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Bad Week.. Just Need to Vent

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Well, after my fabulous weekend I had a bad food week, followed by a binge weekend. I guess I got TOO confident and let my goals fly out the window. I over ate pretty much everyday for a whole week (and a half basically) and on the days that I managed to not over eat, i binged...BIG TIME. Ugh. I'm just frustrated with myself for not staying on track and letting old habits slip back so quickly. There were days that I skipped the gym as well (on the days that I was binging, no less).

But, I'm going to stop beating myself up about it. I realized that the goal that I have in my mind needed to be reevaluated. So, last night I thought about what I really wanted my body to look like. The first thing that popped up in my mind were figure competitors. But then I realized that I didn't want to put myself in the position where I was analyzing every single little thing that went into my mouth. But yet, I do want that lean, tight, toned body (and those ever wonderful flat-abs...) Am I really willing to sacrifice the occasional slice of pizza or ice cream or even a cocktail for it? I think I can for the body that I want. No, scratch that. I CAN DO IT. It's going to be tough and I'm going to want to cave, BUT I NEED TO STAY FOCUSED. And eating the right number of calories too. I still think I'm eating too few. Especially if I'm still binging for multiple days in a row. I mean this isn't an excuse to go hog wild and eat whatever I want and not care, but its an opportunity for me to eat to fuel my body with all the exercising that I do.

New Calorie Goal: 1,300 to 1,500 calories

To some, this still may seem like to few, but to me (and my past of extreme restriction/binging) I think that this will be the "sweet spot" for me to feel satisfied, yet still be able to lose .5-1 lb a week and curb any urges to binge. The days that I eat around this range last month felt great. I had the energy to workout and didn't feel snack-y or overly hungry. But, I did give in too many times to the "oh, you're working hard. one day of a treat won't be so bad" voice in my head. And one treat led to another and another and...yeah.

Goal for the end of August:
lose 2 lbs
get in my cardio/lifting. NO MORE SKIPPING
eat clean: more veggies and protein, less simple carbs

Totally doable. I'm in a great frame of mind today, even though I won't have access to a car to do my regular cardio, I do have a couple workout DVDs to get in a cardio sesh, plus some free weights that my dad bought years ago to get in my lifting. Almost all my calories have been planned for today (except for dinner, but I still have 300 to play around with for that). Its the first day of August and I've got a whole new month to work towards my goals.

Which brings me to the vent section of this blog (well, I guess this post has been one big vent, but this is the part that lets me express my frustration on someone other than myself). SO. This weekend my brother and his fiance are coming to visit. Dont't get me wrong I love spending time with them and having them come vist. BUT, whenever his fiance comes with we do whatever she wants to do. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Like, I'm fine with going to the zoo and shopping. I love stuff like that. But, I don't want to go to a pizza/beer place for dinner. I don't care if it was on The Food Network or not. I DON"T WANT TO EAT PIZZA AND DRINK BEER. Pizza is a trigger for me. I can't stop at one or two slices and feel satisfied. It just doesn't happen, which I why I'm trying to avoid it. My mom knows this. My dad knows this. And the thing is, my mom even told me that I could look up places to eat that have a greater variety of foods so that I could find a healthier alternative to eat. Which I did yesterday. I found a place that had a wide variety of options and even picked out a few options that I would enjoy. But nooooo. My mom gets a text from the fiance about this pizza place and suddenly that where were going to eat. UM HELLO?! DO you not remember telling me that your going to help me reach my goals? Pizza and beer is NOT in my August goals, sorry. Thankfully, the place does have a few salad options that look okay (no protein with any of them, which makes me mad, but I can deal I guess). Plus, this weekends breakfasts are most likely going to be muffins and waffles and SUGARY CARBS. no, no. I refuse to blow yet another weekend just because they're visiting. I'm still working out on Saturday morning and making myself eggs or something else. I have goals and I'm sticking to them, no matter what. Also, I'm not getting cupcakes either. I don't want to cram 400+ calories down my throat all at once anymore. I'm not about that anymore.

And I apologize if I sound really self-centered, but I'm trying to get back on my weight loss goals and a "free" weekend just isn't in my plans at this time. If i had had a good week and weekend I would relax more, but I didn't and I do have to be strict with myself. Well, strict might be the wrong word to use, but I can't be overly relaxed with my eating.

UGH.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JADOMB 12/14/2013 9:51PM

    I haven't been reading blogs much this last year but when I get time I try to pop in to see what's up. Sorry to hear of the troubles you are having. This seems to be a common problem for all of us. When one is serious about eating right and exercising, someone is always there to redirect our focus. We just have to be focused and serious with others to prove to them that we can do this. I think many times the only reason they do this is because they can't and they don't want to see that others can. Keep the faith.

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HDHAWK 8/11/2013 8:55AM

    I completely understand being around trigger foods and trying to avoid them. If they want pizza they should be able to choose a place that has that and something that works for you. Good luck!

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COMPUCATHY 8/10/2013 10:10PM

    It is really hard when you're trying to jibe with other people and their eating desires...and yet stay in your calorie range. I find that looking up things ahead of time and entering them in my tracker before I go makes me resolve to eat what I've tracked. Hope your weekend is a blast! Keep up the good work! Thanks for the encouragement! Spark on! emoticon emoticon

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KDRICH24 8/9/2013 1:15AM

    I agree, It's great that you forgave yourself! I too find myself binge eating and something that helped me stop was tracking everything I ate during the binge. It is awful to see 6 peanut butter cookies on my tracker but IT HELPS ME REMEMBER that it isn't worth it! I also found that admitting it on line like you just did helps me too. I'm sure you already know all of this. i wish you luck! emoticon

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LGREGG07 8/2/2013 10:20AM

    thank you for the book suggestion! I love to read so i think that'll be the next one that I read (:

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MARINCESS 8/1/2013 6:48PM

    I commend you for forgiving yourself and getting over your "uh-oh's" to make August the best it can be. Also, no reason to feel self centered about anything, this is your blog! lol It's all about you! I deal with binges and what feels like self sabotaging behavior as well. It's not a pretty feeling at all. I am not super restrictive with what I can cannot eat, good food vs. bad food mentality always causes me to overeat and binge. Everything in moderation keeps me a happy girl. Even if I do go over my calorie range once or twice a week by 100-300 calories. My target calorie range is 1500 as well. A book I wanted to suggest to you is called the Hunger Fix. For me knowing the science and research behind all my crazy binges has helped me to really sit back and come up with a battle plan to stop the behavior. I love the psychology aspect of it, considering I majored in it I should lol.

Congrats on moving forward and I know you'll be doing some awesome things this month. emoticon

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Fabulous Weekend

Monday, July 22, 2013

This weekend was great. Absolutely 100% amazing.

It started out on Saturday morning with a morning shopping trip with my mom and grandma. We first went to a place called Stein Mart because my grandma had never been and she really wanted to go. I didn't find anything that I liked, but we got my grandma three new outfits! For someone who hasn't bought herself new clothes in who knows how long, I was a little surprised, but really happy that she was able to find things that she loved. Next, we went over to Nordstrom Rack, which happens to be my mom's favorite place to shop. I think it's mainly because she has incredibly small feet and they actually have adult shoes in her size. But I digress. Well, I'm there poking around looking for something new to wear to work. I found a dress that I absolutely LOVED...but I could only find it in sizes XS and S. well, I KNEW there was no way I was fitting into an XS, but I thought, I'm going to try in on in the S and hope for the best.

I sneaked over to the fitting room, not wanting to show my mom and grandma in case it didn't fit. There was no way I was going to let them know I was trying on clothes a size smaller than I normally wear. Anyways, I go into my little fitting room and carefully hang the dress up on the hook. I then close my eyes and start to put the dress on over my head, thinking that It's going to get stuck at my shoulders.

But it doesn't.

It glides over my body with ease, covering me in the soft fabric.

It's not even too tight anywhere.

I FIT INTO A SMALL DRESS AND IT LOOKS GOOD. really good. I haven't worn a S since I was a freshman in high school.

After buying the dress (because I would have been a fool not to), my grandma wants to get a snack/lunch. And, as most people know, grandmothers love to feed people. It's just how they are. Well, before I could explain that I was already going out to dinner with a friend later that night and that I would rather have a smaller snack, my mom interjects and tells my grandma that the family is trying to watch what we eat and that a snack would be better than a lunch out. Wait, what? Since when has my family been trying to watch what they eat? This was news to me! We ended up at California Tortilla, not the best choice, but it was close. The three of us split some chips and salsa. The chips weren't too greasy and the salsa was fresh, with reall chopped up tomato, onion, cilantro, etc. It was chunky and flavorful and just so good.

Post shopping I was still elated over fitting into this dress that I went up to my room and decided to try on a pair of pants that were just tight enough to be uncomfortable. They're still a little tight but not uncomfortable! That put me into the mood to go workout, so I went to the gym to fit in a workout before getting ready to go out with my friend. It felt so good to lift and do some incline work! I'm also starting to see some definition in my arms and back which makes me so happy!

Going out with my friend was also good. We went to dinner at a place called Rock bottom and I had their bruschetta chicken, which was good. I ate until I was satisfied, but not overly stuffed. Then we went to a bar for some drinks (...and to flirt with guys....) Yes, I probably drank to much, but I didn't give in to the greasy pizza or other food afterwards. We took a taxi back to her house, drank some water, and went straight to bed.

Anyways, this week/weekend taught me something. I have to strive for progress, NOT perfection. I wasn't perfect this week with my diet, but I'm still seeing progress in the way that clothes are fitting me and the way that my upper body is looking. I'm getting more confidence in myself and I'm not stressing over keeping my calories to the bare minimum. I haven't had an all out binge over the week. Yes, there were days that I went over my calorie allowance, but nothing too major and definitely NOWHERE near binging like I have in the past. I'm starting to feel pride in myself and the way that I'm looking and I'm confident that this will keep motivating me to push myself in the gym and make smart food choices.

Plus, the compliments that I have been getting all morning on my dress are helping (;

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MLDRLD 7/22/2013 9:41AM

    emoticon Congratulations on the smaller dress size!

Great that you had so much fun over the weekend with family and friends.

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Begining of Week 3

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Its the start of week three and I'm feeling good. Like REALLY good. I feel confident, healthy, and better about my body. I mean, I know I slipped up on Saturday (BIG TIME, I might add) but for the first time in a long time, I'm really not stressing over it. I got "back on the wagon" Sunday and Monday was a breeze. Well, not really a breeze, but I was pretty happy considering it was a hazy, humid Monday at work. But I did eat within my range (again my Tracker might be a little under, but I do take some BTL's here and there...need to work on that). Still at the low end of my range, but I plan on adding 100 calories each month until I hit my "sweet spot". I also got in my planned workouts (inclines on the treadmill and a back/bicep lifting session).

And now my body is rebelling. I'm sore. ALL OVER. But, I'm one of those crazy people that like to feel sore (in a good way. I know the difference between being sore and being injured, thanks to swimming).

OH! And when I was in the weight room, one of the guys complimented me on the weight I was using and said: "wow, your strong". On the outside I tried to remain nonchalant about it, but on the inside I was ecstatic! It's on thing to feel yourself getting stronger, but its completely different when someone else comments on it, a guy especially. Not that I'm looking for these compliments or anything, its just nice every once and awhile.

Anyways, its a quiet Tuesday morning here at the office and I'm still full from my breakfast (1 tbs PB on a toasted sandwich thin, 1 cup blueberries, water for my vitamins, and a travel mug of coffee- 2 tbs ff creamer and truvia). I have a salad (with lite Italian dressing and turkey lunch meat) and cucumber slices for my lunch, plus almonds and a protein bar packed for my snacks. I also have my water bottle planted right next to my keyboard and plan on refilling it frequently. It's a good thing my desk is close to the bathroom... haha For dinner tonight I'm trying a new recipe: BBQ Chicken Quinoa Salad. I've never had Quinoa before and I'm very interested in trying it. This recipe calls for: shredded chicken, corn, black beans, avocado, Quinoa, and BBQ sauce. Easy and really fast to make (which is good, because my mom is actually going to be cooking it, and she hates to cook complicated stuff). And a serving, whcih is 1 1/2 cups is only 201 calories!! So, in order to hit my calories for today, I'm freezing a pear flavored chobani for dessert. I can't wait for dinner tonight!! My workout for tonight is going to be chest/shoulders/triceps and treadmill inclines again (because for some reason, I really like them).

I have my calorie plan made out for this week, along with my workout plan. I'm not going to have a "high day" (where I eat at the top of my range) this week because my best friend and I are going to go out for drinks on Saturday night and I kind of want to "save up" some calories for that. Which I know isn't the best idea, but I want to have a little reserve because I know I'm going to go over my calories that night. I like to think of it as a little celebration for being at work all week hehehe

Here's to keeping up our hard work and feeling confident! (:

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KDRICH24 8/12/2013 6:01PM

    Good Job! Keep up the positive attitude!

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Learning to Take It Slow

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

After a not-so-healthy weekend with back-to-back binge days on Friday and Saturday, I learned something about myself, a couple things actually.

I like to be in control. OF EVERYTHING.

If I feel like I have lost that control, by eating too much (like Friday night, I went out with a friend for dinner, which I had planned, but ended up eating way more than I should and a few drinks and ice cream) I end up binging the next day because I feel as though I have failed in my attempts to lose weight. The little voice inside my head goes "you over ate yesterday. you'll never lose the weight you want. let's just eat all the salty and sugary foods you can today too."

And I did.

But, I did get in a workout on Saturday (pre-binge), which was something I wouldn't have done in the past, so that was a success. And then on Sunday I went to the gym again, which was another success. Last week I did well with sticking to my fitness plan, but not so great on the food plan and that is where I learned my lesson.

I'm not eating enough earlier in the week.

I don't have a lot left to lose (5-10 lbs. of vanity weight). Therefore, in order to be healthy i NEED to take it slow. I changed my goal date on SP from October 1 to December 1 which bumped my calorie range up to 1330-1680. I haven't eaten remotely near 1330 on a good day (which is ultimately the reason why I was binging so often). I had it in my mind that I needed no more than 1200 calories on the days that I worked out. But something in my brain clicked this weekend and it hit me that if I want to keep/gain muscle and lose bf % I need to be feeding myself more (and binge less). So for the past 3 days, which I know doesn't seem like a lot, but to me it is, I have eaten around 1300 calories (my trackers say that I might not have reached 1300, but I did have a couple bites of food that I'm not really sure how to track, so I just round up my calories).

Last night I got that voice in my head after dinner as I was making my lunch for today telling me that I should just give up and snack on the pretzels that my mom bought herself. But I resisted. I told that voice that I was full from dinner, I had eaten my calories (and yes, I know that I could have eaten more and still been in range, but I am slowly trying to add in calories so I don't feel as though I am "losing control") and that I was going to finish cutting my carrots and go to bed.

AND I DID.

I went upstairs, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and got out a book to read for bed. I even closed my bedroom door and climbed under the covers so that I would be too comfortable to want to get up. I ended up getting so comfortable that I feel asleep reading my book! I woke up this morning (still sleepy, as usual), but proud of myself that I didn't give in to the voice in my head. I really think that this will give me that push to keep taking my journey slow. I know that I won't see the results immediately (on the scale and on my body) But for the first time in a long time, I'm not stressing over it. I'm packing healthy meals and snacks for work and doing my best to hit the low end of my range.

My goals for the rest of July are:
eat 1300-1350 calories 5/7 days of the week
eat 1600 calories 2/7 days of the week
keep up with my cardio and strength training workouts

I know I can do this!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LGREGG07 7/10/2013 2:27PM

    thanks! I'm REALLY hoping that I'm able to stick with my plan. It's going to be tough with that voice in my head, but its do-able!

I'm sorry that you've had binges in the past couple weekends too, but hopefully you learned something from them as well (: You can lose those last couple vanity pounds too! Unfortunately it takes longer than we want it too!

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KYLAR_STERN 7/10/2013 1:49PM

    This sounds great. Sorry to hear you had an episode of binging, but if you learned that much from it, it seems like it was a good thing.

I have a similar problem with the feeling of losing control, and once I realize my day hasn't gone perfect, it's like that evil little voice in my head says give up and eat what you want. You can go back to perfect Monday. Which led to my binges lasting entire weekends before.

I'm in the same place as you, just a couple vanity pounds I put back on that I want to trim off again. I did good for a month with the notion of just eat a little less that I was trying when I was at maintenance, but then I had a bad weekend. Then I ate as few cals as I was when cutting for a week, which led to another very, very bad weekend.

Sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do with increasing the amount you eat. It'd be nice if you could continue up a slow, linear scale until your in balance your outs. Wouldn't that be a nice way to get there? Especially when you're happy with what you see in the mirror at that point :)

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Brand New Month, Brand New Challenges

Monday, July 01, 2013

Well, here I am again, at the start of a new month with the same I-will-lose-weight-and-stay-on-track-every
day attitude. Only this time, I am taking myself seriously. I have learned a lot from my past history of extreme yo-yo dieting (I would under eat one day and binge heavily the next). The difference with this "fresh start" is that I am actually TELLING people about my goals. At home, I have my planned workout schedule (graciously made up by a personal trainer friend, who unfortunately lives in NY) and July Goals and Challenges posted onto my family's fridge, so that my parents are aware of a) my workouts (to help push me to go to the gym on the days when my motivation is lacking), b) my July goals, challenges, and rewards (so everyone knows what I want to avoid eating/ want to increase in my diet, PLUS the reward that I am looking forward to at the end of the month, and c) the range of calories that I should be eating (so that I won't be asked if I want seconds, or dessert, etc.)

I think that actually saying: I'm unhappy with the way I have let myself get lazy and skip the gym and eat more unhealthily, will help me from reverting back to old (old, horrible, bad) habits. I think that it will allow for my family and friends to understand WHY I don't want to go out to get ice cream or a burger and fries or WHY I wanted to buy a monthly gym membership instead of workout at home alone. Hey, it's already getting my mom thinking of joining a gym to go to some group classes! Taking time this morning to reflect on my "diet past" as I worked on making lifting cards (to help track my weight and number of reps per exercise) almost made me cry, thinking about the amount of stress and ridiculousness I put my body under the last couple of years, especially during my last semester at college.

My struggle with my weight actually started in high school after my brother left for college. I began to binge eat and sneak food around the house because I felt as thought my mother was trying to punish me by not letting me eat whatever sweets or junk that everyone else did. Little did I know that she was trying to help me to eat and train like the athlete I was (I have been on a swim team since I was 7 years old.) I continued this pattern until it was my turn to leave for college (miraculously on a swim scholarship, even though my swimming suffered since I developed my binge-eating habits). Being busy with classes, practices, and friends kept my mind off of eating and my binge-eating stopped (partly because I wasn't telling myself that certain foods were "off limits" and partly because I shared a room with a roommate). However, I was eating to maintain my weight, so I was still pretty chubby. My second semester freshman year was a different story. I no longer had to go to practice! I no longer had to wake up early to lift weights! I had freedom to do what I wanted, and that was to not go to the gym. I still eat the same but the combination of greasy-carb-filled cafeteria food and a lack of workouts made me sluggish, overly tired, and I lost the muscle that I had during swim season and replaced it with fat. I didn't gain but 1 or 2 pounds that semester, but I was looking worse than ever. When I came home that summer, my parents and I all decided it was time for the family to get healthier, together! My dad ordered P90X and he and I did the workouts together in the evenings and my mom and I went swimming 3x a week together. After that summer my body completely changed. I had lost about 10 pounds, but had also gained a significant amount of muscle. I was lean and curvy in all the right places. I was happy, my parents were happy, and my coach was in awe over how hard I had worked over the summer. I was on cloud 9 that first semester of my sophomore year. I made better food choices in the dining hall and I was kicking butt in all of my classes! Then the second semester came and I promised myself that I wasn't going to gain weight and stop going to the gym like I had done the previous year. The problem was, that summer I hadn't actually LEARNED how to eat properly. Yes, I ate better and healthier, but I never learned the importance of eating too little or the effects of too many carbs, fat, or protein. I thought weight loss was all calories in/calories out. So, I put myself on a 1,300 calorie diet and went to the gym for an hour 5x a week doing cardio, but not lifting weights. By that summer I had lost muscle (but thankfully didn't gain any weight), so I still wasn't happy with the way that my butt, thighs, hips, and stomach were getting dimply and "pouchy". I put myself back on P90X (with my 1,300 cal diet) thinking that the weight would fall off just like it had the summer before. But it didn't. And because I wasn't feeding my body enough, I was binge-eating 2-3x a week! It was a mess. By start of my junior year I made empty promise after promise to myself that I was going to "lose the weight once and for all and get myself on a healthy diet".

Fast forward to my spring semester of my senior year. I was still not were I wanted to be weight and health-wise. The difference was, I became OBSESSED with tracking my calories and became extremely upset with myself if i even ate 1 little thing that wasn't on my strict diet. I also became lazy with my workouts. I knew that I needed to do a little cardio and/or lifting each day to reach my goals in a safe healthy manner, but when it didn't happen immediately, I go frustrated and would skip the gym to eat disgusting amounts of foods, which only left me feeling worse about myself. By the time my spring break came, I was desperate to lose at least a few pounds by graduation that I began to skip meals in order to make up for my lack of gym time. That plan, didn't curb my binging, it only made my cravings stronger! Because I wanted to look good at graduation, I started a cycle were i would only eat 300-500 calories one day and binge the next. I was a crazed woman, skipping social events because I was feeling fat or because I had to go tot he gym to "work off" my binge. I did manage to lose a few pounds by the time I walked across the stage to get my diploma, but I was the unhealthiest I had been in years. The praise I received from my family over losing a few pounds made me feel like a failure, rather than a success. How could my family be so happy over my unhealthy habits?! Didn't they realize what I had done to by body?! When I moved back home a week later, I had made yet another promise to myself that I was going to start eating the right number of calories and stop binging. I started out great the first week I was home. I did a little cardio and weights 6x a week, I ate small meals though out the day (I did have one night were my friend and I went out for drinks that turned into a few too many, but other than that I was on a roll!) But, I was lucky to land a full time job (within my major no less!!) the middle of my second week home. I grossly underestimated how exhausting working 8 hours a day was. By the time I made it home I was too exhausted (and hungry) to find the motivation to go down to our basement to workout. I would eat a sensible dinner and still feel hungry so I would end up making myself late night snack, which only fueled the fire that was by binge/restrict cycle through June. I was angry at myself that I let myself get so out of control with food and giving up on the gym. The last Friday in June (the 28th) I contacted a friend from school that recently landed a job as a personal trainer for a gym in NY. I asked him if he would help me create a workout plan, and thankfully he emailed me the next morning a whole month of workouts broken down by day and week. His generosity made me realize that if I explain what I am trying to do, that people will find a way to help me, not get in my way. I wrote out my list of small goals/challenges and posted them on the fridge AND I told my parents that I am trying to get back into shape and lose the fat that has grown on my body. They told me it would be tough but that they would support me 100000% of the way.

And here I am now. The first of a new month. A month waiting to be filled with new challenges and positive energy. I am excited to get out of work and drive to the gym. I am excited about the healthy lunch and snack I have packed today. I am even excited to tell people about my goals! This amount of positive energy is new to me and I can only hope that my motivation continues through out my (HEALTHY) journey. I know that I need to be patient to see the changes in my body and I know that I probably won't even see a change in the scale this week. But I am ready for that. I am better prepared (I think) this time around. I CAN and I WILL do this. It may take me all year, but It'll happen. I'll stumble, I won't be perfect everyday, but I will be doing the best that I can and that's what counts the most.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KDRICH24 8/13/2013 1:34PM

    You can do this! Celebrate your new found motivation! emoticon

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