Sunday, March 06, 2011
ok.. this will not be the most positive blog... - so you can pass... (i just have to jolt down a few ideas)
ok... so... i had lost 20 lbs... started eating after comments on my weight (THAT next time i should be able to handle - so that's settled): MAN, I'M BACK TO INITIAL WEIGHT. So, from -20 to 0. As if, i HAD to be back to point 0. (it's ok, i can go back down, more like -30 next time (to goal), but just GRRRRRR maddening (and... so 'me': no gray, black or white, start at starting point again, not in between)
AND WHAT I DISCOVERED:
my 'easy' state (as in no effort), is no exercise, eating whatever i want, and eating my stress (and everything in between)
ever since my early teenage years, even childhood, i'd try to incorporate exercise (as in exercise like a mad woman) AND EVENTUALLY GO BACK (INERTIA) to nothing at all.
SO.. I NEED TO FIGHT INERTIA.
(and.. as i know a tiny bit about physics, once the potential energy is sort of transformed into kinetic energy - well.. you're moving, and when you start moving, and into the habit of moving, well... it's HARDER to stop, and easier to just keep going
i just believe have never gone to that point.
never gone to the point where 'hhhhaaaa!!! more energy either
i KNOW (in my brain) i have to start SLOWLY to not burn out, but, man, that is so not me. it's like all or nothing. but i'm going to try.
(i would also sooooo like to join a gym (i'll blog about it) - but want to take advantage of the membership if i pay (i LOVE the treadmill!!!) - so there is NO WAY i'm going to go for 10 minutes. (blog to follow)
if i can just fight inertia.
WONDERFUL WEEK TO ALL!!!!!
(i hope this wasn't depressing...)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Perhaps the title holds more promise.. than solutions...
What is holding you back or has held you back - and... in that last case is no longer holding you back????
i know SOMETHING or some THINGS are holding me back
i'm not too sure what they are
but they are, because when i'm close to my goal, i fall back.
ok... i DO tend to have a ALL or NOTHING attitude:
. i'd like everything done NOW
. i'd like the weight to be solved YESTERDAY
. when i have a BIG task to do, i'd like to complete it in a few hours
all these STRESS me... and stress, or unreachable expectations, makes me eat, still. Bummer
things i DON'T feel like doing: haunt me, grrrrr me... - and somehow, i find it hard to make myself DO them, just get RID of them (because i see then as all or nothing BIG) - and get upset at myself when i don't
perhaps i should break everything down. every thing that has to be done
and allow down time.
and for what's holding me back???
have you been faced with that??
i'll do a Spark search with this..
and i'm going to try BALANCE. a bit of everything INSTEAD of all or nothing
***** EDITED HERE ********
While i was searching the 'what is holding you back' on Spark....
i 'may' have had a EUREKA moment... for me..
i don't know if it's going to be that helpful for Sparkpeople.. (because it may really not concern many people...)
I don't know if you remember Oprah's 'LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE'
Well... a. i LOOOOOOOVE Oprah... and b. i was brought up Catholic - and in my upbringing, it was like the OPPOSITE of the best life... as in:
think SMALL. Ok, think SMALLER. no, even smaller. is that truly the smallest you can think of? Well then, THAT is what you deserve, and be GRATEFUL for it. end of story.
i'm sure it has evolved (i much much adhere (and practice) loving fellow men, but not in a church going kind of way; in a daily life, and prayers going to bed, kind of way, so it may have evolved TREMENDOUSLY in church now, but, for me, from my chidhood memories, it perhaps may have been entrenched in my unconscious.
Honestly, i think i hit something there, because I CAN'T STOP SMILING since i've thought of that
Because, i DO believe we can ALL have ALL. I don't think there is limited amount of happiness available, or love, or dreams. But even if my WORDS and HEART think that, something was clearly holding me back.. and this may have been it...
I may just had my own Oprah AH-HA kind of moment :)
(i think Spark is opening me up :)
**** edit to the edit***
you may not believe me... but... i feel guilty... for the edit... (so i'm really onto something) (i'm afraid i'll be judged....)
ok, so i think i'm done w the edits :) (NO WONDER i don't blog more often lol :)))
have a nice w-e all! :)
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
I have had a few days off... - and have spent SOOOOO much time on Sparks, as odd as it may seem, it sorta made me loose FOCUS. AND it's been like a SWIRL - and... for me, swirls.. pretty close to STRESS... ohhh.. don't do well with stress (as in EAT - no good :) )
As mentioned in my intro, i'm not that bad losing (i can always learn - but i'd say,for me, it's pretty much exercise and eating well - hmmm.. am i on to something?!? :)
My main 'obstacles':
- starting again (it's like battling against inertia - of COURSE it's easier to eat non stop and not move: it is HAPPIER?!? - HA! i need to write that on a card!
- ONCE A TARGET OR NEAR TARGET: ************** dealing with COMMENTS!!!!!!! ***** (are you eating, etc, etc, etc; i've read 2 AMAZING blogs on that subject (& i'm sure there are many more!): one by Fit-Whit, one by Leslies537 - i'm sooo happy about that - for ONCE i think i'll be more equipped and will FINALLY learn to DEAL with it (HELLO - ***WITHOUT** destroying me!!)
MY RECENT PRE-SPARKS HISTORY
- Dropped 20 lbs from July to December 20th 2010
- DECEMBER 20th: MAN, PARTY, comments.... (does she eat, does she have a worm, etc, etc, etc - i was so ill prepared and hurt - i ATE; i'll SHOW them i eat (i was eating, but well, NOT after that party)
Conclusion??! Pretty much eat-eat-eat since - 15 lbs gained from December 20th to now
MY INITIAL SPARK GOALS
When i 1st joined, i thought: i'll go back to the December 20th weight and THEN start counting the weight loss.
But that's pretty much like punishing me - and i've punished myself enough. It's been 1 month + since Dec 20th, so that weight is pretty much part of me now... so....
MY NOW SPARK GOALS
Step 1: lose 20 lbs (which really shows on me - my thighs are so-so grateful and more dream me with 20 lbs less)
step 2: lose another 10-20 lbs more (that's like the finishing touch - to my not perfect but pretty close to my best me, according to ME :)
STEP 3: MAINTAIN!!!!!!!!!!! And THAT'S my biggest challenge!!!!! - all the comments slidding on my back.. THAT is when i'll MOST need Spark i think - no, i KNOW
Meanwhile.. i'll chill a bit. It's ****OK*** if i don't spin a wheel every day. That's not what my journey is about.
MY JOURNEY.. (and hopefully DESTINATION :)
- to be soooooooooooo comfortable in my body - no shame. Fit, toned, vibrant, alive, healthy
- to be HAPPY - 90% of the time (the other 10% is to fully enjoy that 90%)
- to be an OPTIMIST - or to discover myself as such (the perception of those who know me well is that i am; MY perception of myself is sooo not that (but then again, i had a twisted past - so... that's part of the journey - seeing myself as i AM - not as others lead me to believe (ok, parents - surely non-intentionally - so non-intention, should NOT make me suffer now them - thus adjusting my self perceptions, to suit me, happy self-loving me :)
- CONTRIBUTE!!! - to make the world better, to share what i learn, to help other, to soothe others, contribute to THEIR growths.. who in turn can contribute... - and make.. the world better :)
Monday, January 31, 2011
I have been SO enjoying my Spark discovering... (as i was telling both a friend and another Sparkie, I feel like when i 1st discovered internet - going for HOURS from link to link to link, and thinking HOW did i get here?? (and WHAT time is it?!?!)
I read Sparkpages that inspire me (MANY), posts i relate to, posts i soooo wish i would have had the words to say ... and i am inspired by young women getting it, sooo young as in WOW!!!
(man, there are some things i would have like to 'get' in my early teens... - but better late than never :) - and seeing such inspiration, i truly feel ANYTHING is possible, in MANY aspects of our lives - because perhaps it all starts with how we treat our bodies (thus ourselves)
ok... are you thinking: helllo?!?!? - do you have a point???... and what's the link with the title....
YEP!!! POINT!!! I saved a Spark person... - after seeing a few of her blog entries: her words, her status, hit so close to home, to feelings i have so felt, many times, since my teenage years. I must say that at 1st, i resisted, because i thought i KNOW those, i want to pull AWAY, but, for some reason, i'd see another comment of hers, her picture, back on her page........ and... (ok, corny, i believe there are no coincidences in life: life speaks to us (like i heard Michael Pollan's name twice in the past 2 days; i googled him today (ohhh... just share ONE of his rules: the whiter the bread, the closer to your death bed (ok, maybe not totally exactly worded that way, but it made me smile and i LOVE smiling!!)
ok... the inspiring Spark person: she (as I) struggle with emotional/binge eating. In my case, i think since i'm maybe 13 years old.
And i DID save her.
I emailed her (well basically so she's not creeped out that i saved her... - so to explain...). At 1st I explained at length (well.. from the length of this entry, i'm sure you don't doubt my word :)))) ) BUT i erased: i thought... a. i don't want to depress her.. and b. why would she care - so i kept it really short (so if she is reading - yep, if you thought THAT was long, you should have seen the 1st draft!!!!! :) )
and she ANSWERED.
I don't have her answer in front of me, but basically it was that, by sharing, by meeting other Spark people, it gave her the knowledge and strength to know that she was not alone in her struggles - ok, i just went back to look at her answer to get the EXACT wording, because it contributed to a AH-HA moment for ME....... if it can for anyone else... she said something like not alone with 'crazy eating'
When i received her answer, something clicked.
I could not word it right away.
It was NOT that i knew i was not alone - there are WAY too many books on the subject.
BUT AT THAT MOMENT, I REALIZED THAT I HAD ALWAYS BEEN ASHAMED of it (i felt it, but didn't WORD it)
i've eaten stress/emotions/anger you name it, since i'm say 13.
did i choose it??
i think i didn't have WORDS to express many of the things i was feeling
i know that in my family, you expressed happy good feelings, ANGER was outlawed. But.. anger.... is NORMAL... - sooooo.. if you can't express it... what do you do?? (MAN I ***** WISH***** my answer would have been: YOU RUN MARATHONS, but i ate (i learned that in a student exchange - WHAT a lesson hey??? - and am i a good student or what?!?!? STILL doing it...
i am certainly more sensitive than many - i am affected by people's bad moods, people's emotions..; i don't want to disappoint, don't want to cause any discomfort, don't want to - WHAT a prison!!! (and how much food!!!)
stress?? eat (and.. honestly, in that case, i have to say, the reflex is SOOO entrenched that i don't even VERBALIZE the stress, i feel the hunger (crazy hey??)
so my answer has been food.
because i was following the rules. not rocking the boat.
but the whole time, i felt ashamed
for following the rules - but that's what i ALWAYS do, follow rules, don't rock the boat, swallow (litteraly)
so perhaps, somewhere inside of me
i was not being true to me
I don't want to bury me anymore
Even if i don't yet have the tools, to SAY everything i feel
(one could say i am a bitch in the making :))) (kidding!! :) )
could i have done things differently??
honestly, i've always been so afraid of confrontation, i don't think so.
especially very young
i think i feel up to the challenge (it's reallllly something for me just to be expressing my opinion in comments on blog pages.... (crazy...)
as for the shame???
it's the 1st time i've put a word on it
(just to give you an idea - i had brought a book to work to read during lunch hour, and i had REMOVED THE SLIPCOVER so that people would not know what it's about (the book is called 'Spark' - KIDDING!!!!!!!! :))) - (I think it was the solution, never diet again
but so what if someone saw????
but that's shame.
after putting a word on it - i don't know what happened inside
it was like silence
it's what like I had put a word on this prison
you know how they say, release a secret and it will set you free??
in that silence i thought
Would i have felt ashamed if i had A.D.D.???
Would i have felt ashamed - i don't know, you get the picture
No. I would have accepted it, dealt with it to make the most of it, and move on, move on with life.
And... at that moment, i think i moved from shame to acceptance
i do binge/eat emotionally
i am sensitive, i've put OTHERS' feelings and welfare before my own, i don't know or am shy/afraid to say things
i acknowledge that (i could difficultly deny it, heck i've been doing it for so long)
i acknowledge it.
that being said, is that the only way
i has been for me
but it's been SUCH a painful journey - it CAN'T be the only way
it would be difficult to read with dyslexia. i would acknowledge it, and have to learn new ways (wow, that would be difficult for me - i sooooo enjoy reading)
same way. i acknowledge.
and i want new ways
ways that will empower me, not belittle me
ways that may cause discomfort in others, but i am not responsible for all and everything
and their discomfort may not even be that great or even exist!!! (and if it's THAT great - they'll always be able to eat it out :))))))) - no, honestly THEY'll figure it out. Not me.
Embracing that part of me instead of disowning it, has either made me feel stronger, or more loving of myself. One way or another, i do seem to feel stronger.
It's not longer shameful
it's just me
Ok, so seems like my journey is now done (KIDDING!!!!!!!!!! :) )
it's just continuing... like life :)
AND... i have read in so many places about the '100 days' - i think it may continue... with a 100 days tomorrow... on a few things (because, in my case, honestly the '21 days' theory to set a habit - not happening... but 100??? - 100 could very well be my 21 :)
thanks for reading (at this point, i am basically talking to myself :))) )
a nice evening all... with snow and all...
Monday, January 17, 2011
YAY!!! i'm sooo happy!!! i get to BLOG!!!! - Today's 1 day challenge Sparkteam is to BLOG!! :) (being new to Sparkpeople.. at 1st i was blogging every day - essentially because i really like it), but as the days passed and i kept reading and reading on the site, i discovered the journal.. and was seeing the best blog awards, and they were so WOW that i thought perhaps we can just blog when we have something meaningful and insightful to say - so i haven't blogged since!
Seeing the 1day challenge, gave me permission!!! And by reading the description, i think we're allowed to blog, anytime, about anything.. so i'll come back to my 1st days habits :) (mainly because i can never remember where the Journal is and spend some much time looking for it....
ok... 1st wk or so: conclusions??
i was sooooooooooo hungry this wk!!!!! always overboard on my range (EXCEPT the day it was a challenge on the 1day challenge (i take those really seriously :) - and today. But other days, a. i NEVER thought i ate so many calories... and b. i thought i'll NEVER be able to be in range.. and be able to function...
but... today.. perhaps EUREKA: my periods started - YAY!!!!!! (not as in not pregnant, and in I SHOULD STOP CRAVING CHOCOLATE and being ravenous for anything under the sun - PMS is a true nightmare for me - i'll try to better prepare next month (Spark style)
- started! :) (most essential i'd say - i find i've changed - more focused, more goal oriented, more active (as opposite to say, postponing)
- ordered the Spark book, and 2 Spark dvd's (the book... actually before the paperback offer was out, but totally ok, i plan on buying that magazine- it seems amazing!! filled with tips, and i can NEVER have too many of those!!
- learned that cardio rhymes with perspiration (duh, i know, but hadn't realized, or forgotten - read that from Coach Nicole - maybe on the Stress Busting Challenge - a revelation to me. And i'm always so TIRED, and could not understand how people could say that exercise gave them ENERGY - those people must give themselves during work-outs, i was 'preserving' myself, because i had so little energy to start with, i didn't want to lose the little i had
Coincidence, or effect of all the vitamins i've been taking for 2 wks: the DAY i gave it all i had for 30 minutes (yep, yet another 1-day challenge :) ) that very SAME DAY, i felt more energetic: WOW!!!!!
- also realized i eat way a lot of calories, way overboard on carbs, and didn't know there are carbs like in everything?? - not just in bread.... And on the subjects of calories, MEASURING instead of eying, eye opener: my eyes double what a measuring cup measures.. hmmm...
- lastly, having learned about my calorie intake, doing the reports also every day - i learned. I must say that having a slow internet connection, entering everything has been VERY time consuming, and i was cutting on things i maybe should not have cut (like strength training and my little yoga routine, hello, not good - but my plans for the week to come... :)
WEEK TO COME...
- i'd like, if possible, fill goals + on my SparkPage - this wk or nxt
- recup my usual routine (for strength training and little yoga routine) - because i love both, and they make me feel good
- that being said, something's gotta give: i decided a. not to OBCESS with food intake (i was hungry on saturday and binged on sunday, so, for now, hunger to cut calories does not work for me - for now); INSTEAD, i'll activate the meal plan, look at the mealplan each morning, as a guideline, to LEARN how to eat. I'll gage myself, but will not enter everything, for now
-i'd like to tackle SOME clutter each day - some, not all, some.
- i'll try to go outside (as in walk) 5 times
I'll see how all that will go
oh yes, and i'll blog at will :) (EVEN if i don't have anything profound to say :)
UPDATE DAY 1 OF WK TO COME
- tackled SOME clutter (AND didn't beat myself up because i didn't do it ALL)
- made impressive food decisions (what i initially wanted, and what i ended up choosing)
- DID my strength training and little yoga routine: YAY!!
- i went OVER the 8 glasses water!!!!!! (which is reallly a WOW for me- i think i was able to meet the 8 glasses ONCE last week...
- i took my vitamins :)
- i went outside.. walked instead of taking the subway, to go and come back - a total of 60 min!! And, special perk, my boyfriend came with me :) - the BEST perk
- oh... and i was just tooooo curious: i entered my food intake, i HAD to know: I WAS IN RANGE!!!! for E-VE-RY-THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - no under or overboard: YAY!!! -and even had chocolate milk this morning, a breaded fish stick at lunch, and ENJOYED everything: no guilt, no down on myself - but the little decisions i made throughout the day made it happen
So it COULD really be the little steps
a change of lifestyle
ok.. this was long (because it's been a week :)
A *****GREAT***** WK TO E-VE-RY-ONE!!!!!
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