Monday, November 04, 2013
It's getting to be the end of a very long year. Truly if my weight could reflect the emotional workout I've gone through - I'd be anorexic. The reality is - my weight has bought its own ticket on the roller coaster ride and stopped at every single food trolley and truck.... I'd almost given up and convinced myself to find a way to be happy fat. And then, last week - I had a real moment when I realized I could do just that.
I could be happy.... fat.
I've done it already for so much of my life, in fact.... I've let it rule my life. All that "happiness". It was in a quiet moment while I was listening to a gal vent about all the horrible things happening in her life that I realized I have a good life. It's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I have a good job, I can provide for my kids, I'm almost done with my masters degree, I'm loving the gym, the only thing I don't seem to have is the ever elusive willpower when it comes to food. and then in that same moment as the sound of her voice began to drone on, I realized I've been thinking about things all wrong. See I thought I just didn't have the magic gene that lets someone stick to food plans and gym routines. I've always felt like some people are born with that but why not me?
I can do that. Can't I?
While I sat there I had some moments of serious self-reflection. This gal was on and on about all the things she couldn't do and how upset it was making her and my inside self wanted to yell out, "Me too!" I've always been called "willful", stubborn, tenacious..... isn't that the same as willpower? I mean really - maybe it's just that I've been looking at this all wrong. Maybe I have un-exercised willpower. So I came up with a plan. (Gotta love a good plan).
Welcome to my NoMorevember. Because I'm done. No more am I going to do things like I've done in the past. I'm only going one day at a time. Why? well, because on some days - temptations to make myself feel better through food are a minute by minute thing. But taking one single day at a time - that I can do. No more big monthly and weekly plans for eating and working out....for the next 30 days - I'm only planning ONE day at a time. It might not be for anyone else - but for me I feel like I can do this.
For once I am grateful for my willful, stubborn, self.
Monday, July 08, 2013
Last year at the recommendation from a friend I spent some time watching food documentaries such as Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead (excellent), Supersize me (meh), Food fight, party crashers, chow down, engine 2 kitchen rescue, and several others. It opened my eyes a lot to the way people think about fat people, the way fat people feel about themselves, and the way advertisers draw someone in and it all made me approach my own addiction with food in a more thoughtful way. This weekend however, I came across another one that I'd previously missed - Fat Head. The comedic host who narrates the documentary points out really (seemingly) obvious truths and made me think again about who I'm blaming my food addiction on.
This weekend I counted the number of fast food and restaurants between my house and my work - a short 3.5 miles. Just driving to and from work I'm inundated with brightly lit signs flashing great deals from papa johns, krystals, popeyes, mcdonalds, burger king, little ceasar's, greek village, applebees, waffle house, ruby tuesday's, China Kitchen, Subway (x2), Bojangles, the Tavern, Huddle House, and Zaxby's. And I'm not in the busy part of town! That's not to count in the gas stations that offer Krispy Kreme or Sunlight donuts! I could claim to be at the mercy of advertising and cheap, fatty food!! It's not really my fault right?
But the real truth is - I am guilty of being lazy. I am guilty of not putting the emphasis on eating and cooking at home, with my family. I did when my kids were little, but with the demise of my marriage, and me working and going to school all the time - I brushed off the importance of cooking and eating with my family. My laziness extends to exercise - because after sitting all day at my desk the last thing I want to do is go exert myself. It's no wonder that as my kids got older, and the constant physicality of keeping up with them decreased, so did my own motivation to move.
This past weekend I had more time and opportunity to cook and sit at the actual dinner table and you know what? I didn't overeat once. I didn't feel like I needed to binge later. Food didn't rule me. So when I watched Fat Head and he mentioned how the American household has shifted from eating out as a "treat" once a month or so to eating out once a day as a regular routine I saw the truth in what I've allowed into my home. Even healthier foods - I often pick up ready-made, or prepared things as a convenience. For all intents and purposes - even programs like Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem offer the same thing - convenience wrapped up in prepared little cups.
I don't want to be a fat head.
I know, I know - I'm late to the party in acknowledging the truth of the obvious. I'm not asking how I got to where I am - I know how I got here. I suppose that now I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get myself out of it.
Saturday, July 06, 2013
It's been a couple of days and I haven't been online! With the holiday came the chance to have some extra days off and so I've just shut down my online life and instead laughed and played cards with my kids, worked on my container garden, took naps, swam, watched movies and shared time with family. it's been really nice. No school, no work, no pressure to be somewhere.
AND today celebrates a HUGE freedom victory for our family. Back in February we adopted our little doxador puppy (1/2 lab, 1/2 doxie) and in March she broke her elbow which meant she's been on limited ability to run or play freely since!! She had her spay and surgery to fix a few ongoing issues two weeks ago and finally today she has the all clear!!! No cone, no restrictions - and she LOVES the freedom! We love finally getting to take a walk with her and seeing how happy she is!
I've done really well with my eating and was pleasantly surprised to realize I haven't gained a ton of weight in transition this week when I weighed in. With the new mentality of giving myself permission to eat what I want, and just work on portioning and incorporating veggies more in a productive way I feel like this is a good thing. I'm determined to keep on listening!!
Have an amazing weekend :)
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