Thursday, March 06, 2014
I've lived in Erie, PA my whole life, with the exception of college, and I never fully appreciated what we had here until the last year or so. We have a lake, and amusement park, theaters, comedy clubs, museums, and all sorts of things for the kids to do.
The park educators at the Peninsula offer a "beach walk" every week starting the first Wednesday after the new year. They do it to help start the New Year with some exercise, and to allow us to see the peninsula at night, a TOTALLY different experience.
I've been on the beaches during the day, but at night they take on a whole new life, it's a REALLY cool experience. Last nights walk took us to all the different bays around the peninsula as well as the lake side.
While we were walking along one of the bays, the educator was pointing out the ice huts that people put out there to fish. He said the ice is about 16 inches thick right now, and an 18 wheeler could drive out on the ice. Then he asked if anyone wanted to walk out on the ice and check out the sights. Ummm, YES PLEASE!!!!!!!
I'm standing ON the bay! How cool is that?!? SUPER crazy cold, but so awesome!
When I was young, I couldn't wait to get out of town and never come back. Now, I couldn't imagine raising my kids anywhere else.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Yep, that's me, I'm FINE...
Frustrated... with weight gain, binge eating, lack of exercise and my bad attitude about all of it. I have no one to blame but myself.
Insecure... about my body. I haven't felt this bad about myself... ever. My clothes don't fit right, I had to buy jeans and dress pants that are 2 sizes bigger than I've been wearing for the last year and a half.
Neurotic... about things going on in my personal life. It's been a big cause of the weight gain, which stresses me out even more, which leads to more binge eating... yeah, you get it.
Emotional and exhausted... about all of it. It's an ugly cycle, and I'm trying to break it.
I have a plan. I know, I ALWAYS have a plan, but I feel like if I don't *plan* to fix it, I'll just get worse. I can't promise that I'll stick with the plan, but I have to have one. My SiL and I have devised a food and exercise plan for the next 6 weeks, and we're going to do it together. Six weeks will get me to the first weekend of April and hopefully some good weather. Six weeks is long enough to make a difference, but not too long that it's overwhelming me.
I know you're all tired of hearing me complain and probably wondering why I just don't STOP all the nonsense! I'm wondering that myself. I thought I had gotten past emotional eating, eating when I'm bored, and eating out of frustration...
I guess I'll always be the fat girl inside, no matter who much my physical body shrinks. I'll always have those mental demons to fight. My friend ADVENTURSEEKER told me that I may not be able to control things going on around me, but I can control the food I put in my mouth. She's absolutely right!
I need to get it under control, and I WILL get it under control... I do NOT want to be HER...
I want to be ME!
I want to be happy again. I want to be healthy again. I want to be proud of myself again.
And I will be.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
I don't know how or where to begin this blog... there has been so much going on in my head lately about my weight loss, or lack there of... I just can't get out of my own head. I've been fighting to see the big picture, what I've accomplished, how far I've come... Instead, all I can see is the weight I've gained, the puffy face, the muffin top and how much farther I have to go now... I've been fighting to feel good about what I've done and who I've helped. Instead, I feel like a fraud and a failure. I feel like I've left everyone down, especially myself. That's my truth...
When I set out to do this 3 1/2 years ago, I NEVER thought I'd get this far, so I have NO idea WHY I feel the way that I do. I've already surpassed any expectation I had, so how can I feel like a failure? That's the issue... I'm NOT a failure, I'm NOT a fraud... I also said I'd never be someone who "gained the weight back." I got on the scale for the first time since the Dirty Girl on September 6... I've gained 17 pounds... It's embarrassing, but that's my truth...
I've always been very honest with myself, and I know I'm not going to see a "healthy BMI." That would mean I have to weigh less than 127... no thanks! My doctor doesn't have a problem with the goal I've chosen, and that's good enough for me. I see people posting pictures of these amazing bodies, and I know I'll never look like that, and it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't work out like they do, I don't eat like they do, how can I pretend I'll ever look like that? It's not going to happen, and that's my truth...
I knew that when I started, I was going to finish. I was going to do what ever I had to, to see that magic number on the scale. This last year has been nothing but struggles, and most of them mental. I've said forever, that the mental part of this is SOOO much more difficult than the physical. You can eat right, and exercise, but that doesn't prepare you for the games you have to play with yourself to get things done. That's my truth...
Say no to pizza, don't have a piece of your kids birthday cake, don't drink the wine at your anniversary dinner, and walk away from the cookie table at the Christmas party... WHAT?!? I have nothing but respect for people that can do that, because I can't! I don't want to. I want to enjoy my life and I want to do the things that make me happy. Does pizza, birthday cake and wine make me happy? Sure, why wouldn't it? No, it's not the food itself that makes me happy, well maybe the pizza, but it's the event and the circumstances in which those foods are present, that make me happy. And honestly, to say no to those things during those events, most of the time, would make me miserable... So no, I've not given up those foods. That's my truth...
I don't have a fabulous diet or exercise plan. I eat processed foods and sweets and I only workout about 30 mins a day. I don't feel that "high" that others talk about after a workout, and I don't get excited knowing that I have to do it. But I know that it's something I HAVE to do. The thing is, I haven't done anything or cared about anything for a VERY long time, and that's why I've gained 17 pounds. NEVER in 3 1/2 years have I cared so little about myself that I gave up. I stopped caring about what I was eating, and I pretty much stopped working out. I just didn't care that I was consuming an enormous amount of food and being incredibly sloth-like. It was kind of fun for a while... eating what I wanted and sitting on the couch all weekend... That WAS my truth...
I had no intentions of "re-starting" on January 1st, and I didn't. I had, and still have, a lot to work out in my head, and it's finally gotten to the point where I'm ready to get back to business. I've joined the gym with my SiL, and I've tracked every bite I've taken this week. I'm back to 182 pounds, and that makes me sad and a bit sick. I was 15 pounds from my goal, and I quit caring... I GAVE UP ON MYSELF. I'm done with hating myself and what I've done. I'm done not caring about me. I'm ready to finish what I started. That's my truth...
I am not perfect. What I'm doing I have to do for me, in MY time. But I also have to deal with the all of the bull sh!t that goes along with it, in whatever way that I can. Regardless of how much I've gained back, I've still lost 125 pounds, and that's something to be proud of. I'm not a fraud, I'm a fighter.
I didn't start this 3 1/2 years ago to ALMOST finish, and that's THE truth!
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
This is a magazine article that my SP friend Amanda posted. The statements that are made in this article are 110% true to MY journey. I can definitely relate to the Harvard grad student...
If you click on the link for Julia's photography, please be aware that they are nude images. FYI, she also used to be on SP. How cool is that?
Monday, January 06, 2014
I loved this post when I read it a year ago, and it still brings tears to my eyes. It really encouraged me to continue on. I hope you all enjoy it and get as much out of it as I did.
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