Thursday, November 14, 2013
I know, I've been gone for a long time now. I keep promising that I'll come back. I keep trying to find ways to motivate myself to do so.
Well, I've done a lot of thinking and planning the last few days.
I've thought about what's fitting in my life.
I've thought about what's literally not fitting.
I'm thinking about who and what I want to be.
And I hate to say that I feel like I've outgrown Spark - but, I'm thinking about where I want to put my energy. I'm thinking about what I need to do in order to get where I want to be.
I've taken a few first steps. Firstly, I deleted my Facebook. Secondly, I started a very cathartic blog. Thirdly, I'm making a budget. Finally, I'm setting up realistic expectations for what I want to be part of the turning 32. It's exciting and scary and vulnerable and -personal.- It has a completely different context than what this place has been for me. I wish I could bring myself to bring the energy of that space into this space; but, I don't want to focus upon weight loss and I feel like Spark boils down so many things for me just to that. And it's not just about that anymore.
If you're interested in seeing my droning (and right now, the first three posts are drones; but, the fourth is shaping up very nicely) - you can find me at:
Thank you for all the love and support over the last year or so. All of you are truly wonderful people. I wish all of you success in whatever form that holds meaning for you.
Much love and admiration,
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
You know what the hardest thing is about getting your lifestyle under control?
It's avoiding early burnout.
Pacing, as it turns out has it's place in all things - not just in running or racing. This week, I'm taking slow, careful steps into getting back into a healthier lifestyle. So far, I'd say I've kept up about half of what I need to be doing, and that's not too bad.
The things I want to do:
1. Run 3 -4 times a week
2. Eat healthy, properly portioned meals
3. Walk more
4. Establish a balanced routine
5. Incorporate new exercises into my life
Of those five things all of them are governed by number 4. Balance. How many times have I found myself too far to one end of the spectrum at the detriment of other things in my life? For example, yes, I can run five days a week if I choose; but, then my house in a nasty mess and I'm hardly present at work and I want to EAT ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME. Five days a week is too much.
Or, how about the time I discovered some DELICIOUS healthy recipes I could make and then proceeded to eat three times the serving size? No balance there.
Let's not even mention the time I biked so much that I got so tired of just LOOKING at the thing. Burnout = a picture of me charred to a crisp and ornery looking on top of a bike.
Balance requires not only attention and planning, but restraint for me. I have what I'll call an addictive personality. When I find something new and I'm excited I tend to jump into it with both feet - chewing it down and consuming it until I'm so full of it that it hurts. Sort of like how I watched the four and a half seasons of Breaking Bad in five days. Yeah, that kind of addiction.
So, I've been trying to ease into my activities of choice. I'm inching back into racing and running with the plan to do at most a race a month. I've packed my lunches and I'm trying to not get too bent out of shape when I forget them - this isn't routine yet. Lastly, instead of doing a run day AND an Insanity day - I'm picking one or the other, and it's okay to not feel ike doing either. There's a time to push and a time to relax.
I think balance is all about being careful and caring about yourself. About knowing that excess isn't going to give as much as just the right amount of something would. Last night I had all of these grand plans for this morning. I'd get up early! I'd take Jack for a walk! I'd get to work early! I'd have my packed lunch! I'd bring my workout clothes and go for a run after work! I'd be the best employee EVAR! I'd be AMAZING.
Well, I did get up early; but, I wound up just snuggling with Jack for an hour. Then I got to work on time; but, I did cajole myself into parking across the bridge. I had a healthy, tasteful breakfast (coffee and banana for the win) and I remembered my lunch I packed. I'm feeling rested and accomplished. I'm still Amazing. I've made good choices.
Sparkfriends, it's all about the lens you choose to view things through. I could have looked at missing my plans last night as a failure - instead, well, I'm happy with how I feel today. I'm happy I'm taking the steps I am instead of no steps at all.
Monday, October 28, 2013
It's been a long, long time SparkFriends - and I sincerely mean it wasn't you, it was me!
To put it simply, I thought I could just go ahead and maintain in the land of 185. I thought I could just be okay there. And then, like the ocean's waves erode at the shoreline my own careless behavior and inattentive demeanor definitely had effects upon the progress I made over the past year and a half. Like GIGA says - garbage in, garbage out. I'm not complaining, I mean, my actions (or inactions) are my own, but it's definitely where I've been.
So, where am I now?
Well, I'm reigning it all back in. Starts with food of course. Peeps, you would not believe it - I've actually cooked food for the entire week. And portioned it out. And I'm looking forward to eating it. Selections include: Broccoli cheese soup, various pastas and meat sauce, toasted almond and apple oatmeal, and chicken waiting for introduction to rice and peas. Today I failed a little at lunch by forgetting to bring it - but, I made a sensible (and tracked) choice instead. So, I'm feeling okay about where I stand at the moment.
In terms of exercise I'm getting back on the horse there, too. I spent something like two months using the excuse of being to busy, too hot, too whatever to get in my lunchtime runs. Well, I'm building my mileage up slowly. I've also been taking Jack for evening walks - which has helped him and me. Tonight I plan to walk the dog as well as get some quality time in with Insanity. Tomorrow is a run day.
This past weekend was the Terrifying 10k - I didn't have a very good time at it. I'm hoping to do better at this weekend's 10 miler. I just need to focus on how I'm feeling when I run, rather than thinking about keeping my reserves in check while I'm in the midst of it. Does that make sense?
Well, I'm just checking in today, I'm hoping to be a bit more active from now on.
I hope all of you have strategies to keep the garbage from coming in your lives! I'm working on getting to that point myself!
Monday, September 09, 2013
Well, guys, I'm here!
I haven't given up!
It's been a very, very busy last month for me. Mostly, I got to spend a lot of time with family and in front of a sewing machine. I spent five very magical days travelling to and enjoying DragonCon. I had a great trip. I've also been eaten by work. So, now that all of that is over and I have a moment to breathe I can finally let you guys know what I've been up to.
Last month there was my family reunion and a lot of time spent sewing a costume I didn't ultimately wear. The reunion was fine - I ate a lot of food - and it was nice to see family I don't see all too often. The sewing and abandoned costume were not that much fun.
It was rough - my Mom and I usually work on a costume together and this year, well, she abandoned me. It was rough. I mean, all I wanted was a little help or attention and all she wanted to do was play games on her Kindle. I literally felt like a five year old who was making too many demands. If I could go back and do it again I would have just sewed at home, I could have figured it out on my own :(
So, I ran out of time at the end of my Agent Hill dress and wound up abandoning it for the sake of my own sanity. It was tough. I know I could have worked harder; but, I was just so tired by the end of it that I decided I wanted to keep my sanity and forgo the chaos. I'm glad I did.
I had a great time at DragonCon - I totally had my first year without worrying how I looked in costumes. Sure, I wasn't AMAZING, and I didn't get tons of attention; but, I didn't mind. I felt confident and healthy. I wound up bringing Squirrel Girl, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek, Phoenix, and Claptrap. It was a nice time. I really have some awesome pictures that I'll post later.
So, what am I up to now? Well, I'm currently weighing in at 187. Which is frustrating. But, it's okay. Tonight I have plans for my first stab at five miles since my injury and I'm so excited. I can't wait to tackle a course I haven't done for a while tonight. My calories are at 1200 for today - and I haven't had dinner yet. I'll have to figure something out when I get home.
Oh! I ran the Liberty mile last month and I'm proud to say I've chopped 90 seconds off my mile time since last year. How awesome is that!
I updated my front page with my planned races. I have the EQT 10 miler hanging out there like a spectre - I really need to get my butt in gear for it!
I hope you guys have all been well. I'm so glad to finally have time to get back to the Spark :)
Friday, August 02, 2013
Good morning everyone.
I wanted to thank all of you for your kind words and supportive comments on my last blog. I think I should take one moment to clarify - I don't think that there is anything wrong AT ALL with people who want to compare their times and compete with one another. I, personally, am having an insecure, uncomfortable moment with it. It's MY issue. Do I think anyone in my running groups thinks less of me because I run slower than them? None of the ones I would consider friends and good people. I wanted to express in my blog how -I- felt about not being able to 'compete' with times that are far beyond anything I can ever hope for. That's all. It leaves me feeling inadequate, and like I said I don't expect people to stop competing because it makes -me- feel bad.
Because, really, it comes down to my being able to have pride in what I can do. I can run for three hours at a time, giving it my all. Can a person who runs a half marathon at a 6 minute mile pace do the same? Can they compete a marathon at that pace? Not many people can. So, I get my jollies off the fact that I'm running for a longer time - even if someone can cover the distance in half the amount of time :)
Now, onto another rant that I think I will save for another day. I happened upon the following on Facebook (Source: https://www.facebook.com/AdiposeActivist) yesterday:
Youíre fat. Get off your fat ass and get some exercise.
Okay, Iíd love to. Letís get some workout clothes!
Oh, we donít have your size. Fat people donít exercise so thereís no market for it. Have some menís sweatpants and a manís t-shirt.
What about my boobs?
We donít have sports bras for you either. Thereís a few specialty shops, if you want to spend hundred of dollars on a bra youíre going to sweat all over.
I guess Iíll just double-bra. Now, I need a gym membership.
Oh. Okay. I guess.
*dirty looks at fat woman* *makes a big deal out of sanitizing anything fat woman touches* *complains to gym about having to look at fat people* *generally treats fat woman like sh!t*
Iím not comfortable here at all. Maybe Iíll just go for a walk.
Hey, fatty! Donít crack the pavement!
*condescending* Oh, itís so great that youíre trying to lose weight.
Iím not. I just want to get in better shape.
But you have to lose weight! Youíre so unhealthy!
YET ANOTHER PASSER-BY:
Mooooo! Look at the cow!
Yeah. I donít think I want to be out here anymore. Maybe Iíll just buy some home exercise equipment.
SPORTING GOODS STORE:
Sorry. The weight limit on our equipment is 30 kilos less than you weigh. Youíll have to lose some weight if you want to exercise at home. Have you tried a gym? Or maybe just go for a walk?
Iím out of ideas.
Havenít you lost any weight yet? Fat people are so lazy.
I can't think of any better way to express my opinion on this post than how I did in the comments section:
I stumbled on this and while I completely understand where it's intentions lie (and there are kernels of truth within each of the examples) there is something to be said for having the strength to triumph over perceptions and our own self-doubt. When I weighed 230lbs I could relate with every single thing up there. So, I decided I wouldn't pay attention to the "moo's" and laughter and degradation. I took responsibility for what I wanted to do and I DID it. It was slow. It was painful. I got healthy. I'm still getting healthy. Sure, all of those very real situations suck - and they kill any positive feelings of empowerment people may be developing; but, it's up to the individual what they do with them. You find a way. You get an exercise DVD. You double up bras. You don't look 'cute' for a little while. You choose to remember that what you're doing isn't for anyone but yourself. You choose to love yourself - and in doing that you're able to make any changes you want to see. The negativity spread by posts like this one makes me very sad - and only reinforces people's thoughts that they will always be the way they are because no matter what society, industry, and their own self-talk tells them so.
I've been very ranty lately. I think it's all the time I have to sit around and think - and the lack of almost medatative activities I miss engaging in (like running and yoga and biking.) So, I'm cooped up in my own head - and it's not turning out to be the most positive experience.
Still, what do you guys think? Am I totally off base on my feelings on this particular post?
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