FRAGMENTEDANGEL   7,399
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knitting needles and tears

Friday, March 14, 2014

I've fallen off of the diet wagon. Fortunately my hard earnrd weight loss came along for the tumble. I yoyo a touch but remain at a fairly constant loss range of 25-28 lbs.

In the interim I've started teaching myself to knit. I'm far from being good at it. I drop stitches. I add stitches. I notice errors lines back and have to undo all of the work past that point and redo it. I'm loving it, mistakes and all. My knitting, like my life, is a work in progress.

The weight loss work stopped it's progress due to a few factors. One being that my primary goal of fitting into my wedding dress came to pass. The other is the big D word with an equally large societal stigma.

Depression. People treat it like a dirty word. It's taken me years, up until yesterday in fact, to actually admit it out loud. For years I internalized and fought it alone. I was so sure that I could tough it out without help and without medication. I was wrong. It's like a cancer. It seeps into every aspect of your life. It metastasizes. Depression runs deep into the roots of my family tree. My father was manic depressive. Sadly not only did he feel the lifelong brunt of mental health challenges (and the accompanying alcoholism) but he also bore the brunt of throat cancer. I lost my father 3 days before my 37th birthday, on November 22 of 2012. I still feel his loss so keenly that i am tearing up as i write this. I know now just how much that played into my own downward spiral. I've finally decided to face it and take back my life.

I will speak with my doctor.
I will speak with a counsellor.
I will begin exercising again.

I remember how well it elevated my mood. I was happier and felt a sense of accomplishment. I need that again. I will knit my life and my physical and mental health back together again. One knit and perl at a time. And in my downtime I'll make scarves. Perhaps one day i'll work my way up to sweaters.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ZRIE014 3/14/2014 1:05AM

  you know what you want to do

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Ups and downs

Sunday, May 26, 2013

I haven't been doing so well on the exercise front lately. Battling the 2nd lung infection in 5 months knocked alot of the wind from my sails. No pun intended, really. I've finally finished my meds and i'm starting to feel normal again. Physically anyway. I've been undergoing a bit of a confidence and identity crisis. I'm pretty sure it's a phase. I'm going through some fairly major changes in my life at the moment.

Plus side, i somehow managed to lose another 3 pounds this past week! I'm also noticing that my face looks thinner! 18 pounds so far. Definitely nothing to sneeze at.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALL-IS-AMAZING 5/28/2013 9:05AM

    Hope you are feeling 100% better soon. Congrats on the weight loss!

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LADYDREAMER13 5/26/2013 8:25PM

  I hope it continues to get better for you. I am having a hard time with the exercise but I do not have a good reason.

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Digging in the dirt

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Yesterday i decided that i'd use cleaning time to get some fitness in. I cranked the tunes, fired up the vacuum, and got busy. We have some heavy furniture! Unfortunately while cleaning my "trigger song" came on.

Early November of last year my sister, mother, and i undertook a 9 hour drive. My father had been diagnosed with throat cancer and was given 6 months. We wanted to make sure we had a chance to say our goodbyes. During the drive my sister had a wide variety of music playing, but one stuck in my head as THE trip song. Every time i hear it i get a flashback of the drive. The darkness surrounding us, the brief moments captured in the light of the rare oncoming cars, the road rolling up to meet us illuminated in the headlights, and the lines blurring until they were almost one. The song encapsulates the sorrow of the trip there and the melancholy of the return. It also always brings on a flashback of my final image of my father. Lying in the hospice bed, crying, because he KNEW we'd never see each other again.

My father passed away on November 22, 2012. A mere 3 days after my 37th birthday. I was in the middle of my preceptorship at the time (my final clinical for my nursing degree). So not only was i in the middle of something major in my life but i was planning a funeral from a distance, by email and phone. (plus my having my own family at home to care for-a fiance and 4 kids).

So i finished my vacuuming in tears. I needed something else to focus on. So i popped on my Kinect Zumba Core game and just lost myself in the music and movement. Once that was done i let the kids go insane outside while i dug up a weed infested section of garden, hand tilled the soil, created an edging out of large rocks....and planted some flower seeds. My daughter was so funny while i was doing it. She would hover and talk incessantly about all of the worms i was digging up. She wanted to hold them but was too afraid. I managed to get one into her hand and she shrieked. All in all it was a good way to focus myself on something else AND burn up some calories.

  


A little break

Monday, April 01, 2013

I get to escape the house and the children today. This is a very rare occurence indeed. I will be meeting with one of the friends i made in my LPN classes. We'll have a nice chat over coffee. and enjoy the sunshine. She's been increasing her physical activity as well so perhaps we can compare notes. She's a lovely lady who's a (young) grandparent, foster mom, and all around decent person. I'm very glad to have her in my life. I'll make sure to take my pedometer so i can at the very least log in my steps today.

I purchased a few dumbbells yesterday. 3 pounders. I know i use certain muscles alot, but i don't use them in the same way i would if lifting weights. I decided i should start small and work my way up. Last thing i need is an injury.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALL-IS-AMAZING 4/2/2013 8:01AM

    Hope you had a wonderful time!

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One of THOSE days

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

So much stress today. It's been so much worse than usual. There was a time this would have had me running for the fridge. sweets. and fatty greasy things. Instead i'm reaching for fruit. It's not the same, but i'm making it work. I just want to curl up, cry, and give up on everything, but i won't. That's what the old me would do, and i don't want to be that person anymore.

I just wish it was easier.

emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALL-IS-AMAZING 3/26/2013 8:12AM

    emoticon Sorry to hear you have been having such a rough day. Hang in there! Your spark friends are here encouraging you on. emoticon

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