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Who wins when you are fighting with yourself?? Hint: NOT you!

Saturday, April 05, 2014

I have been stuck in a terrible cycle of binging, beating myself up for it, feeling stressed over it, and doing it some more. I've tried getting out of it any number of times, probably the majority of mornings I think, today I can break the cycle and do better. Then, I simply don't. I can't put my finger on why I think eating whatever whenever feels better in the short term than getting myself under control and out from under the awful guilt I'm imposing upon myself for this behavior. I've done some exercise some days, I've fallen into and back out of the habit of drinking lots of water. The only consistent thing is I'm eating, eating, eating.

I feel like a failure, constantly reporting more slip-up than success, so I've been very quiet on spark lately. I don't even want to track my weight, since it's up from where I had decided I was starting over again, 2 weeks, two months, two days ago. Sigh. That's not productive, either. I'm so irritated with myself!

The dress I had planned on losing weight to fit into to wear for my wedding feels more like a millstone now, another contributor to the guilt and shame I am feeling. I go back and forth between thinking, screw it, I'll just get a different dress, and, NO, don't do that, just get your ass in gear, you still have time!

This has to stop. I'm starting to feel the familiar aches and pains that accompany my body at this higher weight, that go away altogether if I'm even 5 pounds lighter. This isn't a vanity thing. This isn't a loathe yourself you'd be a better person if you were smaller thing.

This is an I need to love myself thing. Enough to care more for my health than whatever tasty oversize pile of morsels I feel like stuffing myself with. I need to move on from this pattern, forgive my poor choices, and do things that are loving for myself, my health and my body.

Today, I'm so sick of it! Enough is enough is enough. I'm planning to track my eating today, that's always a good start. I've done a bit of exercise already, and have been generally trying to avoid sitting too long at a stretch. Alright, hitting post and getting on with it before I lose my nerve.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MPETERSON2311 4/7/2014 10:51AM

    emoticon sounds like something I could've written, or did write awhile ago lol

You got it out. You admitted to it and that you want to change. What a great step in the right direction. You can do this!

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68ANNE 4/5/2014 6:15PM

    My son and his GF went shopping and bought a bunch of junk and guess who started eating it? Argh, me. . . . so now they know they can't buy it or leave it at my place. . . or at least where i can see it, lol.
Soooo is it really so important to everyone else that you HAVE to buy it?

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JESVARNER 4/5/2014 4:30PM

    Welcome back Emily. Just one good day can be all you need to get things started down the right road!

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keeeeping goooing...

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

What a slog this week has been so far! I was overly concerned with the scale, and thankfully it finally moved, but not by much. I am working on this phase 2 thing, and will get back to my workout routine tomorrow. Chris has been home the last 3 days, and I didn't want to kick him out of the living room to do my workout, or move my stuff upstairs. Kind of a lazy excuse, but we turned the house upside down cleaning and reorganizing today, so that was a lot of work and I counted it as my fitness minutes.

I've caved in to temptation on a couple of "off limits" foods according to this diet plan, but I definitely exercised moderation and it hasn't hurt my progress at all. That was a great feeling, knowing I didn't make an ideal choice, but still didn't derail myself altogether. I picked out a (non-food) reward for every 5 pounds I lose, and I'm really looking forward to the next one!

I'm feeling good about my progress this week, even though it's only halfway over. I've conquered a couple of the mental hurdles that can really make me quit caring about working on my health and weight loss, so that's a very positive thing!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKAPHILE 2/5/2014 9:45PM

    Controlling your eating is a major part of the battle. As long as you stay within the calorie range, you have a lot of latitude in what you can eat.

Getting over the mental obstacles is a great thing! Each time it should get a bit easier to do...rather like walking the same path in the snow... you become used to where the path is.

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68ANNE 2/5/2014 7:53PM

    I am doing really well at not bothering with the scale lately and if I do see it, I mostly don't care what it says (as long as it's not up a bunch).
Great job on your progress!

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I need to be more patient.

Saturday, February 01, 2014

The appeal of the south-beach diet for me, at first, were all the stories I'd read of the quick weight loss in the beginning. In that regard, it did not disappoint, I lost 6 pounds in the first 2 weeks. Pretty good! Over my 3rd week, wherein I've been reintroducing more foods into my diet, I've not lost any.

I'm glad I've been using the nutrition tracker! I've got some idea what to tweak to try and get the scale moving again. Not that a week with no change is really such cause for concern. I wasn't home for 4 days, and didn't have my morning weigh-in to assess what impact the food changes were having. So I'll keep working on it, and see what needs to change in order to keep losing.

I am seriously getting tempted by those white carbs though! Baked potatoes to go with dinner for my family last night, and I made bread this morning since we ran out. Oh, the mouthwatering oven-fresh home baked bread!!! That was rough, but I know better. It smelled good, and that's as far as I went. I'll definitely need to look up some whole-grain bread recipes, and pick up some new ingredients at my next grocery shopping trip.

I did the circuit training routine today and yesterday, it's so nice to get back into it. I thought my dad had some free weights I could work with while I was there, but he only had 2-pounders, not very helpful! I know I will only keep feeling better as I go along, getting stronger and better able to hit that workout!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

68ANNE 2/1/2014 7:48PM

    Being able to utilize the trackers really is a great thing, huh? You are doing so amazing, love it!

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So HAPPY to be home!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

I went to house-sit for my dad while he was on vacation. My job was to keep the place warm, which conveniently coincided with a nice cold snap. He heats his home with wood, so that was a lot of work! It's funny the things you take for granted, I know I certainly appreciate the thermostat in my home, and the ease with which we can make the place warmer when we want to. The fact that the furnace kicks on more often when it's colder means more expense, but no extra actual effort.

I noticed when I was bringing in fire wood that I can easily carry quite a bit more than I used to. I wasn't limited by how heavy the load was, but how big! My arms could only hold so much, but it used to be my muscles would limit the amount I'd carry since it just got too heavy for me if I went over a certain number of pieces. So, that was a neat little "I'm stronger!" moment for me to enjoy.

I made sure I packed lots of veggies and healthy food choices to bring along, as I did I felt like I was overdoing it! I figured whatever I didn't end up eating could just come back with me, so it's not like it was that big of a deal. I was pleased to notice, however, when I went to put everything away after I got home today, that almost all the veggies had been eaten while I was there! I really made sure I brought plenty, too so that was good.

Healthy eating calls for plenty of cooking, and as I got the kitchen straightened out this morning and started washing the dishes, the water quit running! The pipe feeding into the water pump from the well had frozen. Cue 15 trips up and down huge basement steps to figure out and remedy the issue, before I could finish cleaning up and go home!!

Haha I'm so glad that whenever we run into problems at our house, it's not technically our problem, since we rent.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

68ANNE 1/31/2014 8:24PM

    Wonderful NSV, I love those moments!

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JESVARNER 1/31/2014 8:57AM

    Yay for the increased strength and improved diet! Sounds like you're doing great!
There are times when I really wish we owned our own home, but then I think about situations like you just described, and realize that renting has it's perks as well, especially right now while my fiance is deployed, knowing that all I have to do is call the property management company if something goes wrong is a big stress reliever at the moment!

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NEWYEARME 1/30/2014 8:54PM

    It has been bitterly cold here in Nova Scotia as well. It has just been a long winter all around.

You're right about having to do lots of cooking to eat healthy. But, it is worth it.

Here's hoping for an early Spring!!!

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Day 13, feeling like I'm back in the swing of things!

Sunday, January 26, 2014

What is it about delineating a new beginning, that makes things feel so motivating, fresh and good? It's probably day 774 of trying to get my weight in check, really! Haha but I guess it has more to do with focusing on the present, and leaving past struggles behind. Not that I haven't learned lots from them, but it's nice to make a distinction between then and now.

I got myself doing more exercise this week, actually got back into the circuit-training routine the past couple of days. I took notes of the moves from the video, so I don't have to actually play the video to do it. I like this since I get sick of listening to the same talk over and over, and the pace of the video is a little teeny bit on the slow side anyway. It's a true "for beginners," video thus it includes some explanations and educationally geared commentary that I really just don't need to hear again.

I'm continually amazed by how responsive my body is! Just a couple days of boosting my fitness back up again, and I'm feeling less winded when I go upstairs. I wish it had more of a stabilizing effect on my mood, but that doesn't seem to be the case! If anything, my patience seems a little shorter after I leave a puddle of sweat on the floor. Boo. Also, eating right and exercising, it's always gratifying to see a corresponding drop in the scale.

Down 6 pounds altogether since I started the South Beach diet, so I'm happy with that!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESVARNER 1/27/2014 8:53AM

    Great job!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BOOKAPHILE 1/26/2014 9:27PM

    You're doing well. Enjoy this time and its results. You are making progress!

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68ANNE 1/26/2014 6:48PM

    Great job. So happy to hear it's working for you

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