JUSTYNA7   90,958
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It's not all about me

Monday, November 24, 2014

(My birthday is in April but...) On the day I turned 16 my family forgot it was my birthday. Not the first time. I went for a walk and an acquaintance stopped and chatted. When she heard my story she grabbed my hand and dragged me back to her house. My name was added to her mother's birthday cake and we all celebrated together. I will never forget that feeling of being in that room, totally accepted with my name on that cake.

I had a wonderful weekend. Not the "perfect" type of weekend that my healthy goals strive for. No... it was messy and involved food and sweets and wine and a long road trip, and such a tight and busy schedule. I wanted to hide away at times and just be.. but we went from home to situation to home. There are issues, illnesses, waiting to hear about jobs, waiting to hear about exam results, plans not yet decided and we were part of that. We were there to listen, support. While we were gone my youngest DD and her boyfriend finally had friends over and we arrived in the night to hear them laughing. My eldest DD joined them in laughter and at one point my husband I were part of it all.

I was looking at the mess this morning. Feeling sore from so much sitting in the car and in chairs. Sometimes on stools across from a kitchen and sometimes around a table full of food. Sometimes snuggled between friends or family on a couch. My weight on the scale is up a bit which made me sigh. There was a text saying how much my DD's friends enjoyed... our family. They felt like they belonged, as though they were... home. It suddenly occurred to me that everywhere we went on our trip and returning home I felt the same. At home. Accepted. Good about myself.

No, it's not about the cake with my name on it. I tried that for many years, using food to fill the void. It's about the acceptance. Of myself as I am. Of others as they are. I can't hide away only focusing on myself or ... there is no reason. We need to be there for each other.

Life keeps happening around us, whipping up the leaves and banging at the shutters. Sometimes I can just stay inside and yet there are still preparations for winter and the necessary forages out for appointments, food, etc. I can put all my energy into myself. Blinders on. It is constant. But then sometimes I am pulled into the thick of it all. Neighbours, friends, community. Things happne and we need to emerse ourselves in it all. It is always changing and it surprises me when I realize how satisfied I feel, despite the exhaustioin, worry, fears... after the "worst of it". Funny how our hearts have much more room than we expect for "inconviences". I know how important my weight and healthy are... but sometimes I'm reminded that it is not all about me. I think today I would like to jiggle a little bit of my belly and remind it that it is not that important and hug my daughters and husband instead.

And the rest of the day... well, time to get back to the goals of healthy eating and exercise of course!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANNSDAY 11/25/2014 11:33AM

    You create with words, and your warmth and wisdom, that same room full of acceptance - and now I am drawn in, as well. Acceptance... balanced with change - quite a dynamic balance to keep seeking. I loved the change and acceptance ratio in this post - how they play against each other, find accommodation, and finally, some peace.Just what I needed today. Thank you, once again.

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JUST_BRENDA 11/24/2014 7:44PM

    Oh Justyna, it really sounds like you had a "less than desirable" childhood (to put it mildly). I hope you don't take offense, but this is behind you and you are doing an injustice to yourself to let your mind drag you down. You are an adult now and need to parent YOURSELF in the same loving, accepting, considerate fashion that you deserved as a child. It's not about blame, it's about providing yourself with the unconditional loved you deserved but didn't receive. (I can say this because I struggle with the same thing... absolutely true!)
You are an amazing mother! I can feel it. You are the mother you wish you had. Your kids all benefit from it and you've stopped the suffering.
I'm really sorry to hear of your trying circumstances right now and unwelcome challenges. You will get through this. Humans are resilient by nature, and you've certainly demonstrated that yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. And keep your faith.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MTN_KITTEN 11/24/2014 4:10PM

    Beautiful post ... Happy Birthday to you.

You are awesome!!!!

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1CRAZYDOG 11/24/2014 11:25AM

    Happy belated birthday. I had no idea!

HUGS and you'll get "back in the swing" of things. So glad that your DD and friends felt so comfortable!



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NORASPAT 11/24/2014 11:12AM

    I loved it.

All my birthdays were a little name PAT on my cousins birthday cake. We were poor and my mother and I would take three buses to get there. The bus stop was 1/2 mile from her door.
My cousin was 5 years older than I so I really did not fit in but my mother and Aunt just got me there on the nearest Saturday. We had no phones we did not write letters it just happened. It was always the following Saturday even if the birthday was on Monday.
There were very few gifts, the party was our gift these parties were so precious to me.
After leaving my homeland and opting to live in a beautiful place there has been very little contact from home. I envy your trips to family.
I make sure my Spark Journey is not about the scale. It improved so many of my medical issues that is my only goal. I ate White bread a few days ago and that ignited my heart burn and GERD. Also a 116 FBS so that gave me a jolt and I had to do better.
I have never been ashamed of being overweight, I have to admit being 71 and happy but a bit lonely for friends I am satisfied with my life.

Thanks to my DH. We have not had a lucrative life-no way. We have adored one another over 50 years. I used to want to travel but being by his side was always pleasure enough.

Take care I love your blogs. Pat in Maine. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MARIE-STRONG 11/24/2014 11:10AM

    Beautifully written! Your words touched something inside me - yet I can not put it into words.
Thank you for sharing! emoticon

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NASFKAB 11/24/2014 10:31AM

  stay well

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Just one pound

Monday, November 17, 2014

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon I step on the scale and am happy because I can see it leaning back towards onederland. I've been very good at the no sugar and trying to do something every day for exercise. But when I look on my start page I still see the tracker at 198. Yup, I did it and I was leaving it there to...know that it is possible? Or because I was ashamed to move it up?

It's hard feeling like I have let people down or let myself down. I was the one who lost over 65 pounds and I meant to STAY under onederland. But then I injured my knee and I let sugar back in. I never stopped fighting and trying... but I lost my umph.

Today I move the tracker, because the shame has to end. Shame is a powerful and I think it is part of survival instinct to deny or run away rather than face it. I gained 10 pounds since June. Most of that right away and then I had to struggle to get control again. I've lost 2 since last week so here I am at 206.

And what do I have to do now? Lose one pound. Yup, one pound 7 times will get me back to where I was, my lowest weight in decades. Ten was... an overwhelming feeling because my weight loss on SP is slower than an evaporating ocean. I could not risk anything drastic or I might trigger my food dragon. But this cutting out of sugars and snacks... I am OK with that. Just keep moving as much as possible... something every day. I did crunches yesterday and it felt good. Yup, I can do this one pound. Jump on it, squish it, rinse it down the drain, drown it. Maybe do a little dance, sleep it away. I have the power to do it. One pound. Crunch it in those crunches. Bump it into oblivion. Stride right over it. Every movement may move it somewhere in my body but eventually will wear it away!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANNSDAY 11/22/2014 6:11PM

    Love your attitude and honesty!

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CTUPTON 11/20/2014 1:09PM

    Wishing you well and praying that you stay in Onderland!

By the way, I am very jealous. I am the lowest I have been in many years but Onederland is still pretty far away.

chris emoticon

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NORASPAT 11/18/2014 10:01AM

    "J" I am slipping back too.
I walk I track but it is just not doing it. I know ST would help but our kids are living in my little place and I love it and they love it and it is hard to rationalize.

HUGS We can do it. I just have to be in the right mind set. Too many worries are setting me back.

HUGS and much love Pat in Maine. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MTN_KITTEN 11/17/2014 9:45PM

    I am with ya girlfriend. I was down to 205.5 ... and just knew onelander was right around the corner. Then up 8 down 4 then up 3 then ...

So let's kick this junk to the curb ... one pound at a time.

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1CRAZYDOG 11/17/2014 1:50PM

    Awesome. One tiny step in the right direction will get you where you want to be!

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DSBRIDE 11/17/2014 9:59AM

    It's one small step at a time to the light at the end of the tunnel. Kudos!

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DRAGON-CHICK 11/17/2014 9:33AM

    Great blog!
I love the ONE pound thinking.

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JUSTME29 11/17/2014 8:53AM

    It's so much easier to look at one pound at a time that it is to look at the whole big picture. I wonder why it's so hard? I look at the huge total amount I have to lose, and I feel hopeless and overwhelmed, if think of just one pound I don't feel that way. It's so hard to stay in that mindset though even though I know better.

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NASFKAB 11/17/2014 8:32AM

  you can do i all he bes

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Right attitude and now a goal... I can do this!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I have had this "committment" attitude since my last blog so it has been 2 days without sugar and I've been trying to exercise. I had let sugars sneak in and felt winey about my my knee pain... but I realized that I was treating improving my health like an interest and only working on it when it was convenient. Halloween candies kind of became OK for a couple of days there. I was skipping meals and over eating at meals. Then I wrote that blog and "woke up". I want to lose weight and be healthy so what I am going to do about it today?

That is how I was feeling yesterday and low and behold I finally got a knee replacement surgery date. December 22 which is 6 weeks from yesterday. I have 6 weeks to "behave" and hopefully see some results. The better shape I am in the easier recovery will be. I knew that before but I had lost hope. Hurry up and wait had dragged on way too long.

Clean eating. No refined sugars, no white flours, making sure I get calcium and vitamin D. No chips. Good healthy fats like nuts and seeds and avocados. Lots of protein, less carbs. Check my blood sugars. Water, water, water. No snacking at night. No skipping meals. More veggies. Walk to my limits. I have put my spark tracker back on to give me feedback. Walk in the water. Walk by the river. Get out of my chair. Hubby and I are going to start going to bed earlier. He is starting a new job and they want him to set an example for the other employees so we will try and rise and shine together. More prayer and breathing and stretching. I want my body, mind and soul "clean", like doing a spring cleanse... only, lol, it is fall.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEAWAVE 11/14/2014 6:34AM

    A date! A DATE!!! Finally, you have something specific to work towards. I find that's always helpful for me. And congrats to DH for getting a job, and so quickly too!

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LADYBUG546 11/12/2014 2:03PM

    great to be so focused and finally have a surgery date great to hear

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SEAGLASS1215 11/12/2014 4:28AM

    Now that you have a date/goal set, it may be easier to stick to your healthy habits because you have something to focus on rather than some random vague future vision...also, gad to hear hubby has a new job! Things are looking up all the way around!

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NASFKAB 11/12/2014 1:46AM

  great goals healing thoughts going your way for December 22 you can do it

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MTN_KITTEN 11/11/2014 10:30PM

    You can do this. Your life will truly open up for you after your knee replacement.

I had double replacements 2 years ago ... so glad I did.

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NORASPAT 11/11/2014 8:26PM

    "J"it is great you will have your knee replacement in December and that way you will be completely healed for the better weather.
DH did his in January, we came home after a heavy snowfall and I had to drive home 60 miles away. He was not the happy camper for the first few days and then he was loving it. He had pain for a number of years. They tried to do injections and other things. His hip did not look bad. They actually thought it was a kidney stone caught in the ureter and they did a lithotripsy. Still pain so we went to Portland to a person who only does hips. He does mostly the lateral incision and it was great.
He asked about DH Knee he has a slit patella from Birth, DH asked if he does knees but he does not so DH is thinking it through, just like he hip.
We have many friends with replaced Knees and a couple are tennis players and they are still on the courts. Playing up a storm. Pat in Maine.

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JUSTME29 11/11/2014 7:19PM

    You can definitely do this. Getting the date set for you surgery will help define your goals and time-line. That is fantastic that he lined up a new job so quickly! Two huge pieces of great news in one blog.

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1CRAZYDOG 11/11/2014 2:23PM

    Good luck!

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HEALTHY4ME 11/11/2014 2:10PM

    OMG I wrote the same blog.... a week or so ago as my date is Dec 1st. Thinking of you as we both do the same. I got waylaid by Halloween candy and got so upset with myself but am back on track. Well you will be just home on time for Christmas!!! They are telling me I will be walking by then, eeeek I know they get you up walking asap but just that thought frightens me. but I will be fine and do this the best I can.
Also hurry up and wait had dragged for me too and I didn't lose the wt I swore I would. oh well still will do my best!

Hope you have a great 6wks and I will check back on you!!! HUGS

And Awesome that hubby got a job!!! Congrats. and btw am so jealous of your pool for recuperation! The pool that is warmest in all of Halifax still makes me freeze and is $10 a time to go.... oh well.


Comment edited on: 11/11/2014 2:12:27 PM

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DRAGON-CHICK 11/11/2014 12:51PM

    Great blog! Great goals!
You can do this !!

emoticon

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Get it done!

Sunday, November 09, 2014

"There is a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit."

I printed this out in red to put on my wall. Am I interested in getting healthy? or committed?
How about playing harp? If I want to be able to play for a Christmas concert?
How about finishing my novel? If I want to publish it?
How about my faith and involvement with my community? If I want to make a real difference?

I have been with DH for over 35 years. I have grown children. I know what committment is. I have been on teams, been team leader, I know the difference. I have a long list of successes.

Today I am committed. I will sit down and make my list of what I need to accomplish today and get it done!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEAWAVE 11/14/2014 6:30AM

    emoticon as usual! Such an important distinction, and important to remember.

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MTN_KITTEN 11/10/2014 7:31PM

    Interested or DETERMINED??

I am determined ... come with me on my journey of getting this DONE!!!!!

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SPEDED2 11/9/2014 8:37PM

    emoticon

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NORASPAT 11/9/2014 8:31PM

    Hi "J" I LOVE YOUR BLOGS!!
My mother always told me ACTIONS speak LOUDER than WORDS.

You must ACT to ACCOMPLISH otherwise it will be for nothing.

You have ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH, be proud of those actions that you have done. Some of us are dissatisfied with our accomplishment's and we should think about them when the going is tough. emoticon WE CAN OVERCOME. Always enjoy the journey. Think POSITIVE, I am struggling to do so.

Pat in Maine. (((((HUGS)))) emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DRAGON-CHICK 11/9/2014 11:38AM

    Great blog!

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1CRAZYDOG 11/9/2014 11:15AM

    Wonderful!

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NASFKAB 11/9/2014 9:45AM

  awesome blog

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HMBROWN1 11/9/2014 9:18AM

    Excellent!

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TRAVELGO 11/9/2014 9:16AM

  Great blog!

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EVILCECIL 11/9/2014 8:58AM

  Go out there and get it done then!
Good luck.

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If I could have the perfect day, what would it be?

Friday, November 07, 2014

I sometimes wake up wishing I did not have a mile long to do list, that I don't have to "work" and look after my family, that I could spend a day totally focused on ME.

Today was one of those mornings. The thing is, I have a lot of flexibility in my day. I have opportunities. I make choices and have quite a bit of control. So... who is that is stopping me from having my perfect day?

It comes down to the perfectionist in me. I set such high standards for my perfect day.
I would walk for hours outdoors.
I would have multiple workouts.
I would eat only the healthiest of foods and minimally at that.
I would write oodles. I would spend the day with people I care about. I would do nothing. I would already have a clean house and all the bills paid and the paperwork caught up. I would spend the day alone and meditative. I would dance and listen to my favourite songs. I would read all day and drink pots of tea by a fire. I would catch up with friends not seen in a while. I would batch cook to be prepared. I would follow a "how to" book for the whole day. I would jump on a plane and go spend time with someone far away. I would get my yard ready for winter (did I mention it started snowing this morning)....

The list goes on and on. And did you notice the conflicts? The reality is there is no reason I can't have bits of a perfect day every day. THAT is what I need to focus on. What wonderful small thing can I do for myself? Celebrate? It used to be whenever I drove to visit my daughter at University (a 2 day trip of driving there and back) I would buy a lottery ticket and while I drove fantasize about how I could create the perfect life for all those around me... and it always came down to creating my perfect day... and it was complicated even in my fantasy. Hire a chef, call in a cleaning crew, rent a dumpster .... my problem is my mind is not ready to give in. It puts at the forefront all the clutter, errands, and needs. I think what I need to do this morning is put the one small thing that I can luxuriate in at the front today. That will be writing. Tomorrow it may be batch cooking. I don't know, but I suspect if I can change that mindset then I will get in more gliders of perfection.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CTUPTON 11/10/2014 1:41PM

    emoticon and emoticon

I can't wait to read your published works! chris

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SEAWAVE 11/9/2014 12:12AM

    Lists! Long, long lists of things to do, errands to run, people I miss... I can so relate to you! One thing I've found is to just focus on the task at hand, get kind of zen about it, and forget the rest. Sometimes just making the list for me seems to be a procrastination or avoidance tool, a sign I'm worried about something that I don't want to face. I've had a lot of that the past few years LOL!

And try to find a small thing - even just 15 minutes - for YOU every few hours. emoticon You are sooo worth it!



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1CRAZYDOG 11/7/2014 1:36PM

    Friday . . . the perfect day to find just one small way to pamper yourself !

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NASFKAB 11/7/2014 9:46AM

  all the best

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BLESSEDGMP 11/7/2014 9:08AM

    I totally understand. Today is my birthday but instead of taking a ME day I have a mile long list of errands to do. I think part of our problem is always putting others needs before our own.

Pat

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