Thursday, October 31, 2013
I've been away for awhile and had some ups and downs. I'm back and continuing my healthy life. Because I don't see being healthy as something I'm trying to do just for a weight goal, this is not a do over. This is just me realizing I've slipped from the life I want to live and I readjusted. This is what it is all about; what I will do for a lifetime. I now see each day as an opportunity to make good choices for my life.
I know that the motivation from those who are on the same journey is imperative and not having it can be fatal.
I know ultimately that no one can do this but me. I'm going back to being accountable to myself and interacting here on SP. I need this.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Well it took me by surprise; I had a conversation with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago about my intention to get back on track moving towards a healthy life and he was supportive and helpful. Of course that is how it should be but it has not always been that way. He has held the belief that me being fat (obese actually) is not a problem because that is simply my physical makeup. It is great that he can accept a wide range of physical characteristics in people but what he failed to see was the toll that my weight was taking on me physically. I am not sure what changed for him. We have argued and had times of heartfelt conversation about this topic over the years and until last week it really had not gotten to a place that was helpful for me. At times he has been contradictory, enabling, and outright hostile about my attempts to change. I know that part of that was just him not being in a position to understand what it is like to be overweight. He has never experienced this in any significant way for himself. He is one of those people who can pretty much eat what he wants and tends to stay within a 10 lb range. In the 8 years I have know him I have only once seen him at the top of that 10 lb range and the following week he had shrunk again (really, is that fair? :-). He also hates to exercise. I gave him a lot of grace because he really is a good person and we have been through a lot together but I thought this was going to be the issue that ended it. Then all of a sudden it is like he got smacked with a lightening bolt of understanding. When it comes to my weight, I don't need to be enabled, coddled, encouraged to make excuses, ignored, set up for failure, lied to, etc. I just need someone to function in reality with me. I can't eat all I want of whatever I want, whenever I want and I have to exercise....that is it period.
So we were on the phone and I was telling him I had just come from my doctor's office and my doctor basically listened to my usual excuses, then shrugged them off (well he's heard them a million times from me and others) and told me that I know what it is that I need to do and I need to do it. I agreed and he gave me some advice for my diet and said I need to exercise 30 minutes per day at least 3 times per week, no excuses. My BF's usual would have been to change the subject or say something about how he loves me just as I am. But not this day. On this day he agreed with my doctor and reiterated that I know what it is that I need to do and I just need to do it. And then he said 30 minutes out of an entire day is not that long. He said that even if I couldn't get through the 30 minutes in the beginning I should start with what I can do and build from there. He then talked about the resources I already have; a treadmill, work out DVDs, and the great outdoors where I could go walk for free. He then told me, "Baby, I know that you can do this." I was like--who is this guy? :-) I know that it is up to me. It is something that I must do for me but it sure feels good to finally have him in my corner as a support. I wasn't sure if this conversation was a fluke but he has continued to be supportive.
It may be too early for me to push for him to go to the gym with me. I have to give him time to grow into this healthy support role but who knows one day we might actually work out together. One step at a time.
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
I have been sidelined for a few months again. It is a pattern that is making me weary. I will be doing well, losing weight, staying focused and feeling good and then BAM an injury or illness will knock me down hard.
This time it was a knee injury. I know that I have issues with my knees and when they begin to complain I ease back in an attempt to let them heal. So I had been going through the knee issues but thought I was managing. I was going to they gym regularly and since my knees were complaining on a particular day, I got off the treadmill and got on the bike for a bit. I continued to have increased pain so I left the gym. Later that evening I was just walking and POP; my knee popped out of alignment. This is not a pain I can describe. Those who have runner's knee or something like that can relate. I can hear it and feel it and in the second I swear everything in my vision goes white like a sheet. I'm not prone to cussing as I prefer not to but I'm pretty sure what I said would not have been okay for me to say in front of my mom. :-)
That was the beginning of about 3-4 months of pain, aggravation, and weight gain. I lost all the progress I had made up to this point. I didn't intend it but sliding backwards happens so much faster and easier than moving forward.
I dug myself out of the mental hell of it all in April but have been unable to do hardly anything physical until the past week. My doc wants me to have more x -rays and meet with an ortho. I am thankful for doctors but it seems like they see more of my check than I do. And the list of pills and potions just gets longer and longer. I know that truth and the truth is that the majority of my health issues are due to obesity. And everything I'm taking is just treating a symptom. The cure is for me to lose weight and recover my health.
Watching my ticker show zero weight loss is quite unsettling.
For the past month I've been doing the best I can with diet and have begun to lose some of the weight. I've been doing a little walking and stretching. But I've only been lurking on SP, watching the game of life from the sidelines. Feeling very much like the 3rd string player wondering if I will ever get to play. I made a decision last night that I would get back in the game today. I set a plan for my eating today and my first targeted workout. Yes, I will protect the knees and work towards strengthening the muscles in my legs that keep everything held in place, but ultimately the best thing for life and my knee is to get the weight off in a healthy way and that includes moving to the best that I'm able. Ready or not world....I'm back in the game.
PS. I did 13 mins of a workout tape this morning. I didn't win the game, but I did play.
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