Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Well, I've heard this before, but now I'm living it.
I'm back, like that bad penny that keeps turning up.
I've let myself gain back all the weight I lost (which granted wasn't much, but still).
I'm in more pain now than ever from my back and knees under all this weight.
Time to do something about it.
My husband and I are going to our local rec center to join in the morning. They have an indoor pool with hours set aside for adult exercise / lap swimming times. I can't do anything else right now, so pool walking it is.
I've said it before, but I am determined this time to get this weight off. I have to. I'll be 40 before I know it (287 days! eek!), I want to get (and stay) pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I want to be able to walk again. I want to be able to do things with my husband. I want to be able to take a trip for our 10th anniversary (in 2014) and not have to purchase 2 airplane seats because I'm too fat.
Something has to change, and that something is me.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I am disappointed.
I am disgusted.
I am depressed.
And I am so unbelievably angry.
I let myself gain back all the weight I lost.
I'm back where I started, in pain, uncomfortable, disgusted and feeling disgusting.
When am I going to change?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Well, I knew in my heart it would happen. As hard as I tried to avoid the inevitable backslide that comes from me losing around 20 lbs...it happened anyway.
I know I allowed it to happen. I knew while I was doing it exactly what I was doing. Does that mean I stopped it?
And that's my fault.
I allowed it to run it's course.
I allowed myself to gain back 10 lbs of the weight I had lost.
I allowed myself to think "Ah, tomorrow I'll be fine. Tomorrow I'll start again."
It's tomorrow TODAY!
Time to get serious again.
Time to start logging food again.
Time to start making healthy choices and doing what I know is best for my body, for my health, for my future.
Only I can make that happen.
By the grace of God, and with His help, I will be strong enough to do this.
Friday, July 06, 2012
I've now lost (according to my home scale...not sure how much I trust it!) 22 lbs. Yes, this is great and I am thrilled! However, I'm also freaked out. The 20 lb mark is (has been) a gigantic speed bump for me. I said this time when I started this that when I hit 20 pounds, it would mark a turning point for me. That I would *know* at that point that I was really doing it. That I was truly losing weight. That I was (dare I say it?) succeeding.
You see, I've lost the same 15-17 lbs for years. Each time I lose that amount, something happens...whether it's consciously or subconsciously I'm not sure...and the wheels come off my wagon and I backslide, fail, jump back into old habits.
Never in the past 5 years have I lost more than 20 lbs while on a diet. But now, in the past three weeks lost 22. I'm scared that I will fall back into old habits and gain it right back. When I have hit this point in the past, I've allowed my fear to stop me. I have tried to look at this fear and figure out exactly what it is that I'm afraid of. Am I afraid of failing? Yes. Am I afraid of succeeding? Yes. Am I afraid of letting other people down. I am afraid of letting myself down. I am afraid of this being just another failure. I am taking steps to prevent the backslide. I have talked to my husband about it, made friends aware of it, my family is very supportive...but I'm still scared. I don't want to fail again.
Why am I afraid of succeeding? If I succeed, so many things will change for me. I will feel better. I will look better. I will be able to go into a store and buy clothing off the "normal" size rack, not have to search for the largest size in the plus size section. I will be able to do the things I want to do without constantly needing to stop and rest or be doubled over in pain. I will be able to walk. I will be able to run. I will be able to ride a bike again. I will be able to go to the Renaissance Faire in costume, something I've wanted to do for years! I will be able to go swimming without feeling and looking like a beached whale. I want to get dressed to the nines and go out on the town with my husband. I want him to be proud to be seen with me.
The fear of success for me lies in one simple (or not so simple) fact. I have NEVER been thin. I was a chunky child, I was an overweight teenager, I was a fat young adult, and I am a morbidly obese adult. I don't know what a "healthy weight" me looks like. What a healthy weight will feel like. How to operate in the world as a person that is not obese. I've navigated my entire life as an overweight/obese person. I have the emotions and social reactions of a "fat girl". I'm so used to being viewed as a fat person, I don't know if I will know how to operate in the world as a person of normal weight. If you've been overweight your whole life, it's challenging to change your thought processes and reactions.
And yes, I know that all of this is my skewed perception of how things could "possibly" work out. I know that this is not necessarily rooted in truth. It is simply how I'm feeling right now, and something I need to work through as my weight loss continues. If anyone else has gone through similar emotions in their quest to lose, do you have any advice on how you got through it?
Get An Email Alert Each Time KNITTERBUG1 Posts