JILLYMAUI   15,591
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JILLYMAUI's Recent Blog Entries

The Grind

Saturday, November 09, 2013

So I have been having a rough emotional patch, to say the least. The details will not be revealed, suffice it to say this is the type of crap I used to overeat over and drink over as well. Since I do not actively partake in those addictions anymore I am left with feeling my feelings, and fighting the urge to compulsively eat.
How is this working?? Well its a grind. I am getting to more meetings, letting friends help and feeling my feelings and it really sucks. I always 'used' food/booze to repress, eradicate and eliminate intense emotional feelings, but now that I am 6 months plus off the extra food and decades off booze, I am left here to actually use the steps and tools laid out before me if I choose to use them.
So I am making gratitude lists, doubling up on meetings, talking to people privately, coming clean in a safe way, eating right, went to swim 5 days this week, heck I even quit my job to take better care of my health. I am also journaling, writing haikus, reading about it and talking to mentors who will listen. I am letting go. Its all very tough right now.

Another thing I did was OWN the first 100 pounds I lost a decade ago, see I used to weigh 400 pounds, but that was long ago and I have been losing and gaining THIS 100 pounds over and over again in the last 10 years, so in actuality I have lost over 133 pounds total, so I am owning that now, and I changed my tracker to show the real numbers, I think I was slightly embarrassed to have weighed 400 at one time, but its the truth, so now I am up to date.

Honest, open-minded, willing.

I do know I am willing to do whatever I need to do, whether that is to feel these feelings, or go the distance. I am NOT willing to overeat today to feel better, cause that stopped working for me a long time ago, oh of course there is fleeting joy in a 1 pound box of chocolates but then, my blood sugar flies sky high, my kidneys scream, my blood pressure shoots up and I could be hospitalized before long, today I would rather live than die, so I am willing to remain on my healthy food plan a day at a time. No matter how much it hurts to feel pain.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JILLYMAUI 11/11/2013 6:03PM

    Thanks so much for the kind words of support, today is better, and I am so glad. emoticon

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HEALTHYSLIM2 11/11/2013 3:58PM

    Awesome blog! You are doing GREAT!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
Although the most important person is you, and how you feel about yourself, I am so proud of you! emoticon emoticon
Keep it up and trust the process. It is clear from this blog you are doing all the right things. Tough as it is, you are doing it and you CAN do it!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CATLADY52 11/10/2013 2:13PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KITT52 11/9/2013 3:57PM

    emoticon one day at a time

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PROUD-GRANDMA 11/9/2013 3:17PM

    emoticon

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CINDYTW 11/9/2013 10:50AM

  I went through this same "adjustment" to feeling feelings when I quit smoking. I had smoked since I was 14, so I had no idea how to deal with real emotions that weren't blunted by nicotine. For me, the more it happens and the more I go through things, the easier it is and the more you will feel like you can handle it the next time. emoticon

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Good News from Doctor !

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Well, I usually hate going to the doctor but yesterday was awesome. I did labs on Sunday and got results back on Tuesday and saw Dr. on Wednesday, so its been busy.
I have had severe kidney disease for over a year, I get a GFR test (blood test) which determines my kidney function, mine had gone down to as low as 21. At 15 I would have to go on dialysis, so I stopped everything I was doing, eliminated some meds and ALOT of foods and have gotten busy getting healthy this year, swimming about 10 hours a week also.

My GFR has been in the 20's this whole year, just hovering in the 'severe stage' of kidney disease, and btw kidneys do not correct themselves, like lungs and livers...... they get worse and die. So......... my GFR was up to 32 ! I am OUT of severe stage and into moderate kidney disease, which is a whole lot better, WOW! The doctor kept saying INCREDIBLE yesterday, she was so happy for me.

Guess its not surprising that I was over the moon~ more good news followed, I have lost another 4 pounds so that makes 33 since April, and my diabetes number went down to 5.5 or an overall average of 111 per day. It had been at 10.8 previously, this is the HA1c test that shows 3 months of blood sugar readings. Another big plus.

So...... I am feeling pretty happy about now.

I've worked hard, eating only healthy real food, only produce and protein since April and working out 10 hours every week at the gym too. I also go to support group meetings that help tremendously, a 12 step group.

Today altho food may still call my name occasionally it is NOT screaming it or bansheeing it all day and all night long. It is in a good place with me now, I eat my healthy meals and say Thank YOU!

I have a long way to go and for me it is one day at a time, I cannot live in tomorrow and yesterday is over, so all I have is today, just now really.

Am I helping myself or hurting myself? What do I really want? And how far am I going to go to get it?

Right now I am helping myself, I am not self harming with too much food. Right now I want health above all else, looking better is nice, but I want to live baby, live. Vanity is out the window, this is about life today.

That is what I really want and I am willing to do anything to get it. I am willing to workout daily, plan healthy meals and eat them, take care of my soul and my emotions by getting help from friends, family and my own higher power I choose to call God today. What length am I willing to go to? ANY!

I will do whatever I have to do, with help from all, to get where I want to go, and live as long as I can, today that is more important that anything that goes in my mouth, or any negative thoughts that pound my head or heart. I can see light at the end of the tunnel, and I will get there, if I am careful, willing, honest, hardworking and hopeful.

Thanks for reading this far, love and kisses ~ Jill




me on Saturday at the Aloha Festival, October 5, 2013









  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMHISTORY1 10/18/2013 2:04PM

    Great job! Nothing like a serious health crisis alarm to get our attention!!! woooohoooo for you!

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HWNHMMBRD 10/13/2013 4:30PM

    THAT IS SO TOTALLY emoticon !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon Sorry, I know all cap can be rude, but as someone who works in Health Care, I wish there were more people like you. You decided you weren't going to surrender to your diagnosis, researched and took steps to reclaim your health. Sending you a big hug and all my Aloha, you have been a big inspiration to me.

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CATLADY52 10/12/2013 7:19PM

    Keep doing what you are doing because it Works! emoticon

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HEALTHYSLIM2 10/12/2013 1:43PM

    SO happy for you!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
It is so awesome to see all your hard work paying off. Proud of you, Jill!!! Keep up the great work!
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SKATER787 10/11/2013 9:51AM

    Excellent. Glad to hear the good news. Keep up the good work. emoticon

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JILLYMAUI 10/10/2013 7:15PM

    Thanks so much for the kind words...... its been such a struggle I had to share my good news~ emoticon

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WETPTARMIGAN 10/10/2013 12:56PM

    Isn't it great to know you can and are making a better and healthier and longer life for yourself!! Congratulations! emoticon

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WHYNOTJ1 10/10/2013 9:38AM

    I hope all your doctor appointments from here on are as awesome as this. All your hard work is paying off with great results! Yay!

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DEERLADY45 10/10/2013 8:39AM

    I love when i go to the doc and get great news and WOW did you hear it ! im excited for you and i hope it just keeps getting Better !

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon BONZ

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KELSEY54 10/10/2013 8:27AM

    Jill what wonderful news. Your attitude and determination is so inspiring. You seem to have it all under control now and as you said, one day at a time, live for today and tomorrow will follow and will be a new day with new challenges. emoticon emoticon

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CHIPLEY_FL 10/10/2013 7:19AM

    Wonderful and what in inspiration!

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CINDYTW 10/9/2013 11:53PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PROUD-GRANDMA 10/9/2013 11:33PM

    All that hard work paid off! Woo Hoo! You are truly an inspiration. Live in the moment! I love it!

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PINKNFITCARLA 10/9/2013 10:14PM

    emoticon emoticon

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STEVEN_D 10/9/2013 8:42PM

    Wow, great lab results. It makes you feel good to get your doctor excited. Way to go!!!

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PAMNANGEL 10/9/2013 7:11PM

    emoticon emoticon

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First Athletic Challenge EVER!

Friday, August 23, 2013

This is kind of huge for me, I earned a sweet little steel blue tee shirt for participating in a group challenge at my gym. I have never, ever in my life participated in ANY athletic competition or challenge and that is why this is such a big deal for me.
So I have been swimming 5 days a week for 4 months now, from 90-120 minutes each time, including an aerobics class in the pool and then exercising on my own too. This comes up to about 80 sessions or roughly 150 hours I am guessing. I have been keeping track of it on the fitness counter here but that is approximately the amount I have been working out in the pool. That combined with a strict food plan and a great support group and I have lost 29 pounds to date, after about 10 years of not losing any weight and trying quite a few different diets.
But why is this little tee shirt such a big thing? Its because I am not an athlete, I never have been, I rock the couch as a general rule, and no one gets much exercise that way. In fact I was sort of an anti-athlete, not that I don't appreciate others who can do this stuff, it was just never me.

Oh I swam alot before, but it was mostly for fun and frolic, in the ocean or in a pool, just playing, now I am gaining muscles by working out in the water. I run in the water, and jog and build muscles with the various tools we use too, on Tuesday I do tabata training in the water, this stuff is hard. I had muscles that had atrophied before from lack of use.

So what was the challenge I did to earn the tee? I had to register, get a card, go to 15 classes and get my card stamped. Doesn't seem like a big deal, I mean I have been to about 80 classes anyway, but I got something for my effort this time and that was so cool ! I have gotten lots for my effort, I no longer inject insulin, my blood pressure med is lowered significantly and then there is the feeling of well being, happiness and oh that weight loss.

My health is improving, exercise really does work. I will keep this blue steel hard as nails tee shirt for all time. I feel like I am hard as nails now too, but you couldn't tell to look at me, I am calm and relaxed these days, no drama mama, no stress, nothing and no one can take this away from me.
I have earned it ! ! !








  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HWNHMMBRD 8/25/2013 3:35PM

    emoticon You rock! Enjoy that shirt, and maybe you can frame it when it gets too big. emoticon

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HEALTHYSLIM2 8/24/2013 8:17PM

    emoticon emoticon
Enjoy that t-shirt, but most of all that feeling of well-being which you have earned!!

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CINDYTW 8/24/2013 12:28AM

  emoticon emoticon Little things in life are the big things!! Enjoy it!

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THRIVE2DAY 8/23/2013 8:23PM

    emoticon

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JBALDWIN29 8/23/2013 8:09PM

  Way to go girl.

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WOW So happy I lost more weight!

Friday, August 16, 2013

I was going to write about my zen hot tub experience, or my spiritual/fitness retreat over the weekend at Tahoe, or about how I am loving swimming 2 hours a day, but instead I want to write about losing 7 more pounds yesterday at the doctor!

I am really pleased, I was driving to the doctor yesterday after 2 hours of water exercise and I really was having some mental obsession time going on between my ears ~ I kept thinking, OK I don't think I have lost more weight, Ok I probably did NOT lose any more weight, but maybe I did not gain any too, well, if I did gain ok at least I still do not have to take insulin anymore, and maybe I did lose a little weight, but I don't feel like I have, I don't know, I don't know, I don't freaking KNOW!!!!

By the time I got to the doctor I was pretty worked up, and I had to WAIT! It was agony. About 45 minutes of waiting, more mental gymnastics of the negative nature, people kept getting called in who arrived after me, I finally told the receptionist, I have been here 45 minutes, I think they forgot me, of all days! Exasperation!!!!

So I got called in and got my shingles shot, yep it is time now to do that, ugh, I do not like shots, never have, that's why 4 injections of insulin per day were so hard for me!

Finally after the shot I went to get on the scale I always weigh on, and never more than 1 time a month and ONLY for accountability..... and I practically cart wheeled off the scale, I had lost 7 more pounds! WOO HOO! Golly, I said out loud, I lost 7 more pounds, I was sooooooo surprised.

I have been building muscle, its now all over my body, we do weight training right in the water daily, and over the weekend in Tahoe I did not swim at all, too cold, so between no exercise for 3 days and a heavy dinner the night before (all Paleo tho) at Outback I was SURE I had blown any chance of losing weight, but nope, I lost 7 more, so now in 4 months I have lost 27 pounds, which I am very pleased with, I don't want to lose it any quicker than this, in a couple of years I may be able to lose the majority of what I need to lose, maybe, who knows.

What I do know if I feel about 100% better and my diabetes is now under control for the first time in about 20 years and I am doing better, one day at a time.

Thank YOU!!!! World, people, program, God, friends, family, swimming, paleo, prayer and more!

Love, Jill




About 10 days ago, playing guitar with my 3 buddies, so much good fun!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WHYNOTJ1 8/19/2013 11:54AM

    How wonderful! emoticon

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KARENKANDO 8/19/2013 7:14AM

    You ARE amazing and I am sooooo happy for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HWNHMMBRD 8/18/2013 4:04PM

    You look so happy playing your guitar! Way to go with your progress.

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JILLYMAUI 8/17/2013 5:25PM

    Hi Finishingrace....... how did I get to the point of weighing once a month only???

it wasn't easy ..... I just had to tho, the scale was making me nuts, has cost me success more than once in the past, and just causes an obsessive thinking syndrome in me that is not self-loving. So I gave it up except once a month at the doctors for accountability and to make sure I am doing something right with my food and exercise.

I still am terribly bothered when anticipating weighing, like I was sure that I had not lost any weight but I did....... go figure!

Jilly

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PINKNFITCARLA 8/16/2013 11:56PM

    emoticon emoticon

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AVONWITHJENN 8/16/2013 9:57PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PROUD-GRANDMA 8/16/2013 2:05PM

    emoticon

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MAUITN 8/16/2013 2:03PM

    What a BLESSING!!!! Congratulations and good job.

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MTNGRL 8/16/2013 12:48PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CINDYTW 8/16/2013 11:50AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FINISHINGRACE 8/16/2013 11:43AM

    Jill, congratulation on your most recent loss. I can't even think about only weighing once a month--how did you get to that place?

KD

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SIMLANNA 8/16/2013 11:42AM

    Don't forget to thank emoticon yourself too!

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Hungry: But its NOT Dinner Time

Friday, August 02, 2013

Okay ..... lets get real, I have been having food thoughts this afternoon, lots of them, my mind is trying to make me go eat something that is NOT time to eat. I've been thinking, ok I could have a few of those new walnuts I bought today. Or I could go look in the fridge and see what is there, but I already know what is in there. Or blah blah blah...... I know this merry go round, and its crazy making. I know this is not a good thing for me to be giving any energy to at all. I know I need to STOP, and PAUSE, push pause button now please { PAUSE } and breathe.

Because it is NOT dinner time, I have already eaten a nice breakfast of eggs and watermelon, I had a peach and about 5 nuts after my 2 hours of swimming at the pool, and when I got home I had a late lunch, only about 2 hours ago of a chicken breast and a half a plate of strawberries. It will not even be close to dinner until at least 2 hours from now, 3 would be better. So I cannot go graze the fridge or cupboards for something to EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have enough faith in my program to know if I wait this will pass, if I do not give in and take my self will back, I will not make the poor choice to break my abstinence and eat something bad for me, or not on my plan. I have a loving higher power who wants me to learn to love myself enough to NOT hurt myself with food any more, like I have for so long and so devastatingly. Overeating is bad for me, it is not a loving caring thing for me to do to myself, it is harmful to me on so many levels.

If I did overeat now how would I feel? Well I would feel pretty sorry for myself, and ashamed too. I would feel like a failure again. I would feel like I might lose track and get off the beam so to speak. I cannot afford to take the first compulsive bite, I cannot do it. If I do then I am making that food my higher power, and I do not want to do that today.

So I am powerless over these food cravings and my life is unmanageable at the moment because of them.
Altho my brain wants food my body does not need it and it is not the healthy part of my brain that is singing the food siren song to me today. So that makes me powerless, but I do believe in my program and in a power much much greater than me that can return my sanity to me.

I know it because this has happened for the last 103 days. I have been given sane eating for 103 days and that means I have ONE more day of sane eating available to me. So what do I do? I know I am making a decision to turn my will and my life over to the god of my understanding, no one else', mine. My God loves me and will help me as long as I ask for help, and I am doing that now. Please God, take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery and show me how to live.

I wrote this to help myself be real about this process and this hunger I was feeling. I feel better already and I feel stronger now, God gives me ALL the power I need to not eat anything in the kitchen, be it good or bad or anything else, I can wait til dinner. So,I am going to drink a bottle of water, watch my Giants play Tampa Bay and stay true to my program. Thank you God for the most wonderful program I have ever known to help me battle my addiction to food.

That's all I've got~

Jilly









  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHYSLIM2 8/6/2013 3:31AM

    emoticon blog!
emoticon
Just like HWNHMMBRD, if it is okay with your plan, I have found hot tea with lemon really helps me a lot to get over an "I have to Eat!" moment!
Keep up the great work!
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HWNHMMBRD 8/4/2013 3:45PM

    Hot water help me when I get that way. I don't know if tea is paleo, but hot green tea when I want flavor. Glad you got through the whole thing.

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JILLYMAUI 8/3/2013 4:05PM

    Got thru it all, it was the writing it all out that helped the most, had my big salad at 8pm and was fine all night long~ there is a way to not overeat just for today, I just have to follow the suggestions.

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KITT52 8/3/2013 3:00AM

    when I feel this this way and I am not really hungry I eat 1/2 a cucumber or celery..if that doesn't sound good It usually means I am not really hungry.....just want to eat...
hope you figured it out

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CINDYTW 8/3/2013 12:39AM

  So I read this and think, are you really HUNGRY (like stomach growling)? If SO, then you should have a healthy snack. Depriving ACTUAL hunger is counterproductive your body will rebel and hold fat. I suggest a half portion of a meal if you are really hungry, with the stomach growling too. For a CRAVING you did the right thing. emoticon

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