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I am forcing myself to look within and find the whys

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Ever since I had all those health problems hit me at once..I am afraid. It is silly. It was about 4 years ago now but I limit myself instead of pushing through. I am careful about telling hubby, I am going after the mail so if I don't come back, come get me...even though he couldn't.
I am so afraid of every little thing that I need to stop it. Part of my overeating is from that too. On the outside...I took it well but inside it scared the heck out of me. They must have told me several times, it was a wonder I didn't die from the infection surgery and then again when I had those two cancers. I just realized how fearful I really am. I have been taking a long look at myself and all those things and I thought I was doing good and for awhile I was...but it all seems to hit me. I think because of everything my hubby is going through,...it is a chilling reminder of what I went through and how fragile life is.
It is so scary.
I know I need to work through these problems to become normal again and break this food

All the insecurities and telling myself...I am who I am..but I don't like me some of the time. I am trying to pull myself out of there and I know I am a miracle and that I am worth it...but my mind sneaks in those little phrases here and there...why are you worth it? What have you done to deserve being loved. You have made a lot of mistakes and done some things in the past that were not right. But , I tell myself, I am not like that anymore...I am a good person. I do believe that. This is not a blog to get compliments...just to show you that your mind can play tricks on your thinking....no I am not crazy and hear people talking to me lol.
Food is my way of comfort ...of feeling good...but that is just so wrong. The more I eat...the more I gain...the more upset and ashamed I feel. I am reading the hunger fix and it is bringing all kinds of thought out of me.

I know I need to work through these problems to become normal again and break this food addiction. I need to bring it out in the open and face it...instead of letting it linger in the back of my mind ..gathering cob webs and waiting to jump out and cause me to overeat again.

I am reading the hunger fix by Pam Peeke, MD,MPH,FACP. It is bringing all this thought out of my head and causing me to focus why? Why am I eating myself into an early grave?

It is hard to face the whys...yet it is what I need...once and for all. It is like coming face to face with the negative inside of you and cleaning it out so you can make it all new. Well I have only begun to scratch the surface. When I get done sweeping and dusting the surface ...then I will need to mop even deeper. I will get it done and hopefully find the why and fix it.

Looking inside yourself is a scary yet enlightening thing to face.

At least I have someone holding on to me so I don't sink.

I have come this far and don't want to go back.

I am emerging from my cocoon and getting to know myself.

I thought I had faced the whys before but not this deeply.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

L*I*T*A* 7/23/2014 11:37AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LADYDL 7/23/2014 7:50AM

    I like the sign - "Don't look back, you're not going that way!"

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A_RARE_BEAN 7/23/2014 5:47AM

    I couldn't agree more, looking inside and understanding more about yourself is worth the mopping and the sweeping in the end. You have survived and come through so much so even though you do have fear (like us all ) you also have evidence of your amazing strength too! So I know you will come through this part of your journey too, the inner understanding. Best wishes to you emoticon

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GOANNA2 7/23/2014 12:12AM

    Glad you are starting to know yourself. It's a life-long journey.
We need to embrace and love ourselves first and foremost.
You have been through so much Pam. Just try not to stress
and look for the positives, one day at a time. You will get there.
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GRANJERRY1 7/22/2014 7:21PM

    You are one strong lady....for sure & definitely looking within is the first cathartic step towards inner healing

May The Lord Bless you & more strength to you emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AJB121299 7/22/2014 6:33PM


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life is an adventure...live it

Sunday, July 13, 2014

This is a small team that I am trying to get more members and keep it going. I already lost one small team and can't bear to lose another. When you get together and get to know people and then have to drop the team...it is like losing friends.
I am co-leader on two big teams and they are going strong but this little one needs a shot in the arm.

I started a thread...life is a bowl of cherries...so why did I get the pits lol. The way it sounds like a pitiful, negative thread but not so.
hubby is in the nursing home (pits)....but he is getting infusions to make him get rid of the bacteria in his blood ( cherries

Paid 15oo dollars to replace the water heater ( pits) but at least it is not leaking anymore and ruining the floor( cherries)

It is all about seeing the positive in the negative. It is throwing the negative away . If we sit around and focus on the negative in our lives, we don't see the good things that are there.

I just ordered the hunger fix...about breaking food addiction and when it comes in, have started a thread to discuss it. I need to break the addiction of eating when not hungry..craving sugar laden foods etc. It shoud be a good discussion if we can get enough people.

I had been focusing on my big teams and letting this one go last...now I am focusing on this one....while still doing the others but they are strong.

A team is only as strong as its members.

I have a thread on making things homemade because they are better for us. So many foods that are processed have hormones and additives that are not good for us.

I have a goal setting thread for this month. Set 3 goals you want to accomplish in July.

Come in and give us a peek....try out the team so to speak.


Take your time and think about the things you want to accomplish and then do them.

Let the past go and begin a new chapter in your life...rearrange, really focus on this moment in time..not those gone by.

Make new habits...good ones that push out the bad ones.

You can do this. don't give up on yourself....create a positive you.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISS_VIV 7/20/2014 10:05AM

    Life indeed is a bowl of cherries....Much more cherry than pits. Just don't drown them in whipping creme.. enjoy every bite. And the pits will grow into beautiful trees making us stronger every day. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 7/14/2014 12:18PM

    emoticon emoticon

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GOANNA2 7/14/2014 7:12AM

    Thanks Pam. So good to hear that hubby is doing better.
You need to look after yourself too. I am going back to
work tomorrow after a 2 week break. I had bronchitis
and didn't feel too good, but i am OK now. emoticon

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IMEMINE1 7/13/2014 9:58PM


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KNEEMAKER 7/13/2014 12:21PM

  Keep on keeping on! Step by step you will reach your destination. Life is much more than just a bowl of cherries and the pits. It is a Journey. So we must enjoy our Life Journey each and every day. emoticon

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I am back to myself..I think

Sunday, June 29, 2014

The air went out yesterday and it is so hot in here even with the windows opened. Tomorrow is supposed to be even hotter. He is coming to take a look at the water heater and tell me how much to put it in so hope he will look at the air too.

I do feel better today. I look at it this way, once they are fixed, 2 less things to worry about.
I am playing the lottery this week lol. If I hit it rich I will fix everything at one time and pay all my families bills and if there is enough left tour the U.S and visit some of you.
So make some room for me.

At least we didn't have the storms last night and don't know what to expect today. I did not listen to it. I didn't want the word storms to get me down again...but then it really isn't hurting anything....we can't go anywhere anyway. Well hubby did...he left to go to the store to get his medicine and to get out in the air. I can't Ifuntil Jim gets here to look at the heater and he had another project first and did not know how long it would take. I pray he will be all right. I don't know how he is going to get a ride on cart unless he walks to the door and gets one inside. He has his walker but not supposed to walk on his foot.

find the peace in your life

If he can do it..I CAN TOO!


Here he is singing a song.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLOWDETERMINED 7/11/2014 11:08AM

    You have faith & and as you know faith can move mountains, even though we don't feel like it sometimes. You are a very positive and motivating person, and I feel lucky that you are my friend. I am glad you are feeling better. emoticon Hang in there God is with you.

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1BEACHWALKER 7/4/2014 11:18PM

    I hope things are better since this blog. Hang in there! emoticon

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L*I*T*A* 6/30/2014 10:08AM

    hopeing things work out as were meant to be............

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GOANNA2 6/30/2014 7:27AM

    Hang in there Pam. Things will slowly get better for you.
You deserve it my friend. Waiting for you In Australia
when you have that lucky break.
I hope everything gets fixed soon for you. emoticon emoticon

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    Hang in there!!

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SEATTLE58 6/29/2014 3:11PM

    I'm hoping that your appliances get fixed soon and everything else that is causing troubles. Hugs to you, Karen

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Again and again and again. Is life laughing at me?

Saturday, June 28, 2014

I am not tryig to be negative and I don't know how bad it is...but every time things work out, like getting the money to fix the water heater...something else goes wrong. What am I supposed to be learning from all this? Please tell me so I can stop going through it over and over again.
the power went off for a few minutes and then back on. It started to get cold and I noticed the air was not turning off. I went and turned it off but it didn't. It kept going and no matter what we did...9t would not shut off. so I turned off the fuse and we let it set for awhile and then turned it back on. Still would not go off. So now we are in a hot house with no air and only one ceiling fan in the living room. It might be nothing...it might be big This trailer is old.
Can't we get a break. With hubbys kidneys and going on dialysis, the hole in his foot, the van having problems, the hot water heater leaking, the floor under it needing replaced, my trouble with my knees and legs feeling like they have braces, my back problems, and other things, I am ready to just say, " What more do you want?"
I know it could be a lot worse but there is just too much going on the last couple of months. I am so tired for some reason....probably diabetes. I need a break.
I will be fine tomorrow or the next day but tonight I just need a cry and some venting.
We have the money in the bank for the hot water hearer now...had to get a loan but my daughters friend is coming tomorrow to see how much it will cost to fix it and now we have to ask him to look at that too.
I am trying so hard to find something positive in all this but I can't...I just can't.
I will bounce back in the morning but not tonight. I just need some sleep or play a game til I am so tired I can go to sleep.

Don't think I didn't mean everything I said in those positive blogs because I did. I know in my heart that it will be all right...but right now I am just frustrated, depressed and full of anger for us not staying in an apartment where the landlord does all the repairs.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

L*I*T*A* 6/29/2014 8:02AM

    sending you positive thoughts and prayers.....
tomorrow is a new day!!!

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GOANNA2 6/29/2014 7:24AM

    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Vent all you
need Pam. We are here for you to lean on. You are so
right - tomorrow is another day. I hope that the repairs
to the AC are only minor. You need a break as you have
such a lot on your plate right now. Come on Universe -
it's time for Pam and DH to get a break. emoticon

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A_RARE_BEAN 6/29/2014 4:59AM


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GRANJERRY1 6/29/2014 2:25AM

    Hang in there dear Pam, as the saying goes, the darkest hour is before the dawn....So things will get better....Will keep you in my prayers... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DOLLFACEDX 6/29/2014 12:36AM

    Well, yes, life is laughing....cause that is what life does. Sometimes it chuckles softly, sometimes it laughs uproariously but laugh it does. And, getting thru these episodes is what makes us stronger people. It sounds like the walls are crumbling round you a bit right now but you will get thru...and then you will be able to appreciate you many blessings that are currently a bit obscured.

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SLOWDETERMINED 6/28/2014 11:26PM

    emoticon The air conditioner may just be a switch, let hope so. You are a very positive person, but you have a right to feel down right now. You and your husband are in my prayers. I was on dialysis and have a transplant now. Praise God. There are lots of options now with dialysis these days. Have a good night. Many Blessings!


Comment edited on: 6/28/2014 11:27:18 PM

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SEATTLE58 6/28/2014 10:51PM

    Hugs to you and you know that things have to be brighter from now on! emoticon

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BABY_GIRL69 6/28/2014 10:36PM

    Some times we just to say all that ails us then we can re energize. Be encouraged you are not alone.

God bless,


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1BEACHWALKER 6/28/2014 10:36PM

    emoticon Been there. Do like you said, just get your mind off of it, because getting overly stressed will not help. Take it one day, one thing at a time. At least you have someone dependable coming to help out. Think positive.
Have you ever checked your local areas for help with finances? We have an electric company that is a cooperative and they have a program we can all donate to called operation round up, we joined and it rounds up your bill by a dollar every month. We give to a fund to help the local customers in need-they collect thousands over time. They tell us in monthly newsletters who they help-it may be AC or a wheelchair or building a ramp, etc., even paying a mortgage for those who can't pay. Especially like in your case with your husband's health issues. Look online for your area and see if you have a cooperative electric company. Call the local fire dept or government offices and check on it. I sure hope it is minor repairs and things work out for you soon. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/28/2014 10:37:04 PM

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I will live my life without holding my breath, waiting for something to happen

Saturday, June 28, 2014

I will live my life without holding my breath, waiting for something to happen
I will never give up on myself or my goals
I know that I am worth every minute of my starting again
I will hold my spark friends in highest regards
I will hold in my heart, all those who have come and gone
Though I will wonder how they are and if they made it.

H ope is a word that rings true in our hearts
O bjects are not worth 1/10 as much as a true friend
P ush through the things that are holding us back
E nough so we can succeed and meet out goals.

Hope is a giant word that brings us a glimmer of wonder and knowing that we can do it.
Make tomorrow the day that you say...I am worth it and I am going to do it...no matter how hard...no matter how long and no matter how hopeless it seems...I will never give up!
I hope this motivates you into joining me tomorrow in my exercise. It is up to you. put your life on hold or go for it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZP0GZNWxPA have not tried it yet so a surprise to both of us.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrmaTJce214 seated for overweight and limited mobility

www.youtube.com/watch?v=i299Oy_zRz0 getting rid of bat wings or as I call them granny arms

not so bad and there is always walking. Let me know how you did.

Don't forget to vote for my friends photos in the contest!

My friend, 1 beachwalker entered into a photo contest and her pictures are photographer quality and some of the most beautiful you have ever seen. Please go and vote for one of her photos. You can vote once a day...so lets rally round one of our own winning.

click that link and then scroll down until you see the word all.... in search to the right put in 1sparkie and it will take you too her pictures. Click on one to vote. Thanks. Pam

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GODDREAMDIVA1 6/29/2014 7:37PM


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GOANNA2 6/29/2014 7:21AM

    Thanks Pam. I went and voted on Connie's photo.

Sending hugs your way. emoticon

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GOANNA2 6/29/2014 7:21AM

    Thanks Pam. I went and voted on Connie's photo.

Sending hugs your way. emoticon

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GRANJERRY1 6/29/2014 2:22AM

    Pam that's a lovely blog on staying focussed. I did look at the granny arms work out.... well i'm a granny & those arms have been my grands favourite since the last 30 years, but off late with the drastic weight loss they do look ghastly, will get my PT to help me with this.....

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1BEACHWALKER 6/28/2014 10:39PM

    Pam, you are the best. Even with all you are going through you still rally around your sparkfreinds. I will check out those videos, I need to have something new to do. emoticon emoticon

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BKNOCK 6/28/2014 7:27PM


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    Great blog. I did go out and vote. Amazing photos. Hope she wins. I looked at the exercises. I could not get the first on to render. I like the last one she has some good exercises. I will try one tomorrow. emoticon

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LJOYCE55 6/28/2014 3:49PM

  Thank you.

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