Sunday, January 05, 2014
I know, I know... this shouldn't be such a moment, but it is!
There ARE things that get me down at times, and I accept that. In fact, in some ways, I WELCOME that. After all, you can't have the highs without the lows, right??? Work is stressful and uncertain , and my love life is rather pathetic . I know there will be days when all I want to do is vent (and trust me, I will!) I know that there will be days when I feel out of control and lost . I know that I will stumble at times, and even *gasp* fall!
But you know what else I KNOW? I know that I have all the power in the world . I have the choice to wake up in the morning and welcome a new day with optimism and gusto ! I know that, despite not being able to control anyone else's actions, I sure as hell can control my REACTIONS! I know I can choose to be thankful for the opportunity to change the things in my life I want to change. I know I can surround myself with nurturing, kind, humorous people who enrich my life . I know I can choose to feel hopeful instead of hopeless.
I choose to start living my life for me. To explore the world and not be afraid to fail. I choose to hold myself in the highest esteem, and not allow ANYONE to shake my faith in myself.
I hope you all do the same. We ALL owe it to ourselves.
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
I've been having a tough time lately. The guy I'd been seeing fell off the face of the earth last week...ironically, after I told him that I want to be in a serious relationship with him. He sent me a text telling me "Happy Birthday, Hun" on the 26th, and I responded by asking when I was going to see him. I then sent another text. He never responded.
In my drunken stupor last night, I decided to suck it up and text him. He CLAIMS he never received any of my texts after he said happy birthday. I don't believe him. We then got into a conversation about how he still wants to take things slowly, and the reason he didn't get a hold of me when I supposedly hadn't gotten in touch with him was because HE THOUGHT I HAD FOUND SOMEONE ELSE. Do you know how livid that made me!?!? Not only did he not trust that I meant what I said, he couldn't even be bothered to fight for me. I was disgusted. Beyond disgusted. And that's assuming that I even believe him. Most of my subconscious believes that he just doesn't want to see me anymore and really isn't all that invested in this relationship so he made up some bull$hit excuse. I've decided to end things with him. He's going to end up breaking my heart.
Anyway, that got me thinking about what I want and what I deserve. I realize that what I want IS what I deserve. I'm a good person, and I think my karma has earned me the things I want. Maybe not right now, but eventually.
...to be treated the way I WANT to be treated
...to stand up for myself if someone is hurting me
...to laugh as often as possible
...to surround myself with people who love and respect me
...a healthy mind, body and spirit
...to be kind to myself
...to empower myself, because nobody else can do it for me
...to have a house stocked with healthy foods
...to break a sweat everyday
...to have confidence in myself
...to look in the mirror and see beauty, intelligence and compassion
...to find my soul mate...the man who loves me and would fight for me, for us, for as long as it takes to have the life we want
...passion, kindness, love and hope...not despair, indifference and heartbreak
As I'm sure we all know, it's so difficult to get our heads and our hearts on the same page. It's easy for me to say I deserve better, but to actually believe it?
I just realized something...every man I've been in a relationship with or dated has left me. I'm never the one to leave. That's because I've always been so scared of "blowing" it or making a mistake...even when deep down I KNOW a situation isn't right for me. I guess I now realize that I DESERVE to make my own decisions and not allow others to make them for me.
I really needed to write this blog. Thanks for listening!
Friday, December 27, 2013
So, I turned 30 yesterday. Yup. You heard me right. I said 30. I'm not having a breakdown about it or anything, but it definitely is a wake-up call that time continues to march on.
I am 35 lbs lighter than I was last year at this time. Not as much as I was hoping, but I'll take it. Despite slip-ups and episodes of "I just don't give a $hit", my weight is trending down.
I'm the type of person who needs things to look forward to. So...my best friend's sister, who is very overweight, has decided that she is going to go to Mexico to have gastric bypass. Yeah, I realize how insane that sounds, and my friend and the rest of her family have been trying to get her to reconsider. My friend is also overweight, but has lost a bunch of weight on her own. She's tried (unsuccessfully, obviously) to convince her sister to do it the old-fashioned way. It hasn't worked.
Back to my point...since we can't convince her not to have the surgery in Mexico, we're going with her! We'll be staying at a resort in Puerto Vallerta. After surviving another CNY winter, it will be a welcome change. So, not only do I have something fun to look forward to, it also gives me extra motivation to continue working hard on my weight loss.
So, my "dirrty 30" has started off pretty damn well! I'm planning a trip with my best friend, getting skinnier/healthier, and continuing to work on my self-esteem.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
I'm officially asking for all of your advice, tips and tough love.
Why am I so damn negative all the time when it comes to my love life? Here's the deal...I've been seeing a guy for a little over a month now. We're taking things slow, but see each other frequently and ALWAYS have an amazing time. He's very sweet. He's always telling me that I'm beautiful and that he loves spending time with me. He very casually mentioned that he canceled his match.com account (which is how we met) and then again mentioned it last night. I gave him a Christmas present...just something thoughtful, nothing over-the-top because duh, we're not even an official couple yet. He seemed to really love it. He's working all through the holidays but we're supposed to have a date on Christmas eve. My birthday is the 26th, and I can't lie...I'm desperate to at least get a card from him.
Despite all of this wonderful stuff, I can't stop certain thoughts from stabbing into my brain almost constantly. I am so wanting us to become an official couple, because part of me thinks that will make me more comfortable in our relationship. That's stupid...I was engaged and that wasn't enough to keep him from cheating on me right before the wedding. Obviously I'm not delusional and am very realistic, so why do I so desperate for us to become a couple?
And what's really causing me a significant amount of anxiety is the waiting...waiting for this to blow up in my face just like every other potential relationship I've had since I split up from my ex. I'm a freak. I'm literally obsessing about this! I'm constantly worried that I'm going to say or do something to make him walk away. Or that I won't have anything to do with it, but it will happen anyway.
I guess I'm looking for a way to calm down and accept things as they come. I've never been very good at that, as much as I wish I was.
Sunday, December 08, 2013
I am feeling sooooo bummed out for some reason! I don't know why. It could be because I literally got out of bed once since Friday morning. I was sick with some sort of bug and it totally wiped me out. I know I needed the rest, but it certainly didn't do anything to help my mood (or my weight loss!) I didn't eat a lot since I was sick, so maybe that will work in my favor. The scale is safely tucked away in my closet, not to be used until Friday morning :)
I was able to drag myself out of bed long enough to roast some brussels sprouts and make some brown rice to have for lunch this week. For some reason, I LOVE brussels sprouts! I just roast them with a little EVOO, sea salt and fresh ground black pepper.
Let's see, what else can I vent about? Well, I'm doing fairly well with my goals regarding my love life. I'm seeing someone that I'm really starting to care about, but I'm not allowing myself to get to wrapped up in it. I don't know exactly where is head is when it comes to us. He clearly likes spending time with me and is really sweet and thoughtful, but I've seen it before. I guess all I can do is wait, be open to the possibilities and keep my eyes open.
I'm really going to try to get back into my workouts this week after having so many days off. I always feel amazing after a workout, but have been feeling incredibly lazy since winter has officially kicked off here in CNY. I say it every year, but I'm really considering moving away at some point to get out of this cold/snow.
I guess I should wrap up some of my chores for the evening before I head back to bed. I'm surpised I don't have bed sores!
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