Thursday, October 23, 2014
I have a confession. I am a bit of a word nerd. I've always loved the power of words and spelling. I'm not as nerdy about grammar. Little things like your and you're or the correct use of bare and bear are peeves that used to bother me a lot, and suddenly this week I saw something about the words we use that made me both laugh and take a look at how I'm using words.
I love this.
It's made me think about what I'm saying to myself. Yesterday I blogged a bit about my guilt over napping and the realization it's okay to have a nap, so long as it doesn't become my coping mechanism. Sitting here today I realized that while I was saying the words, internally I was telling myself I needed to get control and STOP napping because somehow it was a show of weakness. The truth is in a way it feels like weakness.
Weakness has always been an issue for me. In reality I can remember all the way back to 7th grade when for the first time putting up a false bravado in a critical moment was met with applause and I got recognition, and ever since then (which is a lot of years), I've taken that same idea when I feel weak about something. I have bluffed my way through IT conferences, interviews about software I'd never used, speaking engagements on a myriad of topics, teaching situations. People have talked to me about how or why I am so confident, but really I'm not. I feel completely in limbo and I always hope no one discovers that I really know nothing or very little about what I'm doing in that moment. That's not to say that all confidence is faked. I have a weird quirk for recalling lots of extraneous information, everything from details surrounding events, to trivial knowledge about persons, places or things. It's being able to portray confidence based on data recall that gives the sense of real confidence.
I am not fat, I have fat.
In the same grouping of inspirational images that I found this picture which I liked at first, but on further reflection I'd like to amend. It's the line that reads "...as well as learning how to de-stress your life." Stress is a basic component of life. you cannot get rid of it all. The world offers ways to relieve it, how to manage it, how to simplify it, but the hard fact is - we need it. We identify stress with such a negative view but really stress is just anything that changes our homeostasis. Stress is synonymous with importance, urgency, beat, force and emphasis. Stress is also noted as motivation when referring to positive/active viewpoints.
If I could I'd rewrite it to say:
You are not fat. You HAVE fat. The good news: it's 100% YOUR choice. You can burn off as much as you'd like. Use the formula coupling intense training, eating smart and adequately, and learning good stress responses. If you are not losing the excess at a rate you feel you are working for, quite simply there is something wrong with the honest details in your formula.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
This past week has been, um well...
well, I'm not sure I have the words.
Every single day for the past week or so, when I've gotten home from work I have unintentionally taken a nap. Even on the days I really carefully, conscientiously, and purposely tried to NOT nap, I have fallen asleep like a four year old just starting a full-day preschool program. And not a short nap either, I'm talking 3-4 hours of deep, hard, satisfying sleep. It wreaked havoc on my sleep cycle and the quality of night-time sleep I have been getting since sleeping from 4-8 each day killed my normal evening routine. Finally yesterday I broke the cycle!!
I started to get a little worried as the days began to run into one another that maybe something more serious was happening internally. Some friends sent me "inspirations" and buck up notes, which I appreciated, but somehow I knew my sleepiness wasn't about that -
I have a good life, and I know it. I have amazing productive and independent kids who are such a joy to me. I have a good job. I've accomplished my education goals. So what's the problem? (and before you suggest all the reasons that health issues attribute to sleep issues...) I've had my thyroid checked, I take a B12 booster and Vit D and E supplements, my blood sugars are stable (yay!), I'm not drinking sodas or using water enhancers and I'm not dehydrated.
What I realized was, for the first time in forever, I have down time. Laugh all you want - my life up to this point has been well, busy. As a single mom of 3 kids I took care of my household, ran car pools, acted as room-mom, supported sports and academic teams, clubs and other parenting groups. I serve in callings for my church as a teacher, organizer, and anything else they ask. I was in school full-time for the last five years getting my Bachelors and my Masters degrees, while working full-time in a high-stress job and finally....my life has hit a point that it's just not that busy. I finished school in January, my youngest finished high school in May, all three kids have shifted to being more in charge of their lives and don't need me to do things I've always done for them. And so suddenly there is this downtime and my body clearly needed a break.
Not that life hasn't been stressful lately, obviously that's added to it. My hip, changes at work, preparing all three kids to leave me at the start of the new year, I've been very dialed in to the fact that the fallout of having a lot of stressful things happen at once usually perpetuates my depression taking over and so I've tried to support my own awareness and keep from dwelling on all the "not fair" things that are circling me and I was proactive in getting my scrip from my Dr. refilled. I've been able to conquer most of those triggers, but I did not always win the battle against comfort eating, and so this weeks weigh in is up a teeny bit (not horrible) to put me at 282.4 (+.4 lb weight gain). I am grateful it wasn't worse.
Recognizing that I have extra downtime and accepting its existence has made me realize that while I've taken care of everyone else, I have this time to take care of myself right now and I need to listen and support myself! The sad reality is that my first inclination is - oh a nap sounds so good!
Downtime can be a pitfall - so it's time to put away the preschool naps and find a schedule of my own to take care of me!
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
This morning I sat down on Pinterest to get some affirmation/motivator things I could print out and have as a reminder of why I'm pushing myself.
Color me crazy but I've never really looked at the health and fitness section of pinterest before. And if I were in a different mindset I could easily have gotten super discouraged at the images and messages on there. In the first few rows showing there were not one, not two, not four, but five images that referenced thigh gaps, perfect abs, and beating belly fat. One even carried the message that you should "lose it as revenge to the haters". I realize it's a fluke (or at least hoping) that all of these were grouped together (not pinned by the same person).
Or maybe it's just I have a different interpretation of health and well being.
You see - I'm not wanting a thigh gap or perfect abs. More than anything I want to get off meds and have a shot at seeing my kids get married and raising families of their own. Maybe it's just that I'm older but I don't care what the haters think, and losing weight is not about them, it's everything about me. I don't have a popular icon that i want to look like because, well, I don't compare myself like that. I read somewhere that comparison is the thief of joy and I agree.
If happiness is really a choice, then joy is not about revenge or being in the limelight or anything like it. It is about changing life. my life. Joy isn't selective by looks or personality. It has no way of evaluating my thigh gap or the condition of my abs. So this morning my reflection is that thin-ness and skinny-ness are not a measure of success. It's one thing to be healthy and happy and it's another to try and meet unrealistic standards set by comparing ourselves to others.
Find Joy. Find YOUR joy.
Today's weigh in had me doing the happy dance since the changes I made last week are paying off. Navy Ninjas have taught me a valuable lesson - and it is that strength training is an important part that can be done no matter how big or how small you are.
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