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The Prodigal Return

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I have returned!

It feels like forever.

Anywho, a lot - and I mean A LOT - has happened since my last peetering blog in December.

First off, my company made the official split right before Christmas and thanks to that my life kind of exploded and had to chaotically be rearranged. I'm working a new schedule, now, which is nice so far! Instead of the whole six days on, two days off nonsense pre-split, I'm now working 10 hour shifts Tues-Fri and I get every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off. Weekends! Social Life! HOORAY!

On top of that I was officially promoted to supervisor and have since been managing my own shift as a salaried employee (no clocking in and out for me!). The raise should be considerable, and I get my first check post-raise this week. I'm really excited at being able to put 100% of that extra earnings into savings so I can pay off my debt faster and get on with my bigger financial goals.

That's the big jist of everything. Even though I only work 40 hours a week on paper, being salaried has mean I come in early, stay late, and even show up to work on my day off for planning meetings and training of all sorts. Since this is a brand-spanking-new company there is a lot to do to get things off the ground and stable and whatnot.

Considering all of that, I haven't been tracking my food at all. Of course that means I've gained back even more weight. Well, a lot of weight. 20 pounds to be exact. At my doctor's appointment on Monday I weight in at 213 lbs. YIKES.

Yeah, I'm pretty ashamed. I never wanted to bump myself up and over Onderland. I'm done beating myself up about it, though. I have to accept that this was a very busy transitional time in my life (oh yeah, the holidays were in there somewhere) where I simply didn't have time to be vigilant over my eating habits or my emotional eating tendencies. That's okay. Regression is always part of any serious journey, isn't it? Sometimes other things take precedence in life, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Well even after struggling for the past year, I'm ready to put my food back down.

Seriously. It's go time.

Yesterday was an optimistic start to getting back on track. I portioned out my food well and watched my calories. Here's a snap shot of how the day went:

16 oz water before leaving for work
2 veggie spring rolls (160 cal) @ 1:15pm
10oz coffee with sugar free creamer (22 cal)
8 oz caffeine-free rooibos tea
Spinach Salad (340 cal) @ 6pm
33 oz bottle of water (over several hours)
Broccoli Beef and Brown steamed rice (530 cal) @ 10:30 pm
8oz cup of coffee with sugar-free creamer (22 cal)
Cheesy Broccoli Rice @ 2am (225 calories)

GRAND TOTAL: 1299 calories, 57 oz of water

Not a bad start.

It's my intend to get off processed foods again and bulk up on the fresh fruits, veggies, and meats. For now though I'm going to focus on what I call The Big 3: Keeping in calorie range, drinking enough water, and avoiding emotional eating. Those will be the hardest, but re-mastering those three will pave the way for more, longer successes down the road.

I'm not ready to start fantasizing about long term goals again such as how much I want to weight when and all that jazz. Right now, it's all about one day at a time.

One day at a time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYJUNEBUG 1/22/2014 11:20PM

    Yup! One day at a time. Excellent!

Glad to have you back and congrats on the promotion! So happy for you! :)

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RMH0422 1/22/2014 3:50PM

    I'm not sure how to navigate all this social stuff within SP. …..anyway your title today (from a group I joined way back) caught my eye because, I to am back TODAY. If you don't have me as a friend please do add. We can start anew again together. It sounds like you have had some big changes (congrats!) Don't be ashamed be proud of the fact you accomplished something and that now you can recognize and start control of the rest. Your big 3 are exactly my big 3 too. I agree with the one day at a time for sure. Sounds cliche but I think my motto is going to be " just do it" so often I over think things when I should just do it (like just say no to that extra calorie brownie) haha if it were that easy…(sigh)
Have a great rest of the week!

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LANEMAHNKE 1/22/2014 1:19PM

    Welcome back, Sissy. I've just now started to get serious again too. It's tough around the holidays.

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POMATOJUICE 1/22/2014 9:45AM

    Welcome back! I was wondering how you were doing. I almost txted you the day before yesterday, but I totally had someone reply to a tweet while I was looking at my phone, and my concentration went out the window. Completely forgot about everything except for twitter for just a bit, and when I was done, I went back to.. I dunno. Videogames, probably. I've been binging on videogames lately. Hadn't had a chance to play many last year, so I'm catching up on some stuff XD

Congrats on the full time position and the manager's spot! Even though it's a lot more work, it's still awesome. Just being able to put team leader/office manager/etc type stuff on a resume is GREAT, so I hope the job isn't too bad and it's something you'll want to stick with.

I hope you don't feel too bad about your transitional weight gain. I put on like 15lbs since July, and I'm working hard to get rid of it! Also, please don't torture yourself.... by trying to read my backlog of rambly blogs. A month's worth of my drivel will keep you busy for HOURS. lol

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Welcome Back, Spark!

Friday, December 20, 2013

It would seem that my Spark has returned to me! I will remain cautiously optimistic at this point, but optimistic nonetheless. Yay!

Yesterday did wonders to my mood. I didn't realize how depressed I have been over the past few months. Even though I've only upgraded to a "pleasant" mood standing, the difference is vast. I might as well be giddy, haha. It was great getting to spend the day at home doing fun things like reading, writing, watching feel-good movies and wrapping Christmas presents. Not to mention I cooked lunch AND dinner. Haha, that's a first in I don't know how long.

Yesterday's calories came it at - dun dun da da! - 1163. I'm absolutely ecstatic about this. I think I did an absolutely stellar job yesterday. I ate four times spaced 3-4 hours apart, drank plenty of tea and water and coffee throughout the day. For lunch I made the cheesy tuna pasta with veggies recipe I found on my meal tracker awhile back, and only ate half of the 420 calorie meal. I followed that up with a double serving of Honey Nut Cheerios in almond milk, then threw together a casserole with what few ingredients I had in the house for dinner. It came out to 400 calories a serving, but that was because I used 2 cups of shredded cheese instead of 1 (it would be pretty low cal if I had cut back on that). It was made up of broccoli florets, brown rice, 98% fat free cream of chicken, and crumbled turkey bacon. It wasn't amazingly fabulous but it definitely got the job done for a quick, tasty meal! Follow that up with a second bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and an indulgence of 2 Tbsp of fat free creamer in my coffee and that's my food day.

Today is going to be a bit more difficult, though. I've said that I would make an appearance at three separate holiday parties - and promised to bring side dishes to two of them, which are potlucks. Not only do I have to make something that everyone else will like that I can watch my calories on, but I have to brave whatever delicacies they choose to bring as well. It's going to be tough having to navigate that food without someone picking up on my hesitation and start asking questions. I really don't like people in my daily life knowing I'm "dieting," as they would put it. Brings on too many misconceptions and conversations I don't want to have. I'll just have to see how it goes, I guess.

Anywho, I've chalked up some new goals for this leg of my weight loss journey! How does this sound?

I would love to be in the 150's by the end of this upcoming June, but that would mean having to lose 2.16 lbs a week between now and then. I think that is a bit extreme. Instead my goal is to hit 150 or get into the upper 140's by September 1. I think that's much, much more reasonable at about 1.7 lbs lost every week. If I stick to a regimen of healthy eating and exercise, I should be able to do that!

Food wise, I really want to focus on getting back to basics and making choices that aren't only calorie friendly, but also healthy for me. Even though it's a huge staple, I'm seriously considering cutting white rice (and subsequently white grains entirely) out of my diet. Even though it will mean more calories per serving, I am going to try to switch to brown rice and whole grain / whole wheat grains when I have to have grains at all. It's definitely a food group I shouldn't be eating on a daily basis.

For sure about 99% of processed foods need to go. I need to start making my own food from fresh, raw ingredients again, even though it's a tricky to balance in my work schedule. I felt best when I was eating all fresh foods, and sticking mainly to lean meats and vegetables. This will meal taking the time to make casseroles and such from scratch rather than relying on Hamburger Helper overloaded with vegetables after I cook it. I say 99% because I figure from time to time I'm going to need things like cream of chicken, broth, etc etc if I'm going to cook something the least bit complicated, so for now I'm going to let those necessities slide.

So yeah. I feel like if I really want to see progress, it's got to be about more than just the calorie content of what I'm eating. Your body is your temple, you are what you eat, etc etc. I just remember after my body got over the initial shock of translating to a near all-Paleo diet, I started to feel absolutely fantastic. I miss that feeling, and think it's worth a shot to try and get it back again.

I'm feeling extremely excited and hopeful right now. Judging by how I've felt since yesterday, I think I finally have what it takes to take this last leg of my journey. As of now I've kept off 60 pounds I lost since starting this journey, and I would love to be able to lose that final 60 by September. And the great thing is when I sit here telling myself I can do it, I actually believe myself. It's been a long time since I can say that.

Hopefully this is the first of many future blogs about optimism and success. I can't wait to see what things I can accomplish, and hope and pray this sudden return of my Spark doesn't disappear as quickly as it returned!

Have a great weekend everyone! I hope you make great choices for yourself today!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JODROX 1/18/2014 10:19AM

    Hi there! I hope your SPARK continues! Yeehaw!

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HAPPYJUNEBUG 12/21/2013 7:32PM

    Have a good weekend!

It's great that you've maintained the weightloss of 60 pounds. That in and of itself is so much work.

You'll be fine. Just hang in there and if it's right for you, go back to that Paleo diet.

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BRAINYBLONDE5 12/20/2013 10:40AM

  welcome back! check out the spark recipes! I have found so many awesome ideas and put them in a little "must try" cookbook!!!! it will definitely help you with these holiday parties and show little tweaks to make things more healthy! most importantly, just enjoy the holidays without overthinking it! emoticon

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ARNETTELEE 12/20/2013 2:51AM

  Welcome back!!

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Hobbling Along

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Today I finally mustered up the courage to get back on the scale for the first time since, like, October. I've been really struggling with staying on track calorie-wise and thought - if it wasn't totally soul-crushing - the exact numbers would be motivational. Unlike usual, I stepped on the scale fully-clothed, and got the reading of 201.8 lbs.

Although I am disappointed I've backtracked past my halfway-to-goal mark and right out of Onederland, I'm feeling okay about it. Frankly I was certain I was going to be back up around 215 lbs considering how I have been eating the past two months. Its only about seven pounds higher than where I was in October (and I was wearing clothes!) so I feel like I can work with that.

Maybe my self-image of myself is all kinds of jacked up, but based on what I see in the mirror I swore I had gained a TON of weight. I feel flabbier, slumped, and all around fat like I've gained twenty pounds or something. According to the scale it's more mental than anything. Not sure if I should be worried about that or not.

Anywho, back to positive things! Today is my first day trying to use Spark's online food tracker versus jotting things down with a pen and paper. Yesterday was between 1600-1700 calories (would have been 1200 if I hadn't given in too much to the munchies after work!), and I am determined to keep it in the 1200's today. Considering it's 4pm and I've had less than 300 calories, I think I'm trending well toward that goal. Haha it makes a difference when I'm determined to stay in my pajamas but the food choices are limited in the house.

I really want to lose fifty pounds by June. Although doable, I'm certain that would require a diet/exercise regimen that I won't be able to keep up with considering my current struggles and how much I actually want to commit. I don't know why, but I feel really frustrated with myself, and I'm sick and tired of looking in the mirror and being so dissatisfied.

I splurged on myself again last week and purchased a pair of boots that are black rawhide and supposed to lace all the way up to just below the knee. I absolutely love them and got a good price on them, but I am considering returning them because, as I am now, my calves are too fat to wear them laced up all the way. If I actually mustered up some dedication and stuck to a weight loss regimen with accuracy, I probably wouldn't be able to show off those boots until it gets cold next year. The amount of self-loathing, disappointment, and dissatisfaction generated by this boot situation sums up my entire view of myself and the whole weight loss thing right now.

Anywho, right now I need to focus on surviving the holidays. I have a potluck get together tomorrow night that I need to weather, and who knows when the stream of baked goods and candy is going to end at work. There's also word that the company split is going to happen this weekend at work, so there's the whole chaotic disarray of moving to the new building and getting everything settled (and maybe new schedule? At this point who knows). Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

For now, I'm going to enjoy a day off (I called in yet again to avoid work drama and spend the last of my PTO in expectations of losing it all in the split), wrap some presents, and do my best not to over eat. Haha as long as I stick to my calorie goals, I will consider today the best of days.

Wow, this ended up a lot longer than I was planning! I hope everyone out there is having a wonderful day so far and doing great things!


Back In The Game - For Real This Time!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

So I'm back!

I've been sliding off the wagon for a long time now, but the past month and half or so has seen me so far off, I can't even see the wagon anymore! No tracking, no portion control, lots of fried processed foods... it's bad! I can tell just by looking in the mirror that I have gained back at least twenty pounds (still too chicken to get on the scale to see the real damage. I know, I'm working on getting over that hurdle!).

But I've had enough. I'm sick of feeling gross and disappointed in myself. I've been noticing for the past couple of months that I've felt particularly down and out, like I'm in a depressed slump of some sort. I think a good chunk of that has been my being off a healthy diet and therefore cultivating a similar mindset of disappointment and failure. I'm ready to get that up and out of here!

Tomorrow starts everything back on track for good. My ultimate goal is to get back to where I was a year and a half ago, eating zero processed and nearly zero dairy and grains products. But for now, I'm going to try and focus on keeping it between 1200-1550 calories every day, with a focus on meats, vegetables, and fruits. I'll gradually work my way up so I'm not overwhelmed, but I know the hardest part is going to be to control my appetite. That's always the worst part.

I'm already cooking up some pre-portioned meals to get myself off on the right food tomorrow. I'm baking boneless skinless chicken thighs season with paprika, garlic salt, and black pepper with sides of plain brown rice and steamed asparagus. I just ordered a new big thing of protein powder (chocolate this time, because I'm so sick of cookies n' cream - I'll let you know how it tastes!), and I'm stocked up on enough oatmeal, eggs, yogurt, apples, and frozen vegetables of sorts to get me through until payday on Friday. Then it's off to the grocery store for me! Haha I'm working on my two week meal plan right now!

In other news, work is still all kinds of crazy, which is mostly why I haven't been on Spark in the past few weeks. On top of all the overtime and the dramatic culmination of the company split (we were schedule to move out a week from yesterday), we got hit by that huge ice storm that rolled through on Thursday, which has been pretty terrible. I was lucky enough to get rides from co-workers in 4X4 vehicles up until now, but dealing with less than half the numbers of workers as usual has been a real trial. I called in sick today just for the sake of my mental health.

The good news about all the extra hours, though, is that I've accumulated a substantial amount of overtime and holiday pay. Haha I've already used 90% of that money buying Christmas presents, which I am thankful for because I wouldn't have been able to afford gifts otherwise. Haha and I know it's a bit sinful, but I also made an indulgence on behalf of myself and purchased a Coach wristlet. Never before have I spent so much money on a purse/wallet/wristlet. Haha I've never owned a name brand thing like a Coach either. I'm still feeling a mixture of giddiness and guilt over this purchase. It's beautiful and smells expensive and I felt like such a big shot going into Macy's and making the purchase, haha.

Anywho, that's more or less how things are going for me. I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm excited about committing to getting back on this journey and the possibilities of great changes that I'm facing. Hopefully with this company split, an eventual promotion to supervisor (still don't know if that raise will be monetary as well), and getting back on track to the body of my dreams will bring in a new, exciting year for me. Who knows what things I'll accomplish?

Well my chicken is almost done baking, which means it's time to start the asparagus! I hope all of you are having a great start to your week and aren't having too dreadful of weather wherever you are! Hope to see everyone on Spark more often!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELAN5 12/11/2013 12:31AM

    I'm so glad you are taking stock and focusing on self-care again, Jordan! I'm sending lots of good wishes and positive energy your way! emoticon emoticon

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NEWKATHYNOW 12/10/2013 8:43PM

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HAPPYJUNEBUG 12/10/2013 11:47AM

    I'm glad you have a strategy in place. So sorry you had to go through the trouble what with company changes and the weather changing along with it.

Hope you have an excellent week, as well. We've had snow here for the past three days, but they've been on and off.

Have a good one and enjoy that Coach wristlet!


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Still Here. Kind Of.

Friday, November 29, 2013

I just wanted to touch base to verify that I'm still alive and whatnot, even though I currently have zero activity on Spark right now. Sorry!

I haven't been tracking my food at all this past week. I gave it a genuine effort with my last blog, but it seems like these days I don't have the energy or the time. I'm not going all out stuff-my-face and going through drive-thru's or anything, which is good. I just really don't have time to track and be meticulous. So I guess I'm not doing good. But I'm not going completely off the deep end either, I think.

Right now work is so crazy. I've only worked two days and I've already clocked 38 hours. I'm getting home when the sun comes up every morning and maybe getting five hours of sleep before heading back into work. I'm on my own as the only "supervisor" today and I'm dreading it. I've never been properly trained, so if a doctor calls requesting strips or something really serious happens, I'm up a creek without a paddle.

The stress is just really getting to me, and working over the holidays and all this overtime has just really consumed my life. I mean, what else is going to happen when your life is 100% work and work is 100% terrible all the time? That would depress anyone, I think.

So yeah. No news on the food front... or any front. Because right now it's all work work work work. Maybe one of these days I can squeeze an hour to myself so I can get the Christmas tree up, or go holiday or grocery shopping, or at the very least sit down and sip a cup of coffee and do NOTHING. I would really like to reactivate my World of Warcraft account just so I can destress by killing things.

I won't ramble on. Hopefully things wont' be so terrible that I have to stay until 5am again tonight.

I hope everyone out there is having a wonderful holiday weekend! I promise I will try to get back on spark soon!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HAPPYJUNEBUG 12/12/2013 12:55PM

    Have a nice weekend! Sorry you had a stressful work week.

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SIRENSONGS 12/1/2013 9:52AM

    Oh man, your job sounds brutal! I hope things calm down for you really soon. 38 hours in two days is just insane!!!!! Hang in there!

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POMATOJUICE 11/30/2013 1:09PM

    Are you getting some decent overtime pay or anything like that? If there's any upside to all of this, I think the extra $$ would be nice, but this hectic work schedule doesn't seem sustainable at all!! I hope the drama ends soon :(

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PRINCESS_SOFI 11/29/2013 5:36PM


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