Sunday, July 27, 2014
To many people I am not what I seem. They see a fat person and first thoughts are you need to lose weight. Well duh...don't you think I've tried? You don't know a thing about me but you rush to judge me on a three second look at. I smile and keep walking, all the time knowing what that scowl on your face is saying...you're disgusted by my presence. Well, suck it up buttercup because I'm not a size zero doesn't mean I'm not a worthy person. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings. You can't begin to know my struggles and my victories. You don't even care to find out my story: that I've lost over 65 pounds so far, or that when I started this journey with SparkPeople that I could barely walk out that front door to my car. No! You don't care. You sit on your high horse and judge me for what you see if all my fault because I can't keep food out of my mouth, in your opinion.
I'm sure many people have felt this way at some time or another. I still feel like that at times only now, I ignore them unless they keep staring and then I enlighten them as if they care. Sometimes I keep walking. The important thing is NOT to let them make you feel worthless and bad. YOU'RE NOT! God made you. He loves you and that's the most important thing. Now you need to find your self love. Okay, I realize that's the really really really difficult part sometimes, okay most of the time. I'm still working on it. I have good days and I have bad days but I try my darnest not to let those bad days bring me down.
Also many people of all sizes can relate to this, getting the once over if you have an "invisible" illness than causes a disability. I know I can relate all too well. I have asthma. I have fibromyalgia. I have moderate to severe arthritis in both hips and knees, plus just about every other joint in my body. I'm diabetic. All these diseases can cause major mobility problems in people of all sizes and shapes. Fortunately (knock on wood) no one has ever called the law on me for parking in a handicapped spot. I try not to on my good days because there are so many people who don't have good days that really need that spot. People are so sadly misinformed about medical issues its not funny. I've even got stared down when I take my 86 year old Aunt to a store and I'm getting her walker out of the trunk. Anyone caring to look longer would see this but no...they see me get out of a car and go to the trunk, not paying attention to the whole picture.
As a result of all this bias and rudeness I've really been pushed to be more helpful to others. I'm sure some of you know how it feels to be going into a store behind an able bodied person and if you're using a walker, wheelchair, cane, or crutches, how it feels to basically get the door slammed in your face. Not a pleasant experience. Or if you've been a caretaker of someone you've probably experienced that too. Yet out of the blue here will come some amazing person and do everything they can to assist you, not being judgemental but acting out of pure kindness and love. I want to be more like them, opening doors and asking if I can help someone when I see their distress. I don't want to be invisible.
I hope that anyone that has experienced people and actions like this isn't destroyed. A lot of people with these problems also suffer from depression and anything they feel is bad or makes them feel bad or worthless can all but destroy a person. I suffer from bi-polar depression and until I got help I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I didn't care about living. I didn't care what I was doing to myself. I was hated, worthless and not even worth the time of day to so many people. I didn't want to leave the house ever again. It took some time for my current therapist and psychiatrist to work through all my past issues and come up with the final diagnosis but they did. I"m on medication to manage it - I still get depressed and have those days where you look at me and I bust out in tears. I still get overwhelmed by things but I manage and if I'm having problems I can talk to my therapist, whom I see every 4-6 weeks for the most part. That works generally, if I"m having difficulty we change the time frame. I take the meds because I can't deal with all these "bad" emotions constantly battling inside. There is hope. No medication is perfect, not all are something I would take nor would I recommend someone take. It's an individual decision. You have to do what is right for you. I chose to live again and slowly I'm doing just that. I also pray a lot! Some days it's like a runny conversation with God and my Angels. My Guardian Angel works overtime with me being such a klutz and accident prone but God and the Angels look out for me and for you too.
Part of my Not being Invisible anymore self has decided, hey, it's time to take care of myself. The other night I was kind of meditating and decided to take better care of myself. A week of tomorrow I'm hopefully getting my new glasses. They're definitely different from what I've had for the past (I don't know how many years). So right now, I'm on hold with the losing weight because I'm trying to figure out my new ideas and thoughts. Trying to develop the bigger picture. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop - oh no, I have too much more to lose. Since I'll be going on vacation in a few weeks (yes yes! My brother's coming to get me Labor Day weekend and then on the 12th of September we're all headed to Florida for two weeks on the beach). I foresee lots and lots of walking with my best friend, Rhonda too!
When I return I"ll get my new plan in place and start - worst time of year too but I take that in to consideration because I bake so much between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year. I'll be working on a new work out plan, new weight loss goals - short & long term, coming up with a new me.
So do you want to be invisible? Or do you want to live your life to the best of your abilities NOW? I want to live life to the fullest and have fun. As I've found out we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. I was lucky to get another chance to live. I plan to live my life, explore new things, do new things, and learn new things. After having that major concussion, learning is a little harder than it used to because of short term memory damage but that doesn't stop me. So, who wants to live and enjoy life to the fullest with me? Are you game? Step on up and join me and we can make our world a better one and maybe even help someone else in the process.
Sending you all Love & bunches of hugs!