LANABYTE   20,140
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LANABYTE's Recent Blog Entries

Having a great week & so PROUD of myself

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Well, this week didn't start off very well. Trouble with my Invisalign left me feeling miserable and I really didn't feel like doing anything. Then Tuesday our modem died, so we didn't have internet for 3 days. That led to me not tracking my food, though I was still conscious about what I ate (for the most part). I was sure that this week was a bust. But I didn't give up.

Thursday, I went to my second ever Zumba class and left feeling so much better. I didn't notice my teeth ache at all, and I felt my motivation coming back. I am so addicted to Zumba now that I have been wanting to go back to class every day since, lol!

But the best part of the week is today. Two years ago I bought a treadmill. I was so excited when I got it, but the belt started going off track and after countless hours trying, I couldn't figure out how to fix it. So I gave up and it's been a shelf ever since. I even thought about giving it away when I moved, but couldn't make myself give away something that cost over $400. Thank goodness I didn't!!

Reading the spark forums today, I got reinspired. I googled how to do it and gave it one more try. Something clicked in my mind this time, and I understood. Now my treadmill works again! I'm soooo super excited. I even went 2 miles on it and my new heart rate monitor (Polar FT4 which I LOVE) said I burned 430 calories. That puts me at 860 calories burned this which means I reached my weekly calories burned goal of 800.

And the cherry on top is when I weighed in this morning I finally reached my first minigoal of 169 lbs. Oh and yesterday I did 90 situps and 60 modified pushups. WOW! I'm feeling so great. Just goes to show how it's never too late to turn a bad week around. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYZENIN10 4/7/2012 8:42PM

    Good for you! I'm excited for you; your tenacity has re-motivated me! emoticon

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"Hey, Fat & Ugly!"

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I felt proud of myself yesterday. My boss and coworkers ordered pizza for lunch. I said "no, thank you. I have a salad." When my boss asked if I was sure, I told him I was, plus tomorrow (today) was weigh-in. He is a very sweet, albeit curious old man, and I don't mind talking about my weight, so when he asked how much I weighed now and how much I wanted to lose, I told him. One of my coworkers laughed and said "You'll be sorry you told him that" (he likes to joke around and mess with people sometimes, but not in a mean way) to which I replied "Nothing anyone could say could top what I've already heard from people. And that triggered a memory.

A few months before I came back to Sparkpeople in 2008, I had quit my previous job. It was a job I hated. I worked in food service. It was not a professional work environment by any stretch of the imagination and more resembled a middle school when it came to people's actions and behavior. It didn't bother me too much at first because that's just how it was, and I was happy to have "friends" and it was alot of fun sometimes. But then problems with one of my coworkers started, but that's another story.

Back on topic, one thing that really REALLY bothered me was that one of the directors I worked for would always call me names. At first it was "Rotunda" then when he really wanted to be mean he'd call me "Fat & Ugly". It was humiliating especially since he always did it in front of everyone else in the office or kitchen. But I would just ignore him and console myself by grabbing something off the line to eat, then I'd start feeling bad about myself.

I knew I was overweight. Hell, everyone in that department was. And I knew I wasn't pretty. But it still hurt. My whole life had revolved around hiding in a corner and being ignored. But he kept bringing it to light. Complaining to higher-ups would do no good. He was a great director who worked for cheap, and that was the most important thing in the world to them. The philosophy in that place was - if you don't like it here, leave.

So I left. That wasn't the reason I started using SP or losing weight. In fact, I suppressed the memory for years until yesterday.

I think that if any of them ever saw me now, they'd never recognize me. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANDREWS_MOM 3/10/2012 11:09AM

    I am so sorry that you were treated like that. No one has the right to demean someone else- nonetheless at work. They are sure lucky that you didn't decide to take it to the courts. That is certainly harrassment, in a very very cruel form.
I am so happy that you are out of that place and hoping your new employment is a much better atmosphere.
And, don't ever say or think you're not pretty!! The pictures you have posted on your page- both before & after are of a beautiful woman!! emoticon
Wishing you the absolute very best on your journey and a great weekend!!
emoticon emoticon

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HELPLESSD 3/10/2012 11:02AM

    Good for you for realizing you were in a toxic environment, both mentally and physically, and doing something about it. I know everyone always says that people just bully others because they themselves are insecure, but when you are the one being called names and feeling hurt that doesn't ever seem to make a difference!
Here's hoping that your new employment has people who respect you and are there to encourage rather then try to destroy you!

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Letter to Myself

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Dear Self,

I have some things to say to you, and I'm afraid they're not going to be very nice. For far too long I have allowed your convoluted fear of embarrassment prevent me from being myself. I've allowed you to convince me that I prefer to be lazy, sit in front of the computer or TV, and to eat unhealthy food.

Well the truth is that's not true! I am NOT that person. I like being active and healthy. I like the slight soreness I get after strength training or being a bit out of breath after cardio. I LOVE to run and dance. I wanted to run cross country in high school. I think it would be fun to join a zumba class. I really want to join the that conditioning/kickboxing class at the local MMA gym. THIS is who i really AM.

So I'm afraid this charade is over. I am no longer going to allow you to make me think I'm the ugly, stupid, fat, lazy person who has to change who she is just to feel better about myself. All I have to change is how I allow you to speak to me. And from now on, talk to me positively or forever hold your peace.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAMSUNNYHOWARD 3/15/2012 12:26PM

  I can't tell you how inspiring your blog posts have been to me- I read everyone and feel like I know you.

I have been fluttering on SP for a few years and never have DONE yet-
You definitely provided the kick in the pants I need.
Thank you so much!

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JSTHIESS 2/26/2012 9:45PM

    Excellent blog! I really like your attitude:) You go girl!

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My First 5k: A Survivors Tale

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Just a few months after I started losing weight, I decided that I wanted to run a 5k. Of course I had to learn to run first. And that was a long time coming. I was ecstatic when I ran my first mile and amazed when I ran 2.

But then winter came and I let myself make excuses. It was too cold outside, I said. And I do desperately hate the cold. I kept telling myself that I'd restart once it warmed up again, but alas that wasn't to happen.

While I didn't really gain any weight back (fluctuated a few pounds though), I suppose you could say I fell off the wagon. I wasn't tracking, wasn't exercising.

Then in May 2010 early registration started for the annual Charleston Distance Race. I walked the 10k last year and had planned on running the 5k this year. Deciding this was what I needed to kick myself into gear, I signed up. It was scheduled for September 4th. I had 4 months to get ready.

I did start running again, but couldn't keep doing my lunchtime runs because of the humidity. Evenings weren't much better, and I'm not a morning person. So I stopped running again after just a few weeks. I had barely gotten up to running 5 minutes straight. (90+ humidity and asthma are not a good combo.)

In June I got a treadmill. Used it once and then injured my knee (again). So a month later, I finally get on it again to use it... only to find out that the belt is messed up and can't be fixed by me (and I didn't get the extended warranty, nor did I register the limited warranty when I got it), SO....

With just a few weeks left, I'd decided that I'd have to skip the race this year. Then a few days later, I changed my mind. Instead, I forced myself to run 3 mornings a week. I ran/walked 3 miles each time. The Wednesday before the race I managed to run 2 miles, walk 1/2, then run the last 1/2. My time was 44 minutes. I was afraid of being last, but finally decided that it was ok if I was. The important part was just finishing.

So the morning of the race, I got up at 6am, got my stuff ready, ate some oatmeal, and tried to pee as often as possible (I'd heard the lines for the porta-potties are horrendous). I nearly forgot my knee brace (which I now wear every time I walk/run), but remembered it just before I left. Ipod-check. Sunglasses-check. Pee one last time-check. (Seriously, the lines WERE that horrendous.)

I got there 20 minutes before start. Lots of people were running up and down the sidewalk to warm up, but since I always walk to warm up, that's what I did. Then did my stretches, found the middle of the pack, and settled myself in. Just less than ten minutes to go. I worried that standing there would let me cool down after my warm up, so I followed the example of a guy in front of me and bounced a bit.

When the gun went off, I was not prepared. I had been, but it was taking so long that I started fidgeting with my Ipod, finding a good song (forgot to reprogram it beforehand). I had expected everyone to take off running, but everyone around me started doing this little running in place thing before starting to creep along. It was kind of funny, actually.

Four minutes in I started thinking "WTF am I doing?". I was tired already, and then realized I was subconsciously going faster whenever someone passed me (which was ALOT). I turned up my Ipod and blocked them all out, slowing to my comfortable pace. I'd mapped out the mile markers the day before, so I knew about where I wanted to be time-wise at each spot.

After a few more minutes I started doing better. Legs and lungs were both good. Sooner than I realized, I reached the first mile. My time was 12:20. I was still tired and struggled for a deep breath a few times, but was still good otherwise. At nearly 1.5 miles I saw a friend who's also a cop standing at an intersection. I waved, but he didn't even recognize me, lol!

There was also this couple running together just slightly in front of me and to the side. They'd start walking until I was nearly passing them, then start running again. There there was a lady who wasn't even running. She was powerwalking... and I mean faster than I was even running. Actually, faster than most people were running. There really weren't a whole lot of funny sights. The clown in a wheelchair that usually comes to all the races wasn't there today.

So anyway, mile 2 marker was right in front of my office. No one was there of course, but it made me feel good to make it that far. My time was right around 25, which put my second mile at about 13. Usually at this point in my training, I'd have to stop and walk for 1/2 mile, but I made myself keep going. I was fine, and there were no physical reason to walk, only mental. And I was determined to break that barrier. When my legs or lungs started to hurt, THAT's when I'd walk.

I also kept wanting to look behind me the entire race to see if I was last or not, but knew it would discourage me, so I refused to do it. Instead I just focused on what was ahead of me and which streets were coming up (that was how I measured distance left). It was at about 2.25 miles that I really started to feel good and confident. I was tired, but I was doing it, and it really looked like I was going to complete one of my subgoals, which was to run the entire race.

With just over half a mile to go, a guy who'd been running next to me for a few blocks said "I really want to walk right now." I laughed and said "Me too." We actually ran together the rest of the race and kept each other running, encouraging each other to not give up and walk. He was definitely the support and encouragement I needed during that last part. It was his first 5k too, and he said "I just want to finish."

Once we entered the field (you come in on the track of the football field and make a 3/4 lap), I told him "We're almost there!" I saw my mom up in the bleachers cheering, and that's when it finally sunk in that I actually did it. At the turn, I looked ahead and saw the time. 39:06. And I realized, "OMG I may just make my second subgoal!" which was to finish under 40. As I got closer, though, it seemed to clock went faster. I saw my subgoal slipping away, and with every last ounce of energy I could muster, I made myself run as fast as I could.

Crossing the finish line was the most amazing feeling. I slowed to a walk and made my way to the finishers area, and I was so dizzy and lightheaded. For a second I thought I was going to pass-out but it quickly passed. I looked around for my new friend to congratulate him, but never could find him again in the crowd.

Reflecting back, I have to admit that this was, physically, the hardest thing I've ever done. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not impossible either. Today, I broke out of my boundaries. I forced my body past its limits and have continued on my path of making a better one. But the biggest boundary I crossed today was the mental one. It's a wonderful feeling.

At the awards ceremony afterwards, I made sure to clap for everyone. Somehow I felt it was important. I got teary-eyed as the kids accepted their awards. One little girl was 8 years old. What a wonderful thing!

It makes me sad when I think of all those people who don't like to run (or at least exercise). I used to be like that. I'm taking a different path now. I think this one's much better.

Robert Frost once wrote:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

And he was absolutely right.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GAELENEC 9/5/2010 3:32PM

    The biggest battles I fight in running aren't against my body, they are against my "old" ways of thinking, that tell me I'm not strong enough, or fast enough, or coordinated enough.

You fought your own battle, and won! Good for you!

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LEXUSIASIS 9/5/2010 2:11AM

    You did something great and inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing. I needed this today! emoticon

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KSW1963 9/5/2010 1:07AM

    What a great accompishment! I felt like I was there with you. You did so great. Congrats! emoticon

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CONDZMOMOFJJQ 9/5/2010 12:14AM


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JMARIES51 9/4/2010 11:38PM


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Why is it so hard sometimes to give ourselves compliments?

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Today I bought my first pair of size 4 pants. They fit perfectly. Yet, my first thought when I buttoned them up was, this brand must run their sizes larger. And maybe they do. But why did I rob myself of that YAY! feeling? Why couldn't I revel in the thought that I've lost 7 pant sizes? I look in the mirror and still see a large person. I don't want to mention to people that I wear a size 4 or 6 cause I'm afraid they'll laugh and think "No way! She's too big to wear that small of a size."

Don't get me wrong, I know I've lost a lot and I'm VERY proud and happy for what I've done. I'm not obsessed with being tiny, and I'm certainly not trying for size 0 or 100 pounds. I just wish I saw what other people see when they look at me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINOVER 3/6/2010 9:52PM

    Congratulations on reaching a size 4. You have a right to be VERY HAPPY and PROUD for making it to this point. You've worked hard to get to this place.

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