Wednesday, November 05, 2014
I can tell you what happens. You get yourself to the doctor. You tell someone. You call a friend or a hotline.
I was there. At that point. What do I do now? I called my doctor and when the receptionist asked me what the appointment was for I told her I was depressed. I had an appoint ASAP. No joking around.
I went in my doctors office looking normal - well normal for me. I sat thru the nurse getting my vitals. I was fine. When the doc came in and asked me what was going on, I started the big ugly crying. It all came flooding out.
She had me sit beside her, not on the table. She handed me some tissues and we talked for a while. Then she suggested that I talk to a therapist. How did I feel about that, she asked?
I had never done that before. It scared the hell out of me. I really did not want to go to the loony bin in a straight jacket.
She laughed and shared with me that the doc she recommends is her own personal therapist. Of course, I could go to someone else if that was too close for comfort, she said.
So I said, nope. If he is good enough for you, that is good enough for me. I had an appointment for the next week. I had a whole week to get nervous about it.
I went on, though. Nothing could get worse at this point, as far as my mental state went.
The office building was not what I expected. It was like a greenhouse on the inside, with live plants and trees. Benches were everywhere between office suite doors. It was the coolest thing. The roof was all glass and it was nice and warm.
The office itself was more clinical. The doc came out and he was not what I had pictured. He was a fit older man, with a soft voice and super tall. I followed him to his office which had a lot of natural light and the most comfy straight backed chair.
He had tons of questions about me and then we got to the meat of why I was there. It was a hour session that felt like 15 minutes. We talked about the steps I needed to make, and how to go about them.
I came out of the office feeling much much better. Things seemed manageable and I had a plan. A life plan, not a dying plan.
I saw him several times, each visit was super productive and engaging. Finally I had "graduated" to just "call me if something comes up". I feel like I have a safe judgment free place to go to if the need arises.
What I learned I use with every aspect of my life.
Of course, I still have all the foot pain I talked about in my last blog. It is not as intense as it was, but it's something I have to live with. I have taken steps to make it better - using essential oils and yoga. The yoga is a total mind and body experience that has seriously helped me.
I don't have the hand pain anymore. That was some serious anxiety and depression manifesting in my hands.
I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I am not suicidal or crazy.
I am happy. I am focused. I am relaxed. I am stronger than I have ever been.
I feel pretty damn good.
Friday, October 10, 2014
It's a long story! I have been a journey. I will keep it short as I can.
A little over a year ago, I was in a great place. I was emotionally sound and looking very forward to my 40th birthday. My kids were in a new school, everything was looking better. I was very physically active. I was doing Turbo Jam and walking 3 miles a day. (I thought it was a mile until just recently. Turns out I was walking 3 miles. I am not so good with those measurements!) And on Saturday mornings I peeled myself out of bed while everyone slept and met a group of crazy chicks, my walking posse and we walked or hiked come rain or shine. If it rained, we walked in a mall. If it was gorgeous we hiked Pilot Mountain trails or greenways around here. It was awesome!
I started suffering from some anxiety because my mom, who is a diabetic and not in the greatest health, had to have a toe amputated. It could have been worse but considering the volatile relationship my parents have, I felt like I had to go home to help out. I did. I stayed 3 nights away from my family 3 hours away to help out. My mom said she appreciated it, but she yelled at me, called me a liar (because she was telling therapists that she was fit, when her oxygen level hit 70 just sitting up in bed), and things like that. It was ugly.
I had some tingling and pain in my arms and hands that I thought was carpel tunnel. Docs and specialist could not figure it out. Turns out that was the starting of my anxiety. The tingling really got intense when I was at home with mom and dad. Just being near those two together is so ugly. They HATE each other and refuse to divorce. I have been begging them to divorce since I was 13!
Anyway, bad got worse for me.
I was on my regular walk after my AM Turbo, walking up my driveway when I felt a sharp pain in my right foot. It felt like a muscle snapped in two! I could not put any pressure on my foot at all. No joke. I hopped in the house and winced in pain all day. It got no better. I could hardly move.
My 40th birthday came and went and I felt horrible. I was hurting, tingling, and my face was all broken out. I was stressed to the max. Hair was falling out like mad.
Finally when the holidays were over, and thank God they were, I went to a podiatrist. He said no prob, I can help you. I have always known that I had heel spurs in both heels, plantar fascitis, bunions on both feet. Well now I had Morton's Neuroma as well. But the plantar fascitis had really blown up in the right foot for some reason. I had multiple visits, each time getting an ever painful shot in my heel. But my foot was making progress.
Unfortunately while all this was going on, I packed on a ton of weight. All that hard work down the freaking drain. It was so depressing. I felt like and 80 year old rather than a 40 year old. I could hardly walk some days. I could not play soccer with my boys or shoot with nerf guns and run around with them. I am always the zombie chasing them and giving them the virus, only to have them chase me. None of that was happening. I was disabled for the first time in my life.
It was a very dark dark place. I had never understood my cousin's suicide a few years back. I was devastated. She had had a major stroke at 40. She was slim, fit, and healthy as far as anyone knew. She was never over weight a day in her life. Her stroke left her living at home, surgeries under her belt, and no longer independent. She shot herself in her parents' home. I was floored. Hurt. Angry.
Now I got it. She didn't want to live if she could not live the way she wanted to. It was time to take control back and do the only thing she thought she could to relieve herself of all that had happened and all that she felt. She had to leave this life. I truly got it and was feeling it.
That scare me more than anything. I wanted release from all that was going on.
I didn't have a plan, but thoughts ran in my head. What would life be like for my kids? My hubs? It would be so hard. It was terrible to think about. It was worse than the pain I was having. I debated.
I got myself to the doctor.
More to come on how that went.....
Friday, May 09, 2014
I have been on a long road. One that hopefully leads to a full recovery.
The long story is too long, so here's the abridged version:
I have had pain in one form or another, and most of this pain was unexplained. No doctor or specialist could explain it. At first, it was all over itching. Everywhere. I had migraines. I have never had migraines before. Those went away, and I had tingling and stinging in my hands and arms. It was so bad I could not type or write or open doors. I was totally disabled. Then my foot pain flared up so badly I could not walk.
I pursued each pain with a specialist. My foot pain is real, and I have been working on it with a podiatrist. I am slowly recovering and the last couple of weeks I have been able to work out. This is the first week I was able to work out all week, completing each workout.
I went to my doctor who has been with me during this crazy journey. She and I sat down and I cried. Just cried. I explained that all of these physical problems directly reflects a problem related to my parents or my childs health.
After a lot of discussion, we determined that my anxiety is out of control. I have always had some anxiety, but this is really making me sick.
I have been pursuing some remedies and I can see a big difference already. I feel a bit more focused and social. I am still having some pain. I got anxious today and my arms started stinging. I am developing tools to help me cope and get back to feeling normal. (whatever that is)
I hope to get back to my regular activities here and everywhere else. I have been tracking and participating here and there, just trying to get back into the groove of things.
I gained a lot of weight. I could not work out in all that pain. But I am 9 pounds down and really staying focused. Woohoo!
My journey is certainly not over or cured or whatever. I can see light, and I can accept what's going on. Here's to getting out of this funk!
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