bit unattractive). Play it Cool. Step back & think about what you really want & need out of a relationship / husband. Write it down. Leave breathing room.

He may be planning something special. Find other things to focus on.
Put out Positive vibes.
Put your negative/ bad memories in a "locked box" in the back of your closet & realize that this is a new day with a new & wonderful man.
You deserve the best & you may have found it.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Happy holidays !!!

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Boo to the end of the weekend!

Sunday, December 08, 2013

I am feeling sooooo bummed out for some reason! I don't know why. It could be because I literally got out of bed once since Friday morning. I was sick with some sort of bug and it totally wiped me out. I know I needed the rest, but it certainly didn't do anything to help my mood (or my weight loss!) I didn't eat a lot since I was sick, so maybe that will work in my favor. The scale is safely tucked away in my closet, not to be used until Friday morning :)

I was able to drag myself out of bed long enough to roast some brussels sprouts and make some brown rice to have for lunch this week. For some reason, I LOVE brussels sprouts! I just roast them with a little EVOO, sea salt and fresh ground black pepper.

Let's see, what else can I vent about? Well, I'm doing fairly well with my goals regarding my love life. I'm seeing someone that I'm really starting to care about, but I'm not allowing myself to get to wrapped up in it. I don't know exactly where is head is when it comes to us. He clearly likes spending time with me and is really sweet and thoughtful, but I've seen it before. I guess all I can do is wait, be open to the possibilities and keep my eyes open.

I'm really going to try to get back into my workouts this week after having so many days off. I always feel amazing after a workout, but have been feeling incredibly lazy since winter has officially kicked off here in CNY. I say it every year, but I'm really considering moving away at some point to get out of this cold/snow.

I guess I should wrap up some of my chores for the evening before I head back to bed. I'm surpised I don't have bed sores!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KLUTERACOON 12/12/2013 7:28PM

    HI!!!!! I'm back!!!

Sounds life you've had a crazy last few months. You are soo incredible, don't you dare ever forget that! I'm still here if you need me. I've missed you.

Love YOU

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JADED_CHICK19 12/9/2013 11:09AM

    Glad to hear that you are back on track with everything still! Hope you are feeling better at least! :)

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KNYAGENYA 12/9/2013 8:55AM

    I hope you feel better soon. Congrats on the new guy...I hope it works out.

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TEAROSE22 12/8/2013 6:07PM

    I hope you're feeling better for Monday am, seems like there s a bug everywhere.
I have the same Brussels sprout addiction, make mine the same way and sometimes add garlic and fresh rosemary. I sautéed in iron skillet to get browned. So good!

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    here's hoping you feel better and get back in the swing of things

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