Sunday, August 18, 2013
Hey everyone, I am having a tough time with my boyfriend, and need some advice. I am an emotional eater, and battle with turning to food for many reasons other than hunger. I started exploring this so I could find healthier supports other than food to cope with my problems and stress. I experienced a 75 lb weight loss 5 years ago. Since then I have kept 60lbs of it off, but I still struggle with emotional eating. When I was single, the reason to loose weight was for me and only me. I could take my time learning why I ate out of emotion. I wasn't trying to fill a void with food, but instead acknowledged my void, give it attention, and feel the feelings that came along with it. Surprisingly when I was able to face feelings, food was the last thing I wanted to comfort me, and weight loss was a nice side effect. I met Ian, and was happily distracted by love, and platoed. Unfortunately I stopped giving time and attention to myself the way I did before, and I not only stopped losing weight, but I've gained some back too. This has set me back in terms of self esteem. Problems have occurred between us and our personal life. I get self-conscious, and insecure. He has expressed that it would benefit our relationship if I was happier with my body, and didn't struggle so much with food. He hasn't suggested I try being happy at the weight I am, because he's heard me say so many times how much I hate the way I look, I hate having to buy bigger clothes, and I wish I felt better. He is very athletic, and has been honest when I ask, telling me that he is attracted to women who are more in shape. He constantly tells me that he would never want me to be extreme with weight loss, or be unhealthy and swing the other side of the scale, but being attracted to the woman he is with is something he needs, and he does need me to try and loose weight, especially knowing the weight I carry is because of psychological reasons. But when he suggests I loose weight to fix these things, I immediately feel rejected by him, and tell him it hurts me to feel I have to loose weight for him. The problem is I am trying to prove that if Ian accepted me at 215lbs, then I would accept me. But of coarse that isn't happening. Being distracted by his feelings about my body and putting him on the spot insisting that he never want me to change, has been a huge distraction so I don't have to focus on my behavior, or put the hard work into weight loss. I'm molding my experiences in life of not being accepted because of my weight with him. I tell him all I want is for someone to never need that from me, and that whatever I want to do with my body is ok. It's like I need to experience someone accepting my body 100%. It's a catch 22, because the reason someone hasn't accepted my body 100%, is because I don't. Since he doesn't understand the disorder I have completely, he can only try to support me, but be honest about his needs, which I immediately take as rejection, and resent him. Last night he asked me if he should move out for a while and give me time to figure out what I want in terms of my health and weight on my own like I did before. This scares me because he's never suggested separating before. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to loose weight to keep him either. How do I achieve goals for me, even though I know he would prefer I loose weight? How do I accept that loosing weight will satisfy his needs, and not have that trigger an emotional cascade that puts me in such distress that I resent him, and ultimately end up sabotaging myself out of spite? Any of your thoughts would be appreciated.