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Tuesday morning

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Well the weather that was making me hurt so bad on Sunday is here, cool, damp and has rained overnight. Hubby hopes the rails for the truck come asap ( they are very late supposed to be last Thurs) and it doesn't rain too bad so he can get them on, Then we will go to trailer this eve, and get it ready to bring home by tomorrow afternoon, and take it to storage. This would work as we are pretty sure dad wont be home today or tomorrow, but not sure. He has all tubes out, still on IV antibiotics, and can't move much but he tries. So will see how he does. Also still on O2 so they said his stats aren't good enough to not have O2 and is still at level 2. Anyway will see. I hope the dr is there when we are this morning.

If so we can wait a few days to get the trailer out of the park, and dd will sleep here incase dad needs anything. She isn't very good at that stuff but can be there if he has to call his help line.

Just bad timing that can't be helped. Oh well we do have a week to get it out of the camp but have to ensure we have a spot to store it...

Slept better the past 2 nights, but woke this am with a sore throat and bit of sniffles... not great either. Oh well hope it doesn't go into my fall cold. Still days where it seems my chest is nursing my mothers day cold. sure hope I didn't inherit both my parents bad chests!!! granted they both smoked and I have never.

HUGS on to my day......

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2014TODAY 9/30/2014 12:02PM

    Thinking good thoughts for you and your father.

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LIVINGLOVINLIFE 9/30/2014 10:33AM

    I hope your dad recovers soon, but sounds like he needs to stay in hospital a few more days. Sounds like he is going to need a lot of help until he gets strength back. Hugs and prayers to you and family. Hope you get over your cold really quick.

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NEW-CAZ 9/30/2014 10:04AM

    I think he'll be staying put a while Cinders.
I hope both dad and you feel better soon emoticon

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MORTICIAADDAMS 9/30/2014 8:47AM

    I hope you can get everything done and settled before your dad comes home. It sounds like he has a way to go before he can but some doctors send them home before they are 100% back to normal. I hope you and your dad both feel better soon.

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GETHNOW 9/30/2014 7:18AM

  God Bless

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168 days of over 10,000 steps

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Good morning..... I want to start this with I am not trying to be negative or a downer.... so will go with what has made me happy and proud this morning.

I have walked over 10,000 steps for 168 days in a row, despite sciatica, reg. chronic pain, waiting on knee replacements and more. Yes I am very proud and pleased. I am more so amazed at the commitment I have been able to continue and even achieve.

Because...... here is my issue and anyone reading my blogs since 2006 knows what it is before I even write it.. This morning in my journal I wrote... failure again... life got in the way... but if you don't have life then it cant even get in my way. I want life, I want a healthy life so what and why is holding me back from eating well. I know what to do, I even know a fair bit of nutrition. I have gone to counselling no not for eating but for life and family issues, for the life in general that has and is continuing to knock the wind out of me.

I was looking back and believe me I know many have it extremely worse than I, I know that I personally know that, but from 1998 - 2000 was hard, then starting up again in 2004 till about now really has been an uphill battle, Hubby and his depression and his flight or flee for nearly 2 years, then mum and her battle with lung cancer which she lost, I had to stop work due to chronic pain, lost my income, then lost my disability, then Marlo died, now dad nearly died. even small things like we can't go away this weekend, we needed it bad. But oh well as I said that is LIFE. I want life I even acknowledge that life brings this. I can also list good things.
My son who has crohns disease is doing well despite a lot of stress in his life too. My daughter got married in that time and is doing well. My son and his wife gave us 2 beautiful loving grandbabies, we found Alllie, I got my one disability and have a lawyer helping me with the other. We are able to still afford to pay our bills and keep our trailer and have a truck to pull it, SO YES I know I am very very blessed.
BUT WHY can't I stick to healthy eating even for a day. I get so angry and frustrated with myself, I do treat myself with compassion and then think but you cant always say oh wait, let this pass.... you have to learn to deal and walk in the path of adversity and still be strong. I am strong in many ways, I know that I have been told that. BUT why....
Another spark friend wrote that she felt stupid. I don't feel stupid, I am sure some may think geesh she is stupid ( liking it to smoking - you know it is bad but you continue, I watched my mother do that till she was hospitalized and then still cry to smoke while dying of lung cancer) Yes I do suppose it is stupid when you know what to do, but just don't do it. HOWEVER I DETEST the words stupid and shut up. Not sure why but those 2 words can make me a raving lunatic. someone sometime must have said that to me but I have blocked it.
So do I feel as if I am incapable, non compliant, unable, no will power, no strength, and many more yes. I ask people what they did to start, to continue. And Everyone has a different answer, some say difference in commitment and interest... okay well how do you stay committed. I try I really do. I make it easy, I make it hard, I just say don't have it in the house, okay I don't then I eat other stuff. Am I stuffing emotions , sure. do I journal yes, do I happy journal yes, sad yes. I get to the point of what is wrong with me.
I have another spark friend who struggled for years, she had many things happen, she tried many things... NOW she is doing well. She said she just started and this time it clicked and she re reads her affirmations, her quotes, and tries to stay happy. Great!!!! well how come she can do it now but not 4 years ago.... so then I think okay when is my time.

I also have said for years, man I need to do this before a disease sets in. So now when I get my mamo, I get scared, my blood I fear diabetes.... but has it stopped me. NO. I have a friend on another site that I used to go to who was very obese, she has severe health issues and yet she never got her head wrapped around this either. for now she is doing well, but do I feel she will continue, yes maybe this time. she eats very little as far as I see but don't know how she does it. I have another friend that has had the fill surgery, she does terrible. She never stays on plan, and bemoans how she gains etc. she gets very down on herself.

I find I don't get down and hate myself, or put myself down. I more want to understand why I don't seem able to do this. Walking daily is hard, I hurt, I limp, I struggle but even when I havent' walked enough, I will walk around my house and every single day I get over 10,000. even with the sciatica. SOOOOOOOOOOO today can I eat without junk... well will see. Hubby will get up and want to go out for sunday breakfast, then we have to go visit dad. Other than that and another visit there is no reason for me to fail. However I know that there is stuff here that I don't need. Yes we both agreed to buy it, not just hubby but the days are few and far between that I can say it is hubby's stuff not mine. He is stressed now too, he desperately wanted to go away, new truck and go............ Oh well that again is life ...

So I know there is no magic wand, everyone is different but I am tired of waiting and want to know why, and how NOW. I drink my water most days, I just can't stay on any plan, easy hard, normal or strange. ( and no I have never done the strange diets, soups, or just smoothies or anything ) I wasn't a cabbage soup and banana for the day person LOL

HUGS and sorry but needed to vent and some here will reply or spark message me cos I know they are thinking the same.
now off to let the dog on deck, put dads sheets on line for fresh bed, and then hubby will wake and we have to go buy 3 gas cans first off! LOL

I am going to have a great day, the sun is out, it is warm and beautiful and I am happy I have life. HUGS

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEMPEST272002 9/29/2014 5:34PM

    Wow! I'm so impressed by your 10,000 steps per day streak. You rock on the walk!

As to the food... you are definitely not alone! We all struggle with this - especially when we are in the grips of perfectionism. You have made such a strong commitment to improving your health and you are living up to your commitment. Keep trying, that's all we can really do.

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JUSTYNA7 9/29/2014 9:33AM

    Love Morticia's comments. It's so true, we can often define ourselves by our failures and it just does not make sense because we know that we are successes in other areas and because it is "easy" we downplay those. I think that is why I finally had to admit that I had a dragon making choices becuase in other areas of my life I was very accomplished, strong, persistant. Food though was a different beast. I would make plans and sabatoge them.

One of the chapters in the writing diet has us making lists of... worries and then beside each writing an idea for something we can do to help aliviate that worry. I know that I use food to numb worry. So the idea is to realize there are alternatives to eating. I can know that I am doing one thing to work on that worry. It seems like all ours are huge but it is helping to see progress. In fact the other day when I felt overwhelmed I started listing all the things we have already done and was amazed. We are fighters. We are problem solvers. We are hard workers. So... no matter what happens in the future we will figure things out. That is what I am learning to celebrate. I listened to a book on tape this past week and the situation the family were in was unimaginable. Yet they carried on. And that is what I do think you and I can do... we can carry on. Stress is a part of life. I agree that it is very sad you could not get your time away. I sure need that sometimes to get perspective. You can do this. It is just for today.

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FORMYDARLINGS 9/28/2014 7:40PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HEALTHY4ME 9/28/2014 1:21PM

    Going to reply right here cos I just want to say thanks to Mortica... I agree with her, although I don't see that I need to be perfect every day. Just that I don't seem to stop when I eat......

But love what she has said and am going to try hard to say okay today I ate a good breakfast and supper ot snacked on good stuff.... now to go reply to her! LOL

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MORTICIAADDAMS 9/28/2014 1:02PM

    I like what Slenderella had to say.

Speaking from one who has a lot of chronic knee pain I am amazed that you can do it. I know I can't when I'm having acute problems as my knee is not dependable enough to bear weight and I limp and hobble. I've almost had to have my hubby pick me up in the car. So I can appreciate this more than most people. It is quite an accomplishment but you must be careful that you don't do more damage to your body.

In order to be successful you will have to change your definition of success. For you success is about perfection - being perfect for 168 days in a row no matter what. It's not really about your health any more - it's about perfection. Seriously, you either feel you have either passed or failed. There is either a A or a E as far as you are concerned and that will always keep you from being successful. People who have reached goal weren't perfect. For them it soon became about doing this as a way of life. They realized they won't be happy if they have to constantly be deprived and do things such as insult their host and their grandkids by saying. "Oh I can't eat THAT!! I'm on a diet!" Everyone knows people like this and they are insufferable and they make everyone else feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, and miserable. I know for a fact you don't want to be that person. Did I ever tell you about the family get-together I went to? One of the older female in-laws there had anorexia nervosa. She weighed probably in the 70s. She always told everyone that she gastritis but, I'm a nurse, I'm not stupid. People with gastritis don't sit around fussing about how many calories are in something while they starve to death. Anyway, I had brought some homemade brownies. Her daughter had recently lost some weight and her mother threw a fit saying, "Do you know how many calories are in something like that!!!!! K. is trying to watch what she eats!!" Mommy has crossed the line from being mentally ill herself to trying to force her illness on her children. Most people don't want to be someone who is afraid of food and eating and you don't want to either so why try to force yourself into being that person?

I think you hit on some important points. You are not ever going to be a person who is satisfied to just fill the tank and drink green smoothies for life, eat a food pill, live on lettuce. Very few of us are. So why try? You don't have to. Rather then looking to rack up days of perfect eating why not celebrate eating a good snack or a good breakfast or lunch?Celebrate small victories. You will not ever have 168 days of eating perfect. As a nurse I monitored patients whose lives revolved around them eating perfectly and none of them ever ate perfectly for 168 days or anywhere near that. Even the most compliant patients sometimes veered off plan. Your friends are lying to you if they claim they have. What they have managed to do is concentrate on eating the things they like that are good for them and minimize the bad choices and that is the best you can hope for. Try portion control. Buy single serving packets of treats. They are more expensive and self limiting so people tend to eat less.

As far as diseases, you are going to die of something. You are adopting healthy habits. Being perfect just means you won't die of diabetes but you will die of something else. People who live to be 100 usually have a lot in common. They have good genes and their siblings often live into their 90s too. I took care of a lot of them and some ate bacon every day of their life.

I think you will be successful soon enough when you decide that healthy eating success isn't some ethereal unattainable thing. When you stop trying to meet everyone elses idea of how to eat right and find your own. Keep trying.

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2014TODAY 9/28/2014 11:39AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
You're not alone in how you feel...

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LIVINGLOVINLIFE 9/28/2014 9:37AM

    You are amazing, your strength and persistence will pay off. You haven't given up when other would. You are very knowledgeable about nutrition and fitness. Your dedication to fitness, ie the 10,000 steps a day is truly awesome. You are doing this. Your results may be slower than you wish but obviously you are a success. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLAYINGDRAGONS 9/28/2014 9:10AM

    Good you were able to think through these hard issues. I understand your battle with everything but the physical pain. I can't imagine doing those steps with all that pain! You are amazing! I had terrible knee pain for a couple of years, but found it improved with several years of regular exercises including specific ones for that. But the pain has returned recently and I don't like it. Hoping it improves when I return to exercising, but know at this age, well, sometimes we don't get what we want! And that's that! We hafto learn to live in spite of the challenges.

I do hope one day you figure out the eating thing. I have had my own struggle for years. I believe it is very individual and it takes time to figure it out, esp. without a professional who has had experience with this. I've not had help but finally seem to be getting it figured out.
emoticon emoticon about your recent disappointment about not getting away for a bit. I'm wishing you a better Fall season.
emoticon

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SLENDERELLA61 9/28/2014 8:28AM

    Congrats on the 168 days of 10,000 steps. That is a great achievement!! You are smart to start with the positive and do your best to keep the focus on the positive. You are much healthier than if you hadn't done your 168 days.

I guess we each have to find it for our self. My best advice is to not give up. There were times I started over every day. Days, weeks, months, years and decades I just couldn't do it. I kept asking what is wrong with me, too. I still -- 5.5 years after getting to goal weight - still have days when I lose it.

What I have found is that if I do the best I can each day, even if some days aren't very good, I'm way ahead of if I don't try. Tracking honestly is a wonderful tool. Best wishes. I do believe if you keep trying you will find what works for you. I have found that low carb diets in general are not good, but for me, three days of a low carb diet takes away my crazy wild cravings and makes it possible for me to stick to fruits, veggies, lean protein, skim milk, whole grains. Just don't give up. Understand that what you are trying to do is hard. Be sure you are eating 1200 calories or more. Starving yourself doesn't work. Take care.

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BONNIEB1947 9/28/2014 8:04AM

    Wow...I feel your pain. All I can say is...you are keeping on, you are trying, and really, isn't that all any of us can do!? We have to re-affirm and re-adjust to keep on course every day, and yes, sometimes it seems like every minute of every day.
For years, I wondered what little gremlin took over my mind and mouth when I was in a restaurant and had already picked out the healthy food to order, then when the waitress came, I heard myself order the cheesy, fatty thing I really wanted. And who took my brain out and sat it by my chair in the evening when I went into the kitchen and made peanut butter toast? I can honestly say that after joining Spark People and SO FAR I have made better choices, and have worked hard to stop the incessant snacking in the evening; but I know winter is coming and I will be more 'house bound' and will do it again, or at least want to more.
I will fight it; and probably need you to encourage ME! We need each other; that's what is so great about this site. I've never met you but I can speak to you from the heart because we understand that we are on the same path.
You are doing GREAT! With all the reasons you have to set there with the potato chip bag tucked in beside you, you are still trying to do the right thing, and let me tell you, walking 10,000 steps a day is HUGE! I am thrilled when I make 6,000 and I am now looking at needing to up that, I am going to try 1,000 more at a time.
I commend you for reaching this goal, and 168 days of doing it is just incredible! Be proud of what you have done, and know that you will pick yourself up and do it again, day after day, success is not the end, it is in the journey.
I hope you have a great day! emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 9/28/2014 7:57AM

    persistence Cinders not perfection! emoticon

Stop trying to keep so rigidly to a certain diet- you're on a hiding to nothing, just cut out as much of the rubbish as you can, keep within range and you're half way there.
emoticon YOU CAN emoticon

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YMWONG22 9/28/2014 7:48AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Friday afternoon

Friday, September 26, 2014

Got up to the hospital and dad was more himself, I haven't a clue as does dr or nurses know what went on last eve, but what a bloody grouch. Today was not bad, he took his coffee, ate his donut and was mostly civil. The cardiologist/lung dr ( one from ER) so I got to talk to him, the xray today was good, they took out the tube that was pulling the air out, and will check the other tube as it is still draining. ewww. anyway. I said can you give me any idea on a time frame I also emphatically stated that given his mental state, age and ability I wanted him well before he went home. Dr said at least a wk. Good on many ways. whew.. a break. and also ....
OH good. cos one day we have to go to trailer and stay and get it out of park and into storage since it has to be done by oct 9 but we want by 1st so we get where we want to store it.

I am so tired, mentally and phsycially and I keep saying I don't know why. hmmm. silly me.
So now off to get dd and go to hospital early, hubby wants to go out for supper yet again, says if we aren't spending any money to go away for 4 days he wants to go out and then you don't have to cook. okaaaay but nothing super great there. anyway whatever I am along for the ride for now, I just hope and pray I sleep this eve as I didn't sleep at all last night.

Thanks buddies, if I didn't have someone to vent to ... well man I too would be totally nuts.
HUGS

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FREGGIE 9/27/2014 3:43PM

    emoticon emoticon I was thinking that maybe the meds make your father so grouchy too. I know that my father was given meds to deal with his pneumonia / COPD (prednison? don't know what it's called in English) that were supposed to stop the inflammation but they made him VERY irritable, almost agressive. I mean he's got his whims and problematic responses always but this was clearly worse.
My mother and I did our best to just ignore those behaviors as much as possible. Though I'm sorry for my mother and I am for you because you have to deal with it daily.

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RAWCOOKIE 9/27/2014 7:57AM

    I hope, after everything else, you and your husband have a relaxing, restorative evening together - sounds like he's trying to make you feel better. Yes, take that relaxing bath that has been suggested - and get a good, long, sleep tonight

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NEW-CAZ 9/27/2014 3:14AM

    YOu are nuts LOL that's why I love you emoticon

Being serious for a minute, I'm glad he's perked up Cinders, maybe he was just tired and scared of the outcome.
It's bound to wear to have worn you out, stress and going to and from the hospital while trying to get on with the normal "stuff" will do that!

Take care of yourself hun......................you'll get through it emoticon emoticon

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DS9KIE 9/27/2014 12:49AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MORTICIAADDAMS 9/26/2014 3:34PM

    I hope that you do something to relax. Take a warm bath, listen to some soothing music, get to bed early. You need to rest.

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UMBILICAL 9/26/2014 3:12PM

  Be well

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Friday am.... going on 10 am

Friday, September 26, 2014

Well feeling a tad guilty that we aren't at the hospital yet. I will get there as soon as hubby is ready. We have to get the insurance issues sorted out, visit for a few mins and then we have things to do. Lisa will go up later, and Chris said after work he would run up. Fine cos I am not standing or sitting there waiting on him to yell and grouch at me. Thanks for all the replies.
I do know why and all the reasons and excuses, but as far as I am concerned if you have your mind you have no excuse but many reasons. He is ill, scared, sore, pain, mum passed there, not smoking, wants to be home..... but when I try to help even if you don't acknowledge it which is his norm, don't yell at me. OMG can you tell Ididnt sleep and am still angry. But will be fine, hubby and I are going up and get it sorted. I will let hubby visit and I will stand back and just answer what I need unless he is in a better mood.

Thanks for the care and thoughts, and yes I will feel bad if he passes, but he wont want to live like this and it has been drummed into my head he will not go to a care facility.........

Cya later will be back for those that care to listen! LOL HUGS

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FREGGIE 9/27/2014 3:39PM

    emoticon First all the stress and worries over Allie and now this... As I said it's a roller coaster. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

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MORTICIAADDAMS 9/26/2014 3:32PM

    Ask the nurses if he has had pain med. Maybe he needs some. Since your dad seems to be so cranky maybe you should keep the visits to a minimum and let him rest. Hugs and prayers to you all.

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NEW-CAZ 9/26/2014 10:59AM

    Wrapping my arms around you and giving you a long bear hug.........oh Cinders! grouchy dads are the worst!!!! emoticon emoticon

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RAWCOOKIE 9/26/2014 10:13AM

    emoticon this is a tough time for you - take care of yourself xx

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JOHNMARTINMILES 9/26/2014 9:06AM

    My thoughts go with you in this difficult tile.

Make Today the Greatest Day of Your Life

emoticon Until Tomorrow!


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OH exhaustion and he makes it so darn hard

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Well back from hospital ..........
okay what a man he makes it hard to care at all. I am so ticked and tired and pissed off. He was a bit grouchy with me earlier today, but not Hubby or daughter or her friend niki. Then this eve we got in and daughther had brought him a pkg of rice pudding, she passed it to me to put down on his table. He was I don't t want that, take it I said lisa brought it for you, He said I DONT CARE IT WILL JUST GO THROUGH ME. I said what is wrong, you ate when we were here this afternoon. I DIDNT EAT ANY SUPPER IT WILL ALL GO THROUGH ME. Then dd says grampa I was only bringing it as a snack - he was okay dear I don't want it you eat it. I don't know what is going on, I wonder if more pain. He was moved from ICU but is in a ward, they don't have any of his insurance so he didn't get a semi private. but he didn't mention that. then he was saying he was moved all along halls etc... not making sense. then got mad at me cos he asked for the rope for the light, I gave it to him in his hand so he would know where it was I CANT SLEEP WIHT THAT IN MY HAND so I tied it to the rail where he can reach it, then after he said to lisa about it so she moved it and she said I will do what mum did. He was fine with it. Then hubby said something and fine... I replied and roar. OMG I AM SO TIRED of it all. from eating, to driving to anything. Mur said he loves your mum so much now that she is dead cos he feels guilty from way he treated her and doesn't see he treats you the exact same.... Anyway I am praying he doesn't convince them to go home saying I can watch him. He also said to hubby that he was shaved today so thinks now I should do it.... Mur said well she probably isn't allowed with the law suit, and she can't stand up in one spot that long. I said to Mur I WONT cos it won't be right and I am not putting myself through that all the time. OMG we were there about 10 mins and he said you can go. I told them early this afternoon when they figured we should go, I didn't want to, but we went, then we took him a tims and I said he only drinks it in am. sure enough no thanks nothing I don't want that.mannnnnnn
oh this is going to be long......... and then home I can't imagine. whew. anyway I am exhausted and am proud had ice cream in cart on sale and said to Lisa I don't want this will eat way too much... and I put it back. I said I will just use my greek yog. almond milk and cocoa and ice to make shake. I wanted a real milkshake. but I didn't get it. now having my tea and bed, don't want the shake either.

I am doing my fit bit and off to bed. I am mentally worn out and it is only day 2 of all this... well not really as he has always been like that to me, but lately worse. I understand in hospital where he doesn't want to be, pain, scared, and mum passed in that hospital on that floor ( diff ward but still ) but why only me...... he is not near as mean to others grouchy yea but not ignorant mean. And I can't just say okay I wont be in to visit or check, it isn't in me to be like that. Would take a lot to do that, even the other day when he was so ignorant about my eating fast, and I threw my food away and walked away he just doesn't get it.

I don't want anything to happen to him, but this is going to be a long tiring process for him. and he figures he should go home tomorrow after the tubes are out!!! PLEASE NO drs!!! I need to be there when I can talk to the drs... so far none have been in when I have. but if need be I will call our GP he knows all 3 of us and knows Hubby and I don't need the stress either.

Okay thanks for the vent. night!








  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FREGGIE 9/27/2014 3:34PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Great that you were able to resist the milkshake and icecream!
I can relate to the grumpy father. I'm so sorry because I know it's so hard to endure.
Remembr that emoticon emoticon emoticon
and emoticon emoticon are our good friends!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 9/26/2014 3:29PM

    My dad is very cranky to me when he is sick too. Let the staff take care of your dad. You need to get some rest.

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RAWCOOKIE 9/26/2014 10:17AM

    I totally agree with what NEW-CAZ wrote - still hurts though, doesn't it!
emoticon

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NEW-CAZ 9/26/2014 3:13AM

    I was about to say he's probably scared and not sleeping Cinders when you then said you realised that.
He's lashing out at the person closest to him and the one who he knows loves him and he feels safest with. Hang in there and go with him, reassurance is the key and not biting on anything he throws at you.
So sorry you have this in your plate right now emoticon emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 9/26/2014 12:30AM

    Hugs. Hard when someone is lashing out at you in your pain. You know it's more about him than you, but still it hurts.

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