Tuesday, April 01, 2014
I've been thinking a lot about how to motivate myself. It's severely lacking right now, and eating healthy more often than not seems like a constant battle, and also something that I'm scared of. I have been going out for lunch and dinners a lot with friends. I don't know why, I really shouldn't be, and I never used to this much. The instant I think about counting calories I know this has to end, well end in the sense that if I want to go out and eat I would really need to plan it out and I probably wouldn't get the appetizers and the burgers that I want. This isn't a justification to eat badly, it's just the reason that I think I haven't wanted to or been able to really settle in a routine. Some of my friends are going to back home after graduation- like CA and PA away, one not as far as the other, and I don't want to have to say no to the chance to hang out right now.
It's a new month though, and I really do know that I want to lose some weight before graduation, so I've been trying to come up with a solid plan on how to manage some weight loss. I have a 15K that I have to train for, especially because it's 39 days away, and I don't want to do it if I haven't trained because I did that with a Half and the injury I got from it was horrible. So I figure that with the nice weather will have me outside and running. I'm going to aim for running somewhere, outside, track, or gym, 3-4 days a week. If I do it all when I'm on campus I should be able to do 4 days a week. However, that would put my in the gym most days, but we'll see what happens
I've also decided that I'm going to gradually get back to tracking. My main aim is to work on eating more with health in mind. Like today, I made a salad for lunch, and brought a boathouse drink with me because I only had a banana when I left the house. Hopefully starting out slow will help me not fight against it as much.
Also I'm not going to say no to events. I have a few events I want to go participate in this month. They all involve food and drink, and I want to enjoy them. So I think my goal is to not go crazy at the events and to also make sure the time between the events is healthy. It will probably end up being like a cheat day, but I know if I'm not restricting myself from going to these things I'll hopefully already feel better about the entire thing.
Lastly, I'm going to stop thinking about the bigger picture. I get so wrapped up in it, and plan so far ahead that I just get disappointed or tired of waiting for things to happen for so long, so I'm going to take one day at a time, and just focus on eating and fitness for that day. I will have a vague plan for the week, but I'm not going beyond that because it hasn't worked in the past.
I am also giving up my scale for 3 weeks. I have decided that I've become to beholden to a number and that 3 weeks off just doing healthy habits is more important than if the number goes down. That being said I would like to lose 4-5 pounds this month, but whether I do or not is going to be a mystery I don't get the answer to for a bit.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Today I bought a new suit. It may seem like an innocuous statement, people buy new suits all the time when they need another, but for me itís more than a statement; it shows a journey that I have made over the last 4 years.
I got my first suit my for a Moot Court competition my junior year of college, I didnít end up going because I really sick with a cold, but my mom said it was a good investment anyway because you always should have one suit. The pants were a size 8 and the jacket a 10. I wore the suit a few my junior year and I had lost weight to the point that the pants were loose. That would be the lightest Iíve been in recent memory.
My senior year of college I wore the suit a few more times. Once again, for the Moot Court competition, which I did attend, and actually competed in, I think my partner and I finished 32nd or 30th. Considering we werenít planning on moving forward it was exciting. At that point the suit was snug, but still fit, though I wouldnít have wanted to wear it a whole day. Fast forward about 8 months past my 4 months in England, and the summer before law school.
My 1L year the suit didnít fit at all. The jacket kind of fit, but the pants didnít. I went to NY and Company and bought 3 pairs of dress pants, including a pair of black ones to use with the jacket. They were all size 10. By the middle of the semester even those were tight, and thatís when I first joined Sparkpeople. I didnít really do much with it until about March of 2012 though. The suit still didnít fit as a set, but the pants I had purchased werenít snug anymore so that was a plus.
2L was my year of weight loss. I went from about 165 down to about 152. Not only were the size 10 too lose, but I managed to fit into the suit. Only twice, but I was wearing the entire thing together. I will admit I could have worn it more, but the pants for the suit are lined and they are so hot in the summer, so I had pair of straight leg 8s that I preferred. I really thought my weight loss goals would continue, but then 3L year struck.
In August of this previous summer I was probably around 155. I was very happy with that and it seemed like it was only to be good news from there, but that didnít happen. I lost interest in eating healthy all the time. It was easier to buy lunch at school and to have my calorie-laden coffees when I was tired. I was also burned out exercise wise. I had been doing several mileage and ST challenges and they took a lot out of me on top of causing an injury. I tried to run, but didnít have the drive. I did a half marathon, and pulled a muscle, which didnít help anything because I needed 3 weeks to fully recover. I think the real tipping point was getting my wisdom teeth out. I had a medical justification for not eating wellÖ I physically couldnít for 4 days. I took it to the extreme and ran with it though. By November I was comfortablyÖ yes thatís sarcasm in the 160s again. I didnít like how I looked, but I wasnít doing anything to fix it.
December came, finals and the holidays/ birthday month and a half in my family. It did not end well. I canít tell you what I weighed then. It was less than I do now, but it was probably close to 170 at that point. This cycle continued and while I tried recommitting in the end of February it didnít stick as well as I hoped, and Iím once again back where I started.
So today, having to fully admit defeat on the suit front I had to go and buy a new one. Iím looking for jobs and will have interviews and I donít want to go in to one in mismatched and ill-fitting apparel. The pants are a size 14. Though all my jeans while tight remain at a 10 so Iím not sure if thatís because they are just stretched, or because suits run small. The jacket is also a 14. I donít have any problem with that. I honestly look at the jacket I did have and I donít know how I ever thought that it would fit over my chest, which is my big issue jacket wise. I weigh 175 pounds ish. I always wondered how people could gain weight so fast, and I really never expected it to happen to me, but looking back it was easy. Iíve had so much food out and lots that really would be close to 2 days worth of calories in one day.
That got me thinking as to why this happened. Sure some of it was the fact that I was burned out, but what was my actual trigger, we all have them, and we all talk about it all the time. Mine was definitely stress. I wouldnít say Iím stress eater. I donít go and crazy binge when Iím stressed. Instead I tend to make poor choices that are normally higher calorie. Iím still only eating 3 meals a day, but the decisions made during those meals are unwise. Also I snack a little more. Iím not a big snacker when Iím tracking religiously and working out. Whatís been stressing me out, sure school is busy, and two weeks ago it was very stressful, but 2 weeks doesnít account for 6 months, or 20 pounds. I think my triggers are underlying stress. Things that I constantly on my mind so that I donít even notice they are stressing me out. Trying to find a job, having to take the bar, money concerns, and my weight are never far in the background of my mind. I think these things act as my triggers, even though its not a one time thing or stressful week, the fact that Iím pretty much always thinking about them would certainly be stress and it has manifested itself in very unhealthy eating habits. Itís had me turning to comfort foods and the easy way out.
Buying a new suit marks a journey of success and failure. It shows where I started, where Iíve come and gone, and where Iíve ended up. Itís made me admit that Iíve lacked self-control and that Iím probably my own worse enemy right now. Itís shown just how easy it is to spin out of control. Itís also a lesson though. It made me really think about what my stressors are, and what my underlying issue was besides food. It shows that control is necessary in this journey, because when you lose it not only do you take a step backwards, but you also struggle to regain the control.
This suit though having many negatives is also a goal though. While I will probably never go down much in jacket size, I will most certainly go down in pant size if I work at it. This suit is a reminder of where Iíve restarted. Iím not looking for any miracles, I know they are unrealistic with weight loss, but Iím going to lose weight before graduation. This suit is a goal to get out of being comfortable in a size 14 pant. This suit also marks a new journey, one that is sure to have many stumbles along the way, but will hopefully show me finally hitting my ultimate goal, and have me once again saying that: Today I bought a new suit.
Monday, March 10, 2014
So in the month or so that I've last posted I've been so-so. Not perfect, but I've lost about 6 pounds and I've been more active than I was for the past 3 months. I'm starting to see the effects of eating healthy, and exercising again, and I like it. No longer am I afraid to look in the mirror, though I still don't love what I'm seeing I'm slowly getting more comfortable with it, and I can see small changes that make me happy. This past weekend has been rough though.
I had a very stressful 2 weeks with classes. I had something due 3-4 days a week each week and I had to keep up with all the work for other classes, and my gym time. It's funny. Gym time used to be the first thing that was cut. This time around I actually chanced it with an assignment because it was two days until I was done with everything, and running was the only thing keeping me sane at that point. So I went for an hour and said I'm better off doing this than that paper. Thankfully the paper didn't end up being handed in, and probably won't be until 2 weeks from now. I wouldn't normally put something like a run over school, but it was the right decision that day.
While I was busy I was pretty good about eating. I had one day where I lost it and just at everything in sight for dinner... there was an event at school, and it had free food, not only free but tasty yummy free, and I didn't have the will power I thought I did. But I did well past that. My issue is the after the stress... I don't know if reverse stress eating is the right term, but it's all I could think of. Sometimes I stress eat, but other times I don't. I'll stress and eat at the minimum of my calories, and exercise a lot because running has always helped me clear my mind and helped me sleep. After I hit the end of that stressful time though I become a bottomless pit. I can control about half of it. But the other half it's like my brain says "remember that burger you weren't letting us have when you were stressed... we're having it now instead, with fries". I'm not looking for a solution here, but I just wanted to put it out there that stress eating isn't always an issue, that you can have relief and de-stressed eating too. I think it's helpful to realize this in myself so that I may have one day where I just don't care, and do have what I want. Rather than trying to be healthy and controlled for 3 or 4 days and ending up being not so good for all of them. I also hope, though who really knows, that someone sees this blog and realizes they too do that, and so maybe they can develop a plan of action that works for them.
Past that like I've said things have been good I'm training for my 15K and while my legs are certainly tired because of it, and my hips are feeling the extra weight I still feel good, and still get the same joy out of running. Nice to know I haven't lost that. Past that I'm slowly working to be back on track again with controlled eating. It always takes a few days to ease into but I know it will be back, and until then I'm going to keep running and STing and have positive thoughts, because few off days of eating are not the end of the world.
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