Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Well the weather that was making me hurt so bad on Sunday is here, cool, damp and has rained overnight. Hubby hopes the rails for the truck come asap ( they are very late supposed to be last Thurs) and it doesn't rain too bad so he can get them on, Then we will go to trailer this eve, and get it ready to bring home by tomorrow afternoon, and take it to storage. This would work as we are pretty sure dad wont be home today or tomorrow, but not sure. He has all tubes out, still on IV antibiotics, and can't move much but he tries. So will see how he does. Also still on O2 so they said his stats aren't good enough to not have O2 and is still at level 2. Anyway will see. I hope the dr is there when we are this morning.
If so we can wait a few days to get the trailer out of the park, and dd will sleep here incase dad needs anything. She isn't very good at that stuff but can be there if he has to call his help line.
Just bad timing that can't be helped. Oh well we do have a week to get it out of the camp but have to ensure we have a spot to store it...
Slept better the past 2 nights, but woke this am with a sore throat and bit of sniffles... not great either. Oh well hope it doesn't go into my fall cold. Still days where it seems my chest is nursing my mothers day cold. sure hope I didn't inherit both my parents bad chests!!! granted they both smoked and I have never.
HUGS on to my day......
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Good morning..... I want to start this with I am not trying to be negative or a downer.... so will go with what has made me happy and proud this morning.
I have walked over 10,000 steps for 168 days in a row, despite sciatica, reg. chronic pain, waiting on knee replacements and more. Yes I am very proud and pleased. I am more so amazed at the commitment I have been able to continue and even achieve.
Because...... here is my issue and anyone reading my blogs since 2006 knows what it is before I even write it.. This morning in my journal I wrote... failure again... life got in the way... but if you don't have life then it cant even get in my way. I want life, I want a healthy life so what and why is holding me back from eating well. I know what to do, I even know a fair bit of nutrition. I have gone to counselling no not for eating but for life and family issues, for the life in general that has and is continuing to knock the wind out of me.
I was looking back and believe me I know many have it extremely worse than I, I know that I personally know that, but from 1998 - 2000 was hard, then starting up again in 2004 till about now really has been an uphill battle, Hubby and his depression and his flight or flee for nearly 2 years, then mum and her battle with lung cancer which she lost, I had to stop work due to chronic pain, lost my income, then lost my disability, then Marlo died, now dad nearly died. even small things like we can't go away this weekend, we needed it bad. But oh well as I said that is LIFE. I want life I even acknowledge that life brings this. I can also list good things.
My son who has crohns disease is doing well despite a lot of stress in his life too. My daughter got married in that time and is doing well. My son and his wife gave us 2 beautiful loving grandbabies, we found Alllie, I got my one disability and have a lawyer helping me with the other. We are able to still afford to pay our bills and keep our trailer and have a truck to pull it, SO YES I know I am very very blessed.
BUT WHY can't I stick to healthy eating even for a day. I get so angry and frustrated with myself, I do treat myself with compassion and then think but you cant always say oh wait, let this pass.... you have to learn to deal and walk in the path of adversity and still be strong. I am strong in many ways, I know that I have been told that. BUT why....
Another spark friend wrote that she felt stupid. I don't feel stupid, I am sure some may think geesh she is stupid ( liking it to smoking - you know it is bad but you continue, I watched my mother do that till she was hospitalized and then still cry to smoke while dying of lung cancer) Yes I do suppose it is stupid when you know what to do, but just don't do it. HOWEVER I DETEST the words stupid and shut up. Not sure why but those 2 words can make me a raving lunatic. someone sometime must have said that to me but I have blocked it.
So do I feel as if I am incapable, non compliant, unable, no will power, no strength, and many more yes. I ask people what they did to start, to continue. And Everyone has a different answer, some say difference in commitment and interest... okay well how do you stay committed. I try I really do. I make it easy, I make it hard, I just say don't have it in the house, okay I don't then I eat other stuff. Am I stuffing emotions , sure. do I journal yes, do I happy journal yes, sad yes. I get to the point of what is wrong with me.
I have another spark friend who struggled for years, she had many things happen, she tried many things... NOW she is doing well. She said she just started and this time it clicked and she re reads her affirmations, her quotes, and tries to stay happy. Great!!!! well how come she can do it now but not 4 years ago.... so then I think okay when is my time.
I also have said for years, man I need to do this before a disease sets in. So now when I get my mamo, I get scared, my blood I fear diabetes.... but has it stopped me. NO. I have a friend on another site that I used to go to who was very obese, she has severe health issues and yet she never got her head wrapped around this either. for now she is doing well, but do I feel she will continue, yes maybe this time. she eats very little as far as I see but don't know how she does it. I have another friend that has had the fill surgery, she does terrible. She never stays on plan, and bemoans how she gains etc. she gets very down on herself.
I find I don't get down and hate myself, or put myself down. I more want to understand why I don't seem able to do this. Walking daily is hard, I hurt, I limp, I struggle but even when I havent' walked enough, I will walk around my house and every single day I get over 10,000. even with the sciatica. SOOOOOOOOOOO today can I eat without junk... well will see. Hubby will get up and want to go out for sunday breakfast, then we have to go visit dad. Other than that and another visit there is no reason for me to fail. However I know that there is stuff here that I don't need. Yes we both agreed to buy it, not just hubby but the days are few and far between that I can say it is hubby's stuff not mine. He is stressed now too, he desperately wanted to go away, new truck and go............ Oh well that again is life ...
So I know there is no magic wand, everyone is different but I am tired of waiting and want to know why, and how NOW. I drink my water most days, I just can't stay on any plan, easy hard, normal or strange. ( and no I have never done the strange diets, soups, or just smoothies or anything ) I wasn't a cabbage soup and banana for the day person LOL
HUGS and sorry but needed to vent and some here will reply or spark message me cos I know they are thinking the same.
now off to let the dog on deck, put dads sheets on line for fresh bed, and then hubby will wake and we have to go buy 3 gas cans first off! LOL
I am going to have a great day, the sun is out, it is warm and beautiful and I am happy I have life. HUGS
Friday, September 26, 2014
Got up to the hospital and dad was more himself, I haven't a clue as does dr or nurses know what went on last eve, but what a bloody grouch. Today was not bad, he took his coffee, ate his donut and was mostly civil. The cardiologist/lung dr ( one from ER) so I got to talk to him, the xray today was good, they took out the tube that was pulling the air out, and will check the other tube as it is still draining. ewww. anyway. I said can you give me any idea on a time frame I also emphatically stated that given his mental state, age and ability I wanted him well before he went home. Dr said at least a wk. Good on many ways. whew.. a break. and also ....
OH good. cos one day we have to go to trailer and stay and get it out of park and into storage since it has to be done by oct 9 but we want by 1st so we get where we want to store it.
I am so tired, mentally and phsycially and I keep saying I don't know why. hmmm. silly me.
So now off to get dd and go to hospital early, hubby wants to go out for supper yet again, says if we aren't spending any money to go away for 4 days he wants to go out and then you don't have to cook. okaaaay but nothing super great there. anyway whatever I am along for the ride for now, I just hope and pray I sleep this eve as I didn't sleep at all last night.
Thanks buddies, if I didn't have someone to vent to ... well man I too would be totally nuts.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Well feeling a tad guilty that we aren't at the hospital yet. I will get there as soon as hubby is ready. We have to get the insurance issues sorted out, visit for a few mins and then we have things to do. Lisa will go up later, and Chris said after work he would run up. Fine cos I am not standing or sitting there waiting on him to yell and grouch at me. Thanks for all the replies.
I do know why and all the reasons and excuses, but as far as I am concerned if you have your mind you have no excuse but many reasons. He is ill, scared, sore, pain, mum passed there, not smoking, wants to be home..... but when I try to help even if you don't acknowledge it which is his norm, don't yell at me. OMG can you tell Ididnt sleep and am still angry. But will be fine, hubby and I are going up and get it sorted. I will let hubby visit and I will stand back and just answer what I need unless he is in a better mood.
Thanks for the care and thoughts, and yes I will feel bad if he passes, but he wont want to live like this and it has been drummed into my head he will not go to a care facility.........
Cya later will be back for those that care to listen! LOL HUGS
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Well back from hospital ..........
okay what a man he makes it hard to care at all. I am so ticked and tired and pissed off. He was a bit grouchy with me earlier today, but not Hubby or daughter or her friend niki. Then this eve we got in and daughther had brought him a pkg of rice pudding, she passed it to me to put down on his table. He was I don't t want that, take it I said lisa brought it for you, He said I DONT CARE IT WILL JUST GO THROUGH ME. I said what is wrong, you ate when we were here this afternoon. I DIDNT EAT ANY SUPPER IT WILL ALL GO THROUGH ME. Then dd says grampa I was only bringing it as a snack - he was okay dear I don't want it you eat it. I don't know what is going on, I wonder if more pain. He was moved from ICU but is in a ward, they don't have any of his insurance so he didn't get a semi private. but he didn't mention that. then he was saying he was moved all along halls etc... not making sense. then got mad at me cos he asked for the rope for the light, I gave it to him in his hand so he would know where it was I CANT SLEEP WIHT THAT IN MY HAND so I tied it to the rail where he can reach it, then after he said to lisa about it so she moved it and she said I will do what mum did. He was fine with it. Then hubby said something and fine... I replied and roar. OMG I AM SO TIRED of it all. from eating, to driving to anything. Mur said he loves your mum so much now that she is dead cos he feels guilty from way he treated her and doesn't see he treats you the exact same.... Anyway I am praying he doesn't convince them to go home saying I can watch him. He also said to hubby that he was shaved today so thinks now I should do it.... Mur said well she probably isn't allowed with the law suit, and she can't stand up in one spot that long. I said to Mur I WONT cos it won't be right and I am not putting myself through that all the time. OMG we were there about 10 mins and he said you can go. I told them early this afternoon when they figured we should go, I didn't want to, but we went, then we took him a tims and I said he only drinks it in am. sure enough no thanks nothing I don't want that.mannnnnnn
oh this is going to be long......... and then home I can't imagine. whew. anyway I am exhausted and am proud had ice cream in cart on sale and said to Lisa I don't want this will eat way too much... and I put it back. I said I will just use my greek yog. almond milk and cocoa and ice to make shake. I wanted a real milkshake. but I didn't get it. now having my tea and bed, don't want the shake either.
I am doing my fit bit and off to bed. I am mentally worn out and it is only day 2 of all this... well not really as he has always been like that to me, but lately worse. I understand in hospital where he doesn't want to be, pain, scared, and mum passed in that hospital on that floor ( diff ward but still ) but why only me...... he is not near as mean to others grouchy yea but not ignorant mean. And I can't just say okay I wont be in to visit or check, it isn't in me to be like that. Would take a lot to do that, even the other day when he was so ignorant about my eating fast, and I threw my food away and walked away he just doesn't get it.
I don't want anything to happen to him, but this is going to be a long tiring process for him. and he figures he should go home tomorrow after the tubes are out!!! PLEASE NO drs!!! I need to be there when I can talk to the drs... so far none have been in when I have. but if need be I will call our GP he knows all 3 of us and knows Hubby and I don't need the stress either.
Okay thanks for the vent. night!
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