Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I have been off track for a week and a half. I bought groceries to eat well, and yet, I continue to eat other terrible snacks on top of the healthy stuff. The scale shows a steady increase in weight.
I am going to the gym today. I went on Saturday and did 5k in 35:12 which is my best time yet. Must've been all those donuts.
Sunday, December 01, 2013
Maybe it's a curse for me to post in this blog because I ran in to a couple of problems, and have cheated on the juice fast. First, my mom decided to stop her fast. I knew she wasn't in it for the long haul, so I don't know why I let that affect me.
Then, the juicer started overheating and freaking out. It is an old juicer with an old blade, and I think I'm being overzealous about what I choose to juice. It started to freak after cabbage, an apple, a beet, and a carrot. It smelled like it was overheating.
Anyway, so I decided to stop trying to but yams in it, and I cut them up like fries, coated them in olive oil, and put them in the oven. Then I ate a whole bowl and gave my mom a bowl, too.
It's not the worse thing in the world for me to eat, but it also broke my fasted state, which after three days is supposed to begin the healing process.
I will try again tomorrow and restart my fifteen day, as long as the juicer cooperates. I guess I don't have the coping mechanisms or the patience in place to deal with bumps along the road.
I do know one thing. I am not eating any of the refined wheat, sugary treats that tend to be in the teacher's lounge at work. I am not doing that all this week. I am sticking to whole foods, preferably juiced, this week.
Sunday, December 01, 2013
So I continued eating like a maniac for days on days. I have finally surrendered and began a juice fast with my mom. My long arching goal is to eventually complete sixty days, in line with Joe Cross' Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead; but I am doing the short term goals first. I am shooting for fifteen days right now.
It is nice to have a few days of success after having so many lapses over the last few months. I weighed myself one evening (likely weighted down with food) and the scale read 217, which means that I gained nearly 15 pounds.
I weighed myself upon starting the juice fast and the scale said I was 212. Now it says that I'm 207 (water weight).
I am also drinking kombucha, water, green and herbal tea (I know that caffeine is a toxin, but I am limiting it overall.)
I am occasionally allowing myself solid foods. On day one, we ran into issues with the juicer for example, so I ate some grapes and carrots to hold me over while we got that situated.
I also bought a couple avocados for the work week. It is hard to juice enough for the entire work day and I don't think it makes much sense for me to juice at work. I could, but cleaning the juicer would be a major hassle.
I ran a 5k yesterday. My time was 38:58, which wasn't bad considering I didn't train for it. I wasn't really able to because I had a dog bite on my leg which required that I rest. The only other 5k (without obstacles) that I did before was last spring and I couldn't run the entire thing and my time was 44:40.
Along with my juice fast, I'm doing a facebook fast. I have had a couple lapses for informational purposes, but I haven't done my usual time wasting scrolling. My goal is to stop stuffing myself with things outside of myself to find comfort within. I am trying to become more spiritually connected. I also want to do a better job at getting things done. (I have a major problem with procrastination.) Unfortunately, I am doing a bunch of last minute grading and planning right now after having four and a half days off. Hopefully, I will get better with time.
Those pictures are from my first 5k on June 29, 2013. I did it in 44:40 and was unable to run for over a mile. That was a week and a half into my weight loss journey with Spark People. I was approximately 227 pounds.
The above photo is from the 5k on November 30. I weighed about 212 pounds, did it in 38:58, and jogged the entire time. I took a bit over a month off from sparking. I may have blogged, but I was only talking about the problem, but not doing anything about it.
I hope I can beat my 5k time by another 5 minutes next race! Time to get back on track. I deserve to continue on a path to good health. I don't look healthy in the first picture. I look a bit healthier in the second, but I deserve to continue getting healthier, increase my endurance, lose excess weight, and stop polluting my body with processed crap.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I can't even look my parents in the eye. I am so ashamed about my eating and about their "jokes" about hiding food from me. That is what Tony said. He said it was just a joke, but he gently tried to say that I have a thing for provolone and he didn't want it to disappear. I can't even remember eating all his provolone. I must be in denial about my eating over the years. My mom looked at me like I was crazy when I denied eating their food.
I feel terrible. I have no will power in the evening. I can pray and plan in the beginning of the day, but after work, exhausting work, I just can't seem to make the right choices. I am so sick of whining about this! I can't stand to hear myself say the same things over and over. I hate crying about this same stupid thing which is my own damn fault.
I don't know what to do. I just don't. I do know that no matter how sick of hearing myself cry about this, that I need to find some way to get it under control because I can't keep gaining weight all my life and I can't eat terrible foods because I will die. My father died of an early heart attack (age 45). All this abstinence from sugar then loading up on sugar is going to make me diabetic. I know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I also feel like I feel like I am trying to give up - that part of me is just trying to lose all willingness and just throw in the towel after all these steps back, and I can't let that happen. I need to keep doing this because it is closer to living.
I am just tired and sad and stressed out by tons of things to do, and I don't want to look at my life through this lens, but I feel very overwhelmed and alone.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
So I have been continuing to struggle with food, but I think that these struggles are giving way to some breakthroughs. Every day, I am going to try to pray for the willingness to eat for nourishment and health, and not for gluttony and self harm. Today, I ate healthy options, and for that, I'm pleased, even if it was above my caloric needs. This is a process, not a destination.
We conquered the Spartan race yesterday! Admittedly, I did probably about half of the obstacles, either in number of reps or actual attempts, but I am pretty proud of the ones that I accomplished. I was able to do the Hercules Hoist, climb over walls (with help getting down), Medicine Balls slams, Water jug farmer's walk, running through Fenway with sandbags, burpees, etc. I need to work on upper body strength to be able to do better next time. I missed the 2 min limit 500 meter row by 30 meters! My team was great and we all really supported each other. It felt good.
I was going to do a 5k this morning, but arrived too late to register. I imagine my soreness from the Spartan will come tomorrow, so I wanted to do another one now. I am in the process of signing up for another 5k in a couple of weeks to keep my motivated to exercise through the winter months. Hopefully I'll make time to snowboard, too.
I also need to make time to do my stepwork. I am committing to a step a day in an effort to be done with the sixth step by New Year's.
I need to do this stuff for my mental health. I have been saying that I need to go to therapy to spare my boyfriend from all these breakdowns I have, but he finally looked at me yesterday and said that I deserve it for me, not for anyone else. That I deserve to sort through the pain of my past and really find some relief from it all. In particular, I had a blowout with my mother, who recently gossiped about my eating disorder. I just feel betrayed by her, but that is her nature. She loves to gossip. I can't change her, not even with gentle communication because I tried to tell her how I felt, but she completely freaked out and said hurtful things. It isn't worth trying again.
I need to continue saving money so we can make a down payment on a house within the next six months. I need to organize my time for teaching. Eating better will only benefit these other priorities because I will have more energy. I have had such low energy since I started eating unmanageably and poorly again. Tomorrow, I am going to have a cleansing day, drink some detox tea, green tea, almonds and lara bar for breakfast, have a Subway salad for lunch (since I haven't gone grocery shopping) and some eggs for dinner. I will probably have to do the same thing the following day since I don't have time between both jobs to go grocery shopping. Unless, maybe, I drive home and run to the grocery store with a backpack. That might be a good way to double up a work out and shopping so I can make smart choices.
This is written in a way to help me sort through some things, so I'm sorry if you were confused by my stream of conscious!
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