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What happens when suicide is a thought?

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

I can tell you what happens. You get yourself to the doctor. You tell someone. You call a friend or a hotline.

I was there. At that point. What do I do now? I called my doctor and when the receptionist asked me what the appointment was for I told her I was depressed. I had an appoint ASAP. No joking around.

I went in my doctors office looking normal - well normal for me. I sat thru the nurse getting my vitals. I was fine. When the doc came in and asked me what was going on, I started the big ugly crying. It all came flooding out.

She had me sit beside her, not on the table. She handed me some tissues and we talked for a while. Then she suggested that I talk to a therapist. How did I feel about that, she asked?

I had never done that before. It scared the hell out of me. I really did not want to go to the loony bin in a straight jacket.

She laughed and shared with me that the doc she recommends is her own personal therapist. Of course, I could go to someone else if that was too close for comfort, she said.

So I said, nope. If he is good enough for you, that is good enough for me. I had an appointment for the next week. I had a whole week to get nervous about it.

I went on, though. Nothing could get worse at this point, as far as my mental state went.

The office building was not what I expected. It was like a greenhouse on the inside, with live plants and trees. Benches were everywhere between office suite doors. It was the coolest thing. The roof was all glass and it was nice and warm.

The office itself was more clinical. The doc came out and he was not what I had pictured. He was a fit older man, with a soft voice and super tall. I followed him to his office which had a lot of natural light and the most comfy straight backed chair.

He had tons of questions about me and then we got to the meat of why I was there. It was a hour session that felt like 15 minutes. We talked about the steps I needed to make, and how to go about them.

I came out of the office feeling much much better. Things seemed manageable and I had a plan. A life plan, not a dying plan.

I saw him several times, each visit was super productive and engaging. Finally I had "graduated" to just "call me if something comes up". I feel like I have a safe judgment free place to go to if the need arises.

What I learned I use with every aspect of my life.

Of course, I still have all the foot pain I talked about in my last blog. It is not as intense as it was, but it's something I have to live with. I have taken steps to make it better - using essential oils and yoga. The yoga is a total mind and body experience that has seriously helped me.

I don't have the hand pain anymore. That was some serious anxiety and depression manifesting in my hands.

I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I am not suicidal or crazy.

I am happy. I am focused. I am relaxed. I am stronger than I have ever been.

I feel pretty damn good.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NGCHILD 12/3/2014 10:24AM

    Melissa, I didn't get this notification!! I am sorry to hear about your issues but glad, SO VERY GLAD, that things are ok with you!!

Hugs to you and your boys!!


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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 11/7/2014 2:05PM

    I'm very happy that you are feeling better. I see, so often, people in my line of work that refuse Psych because there is such a stigma attached to it. Those people suffer for SO long due to that. Good for you for reaching out for the tools to help yourself.


Comment edited on: 11/7/2014 2:06:05 PM

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OHANAMAMA 11/7/2014 1:40PM

    I am so glad it all went well for you! It's great to see you all happy and sparky again! :)

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CATHYGETSFIT 11/7/2014 1:05AM

    I read your other blog just the other day but didn't reply because I felt bad for not having seen it earlier. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that you went through. I do understand though the feeling of just wanting it all to go away and thinking that suicide is the best option. I saw a show last night where someone committed suicide with a gun. My hubby said "That's why you don't have guns in your house". I never thought about it before but I feel certain that there were times I probably would have killed myself like that if we had had a gun in the house. Thankfully we didn't and thankfully I too got help when I needed it. I'm so glad your doctor actually listened to you and took you seriously. I'm also glad that you found a therapist that you liked, listened to you and helped you to work on a plan towards getting better to where you didn't need him anymore. I'm really happy to hear that you are doing so much better! I know it's freeing to feel like you aren't in this deep dark hole that you can't get out of. I wish mental health care was more accessible to people who need it though. I think there are too many people out there who need help but can't afford it.

I wrote kind of a similar blog back in August when Robin Williams committed suicide. I hope you never have to experience anything like you did before!

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JUSTME29 11/5/2014 10:23PM

    I'm so glad that you found the right help. So many times people tell horror stories about doctors not really listening, but yours did and that is a point for the humanity of doctors around the world.

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/5/2014 12:49PM

    It's wonderful to see you so positive and doing so well!

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Where have my blogs been?

Friday, October 10, 2014

It's a long story! I have been a journey. I will keep it short as I can.

A little over a year ago, I was in a great place. I was emotionally sound and looking very forward to my 40th birthday. My kids were in a new school, everything was looking better. I was very physically active. I was doing Turbo Jam and walking 3 miles a day. (I thought it was a mile until just recently. Turns out I was walking 3 miles. I am not so good with those measurements!) And on Saturday mornings I peeled myself out of bed while everyone slept and met a group of crazy chicks, my walking posse and we walked or hiked come rain or shine. If it rained, we walked in a mall. If it was gorgeous we hiked Pilot Mountain trails or greenways around here. It was awesome!

I started suffering from some anxiety because my mom, who is a diabetic and not in the greatest health, had to have a toe amputated. It could have been worse but considering the volatile relationship my parents have, I felt like I had to go home to help out. I did. I stayed 3 nights away from my family 3 hours away to help out. My mom said she appreciated it, but she yelled at me, called me a liar (because she was telling therapists that she was fit, when her oxygen level hit 70 just sitting up in bed), and things like that. It was ugly.

I had some tingling and pain in my arms and hands that I thought was carpel tunnel. Docs and specialist could not figure it out. Turns out that was the starting of my anxiety. The tingling really got intense when I was at home with mom and dad. Just being near those two together is so ugly. They HATE each other and refuse to divorce. I have been begging them to divorce since I was 13!

Anyway, bad got worse for me.

I was on my regular walk after my AM Turbo, walking up my driveway when I felt a sharp pain in my right foot. It felt like a muscle snapped in two! I could not put any pressure on my foot at all. No joke. I hopped in the house and winced in pain all day. It got no better. I could hardly move.

My 40th birthday came and went and I felt horrible. I was hurting, tingling, and my face was all broken out. I was stressed to the max. Hair was falling out like mad.

Finally when the holidays were over, and thank God they were, I went to a podiatrist. He said no prob, I can help you. I have always known that I had heel spurs in both heels, plantar fascitis, bunions on both feet. Well now I had Morton's Neuroma as well. But the plantar fascitis had really blown up in the right foot for some reason. I had multiple visits, each time getting an ever painful shot in my heel. But my foot was making progress.

Unfortunately while all this was going on, I packed on a ton of weight. All that hard work down the freaking drain. It was so depressing. I felt like and 80 year old rather than a 40 year old. I could hardly walk some days. I could not play soccer with my boys or shoot with nerf guns and run around with them. I am always the zombie chasing them and giving them the virus, only to have them chase me. None of that was happening. I was disabled for the first time in my life.

It was a very dark dark place. I had never understood my cousin's suicide a few years back. I was devastated. She had had a major stroke at 40. She was slim, fit, and healthy as far as anyone knew. She was never over weight a day in her life. Her stroke left her living at home, surgeries under her belt, and no longer independent. She shot herself in her parents' home. I was floored. Hurt. Angry.

Now I got it. She didn't want to live if she could not live the way she wanted to. It was time to take control back and do the only thing she thought she could to relieve herself of all that had happened and all that she felt. She had to leave this life. I truly got it and was feeling it.

That scare me more than anything. I wanted release from all that was going on.

I didn't have a plan, but thoughts ran in my head. What would life be like for my kids? My hubs? It would be so hard. It was terrible to think about. It was worse than the pain I was having. I debated.

I got myself to the doctor.

More to come on how that went.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSEMBERSTORM 10/19/2014 12:58AM

    Oh no! I have been wondering how you were doing. I am so sorry you have been going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs. I am here for you.

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SEASONS_CHANGE_ 10/14/2014 7:31AM

    I'm sorry that you had to go all through that. I think anyone in that situation with your parents would react the same way. Stress causes so much harm to the body. Especially, when you don't know what to do about it.

So sad about your cousin and you being in a dark place. Coming from experience, we all have good times and bad times and when things seem dire, just know have to fight and know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life is like a roller coaster.

Sorry that you had a sucky birthday, but I'm very happy that you're getting better!


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ALP1976 10/11/2014 8:01AM

    Oh Melissa, I am so sorry my friend! I had no idea you had all of that going on. I am so glad that you're seeking help -- that is so very important! I have known a few that have gone in that fashion and it is so devastating.

Stress is an ugly, ugly thing and one that needs to be addressed because I don't think many realize the physiological implications that can result from stress, it sounds like you encountered it first hand.

I am always here for you anytime you need anything. I am good for a virtual hug or a long venting sparkmail if you need. Hang in there, it is such a dark road but one that it sounds like you're working on bring light to. Luv ya girlie!!

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JUSTME29 10/10/2014 8:32PM

    That is a dark, hard path to walk and I'm so sorry you had to go there. I'm glad you have come to terms with your cousin's suicide, but I'm sorry you had to get there this way. You are at you best with your hubby and kids, and that's where you belong. You can't fix your parents, all you can do is find ways to cope with them.

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MORTICIAADDAMS 10/10/2014 11:32AM

    I can relate. Stress is what derails my healthy lifestyle.

And my cousin, who was my best friend growing up, committed suicide for similar reasons.

I hope you are doing better now.

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OHANAMAMA 10/10/2014 10:48AM

    I know those thoughts.... emoticon

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AUNTRENEE 10/10/2014 9:34AM

    Hope that you get to feeling better.

Your cousin who had the stroke at age 40 was the same age as my mom was in 1991 when she had her first stroke. She had another one in 998 at age 47 but in 4 days since she passed away 8 years ago. She was 55. I'm getting awful close in to the age she was when she had her first stroke. I'll be 37 this coming December. So I need to watch my health.

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Feeling Better

Friday, May 09, 2014

I have been on a long road. One that hopefully leads to a full recovery.

The long story is too long, so here's the abridged version:

I have had pain in one form or another, and most of this pain was unexplained. No doctor or specialist could explain it. At first, it was all over itching. Everywhere. I had migraines. I have never had migraines before. Those went away, and I had tingling and stinging in my hands and arms. It was so bad I could not type or write or open doors. I was totally disabled. Then my foot pain flared up so badly I could not walk.

I pursued each pain with a specialist. My foot pain is real, and I have been working on it with a podiatrist. I am slowly recovering and the last couple of weeks I have been able to work out. This is the first week I was able to work out all week, completing each workout.

I went to my doctor who has been with me during this crazy journey. She and I sat down and I cried. Just cried. I explained that all of these physical problems directly reflects a problem related to my parents or my childs health.

After a lot of discussion, we determined that my anxiety is out of control. I have always had some anxiety, but this is really making me sick.

I have been pursuing some remedies and I can see a big difference already. I feel a bit more focused and social. I am still having some pain. I got anxious today and my arms started stinging. I am developing tools to help me cope and get back to feeling normal. (whatever that is)

I hope to get back to my regular activities here and everywhere else. I have been tracking and participating here and there, just trying to get back into the groove of things.

I gained a lot of weight. I could not work out in all that pain. But I am 9 pounds down and really staying focused. Woohoo!

My journey is certainly not over or cured or whatever. I can see light, and I can accept what's going on. Here's to getting out of this funk!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOY199 8/4/2014 9:01PM

    The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne saved my life. I was getting to the point where I didn't want to leave my house. I decided to see a therapist, because I didn't want to live that way. She is one who recommend the book. She told me everyone gets some anxiety at times, and she is right. I still get anxious at times, but now I know what do to keep it from controlling my life.
Inspirational quotes are one of my coping tools, and this is one of my favorites from Eleanore Roosevelt, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

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    I am so sorry to hear this. I am glad you are feeling better and hope you have a full recovery!

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MSEMBERSTORM 5/19/2014 9:18PM

    Hugs and I am so happy to see you here. I am so sorry you have been going through this! May prayers and hugs. I am glad you are on the mend. We are here for you! Take care and keep healing!

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JUSTME29 5/10/2014 9:47AM

    I'm glad to see you around! I'm so glad that you are finding some relief. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing this time that you've been away. I'm looking forward to seeing you around here more and catching up with you.

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OHANAMAMA 5/9/2014 2:35PM

    First of all I am so glad you are feeling better. It's great to see you back on SP! Second, I am so sorry all this has happened to you. I reckon your doc has exhausted all possibilities... it makes it so much harder when there are no answers as to what and why. third... I feel you on the anxiety.... more than you might know.

I hope the foot pain continues to get better. Way to go on the 9 lbs lost already! you are getting back into your groove. :)

I love you, my dear friend... emoticon emoticon

I hope your hubby and the boys are doing well!

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PROPMAN1 5/9/2014 2:27PM

  emoticon emoticon

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Thursday, October 10, 2013

I turn 40 tomorrow and it's the last thing on my mind. I am so sad! I was looking so forward to 40! Mom's surgery took much more of her foot than they thought. She is in therapy and down and out about it. My dad is expecting to have shoulder surgery at the end of the month. He was coughing up blood yesterday and so he is going to the VA hospital today. Hubs is one of the furloughed government employees who is working without a paycheck right now. If the government doesn't act like grown men soon we will not be getting paid next week. I have a terrible case of carpal tunnel and I am waiting to go to the ortho doc. It's just not a pretty picture at my house right now.

I have not been able to type much at all or focus on anything good. I haven't been here because I can't type without pain. My proofreading job will end if I can't get this fixed soon! I have to save my hands for all things domestic right now! So please understand when I don't respond. It's not personal, it's painful.


Anyway, I just wanted you to know what was going on!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSEMBERSTORM 10/14/2013 6:25PM

    Hugs and healing thoughts all the way around! Happy Birthday! Hope things improve.

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OHANAMAMA 10/11/2013 1:24PM


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NGCHILD 10/10/2013 10:26AM

    Melissa, sorry to hear about all the issues with your family. Health is so important. Sending prayers your way for you and your family!

You are fabulous today and will be fabulous for our birthday!!! I am rockin 42 tomorrow!!

I hope your pain eases in your hand, I can't imagine the pain.

Take care.


emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUSTME29 10/10/2013 8:49AM


I wish I could help somehow. This whole shutdown thing is awful - I don't care which side you're on politically the only people being hurt are people like your family. I'm so sorry! Know that I'm thinking of you.

I hope your mom recovers well from her surgery, and I hope that this is the wake-up call she needs to take better care of her remaining foot. I also will say prayer for your dad.

Comment edited on: 10/10/2013 8:50:39 AM

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    Somewhere in there is something good. Ed Foreman says to expect g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-od things to happen and they will. Chin up!

Make Today the Greatest Day of Your Life

emoticon Until Tomorrow

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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I am feeling so tired! I have been working out like crazy! It feels so good to be back in the groove. I am doing my turbo jam and then walking! Sometimes for an hour or more. I love being outside. I am also still hiking on Saturday mornings with my girlfriends. I adore then and being outside. This time of year it's just gorgeous!

I am feeling better this week and I hope I stay that way. The headaches are being kept at bay.

My mom is having part of her foot removed next week. She has had diabetes since she was 38 years old. She took great care of herself for a while, but the last 10 years she has completely quit. And now as a result, although she denies it, she is loosing her foot. She tells me this could happen to anyone. Maybe so, but she didn't do herself any favors.

Again, this inspires me to behave and workout. Why eat like a maniac and become everyone's burden?

I started tutoring last week with my son's second grade class. I love LOVE love it. I have two students from Mexico who mostly do not speak English. I love helping them learn to read. It's awesome.

And I got to work with the advanced kids too. I just love it.

I hope that this fall I can drop at least 10 pounds and get into my favorite jeans. AGAIN. Ugh!

Well, I am off! Lots to do!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSEMBERSTORM 10/5/2013 8:02PM

    Sorry to hear about your mom. Sounds like you are back on track and that is awesome. Keep rocking it woman!

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JUSTME29 9/28/2013 9:51AM

    I'm sorry about your mom. I hope she takes this as a wake up call to take better care of her health from here on out so this isn't just the beginning.

I'm so glad to hear you so upbeat! The headaches are fading, you're back to exercising, fall weather is crispy and inspirational for losing weight. Tutoring sounds like a great fit for you. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job of it.

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ANYTIMEILIKE 9/26/2013 10:51AM

    Hi dropping by from the Love of Horror team blog roll. Sorry to hear about your Mom's health. I hope everything goes well with the operation.

I love your wallpaper.

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GMO_JEN 9/25/2013 8:05PM

    Sorry to hear about your mom too. That can't be easy, but hopefully taking care of yourself will help her too.

Also very cool that your headaches are doing better, and that you tutoring. That is awesome :)

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MISTY_MOUNTAINS 9/25/2013 6:59PM

    All the leaves changing and the crisp, clean air make it SO much nicer to be outside this time of year!!

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NGCHILD 9/25/2013 10:15AM

    Sorry to hear about your mom.

Glad to hear that you are e'njoying fall! As you know it's my favorite time of the year too! We have been taking Max to the park in the evenings and letting him play and then we walk around the perimeter of the corn maze. He says it's spooky!

Speaking of spooky, we will be hotties in no time! You will be rocking those jeans by our birthday!!

Enjoy the rest of your week!!



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