Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Ever since I had all those health problems hit me at once..I am afraid. It is silly. It was about 4 years ago now but I limit myself instead of pushing through. I am careful about telling hubby, I am going after the mail so if I don't come back, come get me...even though he couldn't.
I am so afraid of every little thing that I need to stop it. Part of my overeating is from that too. On the outside...I took it well but inside it scared the heck out of me. They must have told me several times, it was a wonder I didn't die from the infection surgery and then again when I had those two cancers. I just realized how fearful I really am. I have been taking a long look at myself and all those things and I thought I was doing good and for awhile I was...but it all seems to hit me. I think because of everything my hubby is going through,...it is a chilling reminder of what I went through and how fragile life is.
It is so scary.
I know I need to work through these problems to become normal again and break this food
All the insecurities and telling myself...I am who I am..but I don't like me some of the time. I am trying to pull myself out of there and I know I am a miracle and that I am worth it...but my mind sneaks in those little phrases here and there...why are you worth it? What have you done to deserve being loved. You have made a lot of mistakes and done some things in the past that were not right. But , I tell myself, I am not like that anymore...I am a good person. I do believe that. This is not a blog to get compliments...just to show you that your mind can play tricks on your thinking....no I am not crazy and hear people talking to me lol.
Food is my way of comfort ...of feeling good...but that is just so wrong. The more I eat...the more I gain...the more upset and ashamed I feel. I am reading the hunger fix and it is bringing all kinds of thought out of me.
I know I need to work through these problems to become normal again and break this food addiction. I need to bring it out in the open and face it...instead of letting it linger in the back of my mind ..gathering cob webs and waiting to jump out and cause me to overeat again.
I am reading the hunger fix by Pam Peeke, MD,MPH,FACP. It is bringing all this thought out of my head and causing me to focus why? Why am I eating myself into an early grave?
It is hard to face the whys...yet it is what I need...once and for all. It is like coming face to face with the negative inside of you and cleaning it out so you can make it all new. Well I have only begun to scratch the surface. When I get done sweeping and dusting the surface ...then I will need to mop even deeper. I will get it done and hopefully find the why and fix it.
Looking inside yourself is a scary yet enlightening thing to face.
At least I have someone holding on to me so I don't sink.
I have come this far and don't want to go back.
I am emerging from my cocoon and getting to know myself.
I thought I had faced the whys before but not this deeply.