JJ625JONES   983
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JJ625JONES's Recent Blog Entries

I Don't Know, Bad Day or Good?

Monday, November 11, 2013

Not sure if today was bad or good, well why should there be only those two categories? I'd say today went along slowly, and there were a few stumbles. Like when I zoned out at work, thinking too hard about my weight and how bad I feel about myself. I must've looked out of it because my co-worker said "are you ok? do you need some water or anything?" I turned a shade of red and just said "no thank you I'm fine". emoticon

Yes, today was my first day back at work since I got sick. (YES!) And after a nerve-wracking talk with my boss, where she expressed some concern over my so many sick days, I was back, baby! Well.... sort of... not really. I had a hard time falling back in the rhythm of things and I felt like an outsider. So many days have passed, and so many things have happened there, and here I am, stuck on slow.

I realized I hate a lot of things about myself today. I love myself though, although sometimes I have bad days too. But I hate my weight, how big I've gotten. It's got to change. I cannot continue like this.

Although good things happened, I went to work and then shopping, for some reason, I'd say today ... it feels like a bad day. emoticon

Hoping tomorrow is easier for me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2014TODAY 8/24/2014 10:38AM

    I was going through older posts at the SP forum and read one of yours and then read some of your blogs. I wonder how you are doing now?

I'm a recovering binge eater too. What is helping me now is the books by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. If you are very sensitive to many types of food maybe reading his work might help, for example 'Fasting and eating for health' and 'Eat to live'.
If you should come back to SP, I hope you'll add me as a friend.

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CERTHIA 11/12/2013 1:13PM

    Aww, I hope so also. Be kind to yourself if you can. :)

Good for you for getting back to work, even if you did feel a bit out of it. It's hard to get back in the flow of things if you've been away for long, but give it a few days, I'm sure you'll adjust.

Take care!

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Stupid Me, Stupid People But Oh Yeah Did I Say Stupid Me?

Saturday, November 09, 2013

Stupid. Stupid stupid. I feel... dumbfounded. And hurt. And depressed.

I was with a few "friends" and I overheard them talking about me. This is what they said: "Have you seen Jenny? She looks like she's a 50 year old woman, look at her! What did she do with herself?? " (The 'look at what she looks like' is implied. It really hurt and it's been bothering me all day. I KNOW I look BAD but COME ON!!!! emoticon

Anyways that's been on my mind the whole day and it's the most hurtful thing anyone's said to me in awhile, because it's so personal. HOW DARE SHE?? I'm not mad/still stuck on hurt. And tears. Yep tears are flowing freely.

I also feel so bad about myself today, because of that comment, but hey that's not new. I feel like I've given up on dressing myself up and fixing my hair and wearing makeup. I just don't see the point. I hear some people say plus size girls should take better care of themselves than skinny girls because, well, they're plus sized. I read an article about that. I don't know, I just do what I feel and what I feel like doing is ... nothing. Why draw attention to myself if I don't have the confidence to back it up? I'm so disappointed in myself for getting this big.

Please, someone, say something.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HDHAWK 11/9/2013 7:59PM

    I'm not sure I'd consider those people friends. If you're at all like me you don't have the nerve to say anything to them. If I did have the nerve I'd tell them if they can't say supportive things to me I'd rather they not talk about me at all. I've gained more weight than I ever thought I would but I still wear makeup and do my hair. It makes me feel better.

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GREEN-EYED-LADY 11/9/2013 4:14PM

    People can be SO CRUEL ! Please try to ignore those shallow thoughtless "friends". Don't worry about what you look like. Work on developing a healthier lifestyle and you will have a healthier body and feel better about yourself. I've added you as a SparkFriend.

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DEB62BIE62 11/9/2013 3:50PM

    So sorry to hear that someone said such hurtful things. People can be so callous. Just be encouraged to know that you are on Spark People and you are doing something to take care of yourself, and ignore those people. Don't feel stupid. We just make wrong choices, but as long as we do something to change that, we can be proud of ourselves. emoticon emoticon

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Coming Off a Binge

Friday, November 08, 2013

I think I'm always going to have thoughts that bother me, that interact with my food choices. Maybe not for every meal, but there's always going to be me talking myself out of overeating. It's much better than it was before, MUCH MUCH Better. Maybe with time and hard work on my part it'll get completely better and go away.

I am talking about bingeing.(If you want to know what I've been up to read my last two blogs. Don't feel like bringing that up. Although if you comment about it, I won't mind and will appreciate it.)

I want to thank everyone that took time out of their day to respond to my-no exaggeration- cry for help and for support. It made me feel less alone going through this. Perhaps I need to find help from a therapist to help me some more. Although I'm identifying my thoughts and thinking pattern before I binge, I always seem to reach for something. I still need to figure out how to STOP and just shake it off.

Because of my situation, I think a firm meal plan would benefit me. When I haven't planned what to eat, I may not have anything in my house to eat (so many restrictions) so I end up ordering in or take-out.

But when I have a meal plan, it gives me a sense of reassurance that I am on top of my struggle, struggle to lose weight and overeat. It makes me feel better because I feel more prepared and honestly? Happier. I'm a much happier person when I am exercising and eating well. When I stop I feel miserable. I suppose I'll have to make a note of that once I go back to the gym: Don't miss a scheduled workout! It'll lead to low mood.

I of course can't go to the gym now, I am sick. But I can make a meal plan to follow. And, track my food. I think I'll get better at tracking if I can sit for half an hour and track my meals for the whole week. Then, it's simply a matter of logging on and making sure I have the foods at home.

I also think I need to soothe myself, from the inside, I need to give myself a little more care now. I'm looking forward to decorating my house for Christmas (starting next week) and embracing the spirit of the season. My faith in God is proving to be a lot more unshakeable than in the past, and I know that this time in my life is only temporary and God will see me through.

There's so many things I want to do and I don't want to keep stopping myself from living all my dreams. I am my greatest barrier.

I am feeling better than I did 2 days ago. I am slowly bringing myself back from the bad. Slowly is good enough for me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOVELYBANDIT 11/8/2013 12:57PM

    Have food available. That's something my husband and I try to do now. That way we don't go to the store and buy a pizza; we have the frozen veggie packets ALWAYS in our freezer-- add a little pasta sauce and BAM! Always have healthy snacks too; like apples and grapes. I can pig out on grapes all day an not worry about it. It helps me a lot. I am guilty of mindless eating but the grapes make it easy to grab a handful and not feel bad. And water. Always have water available, In a bottle, nearby. Drink water first then go for snacks. Half the time our bodies are just thirsty anyway.

You can do this! We are all here to help :)

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I Hope to Feel Better After This

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

I am writing this with the hope I will feel better when I finish. I feel so low right now.
I'm feeling low because i hate my weight. I don't know what happened but my meal plan i made went out the window. I think I'm going to go back on it because i feel awful right now. Just awful.

I'm hoping to go to the gym next week. Haven't worked out in a month, had a bad cough the whole time.

I have a mini bag of jaw breakers from Halloween in tempted to eat. I just had one lollipop now so i don't think i should, especially since i ate a bag yesterday.

If you want to know how close i came to binge ing today, read my last blog. I said no.

Boy, it's been a rough day so i feel like crap.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JJ625JONES 11/8/2013 10:20AM

    http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
ublic_journal_individual.asp?bl
og_id=5535672

This is my latest blog post. I didnt want to read what I wrote yesterday-felt so awful- but I want to say thank you to every one of you that replied to me. May God bless you.

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ALIALI2013 11/7/2013 11:06AM

    You know what, you just shake it off, get right back up on that "horse' and start again. Don't ever let one downfall make you stop moving towards that goal, ever.

we've all fallen and had to start again, all of us, so you're not alone in that. Take those temptations and give them away, get rid of them, but make sure they're not where they'll be tempting you.

Instead, get something, fruit, veggies, anything, that you can reach for instead when you head for those nasty things.

As for your meal plan, have you been using the nutritional page on SP, because that's what I use, and for me it's a lifesaver. I post everything I eat on there and it definitely keeps me from overeating everytime, and I was horrible at doing that. I need that thing, because otherwise I'd always overeat.

Once I reach my values, I stop. It puts me on 2 snacks in between meals and boy with that and drinking the 8 glasses of water, it does wonders. I used to hate drinking water, but now I love it.

Try all those things, trust me, you'll get used to it, and it will help.

I wish you lots of luck!

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CERTHIA 11/7/2013 3:50AM

    Life happens, good intentions fly out the window for various reasons. It happens to everyone. Don't beat yourself up over slipping, just brush yourself off and keep trying. (I planned a jog on Tuesday, and instead I had an anxiety attack, followed by its good pals agoraphobia and insomnia.. I've barely been out of the door since Tuesday morning. Ugh..)

Tracking is a great tool to keep accountable. Still, finding delicious nutritious food to eat instead of the junk is even more important! Now, if you aren't one to eat bland oatmeal and enjoy it, then don't. Eat something tasty instead, preferably choose something that will keep your blood-glucose from roller-coasting, but at least chose something that agrees with you.

Apples with peanut-butter? Salad with grilled/roasted chicken and avocados? A delicious spicy veggie and lentil stew? Tart apples with soy-yogurt and nuts/seeds (and a little agave if you need the sweet.)?

Re take-out; Asian cooking (apart from Indian) is almost _always_ dairy-free, and often gluten-free. Have you tried eating green papaya salad (Thai. healthy, hot and tart)? Grilled chicken satay with peanut-sauce (Thai. Creamy and sweet, still dairy-free. Candy-like, but with nutrients and protein)? Sushi? Miso-soup? Some of these will easily pack a few calories, but they are still better for you than latte and doughnuts..
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JJ625JONES 11/6/2013 10:20PM

    You're right. Thank you. Tomorrow I'm going to start tracking, or at least writing down my meals. I feel better when I'm prepared. Because i want this. Feeling to go away and i know it will once I'm doing the things ineed to do.

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BRYANBABY3 11/6/2013 10:10PM

    Just hang in there. You can do it. I have days or even weeks I get off track but there is no shame in that. The only shame is in giving up altogether.

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I Still Struggle Sometimes...

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

But now I have stronger willpower. I read somewhere willpower is not enough to lose weight because it doesn't last. Eventually, you give in. It's still something for me to sit here and decide that no, i will not be going overboard with the junk today.

So this is what happened:
I'm STILL sick. So I could either go to the grocery store but no, don't really feel like it so I'm going to Mcdonalds. One Mcdonalds meal is not going to break me, but it could've if I hadn't decided against getting all the extra junk.

Extra junk meaning: 4 coffees, for myself. YES you read right, FOUR. I am not a coffee drinker, but felt like it (in the moment!) and decided I would get 1 mocha, 1 latte, 1 peppermint flavoured mocha, and 1 hot chocolate. ON TOP OF my Mcdonalds meal. (Talk about a latte!) (Sorry! Couldn't resist!) I think the main reason for wanting them was for the taste. I love coffee, just doesnt agree with me. I love how I feel when I drink caffeinated drinks, but that was not my reason for wanting them at all. (I guess if you cut out anything long enough you'll want it like crazy). And I didn't stop there.

I wanted to go to the coffee shop- no not for more coffee- for a DOZEN doughnuts. I dont think I wouldve eaten the whole dozen, but was planning on eating 6, and I probably wouldve grazed on them throughout the day.

So if I went through this, I wouldve had a few brief moments of pleasure and then felt sick for the next 3 days! I decided against it!

Before, maybe I wouldve gone through with it but now I think Im getting stronger or something because I decided not to do that! (Why self sabotage after all).

I have to be careful though because then my mind went to the leftover halloween candy i have, and also last time I said NO to junk, I ended up bingeing on OTHER junk at home. I feel like Ive learnt from that though, and wont do it again. (At least not today!)

Its just not worth it. So not worth it. Hate how my minds been conditioned (because of me! and my actions in the past!) to work that way though, but Im fighting through it. Its about all I can do.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JJ625JONES 11/8/2013 10:18AM

    http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
ublic_journal_individual.asp?bl
og_id=5535672

This is my latest blog entry, I want to say thank you for your comments. I just didn't feel like reading what I wrote when I was feeling bad, but I still wanted to say thanks.

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CERTHIA 11/7/2013 3:26AM

    Oh honey! I'm so happy you decided not to. All that dairy and gluten, you would have been so ill..
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JENRAQTAY87 11/6/2013 11:45AM

    On Sparkradio they talk about cravings in a way like if you want it, make sure you want it at a 10. If you ask yourself "how much do I want this?" and it's only a 6 or 7, don't get it. If it's a 10, indulge yourself! emoticon

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JJ625JONES 11/6/2013 11:38AM

    I had given up chocolate for about 2 months for that reason (plus it doesn't agree with me too much). I'd eat a chocolate bar, then start thinking about when am i going to have the next one, planning it out, almost obsessing and then I couldn't wait until "next time" so I'd have one the next day or day after... eventually I thought, you know what, this is like self sabotage, so I just gave it up. Did not miss it one bit (I would just smell chocolate and that would be enough for me lol)

(After about 2 months I had a chocolate bar when I really wanted it, not just the taste, and it was so much more satisfying! I've given it up again now though)

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JENRAQTAY87 11/6/2013 11:28AM

    I know what you mean! My son's father is really thin and always has unhealthy food around the house. We have a bowl of Halloween candy just sitting on the kitchen table right now. I try not to look at it or even have one piece because it would lead to me eating the whole damn thing.

McDonald's coffee is pretty good if you get there early enough that it's not burnt. Lol.

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