JUSTYNA7   89,653
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Unlocking a road block

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Whatever my energy is focused on... gets stronger and more powerful.

I was thinking that while writing this morning. I was deciding to focus on positive choices and it made me wonder how much the way I approach my "problems" affects how easy the solutions are. I have lots of choices.

I can say "don't eat junk food"! And after struggling with that for a while think that it is just too wide a goal so narrow it to "don't eat junk food at night" ... and still find it a struggle. "Don't think about it only has you thinking about it, right?

So what if I say "eat more healthy foods"? Yup, I have noticed that that is easier... and the side effect is I eat less junk food. Go figure. I think that that has been the secret of my successes....

And what if there are negatives attached to positives? Ah... the mind games. "Go to the gym" is a positive, right? So why am I not going? Could it be that associated with that is "get back in the car after working and drive... get sweaty and sore... I'd rather be resting because I'm too tired.... " (help me out here because going to the gym is not one of my things any longer, lol. ) So perhaps subconciously the energy starts going towards those negatives. The answer... for me... just "move" and actively think positives.

Knowing that my mind may be what is blocking me from success, that rewording something may unlock the ability to achieve something ... is in my opinion mind blowing. It is as though I have realized that if I reach a road block, there are detours possible. I just have to find them.

I used to be a great procrastinator and I listened to "eat that frog". The author said if the first thing you do each day is eat the biggest frog in the pond then nothing worse will happen to you. The "frogs" being things you have to/need to do. It made me realize how I use avoidance (including eating) to not face things I am afraid of doing. Just saying to myself "what is my frog today? And, lol, I guess it is time to "eat it"" helped me progress in my journey to be healthy. It is all about attitude. Adding in humour was my key.

I think the other thing was adding in the self talk. I have noticed lately my self talk is a little negative. Where did the cheerleader go? There was a time when I actively was cutting off my negative prattle and saying "Justyna, let me remind you why you are doing this!" and then I would tell myself about all the good things I was working towards.

It is easy to let the dark side in. From the dark side we can blame ourselves for letting ourselves get into "this mess" or let a background of muttering excuses colour our belief about what we "want" to do or eat. Or we can celebrate the small things that our good choices give us... like noticing the fall leaves because we went outside or appreciating not getting all the stop lights heading to the gym or, if you really want to think positive, look at stop lights as a chance to do some kegal exercises. Maybe you don't have to go that far, but the point is, it is MY choice and MY solution. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DRAGON-CHICK 10/23/2014 11:58AM

    Great blog!

Oh, man, I need to work on my self talk.
I'd never let anyone talk to me the way I do!

emoticon emoticon

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KOHINOOR2 10/22/2014 7:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HEALTHY4ME 10/22/2014 2:40PM

    Oh I agree and lately I too have been doing better at positive self talk, and lol the one on don't eat junk or I eat healthy is so true. sure does help me - if I say don't eat junk I think of junk I want, if I say eat healthy I will more go for an apple.

Common sense but ha how often does it prevail!

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1CRAZYDOG 10/22/2014 11:24AM

    Sometimes you're right . . . we have to re-frame our goals, our self-talk and hopefully the changes will help.

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DSBRIDE 10/22/2014 10:11AM

    Sometimes I wonder where all the obstacles come from that we face day in and out. Are they really there or do we make them up ourselves. Why is there so much inner fighting and pushing against the grain. Is it pressure from society to fit a mold that for some of us is just not meant to be? This is the negativity I'm fighting right now but as you said, it's time to push the negative away and give the positive front row center. Thankfully everyday is a new start and I wish you well with your new day!

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NASFKAB 10/22/2014 9:55AM

  well said thanks for sharing

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Scaling back the scale

Saturday, October 18, 2014

This week's subject for the writing diet is "Scaling back the scale".

The scale and I definitely have a warped relationship. I've played the games, wearing less and only weighing first thing in the morning, delighting after being ill and losing weight, dreading a weigh in after a binge. It certainly HAS had too much power. It's hard for me to accept a "plus or minus a few pounds" as acceptable.

However I'm also not willing to give it up. I have put more emphasis on non scale victories and don't expect to lose weight... but I am very afraid of gaining (espcially right now since I am still awaiting knee surgery and am not as active as I was). I need that reassurance the number gives me when it does not move. The number still reminds me of my success so far... because I have lost weight since joining SP. The number is a reminder of how close I am to onederland and my goal. But it does feel a little like getting closer to the edge of a cliff when I am on the lower side and not wanting to go lower and certainly feels like I am backtracking when the number is on the higher side. I think that those two reactions to the number are not normal.

No, I know. the number does not reflect non scale victories, good choices, what is going on in my life. I'm grateful for the information I have found that lists reasons why we don't lose weight even when we are successfully eating and exercising. I remind myself of those in my writing and try not to focus on the number. I'm also more aware of what a "good" weight is for me. I know that my children are "normal" in size but higher in weight on charts and that has been great inspiration for me to see myself as a lot closer to a "normal" weight than the charts tell me. The number no longer yells at me that I'm huge. I know clinically I am still obese, but I don't feel like such a huge person any more. My clothes tell me that. The mirror tells me that. So my goal weight is much "higher" than it used to be. But I'm not there yet... and seem at a standstill. Why? It can't just be my activity level. I am still eating more than I need. Why? But because weight loss can also trigger bad eating behaviours I do consider what might happen if I gave up the scale. It probably would be a good thing. Losing weight can trigger me rather than encourage me. I suppose that is a really good thing to write about today. There is likely something I am still afraid of, losing weight. I still want food to numb pain (emotional and physical), satisfy boredom, and escape fears. I'll keep writing trying to work on those and maybe soon I can let go of my death hold on the scale.

Baby steps... maybe away from the scale this week....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AJDOVER1 10/20/2014 6:39PM

    I weigh myself everyday -- it reinforces my belief that fluctuations are natural. The number only represents a moment in time -- not my worth. There is nothing magical about a "weigh in day." I just weigh myself, note the number and get on with my day. The number does not in itself determine my behavior. I need to make healthy choices every day.

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SPARKNB 10/19/2014 12:08PM

    I relate to your feelings, especially the Why on still eating too much; and you named several reasons why: fear, numbing, boredom....I will focus on those in baby steps too. Especially boredom lately, for me. Gonna go do some spark research via articles on that. Thanks emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 10/18/2014 3:49PM

    It's kinda like the warped relationship we develop with food only with the scale! You said it . .. we are NOT the # on the scale. It is only a measurement.

Seems like you have answered some of your question in your blog . . . with less activity and taking in more calories than you need, that can lead to a standstill.

The most important thing is to eat healthfully. Look @ the other measures of how you're doing (but then you know this already . . . just sayin').

Stress -- that's HUGE in what goes on in our bodies, including affecting weight.

Good luck. HUGS

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DSBRIDE 10/18/2014 3:17PM

    The scale sets my mood for the day no matter how hard I try . I can't keep away altogether either. A gain makes me work harder, a loss lets me relax a bit and the circle continues. So I know what you're feeling. Why can't we give it up? What is this hold it has over us? So many things to figure out and no answers in sight. Just keep plugging along.

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NASFKAB 10/18/2014 12:48PM

  you can do it

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HEALTHY4ME 10/18/2014 12:43PM

    Interesting.... did you get my spark mail info. It does say a tiny bit about the scale but more on why and how you feel and such. hope the link works esp the first one.

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LOSE4LIFE47 10/18/2014 12:29PM


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75 days until the New Year!

Friday, October 17, 2014

This has been a roller coaster week... but I feel grateful. My neighbour came by with a plant to go by the pool. It is a wonderful symbol I think of our growing friendship.

What am I grateful for today?
-painting one nail purple yesterday to help me remember to stay on track. I chose to buy the nail polish over going to the fast food place or trying one of the pastries in the renovated grocery store that has created a massive display right at the entrance of decadence. My purple nail is all the decadence I need and was my "reward" for not going to the dark side.
-a friend I feel I can talk about anything with who is actually available. So many of my good friends are far far away. This is a luxery for sure! I hope I can be as good a friend for her as she already has been for me. We are cut from the same cloth so it is as if we have always known each other. There are similarities in where we came from and what we have experienced. But like any two people we are very different and I appreciate how healthy that is. Perhaps we will inspire each other.
-hair that is beginning to behave, lol
-less knee pain overall which will help me endure the wait ahead with the delayed knee surgery.
-seeing progress with my food choices and a growing recipe file of healthy "go to's"
-my pool that is warmer than it has been for a while that is sooo close to being "done" (fixing walls and repainting the room)
-being close to 90,000 spark points... kind of exciting

My countdown continues. It is now 75 days to the new year with my goal of walking and eating clean as many days as possible in that time. I feel like... anything is possible. What matters is making a positive choice every day. I am worth it. And it makes a difference. Keep it simple. And have a wonderful day my friends!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NASFKAB 10/18/2014 4:00AM

  you are doing great all the best keep at it

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KOHINOOR2 10/17/2014 9:10PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Thanks for sharing.

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WORKNPROGRESS49 10/17/2014 4:14PM

    emoticon blog!!!

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DSBRIDE 10/17/2014 2:05PM

    Great blog and I'm happy you are so positive! I love the purple nail polish, my favorite color too! Have a great day, hugs!

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1CRAZYDOG 10/17/2014 1:51PM

    Awesome! HUGS

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FORZACHANDMATT 10/17/2014 12:10PM

    Can't believe it's only 75 days!!!

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HEALTHY4ME 10/17/2014 12:05PM

    LOVE this positive blog!!!! Just what I need to read today. Dreary waiting for the hurricane, in pain and just waiting to go to drs appointment. Anway glad you are doing better and LOVE your purple nail!!! my fav colour that and periwinkle blue!

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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

It was thanksgiving weekend here in Canada and the first one that all three of my daughters and the 2 boyfriends would be together ... so I planned a full tukey dinner plus 2 more days of meals that we took, by boat, in freezing weather up to the cottage and then we stayed there the long weekend. There were certainly some challenges but everyone took them in stride. My eldest daughter in particular does not like the outdoors and has severe asthma so with woodsmoke and dust and mice, she suffered but endured.

With waterproof gear and many layers I was able to kayak with DH and the dog Saturday and Sunday. One DD went hiking with her BF and later canoeing with the dog. Anther DD and her BF spent most of the time sleeping but did kayak a bit. I sketched with my eldest DD some of the incredible foliage we get in the part of the world and enjoyed the mist every morning coming off the water. My eldest DD spent most of her time indoors in a warm sunny reading.
I was so pleased when furniture started shuffling and everyone somehow ended up in the "kitcen/dining" area reading, eating, chatting and playing games. Everyone wanted to be with each other. To look out over the lake where Osprey and Eagles and Loons were still fishing. There were small back rubs and jokes. Photos taken. It was lovely feeling like this is my family and we get along so well. Especially nice because I do love being up there and it rarely happens that they want to be there. Perhaps some of them will not want to go back but at least one daughter and her BF have the "bug" and were beginning to see the potential in the place. They are interested in helping with cottage opening next May.

Then Monday we packed up and boated to the "landing" where after we packed up our vehicles, 2 of my sister in laws had organized a pot luck dinner at my parent's home on the mainland. There were.. about 30 of us with 6 dogs I think. One toddler and two teens and the rest adults. My parents and one of my siblings and his family had gone the previous day to my mother's side of the famlily. On the way home one of their vehicles had lost a wheel so thankfully my parents had been close behind and able to help and then nice for them all to arrive to a full meal prepared. It was less stressful than many gatherings and... I managed to talk with my father. For those who know our history, there are issues between us and fr the last year we have been estranged. In fact getting up the cottage didn't happen at all last year because we share it with my parents. But he is about to have surgery. My mother is worried, as the primary caregiver, and she should be. They live remotely on a lake, at least a half hour from a town with medical support and several hours from a large hospital, and they both have limitations physically. I'm an Occupational Therapist. Anways... I have knowledge that could help. And... my father, who used to be outstanding in his field replacing knee joints, had knowledge that could help me. I had my own concerns after having my surgery consult last week with my doctor. My relationship with my father made me prepared to avoid him the entire time... but somehow the situation, people, good moods? all managed to work away at my fears and I found myself initiating an impromputu assessment of him and then asking his advice. So we talked. It went all right. We agreed to disagree about his needs and he pretty much convinced me that he and my Mother would manage (assuming nothing goes wrong) and he convinced me that, as usual, my worries are not valid about my own knee. He is after all an expert. There had been no yelling. No tears. No pain. I woke up this morning with a feeling of gratefullness. I would just go ahead with my plans and rust the surgeon to make the best choice.

And then to my surprise he phoned this morning. He had considered overnight and decided I was right about his needs and will make the changes I suggested to make it easier and safer for he and my mother. I think I almost fell off my chair. And... he had considered my upcoming surgery. If I had been his patient ...he said he would order an MRI or bonescan before doing the surgery and certainly would be more inclined to do a full replacement rather than a partial. Really? He was acknowledging my fears as possibly right?! I was stunned. . Since I have known my father I have never been "right" about anything. The converstaion with my Dad this morning made such an impact. I can't express how much relief I feel because ultimately I want my life back. What it does mean is more waiting. Here in Ontario it takes forever to get bone scans or MRI's. Last time I went to Quebec and paid out of pocket. DH says we should do that. I am tired of wating for surgery... but .... I can live with this for a few more months or another year if I have to... if the final result is successful surgery.

So unlike many post thanksgiving mornings, I am very thankful. Many times thankful.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEAWAVE 10/15/2014 7:50PM

    What a wonderful week-end! I love the dynamics in your family, and how everyone gets along. But I never thought I would hear of being able to talk to your father like that. . You are so strong to have seen past the bad stuff and moved beyond it. Just goes to show what can happen when you come from a place of love.

Here's hoping now that you won't have to wait quite that long for surgery!


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AJDOVER1 10/15/2014 1:47PM

    What blessings!

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NASFKAB 10/14/2014 11:27PM

  great you enjoyed with your girls & their boyfriends & that you were able to speak to your father without any unpleasantness so happy for you

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JUSTME29 10/14/2014 8:25PM

    That sounds like a fantastic weekend all around, and having a couple nice, and mutually beneficial, conversations with your father is just an added bonus.

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JUSTYNA7 10/14/2014 3:29PM

    I think so too... especially as my father was my surgeon's mentor back in the day...

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1CRAZYDOG 10/14/2014 1:37PM

    Well, all-in-all, sounds like a successful weekend. For sure, if you have niggling doubts, DO discuss them w/the surgeon. It's good that your Dad will write the surgeon as well. ((((HUGS))))

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A talk with myself.... working out the worries.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

I hate this... doing so well then I start to fall apart.

I have my surgery consult this afternoon. I think under my lists of triggers doctors are way up at the top of the list. DH said he would come with me and at the time I thought... no I'll be OK. But as the apt. got closer I started feeling the anxiety growing.

Why? I am a grown woman and I KNOW I am eligible for surgery. I have been told many times including by this doctor who did my other knee. Yet there is this fear... of judgement. I have blogged already about this but I am trying to calm myself. What other fears do I have? The surgery of course, even though I look at my last knee and am so happy with the results. The pain last time with complications... OK those are real worries but I can talk to the doctor today and I can prevent them by not having an epidural. Food? Yup, I'll lose control of food while in hospital but perhaps my sister and family will bring me in healthy food (why is it that hospitals have such a lack of vegetables and fruits??? I think that I was not impressed last time because the meals were nowhere near what I consider healthy for a diabetic. No protein with breakfast for example... I think it is not so much that food is an issue in itself but that I won't have control. Pain. Mmm. I can't have the normal pain concoctions because of alergies so last time I made due with tylenol. It was pretty bad. I will have a chance to talk to the docs about that too. No morphine for me. I certainly halucinated on oxycodin but it did not give me hives or make me puke. Again.. lack of control. Not that I even have a surgery date yet... just having the consult. But then I suppose I am afraid of having to wait longer. If the surgery was next week I'd be OK with that. In the new year, not so much. I need to start making income again. So I guess I am afraid that they will not give me a surgery date. In fact today they may not even do more Xrays. It may be a "wasted" visit just to say hello and realize that I am already a patient. It drives me nuts feeling like I slip between the cracks. I'm still angry (big word... and I've been stiffling this feeling) that my "expidited to the top of the waiting list" has meant nothing.... that I may have had a fracture after all when I had my injury and my family doc was right and could that have compromised my elibibilty for surgery? OK I am not helping my worries. I just need to write some of these thoughts down to discuss with the surgeon. Groan.

So.... my fears and anxieties have transferred to other things. Finances... house projects... clutter. I must say my family is trying hard in those departments. We are pretty much ready to paint one room after finishing repairs. Rooms are slowly transforming into organized spaces with the girls sorting what they have brought home and going through closets to see what they can sell or recycle. I sent an email to my favourite Paleo recipe blogger asking for advice for meals to freeze. That was a smart idea. I have put things in motion with my financial planner. I got a "diaper" system for my dog as she has become incontinent with her aging and it is helping us both... as soon as the diaper comes off she is excited to go out. I'm sad that she is deteriorating but grateful she still seems so happy. It still has not helped that there are some unexpected bills and new "unknowns" for income. Can I do anything about those? No. So.... I need to focus on the positive steps.

My food. Not bad. A few gluten free mini binges. Middle of the day after not having lunch... and in the evening when I was in pain and DH was busy working on repairs when what I really wanted was someone to calm my growing fears. A couple of nights of TV watching when I should have gone to sleep. Overall though my meals have been clean, well spaced, and I have done other things rather than watch TV many evenings. I have been planning Thanksgiving weekend (Canadian) coming up and working with DH and the girls on the repairs and sorting and decluttering. We have been communicating well about cooking meals and developed a sticker system to "claim" foods with lists on the fridge for things to eat up. No weight loss but no gain either. Pat on the back, J. You are doing OK. Keep it up.

Exercise. Hmmm. A lot more walking on concrete than I should do so my knees, understandably, hurt. I've done a few walks, a few pool exercises. Some yard work. Not... consistently but I have not been sedintary. I think I am being too hard on myself. I have done some really big shopping trips to stock up and take advantage of sales including getting more "remote" ingredients which takes time and energy. Now I should only have to shop locally for a while. However I don't feel... trim. I feel rather frumpy. I was disappointed to go underwear shopping (so I would have decent things to wear to the hospital) and not find what I wanted. That typical... it does not fit me so I must be the wrong size feeling... and it has lingered. I am not a fan of shopping and would rather spend the time walking. Ah... I miss long walks. But I will again soon.

Well... this blog is just a bunch of complaining but actually I feel better. I do know I've been making positive steps and efforts and I do know these feelings come from some fears that I really can work out. Considering that I have been off work so long I think it is amazing I have been so positive until now. I think... I work on some positive mantras while I'm driving into town and while I am in the waiting room I'll do a sudoku instead of focusing on what to talk to the doctor about. I will grab some tuna and salad before I go. ... well... this is it. Time...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROSEYJO1 10/11/2014 4:36PM

    Sometimes you just have to get all the feelings out and just by doing that you feel better. I can truly understand how you feel about the DR. I would rather run away than see mine. LOL So just know I understand. Have a wonderful day.

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EVER-HOPEFUL 10/10/2014 1:49AM

    well i am still at the so painfull stage of my knee replacement and i am waiting for the happy phase that i made the right decission.hopefully it will get better soon.good luck with the op and look at it this way .you know what to expect-. emoticon

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NASFKAB 10/8/2014 11:52PM

  all the best dear Justyna good you vented here

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DSBRIDE 10/8/2014 3:49PM

    I know exactly how you feel about going to the Dr. If you read any of my blogs, I really stress out when I have to go and work myself up into a frenzy. Nothing is as bad as I imagine it but there is no talking to me beforehand. That said, you will feel a hundred time better when it's over. You've been doing great so you should be proud of your progress. Nobody s perfect but you came really close. Wishing you well! Hugs,

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DSJB9999 10/8/2014 3:07PM

    we are always here to share the good stuff and the not so good so don't worry about moaning.

just take care of yourself. Good luck.

emoticon emoticon

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WORKNPROGRESS49 10/8/2014 2:39PM


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MSHEALTHYMEL 10/8/2014 1:30PM

    May you find the ability within you to make peace with the process....smile! emoticon

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DRAGON-CHICK 10/8/2014 1:23PM

    Good luck today!!!!

Funny how stress adds up. 2 + 2 equals 22 for stress and anxiety!
But you're doing great, and will continue to do so (with a few bumps in the road)
But you'll bounce back.

Let us know how the appointment went.
Sending you some good vibes!!

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1CRAZYDOG 10/8/2014 1:02PM


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