Friday, April 11, 2014
I'm really tired of cycling back again, but I am going to keep writing about it and keep trying. I had another three weeks of abstention from sugar and I am on day three of another lapse. I wasn't losing any weight despite sticking to the plan. I guess I was overeating, but usually it still works. Maybe I have cycled back and forth too many times and my metabolism is messed up. Maybe the stress from my job messes up my metabolism.
I also started an antidepressant (Celexa). I wasn't even on a therapeutic dose, but I had major side effects of fatigue. I only made it to the gym once in the past long while. It was a real struggle. I have been barely wanting to get up and circle the classroom when students are working. The lack of energy is affecting my job and relationships. I could literally sleep and sleep and sleep. While I've always loved sleeping, this NEED for sleep was not a symptom of my depression. Anyway, I changed meds yesterday to Zoloft. I have done a lot of reading against anti-depressants, so it's hard for me to go into this with an open mind. I certainly have a propensity towards believing that the pharmaceutical are just multi-billion dollar enterprises. I also feel to some extent that it's just a cop out for true therapy. I mean, I love my current therapist, which is great. I've never been able to say that throughout my years trying it. I just don't know how the psychiatrist. I mean, they don't even know why antidepressants work. I know that depression legitimately runs in my family. I know that my eating is disordered. It is just hard to suffer from something so invisible to much of the world. My boyfriend and his father strongly believe that it is all in your mind. Part of me believes that, too, and I'm harder on myself because of that reason.
I mean, other than these symptoms, I have been slacking on "true therapy." My meeting attendance has been way down. I have been calling my sponsor less. I have not been working on my step in two weeks. I know these things have a positive effect on my well being.
I have been making jokes that are not funny to the ones they affect, a clear sign of my spiritual state...especially when they are directed at sixth graders. I'm pretty sure that's when my depression started. I need to be kind to them.
I took tomorrow off so I can try to be good to myself. I also have a bag of steamed broccoli for lunch. Maybe that will help me get on track since I ate two muffins, strawberry oatmeal, and almonds for breakfast.
Oh and I have the Warrior Dash at the end of May, so I really need to find a way to find the energy to get moving and train. If Zoloft has the same effect on me, then I am just going to give up on the antidepressants because I cannot live in a foggy fatigue all the time. I'd rather be sad.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
So I made it nearly a month without sugar or grains, but then I caved on Saturday and had a four day relapse of bad eating. Unfortunately that short relapse cost me a six pound weight gain. I am on day two back on track.
I am eating a ketogenic diet. I am going to try to use the tracker so I can keep my macros proportional.
Why does food have to be so delicious? :)
Sunday, February 16, 2014
I am feeling really terrible emotionally. I am on day one without sugar. I am facebook accountable (since apparently trying to stay accountable on here doesn't seem to work well). I declared that I was on day one without sugar. Hopefully the public aspect of that will help me stay on track because my life got super unmanageable. Mikey bought me a ton of chocolate for Valentine's day and I ate it all within 24 hours. I was shaking and convinced I had diabetes, but still kept eating. What the f!
Anyway, I declared that today was day one, and I'm sticking to it, even though I feel miserable. I am so so so sooooooooo down, worst ever. I have vacation this week from school and I still have so much to do. I hate sounding like a big pity party, but I just have never felt this low.
I weighed myself and I gained 30 pounds since I got off track...in such a short period of time, too.
Whatever. I'm back. One day at a time. Here we go.
Friday, January 31, 2014
So yesterday didn't go exactly as planned, but I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I did binge in the evening and I only stayed on the treadmill for about fifteen minutes. I woke up feeling a little better this morning, but then I suddenly got a crazy case of the blues midday. I am seeing a psychiatrist in three weeks to consider medication. I have never taken medication for depression before because I have always wanted to go the natural way, but it's also negatively impacting so many areas of my life that I'm finally going to give it a try. Perhaps, it will help me stabilize the moods that send me in the pattern of binging.
I was just in the teacher's lounge feeling overwhelmed and lousy. There was pizza and Chinese candies. I wanted to feel better, but I said out loud that it wasn't worth it, got a cup of water and came back to my classroom to write this. I feel very proud of myself for accomplishing that.
My therapist suggested that I make little rewards for myself for going to the gym. Unfortunately, due to my tight budget (I'm saving for a down payment on a house), I can't really do this. Truthfully, food is the only "reward" I could think of also. I finally resolved that I would dip into the budget to pay for a yoga class after a couple practice sessions at home. Mikey offered to pay when he heard that. Both he and my therapist believe my real problem is congestion of the mind (my words - not there.) They think I need to meditate desperately.
I did dip into the budget today to purchase a groupon for one of those painting nights that are popular (apparently) right now. It was my first time hearing about it, but I really want to do something like that, so I went ahead and made the purchase. I really need to stick to my budget though. Rawr.
Anyway, I am going to stay positive about getting on the right path. I'm glad I'm giving myself time to adjust back to healthy living.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
I think I've finally had enough. I have gained 30 pounds since September. Most of my work pants have been folding over because of my round midsection. I have not been to the gym since early December.
I posted something on Facebook about needing to go to sugar rehab, and got all this feedback and advice, which I wasn't really asking for, but I guess that's what happens when you post something on social media. The fact of the matter is, I know what I need to do. I just haven't been very willing. The false, temporary comfort of sweets has had its allure, and I just wanted to stay there.
I just don't want to keep on this path. I sent some message to Mikey last night about it, and he suggested we go to the gym tonight. I have my clothes packed. This is more than I can say I've done in months. I truly think that if I stay away from sugar today that I can make it. Sugar really is my down fall. I have a little, and I can't seem to control what happens next. It must be the addict in me. I guess it's time to buck up and learn to live with that truth. Most people struggle with sugar, so it's not like I'm alone, but the roller coaster ride has been ridiculous.
Whole grains and fruits don't even seem to work because I have been trying to do just that... I don't know. I am just sticking to sugar right now. One thing at a time. I have some steel cut oats, so maybe that's an option. I just can't seem to help gorging on carbs when I eat them.
Perhaps with a little practice today, February will be a new start for me.
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