Friday, November 15, 2013
Another 2 weeks has gone by. I have spent much of my time eating it away, or sleeping it away. The lack of job has really gotten to me lately. I have been forcing myself to shower daily and I am trying very hard not to sneak out and buy a pack of cigarettes. It is not that I need them, I just want them. As a comfort- like cheese, and mashed potatoes, and toast with butter. I've been to the doctor another time since last I sparked. I had put on another 10 pounds. So, I am right back to where I was when I started seeing the doctor. Despite the fact that I am doing slight amounts of exercises daily as I wait for the dogs to come in from tinkling. I stand at the doorway and do doorway pushups. Which, is not great, but is way better than what I had been doing previously- the standing on the porch and having a cigarette.
Things are looking pretty dismal right now. I can say that because the husband is looking to ship the family back to Illinois due to all the problems we are having here. It started small. The outside pipe draining into the yard. We let the owners know, they said no problem was just a bit of a snake job and would be done...but no one came to deal with it.
It got to the point where the bathtub backed up each time the sink or washer was run. Then the toilet in that bathroom stopped flushing. Noticed the tub started leaking around the base. The floor is a bit soggy in there now. No big deal, there is a second bathroom. Right, we can just use it til they get around to snaking the drains.
A week later the toilet in the other bathroom stops flushing and the standup shower starts backing up. Yay. Husband called the owners of the house. Not sure he got a reply or got a fix it yourself reply because he is calling a plumber today. Despite the fact that we have less than 100 dollars to our names for the next 14 days, he will spend that on the plumber. Sad.
The daughter has been put into a special 'club' for social development assistance. Since she is an only child and does not get to play with other kids except at school. Guess she cries still in the 5th grade when people pick on her, etc. so now she has to go to a special club. She is not happy about it. I guess some of the other kids going to it are "bad kids". The ones that get sent to the office all the time. The ones that pick on her. She'd like to not spend extra time with them if at all possible. oh well.
This morning was particularly exciting. The husband woke us early so we could drive up to the gas station if we needed to go pee. The daughter back sassed every chance she got. And I promised myself I was not going to let it slip.
Normally, we celebrate "our" birthday -husband and myself- on the 14th. the day between our birthdays. This way mine gets remembered. This time, I decided to see if I would be remembered and celebrated husbands on his birthday. I made him an apple cake from scratch since we had no money and the daughter made him a card and some clay sculptures. He was less than grateful, of course.
This morning, I woke up to be told to go to the gas station to pee. That he would call the plumber and when plumber was done I could clean up the tub and shower and have a birthday shower. yay. The daughter sassed until I asked her to get the mail for me, when she refused... I sang happy birthday to me in the sad voice and she went to get the mail. Happy birthday to me.
Ah. It's been about 5 days since the doctor visit. She gave me different water pills again. I lost 5 pounds the first 2 days and another 5 pounds the next 3 days. So, I did have a bit of excess water to get rid of.
Hope everyone is having a better day than I am :( Happy Sparking!
Friday, November 01, 2013
I know I am supposed to love myself, because no one else will do that for me. But, I have just had enough of me for a while. I have found that my subconscious is a sneaky, backstabbing, evil thing. In trying to gain control of my eating again, I found myself buying food for "desserts" for every night this last pay period. Why? We never had desserts before and we got by just fine. Because I wanted them. I have been struggling with portion control and snacking since I was a child, so the subconscious needs a solid cage to be kept in.
I don't need a doctor to tell me where it all began. I don't need someone to lay me on a couch and have me tell them how it made me feel. I remember being hungry all the time as a child. Homeless, no food, sleeping in the car while mom worked at a gas station overnight, bringing us Yoohoo's for breakfast (yum.....chocolate flavored water!) Did not go to school then, so there was no school PB and J to help for lunch. Dinner time was usually whatever came off the rollers at mom's gas station job. (you know the stuff that is too old for regular people- well it was fine for us kids).
I remember going to bed hungry all the time. I remember swearing I would not go to bed hungry when I was a grown up. Well, I've managed to fulfill that vow. Sadly for me, it has caused a 350 pound person to emerge from the shadows and stay. Now I have to deal with it.
I've been thinking about how to cage up the subconscious to begin healing. Because, it really is ok to go to bed hungry. There is no need to get up at 1 am and have a snack, and there is no reason to avoid exercise. Yes, I despise exercise. I despise it because why?
I used to enjoy volley ball, swimming, and basketball. I do none of those things anymore. I was ready to just bury it all and go have a snack when the husband said some things the past few days that upset me. (of course, they were true- but hearing them said out loud was hurtful). He made sure to comment on my portion sizes, how fat the dogs are getting because I treat them for coming in, and inquired about my exercise and my weight (because he has not in a month).
The husband knows I am not even trying. The daughter knows I am not even trying, heck, I am even letting the dogs get by with overeating. Time to have a sit down with myself.
I decided to do a couple things for myself this week. I want to exercise for as long as I can, I want to be hungry (because that is the only way I am going to lose weight), and I want to get the house clean and keep it clean. Instead of waiting for it to be disgusting and then spend hours cleaning the rooms up and complaining about how much I have to do.
So, this has been day 1. It started off badly. I had 5 snack candy bars, and a double bowl of cereal. I had to really be harsh with myself, because I was going to just keep going. I was in the fridge having a look around for something good to eat right after all that junk.
I forced myself to run today. Mind you, when I say run- it is more of a trot/fast walk. Through the house. From the living room to the computer room and back is 75 ft. I ran a total of a quarter of a mile today. I also did some modified push ups, lunges, and "crunches".
When I say crunches, I mean leaning up from laying position until I feel a pull in my jelly roll midsection and trying to hold there for 5 seconds.
None of this amounts to anything if I can't keep it up. If I can just stay really sick of myself for long enough to make this a habit this time, I will have made progress. Not sure how to keep the subconscious in it's cage so that I can keep from "deserving a treat" and 'resting' today because I exercised 'earlier'.
But today, I took a baby step away from my fat self and made a baby step toward my skinny self.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
This week has been incredibly busy. I managed to finish the SQL reading materials (I use the words 'reading materials' loosely because there was no recommended reading material for the rinky dink exam I was preparing to take, so I had to improvise).
The husband recommended that I just skip the starter exam and jump right into the MCSA-SQL exams, but I just did not feel comfortable-the materials seemed way out of my league. As always, the husband went out of his way to help me along my path by purchasing me books for dummies, so that I could better understand the basics of SQL. Once I finished the books and labs, I was ready to take practice tests. Guess what?! There were no free practice tests out there. So, I made do with what I had because I was not paying 70 bucks for a practice exam for a 65 dollar exam. I went yesterday to test.
The passing score was 70%, I made a 73%. I finally got to say a bart simpson line. "I got a D-! I passed!". I am officially MTA -database certified.
Not only was all the material scarce, taking the exam was difficult as well. The closest place was an hour and a half away. That was a fun drive on lasix!
Last week we had a parent teacher conference for the brat monkey. She was super jazzed to show us around her classroom, and all the things she did on the computer for grades. She was even more excited to have her daddy come along as well!
I saw their experiment (the Preying Mantis). Holy wow, it was the size of a hot dog! It had even just laid eggs, so the daughter was especially excited to show us the bug.
She showed us the teacher's library of books. They get points for reading for a grade, their goal is to read 1 million words in a school year on their own. After 9 weeks of school, my daughter was at 50,000. Yep. That's right. I made a mental note to discuss that with the teacher. I already knew what he was going to say, the kid is brilliant but lazy. Only does what she has to do.
After she showed us around the room, I had a peek in her desk. That was a mistake. There were papers crammed in there to the point that you could not see inside it! I looked around at the insides of other desks and asked my daughter if I could claim one of the other kids as my own because they had cleaner desks. She said no. So, I took her nametag off her desk and started to move it to a cleaner desk. She was not smiling. Oh well. I tried.
The teacher talked to us about the new "standards based learning". I was very unhappy about it. My daughter has a couple of B's which does not stand for what it used to stand for. It is 'below the standard'. We are looking for E for exceeds, or M for Meets the standards. He showed us last years testing scores for the state on the daughter. There were some areas she got marked low for, and her response was hilarious. "You can't be mad at me! It was from last year! It's too late to be mad now!".
What came of the teacher conference? Oh! The daughter is super unhappy about it. She now brings home a book from the teacher's library nightly, and reads for 30 minutes. If she forgets to bring home the book, I choose a book we have here and make her read for an hour. She has not forgotten the book yet! And she now has a day where she will clean her room. And that day will also be desk cleaning day.
Not sure whether I am happy or sad to announce the entire menagerie is still alive and kicking. With it turning cold, I expect to lose the turtles though. Captive turtles just tend to do more poorly during cold weather as far as hibernating.
The biggest dog (of course, it could not be the smallest dog) has decided that with the change in the weather, she needs to be IN the bed. Every night when I go in to climb in, she jumps on my side and lays sideways. I know she is trying to make me angry. I just shove her rump and lay down. I toss my pillow on top of her rump if she does not move it enough and lay right on top of it. My 350 pound body, using her as a pillow. You would think she would be fussing to get up because it was uncomfortable. Not that dog. She thinks it is nice. She stays there until I fall asleep! When I wake up in the morning, she has moved to the floor sometime in the night, because she got too hot, not because me laying on her was uncomfortable for her! Crazy thing.
This week has been terrible for weight loss. I have been stressed about the test, so I have not been thinking about what I put in my body. Frozen pizzas, nachos, and grilled cheeses all week. YUM. But waaay too many calories.
With the test over, and me beginning to focus on the MCSA for SQL Server, I can focus on me a bit more. At least, I hope I can announce that I have been putting my health first next blog! That will be my goal!
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
So, I've been doing this on and off smoking thing the past week. I will go for a few days without smoking, the husband will do or say something that makes me feel stressed, and I will go get a pack of cigarettes. The daughter has even been keeping my little secret, where as when daddy started smoking again, she was all over tattling on him. That was the first thing she reported to me when she would come home from outings with him. (And if he "flirted" with any women, which means talked to any women in the daughter's case). The husband peeked his head out of the back door the other night and I was smoking. He was so mad that I had hidden it from him, and complained that that was where all our money was going.
Now, normally I am a very passive little sheep when he starts yelling. I let him get it all out and then I move on, but by golly I was miffed. I let him get his yelling out first, then I responded with my 5 bucks a week in cigarettes pales in comparison to your 40 bucks a week in Glenlivet. You have caused grocery bill to hike from 250 to 340 every payperiod. Well, that just made him very defensive. NOW I remember why I keep my mouth shut. His defensiveness lasts for DAYS. Better get my emotional football helmet, it is gonna be a rough week.
My husband was never a drinker. Never enjoyed beer, liquor, etc. I was very happy. That was a trait that I wanted in a man. Having a father that was drunk and abusive all the time, I sought a man that did not drink. Husband's increased drinking has made me a bit edgy, like I am waiting for the abusiveness to come. So far, he has only whined and complained that giving up his booze was like giving up his only comfort.
I do feel badly for even bringing up the cost now. He and the daughter both have given up meat and most pastas for my diet without much complaint. I cook, they eat. And now, I am taking away his treat. If he would only find a cheaper alternative for a treat! It is not like I even HAVE a treat that I get nightly, or at all.
Not sure what I am supposed to do about the husband and his need for a treat for tolerating his own family. I have decided that this is the reason so many women are portrayed in sitcoms with their rolling pins in hand, giving their husbands mean looks.
Alas, it looks like today is the day for the kingdom scrubbing of Sir Frogburt Froggington of Tupperware. When I walk by his tank, it smells like a stagnant lake...That is usually my cue to get scrubbing. He is the only one of the turtles that enjoys tank cleaning day. Daisy (whom I believe to be a boy), still despises the whole ordeal. The two sit in opposite sink basins with warm water in the bottom, waiting until I am finished with the two "habitats" as the daughter calls them.
And that is why I don't understand the need for the husband to have treats/comfort things. I am expected to do these dirtier chores (daughter is still to small to haul water back and forth, when she's home she does help give them baths though). I am up with the elderly senile dogs. Sometimes they get me up because they need to go get a drink....at 4am... and I get up and do take them out to their dish. But, I learned to not just put them back to bed when they are done drinking. Oh NO. Because in 35 minutes they will need to go tinkle. Their elderly bladders can not hold the water for very long. And then, of course, they believe they deserve a treat for all their hard work, drinking and tinkling, and will refuse to come back inside until they hear the words "doggie treats".
I am unsure....perhaps my having all day to do all these things is my treat/comfort. I am leaning toward the philosophy that the presence of breasts negates the need for something special to deal with family on a daily basis. That the breasts are a magical device that makes the wearer immune to such things as stress, annoyance, and selfish needs/wants. And that mine are defective. There must have been a recall and I missed it.
Friday, October 18, 2013
I was doing my whole "I'm hungry", open fridge, nothing there worth eating (worth eating = worth spending time preparing), and returning to what I was doing, repeating every thirty minutes or so.
It got so annoying to me that I began cleaning out the fridge. Forcing myself to peek into those containers with puffed up lids-even the ones that were leaking a little. I managed to do it, and the result was a total loss of appetite! Once the fridge was cleared of excess containers, it was rather bare looking. (which is good, most stuff is in the crisper drawer because it is fruits or veggies). I feel terribly sorry for the garbage man who has to lift that bag up and toss it in his truck.
As far as smoking, I fell off the wagon for a bit, and am back on it again. It's been 2days since I smoked. It is not an "I want a smoke!" it is an "I am so bored and do not want my hands to put food in my face!" that drives me to the cigarette. I have managed to get back down to where I was when I stopped regularly checking and blogging as far as weight. Which means a 12 pound loss total the past 3 weeks.
I should feel great about it, but it is an empty victory. It was all water. I wish I could say, all 200 pounds of excess weight is water, and the magical water pill will shed it off for me. But, if I am remotely reasonable with myself, that is a fairy tale. I need to pick an exercise and do it every day. I have tried everything and nothing is working out. Can't force myself into a habit of exercise. If I could just get over this self image I have of myself. Too fat to exercise, can't do the workouts properly, painful and/or uncomfortable, there is no point in doing them, I will just wait til something more suited to myself comes along. Pretty sure I will never see a success story of someone who lost 200 pounds doing absolutely no exercise! So, I will pick something and do it every day. Every single day, no matter how much I hate it- and I will HATE every second of it.
Still archiving rejection letters for my numerous applications sent every day. Bit of a stalemate on what to do about that. Should I focus my days on getting employed, or getting a second certification which would help me become employed....Husband is "gently nudging toward certification". Which means he is asking hourly how the studying is coming along, and when I will be ready to test.
We have been too destitute for science this paycheck. Hoping next paycheck to do peanut brittle. Will have to wait and see what the grocery list looks like before ingredients can be added to the list. The lack of something to do in the evenings causes a terrible, almost ear numbing sound to come from the daughter. It's a constant noise, and I have managed to make out some actual words in the terrible sounds. A wailing/whining noise with the words "I'm", "sooooo", "BOoooorrrreeeeddd". I have had to put her to bed early several nights due to the terrible noise she creates. I hope it is not a serious thing. If she is not over it in a few more days, perhaps a doctor visit will be in order. I would hate to think that this noise will be a chronic thing, it is unbearable torture!
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