KYLAR_STERN   22,233
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Window of opportunity during a bad month

Thursday, August 08, 2013

So, for some reason I'm feeling in a good mood now. First time in about 3 weeks I haven't felt honestly depressed so I figure I should use this little two hour window to write something up.

I know what started the downhill spiral, had some revelations about how I just never seen to make close friends. I'm always looking forward to the next thing in life, because the present always sucks for me relationship wise. Realized I'd been fooling myself with a false optimization for the past two years. That feeling absolutely sucked.

Now couple that with a job so boring it's absolutely frustrating, no one to talk to in the office for distractions, and a person with a binging problem surrounded by free food. I'm up 26 pounds in the past 19 days. No joke. I only have one pair of pants that still fit, and they are the ones that used to literally fall off without a belt and now they are uncomfortably tight. I got pissed that I was going to have to lose the weight again for a third time, and I just kept eating.

So sparring you all the details because I have to do laundry for the first time in over two weeks, I have to somehow get through this last shi*ty week and then hopefully things will somehow go better for me once I go back to school again.

Last time I went back, I was the new, improved, "jacked" (as my friends put it) Shane. Now I can be the self depreciating funny guy who'll blame a 20 pounds spare tire on too much Wisconsin beer and cheese curds. Heck, I might enjoy this more since obviously my last round didn't go anything like I thought.

Just have to survive this next full week. I've been in a dark place the last few weeks. Basically since I binged 2 days after my last blog about how good I was doing. One night binge isn't the end of the world, but I've been binging and depression eating for the past 3 weeks solid. Only thing that has held me together is a couple amazing people I met here on Spark. You know who you are. You're the only thing that kept me from only going slightly insane, rather than full out.

I'll lose as much of this fat as I can by Oct. 31st. That's my cutoff date, even if I haven't gotten it back to where I want it. Then I'm eating to build muscle regardless. I want to do that so bad. I'm doing that no matter how overweight I am this winter. I'll cut again in the spring

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JADOMB 9/15/2013 2:29PM

    Sorry to hear that. I know the feeling about not having friends to talk to. Since I retired and all my family is in other states, I've pretty much become a recluse. You guys and my friends on FB are about my only real interaction. All of this can make it difficult to do what you know is best for you, I know. My only true saving grace has been my faith in Jesus. I lean on him a lot.

You know how and what to do to lose and maintain weight, so I know you can get back on track. You just have to believe in yourself and learn how NOT to need others. When the time comes that you have others to talk with and such, that's just the icing on the low cal cake. ;-) But if you ever need to talk, I'll always be here for you young man.

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CLRWILLIAMS25 8/12/2013 12:29PM

    I second SONICB's comment- I totally thought your name was Kylar the entire time!

The realization that you don't have a lot of close friends is a tough one (I had me terrible epiphany when deciding on the guest list for our wedding...). Instead of seeing it as a negative, look it from another angle and put more effort into the relationships that you do have.
Now is also the perfect time to go out and meet new people. Does your school have an adventure program? Mine did, and they would go on canoe trips, camping, rafting, hiking etc. Great way to meet like-minded people. You could also look into rec-league kickball or soccer or something. As long as you go light on the drinks afterwards, it's a pretty decent workout.
Stay strong!

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    Surround yourself with healthy food and healthy people. Are there any team sports you like that you could join a team? It's a great way to meet people.

Take it one meal at a time Kylar, you are strong, you can do it!

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_MOBII_ 8/9/2013 2:44PM

    I can totally commiserate with you on the depression. It sucks. It's not fair. And it just SUCKS.
I am glad to see that you are out the other side of the down slide and working towards your goal again.

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LAURASDAD 8/9/2013 7:08AM

    The ability to be honest with yourself is one of your greatest strengths (as I see it anyway).
Your posts are inspiring because they are GENUINE - you don't try to BS yourself or those of us that share your struggle.
Stay strong brother.

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SONICB 8/8/2013 10:58PM

    Wait, your name is Shane? I totally thought it was Kylar this whole time, hahaha!

And you'll do great! Best of luck, keep pushing!

Wish I had some advice on making friends, but all I can think of is to just go out there and force yourself to meet new people! (Really helpful, right? -__-) Some other people I know have found success in joining climbing gyms and going regularly, and that became their core group of friends.

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    I believe you can do it. I like that you've made yourself a date that you want to accomplish your goal by. You are still the person that lost all that extra weight before, just need to keep your motivation up. Sometimes I have to go back to my journals (food and blogs) when I was doing things right to jump start me. Back when we met in my post about protein bars, You inspired me to try harder, and to be cautious of what I put in my body "healthy or not" hopefully I can return the favor someday.

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DEJAMQ 8/8/2013 8:41PM

    emoticon emoticon

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Easy weekend. Scale agrees. Now what?

Monday, July 15, 2013

So I had a recent backslide with binging. Then last weekend I fought down the urge and didn't binge at all. Then this weekend, I was never even tempted to. It was awesome. I'm feeling great, mentally at the right place with my eating, and the scale all of a sudden decided to be super nice. Shed 4 pounds out of nowhere, and didn't put them back on even when I decided to get an actual, greasy hamburger after our fun trip to the waterpark (skipped the fries) I'm curious what it'll say tomorrow morning since I lifted today and over hydrated as I like to do. It'll be a more fair guess, sun may have been what took a lot of weight out of me.

So I'm feeling really good now, liking the way the mirror looks (almost back to that awesome pic of me in my gallery. I was only that cut for like 2 flukey weeks), and wondering if I should switch back to maintenance. I think what did it for me was seeing the scrawny guys at the waterpark. I have been planning on putting some serious muscle on once summer ends, but until then I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Eating at a caloric deficit doesn't bother me at all, even eating out I would rather under eat and eat something healthy than the typical food because I just feel better physically after.

Right now, I've got some fattier recipes I'm batch cooking for the week that are gonna be delicious, I just didn't want to do them right before the water park. I think I'll do that this week, lift even harder, and then reevaluate again next week. Possibly changing up my lifting routine? Right now I'm going 3 days a week and doing a hard full body each day. Maybe a 4 day push/pull, or 5/3/1 will be more appropriate if I do decide to start eating 2500 cals

Binging monster back in it's cage. Also, in the next blog, I may describe this little point system I started using to both moderate my weekends and force me to have little cheat snacks during the week. Numbers comfort me (I'm an engineer) and this spreadsheet with scores is kinda nice and fun.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_MOBII_ 7/23/2013 3:37PM

    I am glad you got that binge monster locked away! Congrats on your four pound loss as well!

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MANDIETERRIER1 7/17/2013 12:33PM

    Hang in there and don't give up. I have trouble with binging and I am reading a book called, "Stop Eating Your Heart Out" It is very good. I haven't binged since I started reading it.

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Survived a tough weekend

Monday, July 08, 2013

So after two bad weekends with both overeating in social settings and closet binging, I finally got my eating monster wrestled back in its cage. This weekend was frustrating for other reasons than normal little weekend vacations, it wasn't an overabundance of food avaible that was the problem, it's that there wasn't any available and what was, wasn't healthy.

I visited my friends back in college for a fun 4th of July weekend and if I had to sum up their eating habits it would be: skip breakfast: eat some chips for lunch: then maybe a sandwhich or fast food for dinner. Do this for 2-3 days, then order some cheap pizza deal and eat everything. Weekly, I bet their calories come out pretty close to even, but I just felt like crap trying to deal with that and having no transportation to go out for something. I mean, "dinner" for me one night was oatmeal with a scoop of protein powder because that was all they had around, and I didn't feel like eating ramen with a chopped up hotdog. Their idea of a nice cooked meal (They were actually proud of this) was 1lb of pasta with a bottle of cream, butter/vegetable oil sauted onion, and 6 oz of lunch meat spread out over 4 people for the sauce. So basically tons of white carbs, way too much fat, and virtually no protein.

Weirdest thing was, I never once felt that stomach rumbling hunger, even tho I certainly wasn't eating enough. I just felt my energy absolutely gone during the day. I can't believe I used to feel like that all the time. I always used to attribute that to lack of sleep, but now I realise it was 90% proper nutrition.

Then, there were nights we'd come back from the bar and I would actually be hungry and minorly frustrated because I wasn't able to see a bunch of people I wanted. This would have normally been an absolute trigger for my binging and the crap around the house would have been exactly what I'd go for. There was even ice cream in the freezer.

I succeeded tho in just reminding myself of how frustrated I was about my last two weekends and needed to break the cycle NOW, I was able too. Except for the night camping on the beach (which was the only night I actually got a bit drunk, another win) where I had an extra s'more and munched quite a bit on the materials for those delicious bad boys, I didn't really overeat anything. Why was I the one with the supplies on my lap to put the graham cracker and reese's on everyone's marshmallow? haha.

I did graze ever so slightly on stuff. I still need to break that habit, but I get stupid around food I don't normally eat and it's like I want to try it to see if I would like buying it and having it around, even tho I know it's far to sugary for me to actually eat on my own. Stuff like the dark chocolate blueberries I would actually buy I think, they were so good. But why do I feel the need to grab a single, even small, handful of oven fries, potato chips, chewy bars, cheeze its, ect.

But that's a minor thing to work on, and I think having the weekend be so tough made it possible for me to actually not binge. I was rewarded this morning by having my weight down 5 pounds from when I left last Thurs, and only a pound up from where I was before my double binge weekends. Although with the under eating and unhealthy food at that, I definitely noticed a bit of a backslide in the weight room this morning.

Now I'm going to be perfect this week and absolutely love it. Water park this weekend and maybe I'll even like the way I look in the pictures. Not in as good of shape as I've been, but I at least think I lost the bloat finally. Gonna be shallow and do some actual ab exercises this week *hangs head in joking shame

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LAURASDAD 7/9/2013 6:37AM

    I think there may be a writer lurking inside the athlete. Your posts are always engaging and insightful.
Finding fellow travelers along the path is not always easy and when I think back to the first time I lost 100 pounds, I remember having to forego a lot of what I believed to be essential. I didn't eat out or go to bars for many months while I tamed my own beast and, even after it was under control, I would not tempt myself with cocktails (which got very boring after a while - I was always the designated driver).
I admire the way you keep plugging away and tap into the wisdom to see where you've sabotaged yourself.

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HOOKEMBABY422 7/8/2013 8:57PM

    Just think, you're already way ahead of the game (and your friends) by starting your healthy lifestyle now rather than later! You're doing great; weekends are hard for me too, since there is less structure for me during the weekend.

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HFAYE81 7/8/2013 3:32PM

    emoticon Just look how far you've come. This is barely a set back.

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CLRWILLIAMS25 7/8/2013 3:21PM

    Definitely a bummer that your friends don't follow the healthy lifestyle that you've been following. At least you know for next time that you'll need to make a trip to the grocery store before you get there to make sure there's some nutritious food available to eat.
I love s'mores with Reese's cups! It takes the awesome melty-ness to a new level.

emoticon for stopping a binge before it started!

Also, nothing shallow about doing some ab exercises. I did 10 minutes of core exercises every morning when I was at the beach and also did 100 reps before I put my swimsuit on. Shallow? Maybe, but I feel like it helped emoticon

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_MOBII_ 7/8/2013 12:29PM

    Aw, don't hang your did the best you could with what you had to work with! You did a great job pulling yourself out of the binge mode of the last couple of weekends AND on a holiday weekend to boot!

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Back to Back bad weekends

Monday, July 01, 2013

I don't mind making mistakes. I really don't. It's when I don't learn from these mistakes that I get frustrated with myself. I went home for the weekend to see a friend who had a week of leave from the Marines and had one night that was eerily similar to my monster binges (just smaller), a day of all around overeating, and then a last of I just don't care anymore.

If it's not an amount I'd be comfortable eating over a 2 week stretch, why do I suddenly think it's ok to eat that amount in a single night? When I'm eating right and at 1600 calories and even a little hungry, I would never eat a peanut butter brownie or ice cream bar, yet when I'm going off I can't stop myself from eating those, and multiple of them. When I'm already at 3 or 4 thousand calories, it's like I think eating anything more just doesn't count or something so I keep going

That was the first night. I just raided the fridge at home after everyone was in bed. 2nd day, the Marine and our hockey mom came over and we had a HUGE brunch which was so much fun. Even tho I was full and bloated from the night before I was still able to eat and enjoy the copious amount of eggs, sausage, bacon, hashbrowns and other amazing breakfast food all around. Even had bloody marys, mimosas, and Irish coffee going all morning. It was so much fun and I don't mind cheat meals like that at all.

But then in the afternoon, it was like I couldn't deal with becoming un-uncomfortably full and I kept grabbing more rhubarb muffins and peanutbutter/chocolate bars. I was still super full from doing that all day when I went over to his place and a bunch of us from highschool got together to grill burgers, drink beer, and catch up. I was almost so full and uncomfortable I couldn't enjoy myself, but that didn't stop me from continuing to nom on the trail mix around the fire.

Now it was Sunday and I hurt in the morning. Mentally, I told myself I would do a 24 hour fast to drain myself. Well I failed there and then just gave up everything. There were rhubarb, banana, and pumpkin breads out after church and I just said "screw it" and had those with coffee fellowship. Then at home before I drove back, my parents reheated the bit of leftovers we had. I could have easily just picked at this, it wasn't a big deal, but I ate two more heaping plates.

This morning, I was a solid 10 pounds heavier. But that's not the big thing. The whole point of eating right is to feel better, and I definitely did not feel better by overeating and binging on that food. Before last weekend, I had gone over a month without having anything horrible happen, then I had that bit of a backslide, and then I just completey failed this weekend.

I just have to make sure I finally learned my lesson this time around. I need to find a way to again enjoy stuff in moderation in social settings. With sweets, it's like I have no problem eating 1, being done and being proud of myself. But I feel like I deprived myself and this feeling builds over multiple occasions until I snap. But if I have 2, I'm gonna have 10. I need to make a consious effort to learn to have 2-3 different treats and then be able to stop. I also need to find a way to just nibble on copious amounts of food when it's all around (like that brunch) and then also not continue to eat afterwords.

Maybe this was a good thing. I'm heading for a little vacation over the long 4th of July weekend and I don't think there's any chance of me pigging out anymore with regular food. I'll probably go into my traveling for work mode and be fine. I just NEED to not graze and snack on junk after getting back from drinking at the bars. That habit of mine cannot exist anymore, and I think this upcoming weekend will be my chance to finally kill it.

Up at least 6 legitimate pounds tho... So much for switching back to maintenance after the 4th like I had planned when I had that good month.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANOE10 7/1/2013 1:37PM

    The more you plan ahead the better. Try to think of healthy snacks when you will be in the mood for snacking. For me, I find if I stay away from sugary sweets, I have better control.

Good luck on the fourth weekend. I hope you overcome that habit that you want to get rid of.


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CLRWILLIAMS25 7/1/2013 12:27PM

    I wish there were some magical switch in our brains where we could turn off after we eat a treat! I totally agree that 1 treat works, but you do build a resentment after awhile. I've tried having 2-3, but end up going way overboard.
I hope you find some sort of solution to this that works for you. And if/when you do, share it with the rest of us :)

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Lost a battle- Emotional binge

Monday, June 24, 2013

I lost a battle this weekend. Thatís how Iím gonna have to think of this to keep myself from getting discouraged. I had been doing so well, as good as could be hoped while staying sane and enjoying a lot social events with friends which involved food, plus traveling for work. Then I go and mess up big time.

Hereís what my weight has looked like since my horrible bout of 3 weeks of binging. I weigh myself every morning I can and ignore the little fluctuations. Then at the end of the week I take an average and record that and use this value for seeing trends.

Itíd been going great, the bloat took forever to come off, but now I was close to where I wanted to be and getting some nice, slow fat loss. Itís gonna peak up again and take another 2 weeks now.

It wasnít an all out binge like I have struggled with in the past. This one was actually a case of emotional eating, which is a more common problem so at least its more normal. Long story short, I was basically begged by a girl to come down with the group for a baseball game and hit the bars the night before with them. It took a lot of last minute maneuvering to get tickets and find a place to stay with a friend, but I made it down the 100 miles for the weekend. Then all of a sudden she completely stops texting me and Iím not able to find that group downtown. Still had a good night with my one friend, but not near what I hoped.

Driving back and not drunk per say, just a handful of drinks, I just wanted to snack on sweet stuff at my friendís house. Thatís all I wanted was to eat in frustration. This was like premeditated or something. We get back and he even says we should eat something so together we killed half a bag of doritos, but that wasnít enough to stop me sadly. He crashed out and I went upstairs to ďbrush my teeth.Ē

So even with traveling all that week and the extra calories of the alcohol, my overall weekly report showed 1876 calories eaten (last 2 days of travel I was exhausted and had 0 appetite. Even skipped a meal in there) with a combined BMR and burned of 2214 so a beautiful deficit of 338 per day which I am perfectly fine with at this stage.

Then I just snacked in frustration on the stuff my buddy had around and I feel so bad. Going from memory, I think I ended up consuming 2 ice cream bars, 10 fig newtons, 3 cookies, about 6T of the various nut butters with crackers to sample them, 2 fiber one bars, two big spoonfuls of this lemon frosting stuff and an ice cream cone.

Putting that back into the tracker, it moves my weekly average of calories all the way up to 2378 to show how one bad hour can kill an entire weekís worth of hard work. Then the next morning, I still had a sugar rush going and I wasnít able to stop myself from grazing on the fig newtonís he got out for breakfast, or the doughnut holes the family heís living with brought home.

I was feeling off and unhappy with myself of course, but this was different than my normal binging reason of simply wanting to stuff my face. I know what I listed sounds like a lot of calories (like, 3,500) but it was far less than Iíd done in the past. If I was on my own, a run first thing in the morning would have sounded great and then I would have been fine but we had stuff to do and I couldnít get the opportunity. Whole morning, junk food looked good. Billboards and all that. We went to burger king for lunch and I felt that a regular cheat meal was what I needed to finish this and it actually worked to end the madness. Got an actual whopper with sweet potato fries (very, very good I might add) and a small cone.

So, Iím just trying to go forward from here. I was so close to accomplishing my goal of getting back to a weight were Iím within cutting range of a weight Iím comfortable fighting at and then I go and mess up. I actually know what happened on this one tho and itís the kind of problem a normal person could potentially have so I just need to look at this as one major battle lost, after Iíve been highly successful for about a month tho. Just gonna take a week for the bloat, then another week maybe to get the fat loss back down since I donít eat 100% perfect like I did last summer. Disappointed and frustrated with myself for this, but not pissed.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AM_MORRIS87 6/26/2013 7:56PM

    I swear it's like we always lose it at the same time, lol! Not that I'm happy at all to see you were struggling and had a breakdown, but it does help me to know I'm not totally alone. At the end of the day, you've come SO far, and you should of course be proud of that. I always have to remind myself that every fitness competitor, athlete, etc., has bad days, or even bad weeks. But the important thing is that they get back on track. This isn't a phase or a brief period, this is life. A long journey called life. When I eff up and hate myself and beat myself up, I remind myself that this isn't a contest or a race. There are going to be times where I'm not "perfect" but we both know that we are both so much better off than where we were. A few pounds or bloat or not, you are healthy. You have completely changed your habits and your lifestyle, so there's no way you're going to go back to your old self or let yourself get back to that point. So, in short, I'm sorry to hear about the bad night. I know how hard it is. But I have faith you will definitely get back on track. :)

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MLDRLD 6/24/2013 11:16AM

    O.K., so you blew it! You're right to question what led to your food binges, what you could have done differently, how you might have prepared for the trip differently. The main thing is to learn from this experience, keep looking at what you've been doing right for so long, then move on.

Today's a new day; a new beginning! Sometimes it takes longer to get to our goal that we had planned, but the thing is to pick ourselves back up after a fall, and keep moving forward. You can do it! emoticon

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KANOE10 6/24/2013 11:14AM

    I keep telling myself that progress is what is important, not perfection. We all fall off of the wagon and need to regroup our energies and get back on track. You have been so successful in maintaining. Today is a new day and you will do well. I am sorry that girl was so rude. She is not a friend.


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