Monday, November 24, 2014
(this is a long one, apparently I had a lot to say today)
my name is Greg I am a grateful recovering Compulsive Overeater I am happy to report I was abstinent yesterday.
Its been a rough few weeks, I never “left” but I really wasn't in either (if that makes sense) Most people talk about going out, basically I kept coming back everyday but I wasn't being abstinent.
Some days I outright lied about it, other days I lied and didn't realize I was, I felt like I was abstinent and I fooled myself, other times I just swept it under the rug because it was “no big deal” I apologize for lying to you. The one thing I know about myself is I am a liar and an addict, or perhaps I am a liar because I'm an addict. I guess it really doesn’t matter why, I lie to myself and other people, well I want to say all the time but that is not true. I often use lies intentionally and unintentionally in order to deal with things in my life. If I messed up and don't want to feel the shame of upsetting people or feeling like they will be mad at me or I let them down, I lie. If I f***** up yet again and I feel so ashamed of myself and I just feel stupid, I lie. I don't lie all the time though, as a matter of fact most of the time I am pretty truthful these days, but the times I am not have a lasting impact on my life.
I woke up this morning from a 3-4 days binge, it wasn't all at once but I didn't follow my meal plan, I ate binge foods, in some cases I overate. I find it hard to say I “binged” when I only ate “one” sweet or one slice of this or one bowl of that, I rationalize that its on my no fly list, but I didn't eat a ton of it so why is it a binge? That sort of thinking drives me crazy, I guess it doesn’t matter of I eat and entire box of this or a whole package of that....I am still not abstinent and those are the terms I need to think in. I need some areas of my life to be black and white..either I was abstinent or not abstinent. I am still trying to figure out exactly what that means for me, but I am getting there. I have very good guidance from my sponsor and 12 step brothers and sisters. Now I just have to pray for the strength, and humility to be willing to go to any lengths. I have never gone to any lengths for anything in my entire life not even food. Sure Ill go a ways for food but even then if it becomes too much work too complicated I will abandon it, just like everything else in my life
I had to be honest this weekend with my voice coach that I put in the bare amount of work necessary to prepare for my lessons but I still meet his expectations. That kind of fluffed my ego a bit to think I didn't do crap but I still showed up and did a good job.
He was disappointed and said if he knew that s how it was going to be from the beginning he never would have agreed to help me, that I wasted his time, the time of the folks helping me pay for it, and he said more importantly I wasted my own time. He wasn't mad, or upset..he just laid it out on the table..I committed to him I would work on my career daily. He also said that I met his expectations because he had none. I walked in off the street and started doing radio and voice over so he didn't expect much from me, that kind of took the wind out of my sails, however I do have a spark of talent and if I work hard I can turn that into something. I am going to send him an action plan for my VO work just like I do for my OA work. Those 2 aspects of my life are tied together. I need to do the work in both of them to be successful, but I am finally starting to get it, that OA & Recovery need to be first before everything. If I cannot be abstinent I cannot recover, if I cannot recover I cannot lose the weight, if I cannot lose the weight I can't start to feel better and put the effort in I need to make my dreams come true.
We have been working on a piece for a few weeks called The Tell Tale Heart. He said I did the best job on that piece than I did anything else he has ever given me. He also said that he didn't feel like I would ever commercial work, which is the basic ads that you hear on the tv/radio everyday. I have not been able to grasp the concepts of a “conversational” read. However when put in a position to actually have to act or go over the top I seem to excel at that. I had said in the beginning I wanted to work in commercials, movies, tv, video games, animation...whatever I possibly could....After this weekend he said he feels like acting is what I am going to become good at and I should find some acting classes to take. The disease part of me is telling me I am not good enough, that I cannot just at 42 years old just become an actor of any sort. People have those dreams everyday and are not able to realize them. I know what I want, I am not sure how to get there but I know what I want to do, now I just have to put the work in. I cannot be afraid anymore, I cannot be lazy anymore...I must do the work in all aspects of my life. Most importantly I must do the work in my program, I must become willing to go to any lengths necessary. When I do this the rest of the pieces of the puzzle of my life will start to lock into place and my path to wherever my HP wants me to go will open up.
Years ago my best friend told me I needed to do stand-up comedy, when we were together I was free to be myself, but I was scared and lazy (mostly scared) I could see myself doing it, I could see myself going to Hollywood and becoming famous. It wasn't a delusion of grandeur, it was a possibility. I also know I would have burned bright and died young, My disease would have drunk that all in and killed me I have no doubt about that. Now here I am again at that cross roads, I am still scared, but now I have program and a higher power in my life, and if I put those things first and trust that my HP has my back, I will be prepared to handle whatever might come my way, will I be in movie and be famous? I have no idea, maybe, maybe not. I do know that whatever happens, wherever I go I will be prepared to handle it, and as long as I stay close to program and my HP my disease won't have the chance to chew me up, spit me out and kill me.
Action Plan for the Day
pray, text phil and have Breakfast then give thanks
pray and have my snack give thanks
make 2 outreach calls
pray, text phil and have lunch
make 2 out reach texts
reach OA 12/12
pray and have my snack and give thanks
read my VO book
watch VO video
pray, text phil and have supper then give thanks