KAYBEE0525   19
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Relationship Trouble

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Hey everyone, I am having a tough time with my boyfriend, and need some advice. I am an emotional eater, and battle with turning to food for many reasons other than hunger. I started exploring this so I could find healthier supports other than food to cope with my problems and stress. I experienced a 75 lb weight loss 5 years ago. Since then I have kept 60lbs of it off, but I still struggle with emotional eating. When I was single, the reason to loose weight was for me and only me. I could take my time learning why I ate out of emotion. I wasn't trying to fill a void with food, but instead acknowledged my void, give it attention, and feel the feelings that came along with it. Surprisingly when I was able to face feelings, food was the last thing I wanted to comfort me, and weight loss was a nice side effect. I met Ian, and was happily distracted by love, and platoed. Unfortunately I stopped giving time and attention to myself the way I did before, and I not only stopped losing weight, but I've gained some back too. This has set me back in terms of self esteem. Problems have occurred between us and our personal life. I get self-conscious, and insecure. He has expressed that it would benefit our relationship if I was happier with my body, and didn't struggle so much with food. He hasn't suggested I try being happy at the weight I am, because he's heard me say so many times how much I hate the way I look, I hate having to buy bigger clothes, and I wish I felt better. He is very athletic, and has been honest when I ask, telling me that he is attracted to women who are more in shape. He constantly tells me that he would never want me to be extreme with weight loss, or be unhealthy and swing the other side of the scale, but being attracted to the woman he is with is something he needs, and he does need me to try and loose weight, especially knowing the weight I carry is because of psychological reasons. But when he suggests I loose weight to fix these things, I immediately feel rejected by him, and tell him it hurts me to feel I have to loose weight for him. The problem is I am trying to prove that if Ian accepted me at 215lbs, then I would accept me. But of coarse that isn't happening. Being distracted by his feelings about my body and putting him on the spot insisting that he never want me to change, has been a huge distraction so I don't have to focus on my behavior, or put the hard work into weight loss. I'm molding my experiences in life of not being accepted because of my weight with him. I tell him all I want is for someone to never need that from me, and that whatever I want to do with my body is ok. It's like I need to experience someone accepting my body 100%. It's a catch 22, because the reason someone hasn't accepted my body 100%, is because I don't. Since he doesn't understand the disorder I have completely, he can only try to support me, but be honest about his needs, which I immediately take as rejection, and resent him. Last night he asked me if he should move out for a while and give me time to figure out what I want in terms of my health and weight on my own like I did before. This scares me because he's never suggested separating before. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to loose weight to keep him either. How do I achieve goals for me, even though I know he would prefer I loose weight? How do I accept that loosing weight will satisfy his needs, and not have that trigger an emotional cascade that puts me in such distress that I resent him, and ultimately end up sabotaging myself out of spite? Any of your thoughts would be appreciated.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

QUEENAQUA23 8/18/2013 2:36PM

    Awww :) It's hard, but it can be done. I had to do a lot of growing IN my relationship before I could get to where I needed to be (lucky my partner is one of the most supportive people ever. :) ) So it can be done! If you ever need to talk or someone to give a nice supportive (insert metaphor for encouragement here), I am more than happy to provide either where applicable. :D

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KAYBEE0525 8/18/2013 2:07PM

  Hi Jamie,

Thank you so much for you response. I appreciate the time it took for you to write that! I also appreciate your insight, you have very good points. I loved the DTMFA! that was so funny! I hopefully will be able to subjectively work this stuff out while in relationship with Ian, that is a huge goal. My biggest goal right now is to get my own "stuff" worked out, and be healthier overall in my mind, body, and spirit...:)

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QUEENAQUA23 8/18/2013 1:49PM

    Hello. Your blog post title caught my attention so... here's my advice. :) I read your Sparkpage too. (And you're very pretty by the way. 215 is not a horrible weight. I wish I was there.)

"Surprisingly when I was able to face feelings, food was the last thing I wanted to comfort me, and weight loss was a nice side effect. I met Ian, and was happily distracted by love, and platoed. Unfortunately I stopped giving time and attention to myself the way I did before."

It is sounding like when you met Ian, you stopped facing feelings you were working on while distracted by love. You stopped giving yourself time and attention. This suggests that the love you were aiming to find from within was quickly replaced by someone else giving it to you. Loving yourself FIRST and foremost should come before loving anyone else. It's one of the hardest things to learn.

"He hasn't suggested I try being happy at the weight I am, because he's heard me say so many times how much I hate the way I look... It's like I need to experience someone accepting my body 100%. It's a catch 22, because the reason someone hasn't accepted my body 100%, is because I don't. Since he doesn't understand the disorder I have completely, he can only try to support me, but be honest about his needs, which I immediately take as rejection, and resent him... He... has been honest when I ask, telling me that he is attracted to women who are more in shape. ... But when he suggests I loose weight to fix these things, I immediately feel rejected by him, and tell him it hurts me to feel I have to loose weight for him... "

This individual does not sound like someone who is aiming to support you... because you stopped supporting yourself. He met you while you were 'hot' to him, and then you stopped caring for yourself (your words) and then the attraction left. But one of the biggest things to kill attraction is to hear someone put themselves down. I used to do it a lot myself. The fact he's being honest about his needs is a big positive.

"Last night he asked me if he should move out for a while and give me time to figure out what I want in terms of my health and weight on my own like I did before. This scares me because he's never suggested separating before."

You have a lot of things you have to work through. Everyone does. This doesn't automatically mean you need to stop relationships WHILE you're still personally growing. In some ways, a relationship can HELP you personally grow. And I do acknowledge change is scary. The body will resist change at every turn. But it could be considered that maybe he's tired of the "I hate how I look, but I don't want to change" routine. See below.

"I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to loose weight to keep him either."

There is a term that also comes to mind, "price of admission." What is the price you are willing to pay to keep this individual in your life? It sounds like the price of admission to keep Ian is to lose the weight, something which you say you don't want to do. If that's the case, Dan Savage has a term I believe applies here. Feel free to google 'DTMFA'.

And I'm not even saying DTMFA is what you should do. But it sounds like there is still potentially some self work to do here that you don't need the distraction of a relationship to hinder. Especially one for whom a lot of issues are still flying around (from both sides) to the detriment of personal healing.

I wish you the best of luck. :)

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