Monday, November 24, 2014
(My birthday is in April but...) On the day I turned 16 my family forgot it was my birthday. Not the first time. I went for a walk and an acquaintance stopped and chatted. When she heard my story she grabbed my hand and dragged me back to her house. My name was added to her mother's birthday cake and we all celebrated together. I will never forget that feeling of being in that room, totally accepted with my name on that cake.
I had a wonderful weekend. Not the "perfect" type of weekend that my healthy goals strive for. No... it was messy and involved food and sweets and wine and a long road trip, and such a tight and busy schedule. I wanted to hide away at times and just be.. but we went from home to situation to home. There are issues, illnesses, waiting to hear about jobs, waiting to hear about exam results, plans not yet decided and we were part of that. We were there to listen, support. While we were gone my youngest DD and her boyfriend finally had friends over and we arrived in the night to hear them laughing. My eldest DD joined them in laughter and at one point my husband I were part of it all.
I was looking at the mess this morning. Feeling sore from so much sitting in the car and in chairs. Sometimes on stools across from a kitchen and sometimes around a table full of food. Sometimes snuggled between friends or family on a couch. My weight on the scale is up a bit which made me sigh. There was a text saying how much my DD's friends enjoyed... our family. They felt like they belonged, as though they were... home. It suddenly occurred to me that everywhere we went on our trip and returning home I felt the same. At home. Accepted. Good about myself.
No, it's not about the cake with my name on it. I tried that for many years, using food to fill the void. It's about the acceptance. Of myself as I am. Of others as they are. I can't hide away only focusing on myself or ... there is no reason. We need to be there for each other.
Life keeps happening around us, whipping up the leaves and banging at the shutters. Sometimes I can just stay inside and yet there are still preparations for winter and the necessary forages out for appointments, food, etc. I can put all my energy into myself. Blinders on. It is constant. But then sometimes I am pulled into the thick of it all. Neighbours, friends, community. Things happne and we need to emerse ourselves in it all. It is always changing and it surprises me when I realize how satisfied I feel, despite the exhaustioin, worry, fears... after the "worst of it". Funny how our hearts have much more room than we expect for "inconviences". I know how important my weight and healthy are... but sometimes I'm reminded that it is not all about me. I think today I would like to jiggle a little bit of my belly and remind it that it is not that important and hug my daughters and husband instead.
And the rest of the day... well, time to get back to the goals of healthy eating and exercise of course!
Monday, November 17, 2014
I step on the scale and am happy because I can see it leaning back towards onederland. I've been very good at the no sugar and trying to do something every day for exercise. But when I look on my start page I still see the tracker at 198. Yup, I did it and I was leaving it there to...know that it is possible? Or because I was ashamed to move it up?
It's hard feeling like I have let people down or let myself down. I was the one who lost over 65 pounds and I meant to STAY under onederland. But then I injured my knee and I let sugar back in. I never stopped fighting and trying... but I lost my umph.
Today I move the tracker, because the shame has to end. Shame is a powerful and I think it is part of survival instinct to deny or run away rather than face it. I gained 10 pounds since June. Most of that right away and then I had to struggle to get control again. I've lost 2 since last week so here I am at 206.
And what do I have to do now? Lose one pound. Yup, one pound 7 times will get me back to where I was, my lowest weight in decades. Ten was... an overwhelming feeling because my weight loss on SP is slower than an evaporating ocean. I could not risk anything drastic or I might trigger my food dragon. But this cutting out of sugars and snacks... I am OK with that. Just keep moving as much as possible... something every day. I did crunches yesterday and it felt good. Yup, I can do this one pound. Jump on it, squish it, rinse it down the drain, drown it. Maybe do a little dance, sleep it away. I have the power to do it. One pound. Crunch it in those crunches. Bump it into oblivion. Stride right over it. Every movement may move it somewhere in my body but eventually will wear it away!
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
I have had this "committment" attitude since my last blog so it has been 2 days without sugar and I've been trying to exercise. I had let sugars sneak in and felt winey about my my knee pain... but I realized that I was treating improving my health like an interest and only working on it when it was convenient. Halloween candies kind of became OK for a couple of days there. I was skipping meals and over eating at meals. Then I wrote that blog and "woke up". I want to lose weight and be healthy so what I am going to do about it today?
That is how I was feeling yesterday and low and behold I finally got a knee replacement surgery date. December 22 which is 6 weeks from yesterday. I have 6 weeks to "behave" and hopefully see some results. The better shape I am in the easier recovery will be. I knew that before but I had lost hope. Hurry up and wait had dragged on way too long.
Clean eating. No refined sugars, no white flours, making sure I get calcium and vitamin D. No chips. Good healthy fats like nuts and seeds and avocados. Lots of protein, less carbs. Check my blood sugars. Water, water, water. No snacking at night. No skipping meals. More veggies. Walk to my limits. I have put my spark tracker back on to give me feedback. Walk in the water. Walk by the river. Get out of my chair. Hubby and I are going to start going to bed earlier. He is starting a new job and they want him to set an example for the other employees so we will try and rise and shine together. More prayer and breathing and stretching. I want my body, mind and soul "clean", like doing a spring cleanse... only, lol, it is fall.
Sunday, November 09, 2014
"There is a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit."
I printed this out in red to put on my wall. Am I interested in getting healthy? or committed?
How about playing harp? If I want to be able to play for a Christmas concert?
How about finishing my novel? If I want to publish it?
How about my faith and involvement with my community? If I want to make a real difference?
I have been with DH for over 35 years. I have grown children. I know what committment is. I have been on teams, been team leader, I know the difference. I have a long list of successes.
Today I am committed. I will sit down and make my list of what I need to accomplish today and get it done!
Friday, November 07, 2014
I sometimes wake up wishing I did not have a mile long to do list, that I don't have to "work" and look after my family, that I could spend a day totally focused on ME.
Today was one of those mornings. The thing is, I have a lot of flexibility in my day. I have opportunities. I make choices and have quite a bit of control. So... who is that is stopping me from having my perfect day?
It comes down to the perfectionist in me. I set such high standards for my perfect day.
I would walk for hours outdoors.
I would have multiple workouts.
I would eat only the healthiest of foods and minimally at that.
I would write oodles. I would spend the day with people I care about. I would do nothing. I would already have a clean house and all the bills paid and the paperwork caught up. I would spend the day alone and meditative. I would dance and listen to my favourite songs. I would read all day and drink pots of tea by a fire. I would catch up with friends not seen in a while. I would batch cook to be prepared. I would follow a "how to" book for the whole day. I would jump on a plane and go spend time with someone far away. I would get my yard ready for winter (did I mention it started snowing this morning)....
The list goes on and on. And did you notice the conflicts? The reality is there is no reason I can't have bits of a perfect day every day. THAT is what I need to focus on. What wonderful small thing can I do for myself? Celebrate? It used to be whenever I drove to visit my daughter at University (a 2 day trip of driving there and back) I would buy a lottery ticket and while I drove fantasize about how I could create the perfect life for all those around me... and it always came down to creating my perfect day... and it was complicated even in my fantasy. Hire a chef, call in a cleaning crew, rent a dumpster .... my problem is my mind is not ready to give in. It puts at the forefront all the clutter, errands, and needs. I think what I need to do this morning is put the one small thing that I can luxuriate in at the front today. That will be writing. Tomorrow it may be batch cooking. I don't know, but I suspect if I can change that mindset then I will get in more gliders of perfection.
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