Monday, November 11, 2013
Not sure if today was bad or good, well why should there be only those two categories? I'd say today went along slowly, and there were a few stumbles. Like when I zoned out at work, thinking too hard about my weight and how bad I feel about myself. I must've looked out of it because my co-worker said "are you ok? do you need some water or anything?" I turned a shade of red and just said "no thank you I'm fine".
Yes, today was my first day back at work since I got sick. (YES!) And after a nerve-wracking talk with my boss, where she expressed some concern over my so many sick days, I was back, baby! Well.... sort of... not really. I had a hard time falling back in the rhythm of things and I felt like an outsider. So many days have passed, and so many things have happened there, and here I am, stuck on slow.
I realized I hate a lot of things about myself today. I love myself though, although sometimes I have bad days too. But I hate my weight, how big I've gotten. It's got to change. I cannot continue like this.
Although good things happened, I went to work and then shopping, for some reason, I'd say today ... it feels like a bad day.
Hoping tomorrow is easier for me.
Saturday, November 09, 2013
Stupid. Stupid stupid. I feel... dumbfounded. And hurt. And depressed.
I was with a few "friends" and I overheard them talking about me. This is what they said: "Have you seen Jenny? She looks like she's a 50 year old woman, look at her! What did she do with herself?? " (The 'look at what she looks like' is implied. It really hurt and it's been bothering me all day. I KNOW I look BAD but COME ON!!!!
Anyways that's been on my mind the whole day and it's the most hurtful thing anyone's said to me in awhile, because it's so personal. HOW DARE SHE?? I'm not mad/still stuck on hurt. And tears. Yep tears are flowing freely.
I also feel so bad about myself today, because of that comment, but hey that's not new. I feel like I've given up on dressing myself up and fixing my hair and wearing makeup. I just don't see the point. I hear some people say plus size girls should take better care of themselves than skinny girls because, well, they're plus sized. I read an article about that. I don't know, I just do what I feel and what I feel like doing is ... nothing. Why draw attention to myself if I don't have the confidence to back it up? I'm so disappointed in myself for getting this big.
Please, someone, say something.
Friday, November 08, 2013
I think I'm always going to have thoughts that bother me, that interact with my food choices. Maybe not for every meal, but there's always going to be me talking myself out of overeating. It's much better than it was before, MUCH MUCH Better. Maybe with time and hard work on my part it'll get completely better and go away.
I am talking about bingeing.(If you want to know what I've been up to read my last two blogs. Don't feel like bringing that up. Although if you comment about it, I won't mind and will appreciate it.)
I want to thank everyone that took time out of their day to respond to my-no exaggeration- cry for help and for support. It made me feel less alone going through this. Perhaps I need to find help from a therapist to help me some more. Although I'm identifying my thoughts and thinking pattern before I binge, I always seem to reach for something. I still need to figure out how to STOP and just shake it off.
Because of my situation, I think a firm meal plan would benefit me. When I haven't planned what to eat, I may not have anything in my house to eat (so many restrictions) so I end up ordering in or take-out.
But when I have a meal plan, it gives me a sense of reassurance that I am on top of my struggle, struggle to lose weight and overeat. It makes me feel better because I feel more prepared and honestly? Happier. I'm a much happier person when I am exercising and eating well. When I stop I feel miserable. I suppose I'll have to make a note of that once I go back to the gym: Don't miss a scheduled workout! It'll lead to low mood.
I of course can't go to the gym now, I am sick. But I can make a meal plan to follow. And, track my food. I think I'll get better at tracking if I can sit for half an hour and track my meals for the whole week. Then, it's simply a matter of logging on and making sure I have the foods at home.
I also think I need to soothe myself, from the inside, I need to give myself a little more care now. I'm looking forward to decorating my house for Christmas (starting next week) and embracing the spirit of the season. My faith in God is proving to be a lot more unshakeable than in the past, and I know that this time in my life is only temporary and God will see me through.
There's so many things I want to do and I don't want to keep stopping myself from living all my dreams. I am my greatest barrier.
I am feeling better than I did 2 days ago. I am slowly bringing myself back from the bad. Slowly is good enough for me.
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
I am writing this with the hope I will feel better when I finish. I feel so low right now.
I'm feeling low because i hate my weight. I don't know what happened but my meal plan i made went out the window. I think I'm going to go back on it because i feel awful right now. Just awful.
I'm hoping to go to the gym next week. Haven't worked out in a month, had a bad cough the whole time.
I have a mini bag of jaw breakers from Halloween in tempted to eat. I just had one lollipop now so i don't think i should, especially since i ate a bag yesterday.
If you want to know how close i came to binge ing today, read my last blog. I said no.
Boy, it's been a rough day so i feel like crap.
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
But now I have stronger willpower. I read somewhere willpower is not enough to lose weight because it doesn't last. Eventually, you give in. It's still something for me to sit here and decide that no, i will not be going overboard with the junk today.
So this is what happened:
I'm STILL sick. So I could either go to the grocery store but no, don't really feel like it so I'm going to Mcdonalds. One Mcdonalds meal is not going to break me, but it could've if I hadn't decided against getting all the extra junk.
Extra junk meaning: 4 coffees, for myself. YES you read right, FOUR. I am not a coffee drinker, but felt like it (in the moment!) and decided I would get 1 mocha, 1 latte, 1 peppermint flavoured mocha, and 1 hot chocolate. ON TOP OF my Mcdonalds meal. (Talk about a latte!) (Sorry! Couldn't resist!) I think the main reason for wanting them was for the taste. I love coffee, just doesnt agree with me. I love how I feel when I drink caffeinated drinks, but that was not my reason for wanting them at all. (I guess if you cut out anything long enough you'll want it like crazy). And I didn't stop there.
I wanted to go to the coffee shop- no not for more coffee- for a DOZEN doughnuts. I dont think I wouldve eaten the whole dozen, but was planning on eating 6, and I probably wouldve grazed on them throughout the day.
So if I went through this, I wouldve had a few brief moments of pleasure and then felt sick for the next 3 days! I decided against it!
Before, maybe I wouldve gone through with it but now I think Im getting stronger or something because I decided not to do that! (Why self sabotage after all).
I have to be careful though because then my mind went to the leftover halloween candy i have, and also last time I said NO to junk, I ended up bingeing on OTHER junk at home. I feel like Ive learnt from that though, and wont do it again. (At least not today!)
Its just not worth it. So not worth it. Hate how my minds been conditioned (because of me! and my actions in the past!) to work that way though, but Im fighting through it. Its about all I can do.
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