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Taking a Deep Breath

Saturday, October 11, 2014

This morning during training, we talked about all the things I want to do to regroup. My weight has stayed pretty much the same since I started training, and I know it's because I'm constantly obsessing about food and going overboard after doing maybe a little TOO good, so then I feel deprived and eat like crazy. So she is planning to figure out my calorie needs, and I'm planning to make a few tweaks that will help me get back on track.

1. I'm increasing my water. I'm supposed to be drinking more than I am, I'm not doing bad so I'm just adding another 20 oz. per day.

2. I'm going to really try and add a veggie serving at bfast. I already do it at lunch and dinner most days, but at bfast I have 2 fruits and no veggies. I'm thinking PB on celery, but I'm open to other ideas too. Please share if you have any! ;)

3. My knees are KILLING me, my feet are KILLING me. I walk around like I'm in my 80's, not my 40's. So I talked to her about taking Aleve and I just took my first dose a few hours ago. I've always used ibuprofen, but I would rather take a 12-hour drug than a 6-hour drug.

4. Recommit to 30 minutes of cardio every day. I've been slipping on the days I have to be at work early, and haven't been sleeping great. I just need to suck it up and go.

5. I can't log my food every day, and I need to accept that. I'm too busy, I'm working 3 jobs and running a household for a family of 7. It simply can't happen. So, my new goal is to shoot for logging my food 3X weekly.

That should be good for now. I'll keep you posted. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FORZACHANDMATT 10/12/2014 11:07AM

    Do you eat eggs? Because its pretty quick to scramble eggs with mushrooms and tomatoes - I eat that several times a week

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CONFUSEDBIRD 10/12/2014 8:37AM

    Be careful with taking alieve too often, it destroys your kidneys over time. My dad relied on it a lot at the end of his life for his knee pain because nothing else helped. It seems it may have caused more harm than good. I log most of my food when I am laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep.

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ROBBIEY 10/11/2014 7:31PM

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Not a Great Week...But Trying!

Thursday, October 02, 2014

It's been one of those weeks where I am questioning everything I'm doing and why I'm doing it. My food has been better, my exercise a little on the low side, but I'm doing my best in spite of being mentally exhausted. Every day this week, I have come home and pretty much collapsed before bedtime. Yesterday, I even had a good cry before taking a nap. :(

I've been working in the same middle school I student-taught in last year, and it is a rough school at times. There are a lot of kids whose parents are either working 2 jobs, on drugs, in prison, or otherwise not around. These kids have very good reasons why they act the way they do, and I know that. But going in there every day, having students treat you like dirt, and staying patient and gently reminding them what appropriate behavior is, is exhausting. And then teaching them a thing or two on top of it, *SIGH* some days it is truly a miracle that our students learn anything. The truly amazing thing to me is that alongside these at-risk kids are some really great kids too, and they all go to the same school together, yet the kids with no risk factors stay completely out of trouble in spite of their surroundings.

Anyway, last night after 3 days of no exercise, I could feel it eating away at my mood and I had another migraine that 800mg of ibuprofen wouldn't even take the edge off of. So this morning, I headed to the gym early at 4:30 and got some work done. I see my trainer again tomorrow and I'm starting to really look forward to our meetings. She pushes me hard, she is encouraging and kind, and she gives me a good stretch at the end of our sessions together. She regularly looks at my food log and gives me feedback, but never tells me how bad I suck when I put 3 granola bars on there in one day.

Today is a new day, and I have to work at that school again today. I hope I will have a good bunch of kids today.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CONFUSEDBIRD 10/9/2014 3:52PM

    Sounds like a rough period. Renee sounds great looking at your food and pushing you. Hang in there, still working on finding your groove and a place to settle in. You will find it things are just up in the air.

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Personal Training

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I never considered myself the type to give in to personal training. It is expensive, and from what I've seen of it, it is basically some guy yelling at you to keep going. I'm pretty self-driven, so I don't really think it's necessary to hire someone to push me like that!

That said, I finally conceded to giving it a try, and today was my first session. I stuck with a female trainer, because the dudes at the gym are head-to-toe muscle and tattoos, and that's just really not me. So this gal, Renee, turns out to have a degree in nutrition too, and she drops her boys off with me in the gym's child care when she comes, and so I already know her a little bit. Today we spent about 45 minutes talking about my goals, what I can do, what I can't do with my foot injury, and how committed I want to be. Then she took me through a ST/cardio interval circuit that kicked my ass!!! Then, she accessed my #myfitnesspal account so she can see my food log, and she talked with me about what she wants me to do with it for next week.

I have the day off today, so it was easy for me to log all of my food for today, but working days I'm not so sure it will go the same way! But that's my goal for next week, is to log everything and not blow it off after lunchtime. And in the meantime, I told her I would have no problem getting my cardio in every day. And that's where things stand now.

I'm not sure how much it's going to cost, but I'm pretty sure I will no longer see a paycheck at Gold's Gym anymore, because I'll be signing it right back over to them! But I'm happy and excited, and looking forward to making some progress again. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNYW73 9/22/2014 9:22PM

    I am really thinking of taking advantage of the "free session" they offer at the gym. The guy told me it's 30 min of nutrition, and 30 min of going through what kind of exercise I want to focus on. I'll let you know what happens. emoticon

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CONFUSEDBIRD 9/18/2014 8:36AM

    That is awesome! She is on the wall in the mancave too, quite a badass that Renee.

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PMRUNNER 9/17/2014 9:05PM

    Good luck with your progress!

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Getting Back to it

Friday, September 05, 2014

This past week, I've been working on getting my mojo back. I've been to the gym 4 days this week, marched in a Labor Day parade as a band mom watering thirsty kids, and eaten a lot better. I still had a dish of ice cream last night before bed, but my 4th grader got it for me and I taught him how much a serving is, so I didn't have too much. ;)

I'm starting to find ways to really like the gym again, and that's good!!! I was at the same gym for so long, it has been hard to get used to a different one. But I'm getting more used to it and liking the things it has that the student fitness center didn't. Like opening at 4am!!! Man I love when I get up at 3:30am and can't sleep, and I can just pack up my swimsuit and head out there. It's nice and quiet, I have the whole place to myself, and I don't even have to swipe my card because I work there and all the workers know me and they type me in when they see me coming.

I'm also playing around with my phone and last week I put Pandora on it so I can listen to music while I work out. I've had it on other phones, but this one I just forgot. Anyway, I put it on the other day and found that my 4th grader used my account without me knowing about it. There was this Star Wars station streaming on there, and I was like WTH??? But then as I listened, it was all this incredible orchestra/brass music in minor keys that kicked my ass. So I left it on and worked hard. Thanks, dude. ;)

This morning was more of a Motley Crue kind of morning, though.

I also started substitute teaching this week! I'm feeling so much more in control over my working life now, and that makes me so happy. I felt so low that I wasn't teaching in my OWN classroom like all my student-teaching classmates are now that we're all graduated. I know I could have my own room, yet here I am subbing. But it has been nothing short of AWESOME this week. I get called to work in a school, I accept or decline, and then I go follow someone else's sub plans for the day. The first day I was a special ed aide at the HS and we had the best day. I had about 10 kids and they had many disabilities, but what a great bunch of kids. You can tell they come from places that they are loved.

The next day, I worked at the same school I student-taught at, and when I got there for my assignment, I found out I was going to be with all the same kids I had last year. The entire day, every class period, a new batch of my kids would come down to my room, see me, and scream/hug and generally be excited to see me. What an amazing feeling!!!!!!

Then yesterday, after 3 days of the same migraine not letting me go, I told my husband "Enough". And I accepted no jobs yesterday or today. I rested, caught up on laundry/housework, and got rid of that nasty headache. If I was teaching in my own room this year, I would've had to suck it up and go to work. I'm feeling a lot better today. My husband is not happy with me; he was concerned when my headache was on its 3rd day, but he generally wants me to work as much as possible to help with the bills. But he needs to also understand that even while I'm working, we have a household to run and 5 kids to get where they need to go, plus feed them decent food and not some crap that comes in a box at the grocery store. My being home a couple days a week lets us do that even if I'm not pulling in the big bucks he would like me to be doing.

This morning I hit the gym and planned to do my ST, but I found myself on an elliptical for a half hour, then took it easy on a stationary bike for 20 minutes, and then my dessert, the pool for 40 minutes. I missed the gym for a couple days because of my headache, so I felt like I was making up for lost time. I may have overdone it because my knee feels extra tired, and my foot was on fire for that elliptical workout, but I got it done big today and I am satisfied with my work today. I haven't been on the scale in a long time, but I'm just doing my best, logging everything, and eventually the way my clothes fit will tell me how I'm doing. Go, me. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CONFUSEDBIRD 9/11/2014 9:27AM

    Sounds like you are in much more positive place! Migraine 3 days ugh that sound horrible! Happy you find your place at the gym. I know that feeling its always hard for me get used to a change like that.

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Saturday, August 30, 2014

It's been a crap summer but I'm doing my best under the circumstances. Next week I start Job #3, substitute teaching, in addition to doing child care at the local gym and selling tickets at the local historic movie theater. I kind of feel like I didn't really get a summer, it's been so busy and I've been working so much. I feel like I'm making up for all those lost years that I was home with my kids and didn't make any money. When everyone was little, I thought the days would never end. I would always be hip-deep in diapers, spit-up, tantrums, and laundry. I'm still mired in laundry, but all that other stuff just magically shut off one day and now, I can't even get some of my kids to kiss me goodnight before they go to bed.

Add to this the stress of having a teenager. Our oldest is going on a band trip to Australia. It is a 10-day tour with 5 performances, 2 of them at the Sydney Opera House. My daughter isn't planning to be a music major in college, but she is pretty good and is the designated piccolo player in her band, so she definitely deserves to go. However, we have been going round and round with her all week because she doesn't WANT to go! She says her closest friends aren't going, and it would just be easier on all of us financially if we don't spend the $4000.00 on this trip. What's really going through her mind is how much she wants a CAR...and she's sick of the food we buy...and she wants the data plan back on her phone. All stuff we have told her we can't afford right now. But we do let her drive her dad's car to school on days she doesn't have band practice until 9pm, and we pay for her car insurance. Managing the finances makes me want to barf sometimes. But she doesn't see how hard we are working, and she doesn't see that all of her siblings are going without things too. She only sees that her friends have things that she doesn't have. :(

I am the first person who would say that the best way to relieve stress is with exercise! The best way to manage depression is exercise! You can't take care of everyone else if you don't take care of YOU! Yet here I am, sitting in the same place that so many Sparkpeople sit in too. I can't shake how awful I feel, all the time. Today I went to the gym and spent a half hour on an elliptical trainer, then lifted weights, and then took a swim class. And when I left, I felt as bad as I did when I arrived. It was my first time doing any exercise since I cut the lawn last Monday. I haven't been on my road bike in probably a month, and my commuter bike a couple of weeks. I tried walking a couple days, but the weather has been either wet or muggy/miserable and my work schedule/kid schedule haven't allowed me a chance to work out at the gym before/after work. (Because working at the gym and working OUT at a gym are 2 very different things!!!)

Anyway. I left the gym feeling as lousy as I did when I got there, so I got on the expressway, opened the windows, and turned the radio up. I had my husband's new car and found that at 110, it GLIDES!!! Wow it was magical. Then Kurt Cobain was singing on the radio and I started getting those familiar old feelings of wanting to crash. He has it easy, no worries for him anymore. Me, I'm not so lucky. I remember the first time I tried to cut myself. I was 14. And I didn't have the courage to go through with it, and ever since then, I've just dealt with feeling awful like this all the time. It helps to have 5 children because with them around, I know I have a responsiblity to them to be a good mom and give them a better life than I've had. Because of them, I would never do anything to hurt myself. They need me.

My food hasn't been very good, and I don't even care anymore. I'm so sick of worrying about it. I wish I could just eat whatever I want like skinny people can. The other night, my husband brought home 2 grocery bags full of chocolate bars. He got them from his 2nd job (yeah, he's working 2 jobs too). He is a custodian at a high school a couple nights a week, and all these chocolate bars were expired and being thrown out. So he brought them home. Thanks, honey!!! :( They are almost gone, I've had 4 today. I wish I had the guts to make myself vomit.

Tomorrow I will work out on the elliptical trainer again, since I have to work anyway and will have time before I work. Maybe if I get back in the habit of going every day again, I'll find my mojo again along the way.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRENDAF761 8/31/2014 9:39AM

    I'm exhausted just reading everything you do each day! Just taking care of those kids is so much work. I think you are over whelmed. Do the kids help you with chores? You've got to take some time for yourself or your going to go crazy with stress. I hope you can work in exercise each day even if it's only 20 minutes. Bubble baths at the end of the day to relax! I love to go get a pedicure to relax. I'm keeping you in my prayers that you can soon stop working so hard and get some support! Try and enjoy your day! Hugs friend! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KELLIEBEAN 8/30/2014 10:11PM

    Yeah. Wow. Well, I'm very glad that you wrote this blog and got all of these feelings out there instead of letting them churn inside you, even though I know they probably still are a bit. But a release is good.

Yes, exercise is the best medicine but no, it doesn't take any of the problems away. I find that Kickboxing really helps me when I am dwelling on things I cannot change and when past mistakes start haunting me. It doesn't make me happier but it drains me so I don't have as much energy to beat myself up as I did before I started.

As far as your daughter, I feel your pain. It's their job at that age to live in a small bubble they think is the world and how unfair everything and everyone in it is to her. I hope she has an amazing experience in Sydney and that it opens her eyes a bit.

She'll survive not having a data plan and her own car. She doesn't see it now, but she's building character and she would probably sooner have five root canals with no anesthesia than to try to see and appreciate your point of view and all that you do. One day she will!

I'm glad you have found a reason not to hurt yourself. My niece is a recovering cutter and my daughter is a recovering bulimic. You are worth taking care of. Like I have to remind myself time and time again, I cannot make anything better by abusing myself with food and inactivity.

I hope tomorrow is a better day!

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Comment edited on: 8/30/2014 10:12:41 PM

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CONFUSEDBIRD 8/30/2014 9:05PM

    Ohhh my gosh I am exhausted just reading how hard you guys have been working your butts off! Maybe it's time Allison find a job of her own? My mom made my brother and I both start working at 16. We could have cars if we paid for half of them. Which was like a 3,000 dollar car. Great to hear you are still finding time to exercise with 3 jobs. I'm thinking of you and Dan and hope you guys find your way through this tough period soon.

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OPTIMIST1948 8/30/2014 7:12PM

    Ok. YOU need a dose of HUG. You are feeling pretty down on yourself, which I totally understand. Finances and teenagers are beasts. But nobody can replace YOU - and I, for one, would really miss you. Aint got no solutions but sending positive thoughts in your direction.

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