Saturday, May 18, 2013
Nice day for the most part. Main computer got a nasty Trojan and had to spend part of my valuable Saturday off trying to fix. Hey hackers, get a d*mn girlfriend! Seriously dudes, get a life.
Out in the yard, workin on bits and pieces. Nice today. Got the rest of whiskey barrels replaced, tore up rocks and timbers that framed one of the maples. Poor tree, it should be able to breath a bit easier now, previous owners had covered entire base w tar shingles under the rocks. Got space around new trellises de-turfed and framed. Planted the morning glory seeds I'd sprouted. Love those, over the next few weeks I'll train the vines to fully cover the trellis sections. Such a cool thing to wake up to next to bedroom window. :)
Went to a roller derby w niece, how cool! Cept for my starring roll at end of game as big fat lady trips down the last few bleacher steps. Good lord, nothing like making an a$$ of oneself in public. Why couldn't it have been a skinny person that fell instead?! At home now soaking my swollen ankle. Trying to fight being really angry and embarrassed. Worried how much this is going to throw my exercise off.
Saturday, May 04, 2013
Went out to local Jeep Blessing today. More people than last year, well over 1K vehicles there and quite a few Cherokee's. :) Did (rode along) 2 course runs, only needed tow once. Should have some interesting footage of the front of vehicle as it was both pointing uphill and downhill at what felt like 42 degrees. Good, clean, safe, fun. The folks that host the event do wonderful work.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Still on the wagon so to speak. Little itty losses this last couple weeks but it means maybe I'm finding the right balance. Glad the snow is nearly gone, makes it easier to get out and do things. Actually got up recently and drove to the civic center for a walk, not letting anything (or myself) find some way to delay me.
Speaking of balance, I suspect some think that 'finding center' means no extra work required, that somehow it just gets easy. I know I slip into that mindset sometimes as well, which ultimately turns into gaining. Knowing (and doing) things like exercising, tracking food, etc. is not easy but it keeps me accountable to myself and anyone who reads my pages.
Something that I've been chewing on lately is the feeling of having extra energy. I'm recognizing that I am uncomfortable when I feel 'hyper'. I don't like feeling out of control, or possibly standing out. Years of trying to be invisible for my own mental and physical safety make it a challenge to step outside of that comfort zone. The rule was always; Smart (Fat) girls don't act spastic or draw attention to themselves. Food has been a tool to slow myself down, physically and emotionally. Eating a bit less and exercising more, along with being really happy (new house) for the first time in years is testing my limits. Last Saturday I was dancing around the house just because I felt like it. Pretty sure I haven't danced since about 7th grade. Who in the world is this person??? She's a bit scary if you ask me. Feels like I'm staring through the looking glass at someone else wearing my face but who isn't me. I recognize that becoming healthier requires changing, it's not really knowing the end result that feels terrifying.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Hoping I was going down this Monday but alas, up 4 lbs. I totally chose to overdo my weekend eating and I shouldn't have been surprised. At the least, my waist measurement went down 1". I'll take what I can get :)
So earlier this week has been a challenge. I look back at my food logs and streak logs and see I ate too much and didn't do the workouts I need/should do. I still don't want to quite believe that when faced with failing I just dig myself in further. But the logs pretty much show it, I don't handle stress/surprises well despite how well I think I am doing.
I'm seeing, rather re-learning again that when I don't get my fanny out of bed in the morning when I should, I don't eat a decent breakfast or exercise and end up overeating later in the day. Even after consciously knowing that, it's still waaaaay hard to get out of a warm bed in the morning. Today I got up late, but managed a decent breakfast at least.
Motivation is hard, especially when I see my failure at the end of last week. I can see myself heading in the 'why bother' direction again. I'm struggling to find reasons and reminders to keep on this track. I did find one reminder tonight though, was putting off getting on the treadmill and stepped outside for a bit. Totally clear night and cold, saw the Orion constellation. Which made me think about the old mobil home we afforded for years, I could always spot that constellation before any other at the old house. Which reminded me that we no longer live in that 'economical' trailer (read that as rotting piece of crap that I would call social services if I saw young kids living there today). It took us really, YEARS to climb up that hill. :) So we now live in a completely wonderful honest to god real stick built house with brick walls even! We just bought our first entirely matching, non-chipped, new set of dishware and utensils. Not even a hand me down from the in-laws.
Thankfully those thoughts got me on the treadmill tonight. :) Tomorrow is another day, completely new from today.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Have decided to weigh in only every other week, alternating measurements on the other days. 2 pounds down since last weigh. Below 300 now (ok, if only by a smidge). Still, it's reassuring to see the steps work if I work them. Bottom line tho, this time it's more about exercising every day, using what mother nature gave me and not focusing so much on weight loss.
Had a 'hey wow' moment this weekend. Got up from my chair to take care of something in the kitchen. Totally stopped in the middle of the room when I realized I didn't hurt quite as much as normal. Holy crap, I could get used to that!
I don't think many skinny folk understand what it's like to be in constant pain, always something hurting, something aching. Yes, the extra weight doesn't make it better, obviously. I've looked back and realized that I've been in pain since I was about 14. No wonder my sense of physical self is terrible, I am clumsy and really don't know where my feet and hands are in the space around me. I ignored my body on purpose for years trying to isolate from the pain. Of course I gained weight from about 14 onward, hullo!
Having migranes suddenly a few years ago was my wake up call. Over the years I realized I have/had quite the tolerance for pain. Partly having been ignoring my body all those years and partly just being stubborn and stoic. The migranes tho acted like a bit of a reset, one I needed. I finally started to understand that being able to ignore that much pain isn't healthy. Seems my body found a way to make me pay attention for once.
Now it's my time to wake up and pay attention.
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