Sunday, March 24, 2013
For many, many years, I have missed out on so many things because of the way i looked or felt, or weighed. I cannot tell you the happy times I denied myself because I did not feel like I deserved to enjoy it, or I was ashamed of the way I looked.
For instance, I am a beach girl. I LOVE the beach- and I practically lived there most of my adolescence. I surfed, modeled, sunned, played volleyball, fished boated, you name it, I was there. Then, I started gaining weight when I got pregnant with my son. I was fishing one night, and a kid walked past me with his friends and asked if i needed help getting back in the water after I beached myself. I held the tears, but i cannot tell you how it hurt, because i had heard things like that all my life, until I drasticly started dieting around 15. After that comment, my life completely changed. I rarely went anywhere. I hid myself as much as I could, turning down invitations to shopping and parties, and even my own baby shower. I had to be forced to go. What should have been one of the happiest moments of my life turned into the most horrific. I became agoraphobic. I did not make eye contact. I was a happy bubbly person who loved people and loved life, and i turned into a recluse and introvert who never hardly spoke to anyone, hardly went anywhere, barely had a life.
then one day, after my son came- it truly hit me- did I want this behavior to affect him, but most importantly, did I truly want what I looked like to define who I was, instead of the bubbly happy beautiful person I was??
It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I made the decision right then and there to live again. I called my friends, I made plans, I went to the beach, and do you want to know the truth? People did not treat me any different- sure- men might not have approached me the same way but was that really a bad thing??? lol - People spoke to me- I made friends, and I was happy-
I was me.
Your size does not determine who and what you are- only your heart, mind and soul can do that. It takes alot of courage and strength to take that first step- but like watching my son take his- one after the other it became easier until I could barely catch up with him-
and we both giggled all the way...
Sunday, March 17, 2013
ya know, somedays someone should just send you a memo and tell you how the day is going to go- lol but i cannot complain, i have lost 5 lbs and am making so many amazing friends)- the best part is that i am communicating with people that actually understand- that have walked that road and know where all the pot holes are and where all the great sights are too- and do you know what one of the hardest things to overcome for me is? The people around you- maybe they don't need or want to be healthier, but they do not really encourage and sometimes make it very hard to stay on track- or my sweet hubby will cook for me and its not a salad- lol i know that food has always been a way to show love, to comfort, nurture, and as a mom i so know that by making my children great meals gave me such a happiness, i may not be able to help with other issues ( or i'm the last person they want to talk to certain things about) but taking time to give them a wholesome meal is always such a good feeling cuse at least youre doing something!!!
Noone does anything intentionally and you know their hearts are in the right place- but maybe by making it clear that going out and getting those amazing bagles you love, that you so appreciate the gesture, but my health is the most important thing to me right now- aside form whomever you're talking to, of course and it would be so wonderful and loving of them to be your partner and help by feeding other things that you like- like taking a walk holding hands together, or just walk around the mall window shopping- or buying you flowers or taking them to their favorite events and spending the time enjoying each other- you kinda kill two birds with one stone- you get to spend quality time together and your not eating those oh so tempting bagels!
Love can be shown in so many different ways, and i know that even though those bagels ard soooo killer, spending time with my loved ones and really enjoying the day fill me up so much more!!!!
Hugs to all and God Bless!!!!
Friday, March 15, 2013
I don't remember exactly when it started, but I remember being a charter member of the diet club before 10. I had to watch everything I ate, what I couldn't eat, and being a performer and model, evolving into THE EATING DISORDER CLUB was a very easy step. My whole self worth was based on a number, and I honestly cannot say when the last time I felt comfortable with food was, and I certainly don't remember the last time I truly liked myself.
But isn't that kinda the whole point? We starve ourselves, deprive ourselves, work out until we drop just to exalt a number on a scale or on a tag of a piece of clothing, becoming a slave to what someone has decided should be "our number"?
I have been 290 pounds, and I have worn childrens clothing, and at neither time do I remember being happy with myself. It just wasn't enough, because the whole root of the problem wasn't what I looked like, but in genuinely loving myself. It truly doesn't' matter what size you wear or what you look like. It is WHO YOU ARE that makes up the person that is you. If you are truly happy and healthy mentally as well as physically, then a number shouldn't matter.
But loving yourself, and appreciating who and what you are should be your biggest goal in life. Live it! Love you! Because YOU deserve to be happy.
I have realized that nothing to do with weight can define me, and I am so happy and excited to be here, to learn how to eat for my body to be strong, to be healthy, and to love who I am.
Nothing else truly matters then, does it?
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