Friday, September 12, 2014
I posted a blog a few weeks ago about our participation in the local Walk to End Alzheimer's. So far our team has raised $1455.00 to help in the research to find a cure for Alzheimer's. My mom passed away on Tuesday 9-9-14...but we will definitely still be walking. We aim to help all families, not just ours. No one should have to deal with the pain associated with a loved one having this tragic disease. This is our team page. Feel free to donate if you can spare a dollar or two. If not, please put our family, or all families suffering from Alzheimer's on your prayer list.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
I'm not sure what to do...so I'm going to blog. I've been running errands for 13 hours straight today.... and have just now gotten the chance to sit. But, now that I sit, grief is hitting me hard.
As many of you know, my mom, age 54 was diagnosed with Early On-Set Alzheimers 3 years ago. She was the sweetest, goofiest, most beautiful, most fun mom and wife ever. Her health deteriorated quickly. (They found out she has a genetic defect that they assume all her kids have as well, but we couldn't afford the testing, and that is why it advanced so quickly.)
LONG LONG story short....after a time of being able to walk, but no more than a shuffle... she ended up completely bedridden, quite suddenly. For four days my Dad, sisters and I laid in bed with her in shifts 24/7. Being the only one capable, I was the one in charge of shifting her to avoid bed sores, changing all her diapers and given her the baths. It was a beautiful privilege, although incredibly sad, to be able to care for her like this. It was never a chore. It was never gross. It was just beautiful and an honor.
As of Friday, she was taken off all food and liquids (even liquid meds) because she choked on everything....even saliva. It was heartbreaking to see her like that...comatose, eyes staring off at nothing, with very labored breathing.
Monday ( yesterday) we noticed her breathing more shallow than before. Instead of taking shifts, all four of us squeezed into bed to lay with her and hold her....letting her know she was surrounded with love. For several minutes, she gasped for breath. I watched my grandmother die the exact same way, but I was so much closer to my mom. I have never watched anything so difficult in my life. Utterly heartbreaking to watch one of the people you loved most in the world gasping for breath and unable to breathe.
After a few minutes, she passed. My mom is gone. I watched the coroner come, bag her up and take her away. Because she is being cremated...I will NEVER see my mom again. I know people lose their parents much younger than me...but right now all I can think about is myself and my family. I am 30...and will never see my mom again. My husband never got to know how cool she was. My niece never got to know her. My Dad lost his best friend. She's just gone.
I cannot even express the hurt and pain. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. When Im not bawling...I'm just numb.
Today we did all the funeral planning. .... I just want my mom back. I want her to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.
I know it will be alright. I try my best to know she is in heaven...running, and playing, laughing and REMEMBERING things. But I miss her. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is her gasping for her last few breaths....and the stabbing pain in my chest returns. Time will make things easier.... but........ just.....
My beautiful Mom! July 2000
So pretty. 1998?
She loved hiking...that's where I got it from. Hiking in Colorado July 2000
She was soooo goofy. Also where I got that from. Christmas 2006
Christmas 2008. Older sister (blonde), Younger sister (black hair), Me, My Mom
Friday, September 05, 2014
My mom has been in home hospice care for 3 weeks now....steadily declining. She stopped breathing for a bit over night...but began again on her own. She eats about 100 calories a day...and drinks no more than a few ounces. It's heart wrenching. She's also been choking on everything lately too. We know it would be better for her if she just passed....but we aren't ready to lose her. (Not that anyone is ever ready to lose a loved one...)
Because apparently this isnt enough stress for us.... my sister began abusing prescription drugs again...heavily. We noticed it about a week ago. She sleeps ALL DAY (literally.) When she's "awake" her eyes are basically closed, and she slurs and mumbles so bad that no one can understand her. She has no recollection of conversations or anything that has happened. (went grocery shopping one evening, then went the next morning and bought all the exact same items again, cuz she had no idea she'd gone the night before.) Thankfully she lives with my parents, so when Im at work, my dad has been watching her daughter.
But to make matters worse....she stole my mom's valium. She stole my DYING MOTHER'S drugs. WHO DOES THAT?!?!? So pissed off. She will not admit she has any kind of problem. She just gets pissed and goes into self pity/woe is me/everyone hates me mode whenever anyone brings it up. Sooooooooooo annoyed,.
Older sister went and had more testing done and it turns out the Lupus is now affecting her heart in addition to a bunch of other stuff. Sad to see her like this.
I lost my car key last week. Not sure how. I went to get in my car last week, took my keys out and noticed my car key wasnt there. How does just ONE key fall off my key ring?! Looked everywhere for it. EVERYWHERE. So I've been using my valet key since then.
Well this morning I went out to my car to go to work, I noticed something odd about my car. Apparently, someone is messing with me. One of the car windows was wide open. (Which I know I didn't do because I went out last evening specifically to close the windows because rain was coming.) Plus the stereo was set to radio, rather than CD ...and I NEVER listen to the radio. ONLY CDs. CREEPY!
So....working with the car dealership to disable the lost key fob.
Yesterday in the mail we got a letter written to my dad, both my sisters and myself from my grandparents. They do NOT want my mom cremated....though SHE herself had decided upon that LONG before she got sick. They dont want her buried where SHE chose to be buried (her ashes would be buried with my dad when he passes.) They are trying to guilt us and even bribe us (offering to pay for the whole funeral to change our minds) to do what THEY want. They are trying to tell us it is unbiblical and sinful and disrespectful to cremate someone. Grr! I think it's a bit more disrespectful to change all of someone's post-mortem wishes just because it's what YOU want.
I just want some peace.
On a side note, is it an employer's business if someone does exactly the opposite of their intent as an employee...if it's non-business hours.
For example... a counselor in a rehab facility that does drugs outside of work. Hypocrisy to the max... but they are good at their job. Is it the employers business to know that?
Or a dietician that eats only sugary food and garbage ....
Or a pediatric therapist that bullies people....
Or a personal stylist that only dresses in sweats. ...
Or a cop that speeds and does drugs off duty...
See where Im going with this? I'd seen a pin on Pinterest regarding this issue and it got me to thinking.
On the plus side, I realized that DH didnt have a gig this weekend so I booked a last minute camping trip Fri-Sun!!! Woohoo! (Booked it only an hour away so if something happens with mom we are close by.)
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
August 29th is our "Corn-Roastaversary." We met at church. And August 29th, 2009 was the first time we spoke outside of church; We went out to lunch. We've been inseparable since then.
This man changed my life. I love him more than I ever knew possible. He is a strong Christian man. A loving father. A doting husband. A perfect best friend.
It's been 5 years, some ups and downs, a sadistic nutcase trying her best (and failing) to tear us apart, lots of health issues, and we are still going strong. (Quite SOLID, if you will. But, for real...) After 5 years I still get butterflies when I see him. He still texts me everyday just to say "I love you." I still grin when I get the chance to see him at night. We talk about anything and everything.
This may sound arrogant...but I actually believe we are the best couple ever! I literally think no one out there is as perfectly matched and happy as we are. (Arrogant? Perhaps... but I truly feel that way!)
Seriously...I just love this man!!!!! So happy Anniversary to us! After dating for over 4 years, he proposed and we got married this past April. Can't wait to keep spending forever with him!
Our first hiking/camping trip together.
New Years Eve 2009
Camping Penninsula State Park April 2010. We do a lot of awesome camping trips!
Relaxing in the hammock together. We can be doing everything or nothing...and just be happy together.
We are awesome hiking partners!
Devil's Lake... "Our" Place.
Wonderful father. I love watching him with his girl. So beautiful!
This is how we are....often.
Just love this man!
After hiking through a severe thunderstorm! 2011
Back at Devil's Lake!
Marine Corps Birthday Ball Oct 2011. Handsome man, eh?!
I'm not kidding when I say we do awesome stuff together!
Relaxing time at the beach!
We are avid hikiers...even hiking in sub-freezing temps.
I married my best friend.
This picture is one of my faves. It is perfectly us. Just laughing and having a great time!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
I've felt like blogging all day...but not sure why or what about.
We've gotten my mom set up with home hospice care. Post-Mortem arrangements will be made tomorrow, since the hospice nurse advised us to get this done sooner rather than later, because mom could leave us any time now. I can't fathom this.
I haven't been crying. I am a hugely emotional person, and I haven't been crying. I know this is a bad sign...but I don't know what else to do. I feel like if I start crying...I won't ever stop. I've distanced myself from the reality that my mom is going to die soon. I take care of her and see her and watch her.... it hurts so badly, but I just try not to think about it.
(Yes, I should really get back to counselnig, but.... I don't want to.... I don't want to talk about it. I don't *want* to think about it.)
I went out to lunch with my bff/spiritual mentor last week. She is the only person, aside from my husband, that knows everything (everything) I've gone through recently.
After getting the recap on my mom, she asked how things have been with Josiah (DH.) I told her we were happy as ever, with the lame smile I get whenever I think about him. (I still feel about him the same I did 5 years ago.... just happy as ever, every moment I see him! I still get those happy little butterflies.)
She asked if we were getting much time together. It was only then that I realized, apparently not! Thinking about it...as newlyweds, we should be spending a lot of time together, just the two of us. But truth-be-told, other than a quick meal, or driving some place together, we don't spend alone time together.
He is a *busy* man. He works at his "day job" at least 50 hours a week. He is in a popular local band and has practice once or twice a week in a city 45 minutes away. He has at least one (sometimes up to four) shows each weekend. The band has also been traveling out of state for bigger gigs as well.
When he isn't doing that, he is with his daughter. And don't get me wrong, I Love spending time together as a family, no doubt. But I realize that I have a deep ache...missing him. We live together, and 'see' each other most days...but usually just in passing.
This needs to be rectified...but at the moment, I don't see how it's possible.
~ He loves his band, music is super important to him, and he is amazingly talented. I wouldn't want to ask him to leave it. I love watching him perform (on the rare opportunity that they have a local show.) The band isn't the problem.
~I've been spending most of my free time at my parents' house helping my mom and dad out. Mom cant walk, eat, go to the bathroom at all on her own, so in addition to the nurses we have coming, we do it all for her.
~ We have his duaghter 3 days a week...and that won't be changing. We love her and I would NEVER sacrifice his time with her for time with me. He is a wonderful father and she adores him. Like I said, family time together is great, but it isn't the same as alone time together.
~Work is work...we need the money to pay the bills. (The ever-escalating medical bills...)
~We also have a friend we visit once a week who fractured his spine last year and is now a paraplegic. All his friends basically ditched him and we are the only ones that visit him anymore. So that will NOT be removed from our calendar!
So.... for now...we'll just have to go on "missing" each other.
So much rambling....about nothing, *sigh*. Sorry about that!
I've still been doing the yoga a few times a week. not sure if it's been helping the headaches much or not...but I have actually been enjoying it. The kiddos do it with me too when they are there. My weight has been steady...some days I hardly eat anything...too much stress and depression. Some days I eat waaaaaaaay too much...too much stress and depression,. But, that's been keeping my weight steady...so I won't complain. (Not that I care much about my weight right now anyways...)
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