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KOOKYCRUMZ's Recent Blog Entries

Looking for Myself

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I have battled my weight for years now. I seem to do well and lose and get to feeling good and then suddenly I seem to slide and it's fast. I put on more than I lost and then some.

My family tries to support me but being fit and healthy they can't truly understand the battle I am fighting. In their minds if I went for a walk today then an ice cream tonight is ok. They don't understand my body doesn't metabolize the tiny treat as theirs does.

There isn't really anyplace close to home I can't meet up with people and get the support I need so I came back here to Spark where I did so well before with the support and understanding of others like me.

When I look into the mirror I don't know the woman standing before me. She is a stranger to me. I know somewhere deep inside her is the real me. The healthy me that takes care of herself and wants to be happy and healthy and be here for her family.

I know it will be a long, hard journey but it's one I know I have to take on. I have to find myself.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KOOKYCRUMZ 6/19/2013 7:47PM

    Thanks NIKI That means a lot to me. I wish you well on yours also.

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**NIKI77** 6/19/2013 9:23AM

    I've just come back after several years away from Spark. I did really well while I was here, but have gained all that plus another 25 pounds. Sigh.... I read your story and I felt a connection to it. What you said are a lot of the same things that I feel. I wish you well on your journey...you deserve it!!! emoticon

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LATTELEE 6/19/2013 12:17AM


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I didn't just fall off the wagon..I laid there as it backed up and ran over me again!

Monday, October 24, 2011

They say when you fall back into your old bad habits that you have fallen off the wagon. Well let me tell ya, I didn't just fall off the wagon I also just laid there as it backed up and ran over me again!

I have blogged before about family issues and stress levels. I guess I just let them all get to me. (It happens from time to time.) This time it just seemed to hit me harder than usual and I didn't bounce back as I usually do.

I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until lately. My first wake up call was this past summer. I went bathing suit shopping with my daughter. I had to try on several before finding one I was happy with. (By happy with I mean one that I would still hide under my MONSTER t-shirt.) I knew I had put on a few pounds but hey I had a baby-right? Wrong! My "baby" was a year old. There was no excuse for me to still be putting on weight. I had to go up 4 sizes to find a swim suit I could squeeze into. I sat in the changing room and cried for 45 min straight.

A couple weeks later my husband and I had gone shopping. I saw him double take at another woman. Normally this doesn't bother me, he's human and people look at attractive people. It cut like a knife when he remarked that she was attractive but it's ok cause he loves me just the way I am. I know it came out wrong but ouch.

That same week we were grocery shopping and my hubby whispers to me I had split my pants. This is embarrassing enough in itself but the fact was it was the second pair that week. We went to get me some more and I had to not only go up two sizes but also by them in wide. Once again I left family members waiting outside the dressing room as I cried.

Recently I have had to go again and by bigger pants. This time I only bought one pair. My hubby thinks I have lost my mind. I told him I refuse to buy more than that because I will NOT be wearing them long. I also REFUSE to buy a bigger size again.

I have crawled my hefty behind back up on the wagon and have now taken the reigns! I am in control! I am driving this wagon! I am leading this adventure! Next stop...smallerville. It's just one of many stops on the way to Tiny Town. I may never make it to Tiny town and that's ok. I'm older and have my own health issues, BUT I will not settle for anything less than Happyville and I'm not there yet! It's a long, tough journey but I'm up for it. I ave my Spark Family to help me along the way.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAWADDELL 10/24/2011 1:43AM

    Yes you do have your Spark Family!! If it is any consolution my husband thinks I am nuts because I won't go buy new clothes that fit. At least not until I go down two pant sizes. You can do this, just have faith.


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Family isn't always by blood

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I was raised in a mixed family. By this I mean I was raised by my mother and step father. I also have 4 half brothers through my mom. I found my biological father 2 years ago and found that I have 2 half siblings through him. I hated hearing the words"step-child" as I was growing up. Even more I hated being treated different than the children born by blood into my stepfathers side of the family.

I found my biological father as I said. When I first met him and his new family I thought "I finally fit in. I finally belong." Well that didn't last long. His wife treated me as if I were his mistress not his daughter. She even went as far as demanding a DNA test. I was promised by my father he would put a stop to her mistreating me when he had the proof in black and white. Well, low and behold it came back 99.99%. Can't get any closer than that without cloning! Did it make her stop? Of course not, things got worse. I tried to let her rude remarks roll off my shoulder. I tried to over-look I could no longer call my father. I tried not to be hurt when the only time he could text is when he was at work. I even tried not to let it bother me when we have to email on an account she knew nothing about.

I told my hubby I didn't think this was fair. I didn't get to know him for 33 years of my life and always thought it was because my mother took me and moved away. I told him I was beginning to doubt my dad ever really looked for me. He agreed that the way I was having to communicate with my dad wasn't right and maybe I should talk to them about it.

I tried talking to my step mom but that was a horrible idea. She was never at fault it was always me or him that was in the wrong. I tried talking to my dad and then he turns the whole thing around on me. Saying I had given up on him and that I wasn't trying. WHAT?!?!?!? I wasn' t trying? He couldn't put his foot down and say "this is my daughter. You don't have to like her but at least respect her as she does you. Do not make remarks about her mother in front of her since you do not know the mother. And please do not disrespect her and try to fight in front of the children." Instead he tells me I should just not let it get to me. I should learn to get along. Ok, I do not go or stay where I do not feel welcome. I also do not invite people that make me that way into my home.

I decided to just step back and let her have him all to herself. Does this hurt? Yes. Out of 36 years of my l life I only got to know my dad for 2 and I didn't get to know much because the warden wouldn't let him be himself around me and my family.

I am married now with children and step children of my own. Only thing is at my house my hubby and I will tell you there are no steps. No step- fathers, step-mothers, step-brothers, step-sisters, and there are no half-siblings. We are a family. A whole family. A complete family. My children can all tell you the only steps at our house either get you up on our porch or to the second level of the house.

All the step-mother drama has been recent and those who know me know I was raised in a house with a step-father that didn't want me around. Honestly it has all been very stressful on me lately. My hubby reminded me that he and my children were my family now and are always here for me and love me and want me around. I have had several of my fathers side contact me and ask me to keep in touch with them because they consider me family even if my father is letting his wife keep us apart. Then I got a message from a spark friend asking how I was and I thought and there is my other family. They are always here for me and supportive and listen when I need an ear.

So, as I said family isn't always by blood. Family are the people who love you and care for you and are always there for you.



The Month After Christmas!

Thursday, January 27, 2011


'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste at the holiday parties had gone to my waste.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; the gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, the wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, and the way I'd never say "No, thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt and prepared once again to do battle with dirt--I said to myself as I only I can, "You can't go spend all winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and every chip. Every last bit of food that I like must be vanished till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread or pie, I'll munch on a carrot or quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--but isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCOOBYLOVE 1/27/2011 10:19PM

    I had never ever heard or read this before & it brought such a smile to my face! Hilarious! Thanks for the post :) Good Luck on your healthy ways emoticon

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I'm back and ready for action!!!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I had recently given up on myself. I had lost a close friend, was dealing with some family drama ( I always get dragged into the middle of things that I feel do not concern me), gained even more weight, and have been dealing with nightmares (more like flashbacks in my sleep) of abuse I suffered in the past.

I had convinced myself that maybe all this just wasn't worth it. I was falling into a state of depression and headed no where fast.

Then I was watching my family the other night. My hubby playing with the baby after work, my daughter doing her nails and from downstairs I could hear the clink of the weight bench as my son worked out. I knew I was blessed with a wonderful family. Then my cell phone went off, it was my son asking if I had time to spot him with the heavier weights. I went down and helped him. We usually use this time as us time. He and I talk alot while he works out and I find out things he's going through that he otherwise doesn't tell me. When he finished he said "ok your turn". I thought he had lost his mind. He laughed and told me he would help me if I wanted to start using the weights because he knew I was looking for support from the family. He reminded me that he works out every night and I could join him at any time and he could be my battle buddy.

I went to sleep thinking about that. When I awoke I told myself "It's a brand new day and I'm gonna start it in a whole new way!"

So, yes now I am back and rip roaring ready to go! (again lol) emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCOOBYLOVE 1/27/2011 10:07PM

    This is the sweetest story I've read today. You are a VERY blessed woman to have such a great family...and even more a son that is so caring. Good Luck & I know that you can do anything you put your mind to...especially with the help of such a loving family.

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