Saturday, August 30, 2014
I don't know if I ever really have shared how horrible my depression was when I was younger...before I was medicated for Bipolar. My Bipolar cycled really close to the seasons. In the Spring I was AWESOME. In the Summer I was Great. In the Fall I was okay. In the Winter I was as close to dead as a person could get. For months I would think of ways to die, how best to die or fear death at a paralyzing level.
When I woke up in the morning most days the very first thought would be 'Will today be the day I finally get to be released from the Hell I call life?'. As I fell asleep at night I'd think 'Tomorrow I might have the courage to end it'. Or I would cry myself to sleep knowing I would die before morning. I begged God to kill me. I begged Him to spare me, but not make me live the way I did anymore.
As a young child I remember holding a pillow over my face until I had to let go. I couldn't hold it long enough. I was too scared. I was 15 the first time I overdosed. I SCREAMED for help, but none came. I was given some MAOI anti-depressant, but I had to limit everything I ate. I told my dad I didn't want to take it anymore so he told me to stop & I was done being treated for 'depression'.
In my mid twenties I slit my wrists bad enough to require stitches. The ER Dr stitched me up & sent me home. I was cutting on a pretty regular basis because I was drinking pretty heavy. I have scars from my ankles to my chest. Stab marks, slashes, actual cuts deep enough requiring stitches. Scissors, razors, even jack knife marks.
I was medicated off & on in my early to mid twenties for depression, but usually in the Spring I'd feel SO GREAT that I didn't need medicine anymore. Or I was drinking & the effects were less than noticeable. I cried myself to sleep almost every night until I was over 25 years old.
Most of my childhood memories are remembered through the tears in my young eyes. I still remember better than I like the way stars stream when you look at them through teary eyes.
So now here I am at 47. I've been medicated 17.5 years for Bipolar. I've been sober for over 8.5 years so my meds should be working their best. I have a great life. My family is loving & supportive. Mikhail & Lenny would walk to the ends of the earth for me. I have two great little grandsons. I don't want for food, clothes or shelter. YET....
I have no energy. I don't want to do anything. Most days I could take 2 naps no problem. I haven't slept through the night more than half a dozen times all year. Everything hurts my feelings. The news upsets me to the point of tears. I don't want to leave home, but I'm bored out of my mind. I do what I HAVE to to get through a day...nothing extra...ever!
I have a med check with my Dr on Tuesday. I think it's time to talk about a new anti-depressant. I'm back seeing my REAL Dr. I was seeing a different one most of the last few years. Every time I talked to her about different anti-depressants she pushed mood stabilizers on me. Bipolars NEED Mood stabilizers she'd say. I don't do well on mood stabilizers. I've told you of everything from weight gain, oversleeping to suicidal thoughts brought on by them.
It's very hard because I'm on 3 anti-depressants now. 2 for depression. One for fibromyalgia. Drs are scared to treat the depression in Bipolars for fear of setting up a Manic. I have great coping skills for the mania. I don't 'go crazy' when I'm manic. I talk too much. I clean like a fiend. I get stuff done so I don't consider mania 'bad'. My coping skills help me refocus, calm down and bring myself back in when necessary.
I have a very hard time calling what I'm going through Depression. It's not that dark ugly place I spent so much of my childhood & young adulthood in. I don't want to die, but paralyzed by the thought of death like I was either. I would drive out of my way to avoid cemeteries because death scared me so bad. This despite the fact I so often wished to die.
All the BS from my childhood is in my mind. I'm lazy. I don't try hard enough. I'm not living up to my potential. I'm not THAT stupid!
Is this REAL depression or do I just need to adjust my mood? Is it that easy? Why can't I do it? I don't want to be lazy, fat or stupid. Why would I choose to be?
Friday, August 29, 2014
I'd like a good manic about now so I could clean my house from top to bottom. Seriously, cobwebs on the ceiling to behind the stove to each & every closet in my house. I'd love to scrub the kitchen cupboards just because I have some extra energy. Maybe clean out my herb gardens to get them ready for next Spring because I did nothing extra with them since I weeded them in the Spring. I haven't used a fresh herb this Summer!
I'd more like to have a good manic tho so I can remember how great I am. I know those of you who aren't Bipolar don't get it, but being GRANDIOSE is awesome! Quite frankly, right now I'd settle for being okay.
I'm not sure that it's me that I am having such a hard time with. People call me too sensitive. Personally I think everyone could do with a little more empathy. In the news nobody wants to talk about the real issues of police brutality among young 'minority' groups. No! Let's blame people for using 'the race card' or even call it 'race baiting'. I'll tell you what, if I had a race card to use in our society I'd be flinging the effing thing like a death star & sticking it in an old white man's head about now! I don't understand why we can't just address the problem, apologize & STOP IT!
Blaming Muslims for all the problems of the world is on my last nerve right now too! ISIS, ISIL, Al-Qaeda are NOT an example of who Muslims are. Do you consider all Christians to be like Rev. Terry or Wright??? EXTREMISTS!!! A 'Holy War' is wrong no matter who starts it! Holy war doesn't even make sense! Biggest oxymoron ever stated!
PLEASE do not tell me who you blame in your comments! I don't care. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I am not asking for opinions right now. I'm disgusted! I am just writing out my feelings.
My 'family' is at the smallest it's been in years. I haven't talked to Samantha in 6 weeks, Gabe in 2 or my dad in 1. I'm fine with it. I can't take any of their junk right now. It's easy to see why people become recluses!
Did I mention I'm having a hard time right now?
Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
Sunday, August 24, 2014
If you are starting ANY sentence with this phrase it is probably a sentence you should not finish!!!
As long as we continue to pretend benign racism is acceptable we are part of the problem. I have been asking my father for years to quit using outdated terms for different groups of people. It has gotten to where it seems he does it as a direct insult to me. I am not going to tolerate it anymore!
He used a racial slur ONE time in my house & my son immediately repeated it in a sentence 'What does --- mean, Mom?' I took my son into the other room & explained the word & why we NEVER use it. I then went to my dad & told him if he ever used that word again in our presence that he would never be allowed in my home & would not see Mikhail again.
I know the other terms he uses are outdated at best. Racist at worst. Either way, he is going to stop using them in my presence or I will end my relationship with him. The other day I again corrected him & he actually said, 'It doesn't matter.' & HUNG UP ON ME!
That is disrespectful. If this was the only place he showed such blatant disrespect I might be more forgiving, but he won't even use my name in my sister's presence because he doesn't want to 'upset her'! But, I have to listen to junk about my mom, my grandpa, my sisters, people of different races, religions, etc....
The only reason I have overlooked this for as long as I have is because my dad was born & raised in MT. He is 70 years old so I have cut him slack for 'ignorance', but I have come to realize it is FEIGNED ignorance. That is way worse than real ignorance. He knows better, but doesn't care!
I had no idea that the level of racism was still so high in this country. I guess I've liked being in my little pink bubble thinking it was imaginary. I've learned so much these last 2 weeks that I am absolutely horrified by. The news actually makes me ill. How is this still happening in 2014???
I will not allow bigotry in any form in my life from here on out. I quit listening to bigoted jokes years ago. I quit repeating them years before that. Now, if I know it's wrong I HAVE to say something! Silence seems to be a bigger part of the problem than I ever gave it credit.
We need to bring this out into the light so it can die a proper death!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
You all know Robin Williams death really hit me hard, but this is where I am with it now.
There comes a time when you just need to cry...let it out. We then need to go back to remembering the people we loved for the reasons we loved them...not for their death.~LisaGail
Unfortunately, there are probably more contributing factors to Robin Williams' death than we will ever know. I've heard so many theories I had to quit listening. One that stands out is a medication he was on that may have caused suicidal thoughts. That makes sense to me. I HAD IT HAPPEN!!!
Now I am remembering all the great things Bipolar was to him. I honestly believe that part of his genius was from his Bipolar. I read yet another article that puts a direct correlation between mental illness & creativity. One doesn't make the other, but there is a disproportionately larger distribution of creativity in the 'mentally ill'.
The other great thing is that Robin Williams' death has given me a new call to educate & advocate for Bipolar! I've been LOUD & PROUD for years, but I was starting to forget I had a calling!
This really tickled me...
My mom hated Robin Williams...all comedians really, so I was thinking about them being in Heaven together. I can just picture Robin with his index finger pointing about an inch from my mom's arm & my mom screaming, 'God, He's touching me!'. I actually LOL when I pictured it!
At the beginning of the month I had my annual. I had blood in my urine so it set off a string of extra tests. They even ran a string of STD testing that I told them wasn't necessary. Lenny & I have been together almost 14 years & of course that all came back okay. I had to have a uterine ultra sound for some scary phrases like sloughing off, unusual bleeding and uterine cancer. I had surgery for endometriosis over 20 years ago so there was some concern of it's return. I wasn't at all worried I thought but I sure was relieved when it all came back normal! One fibroid? that seems of no concern.
I hadn't had a mammogram in 7 years (I KNOW I KNOW!) so I had that done too. It came back good as well. I NEVER miss an annual. I'm not sure why I put off the mammogram so long. It wasn't near as bad as I remembered. It was kind of cool...she told me that muscle on my chest (right in front of my armpit) might get in the way a bit....I never had a muscle there before. LOL
I haven't spoken to Samantha since her 'drugged & robbed' incident. On FaceBook I sent her a message that said, 'I love you'. That's all. Then last weekend out of nowhere she sent me a request for a game of Words with Friends. I decided to not answer the request until the next morning because I KNEW there was more to it. Sure enough the next morning there was a note asking me to 'babysit'. I told her I was sorry, she needed to talk to Lenny, declined the game & unfriended her & Gabe both.
The grandsons have been over every week since her incident, but for Nana & Papa days, I have not 'babysat' since then. Gabe has been coming over to drop them off & pick them up except for once she came to get them. I wasn't home.
Lenny finally asked Gabe what happened to Samantha & he immediately started lying. Needless to say, the conversation went bad really fast! I called him a liar to his face. I'm done with that! He & I actually got into a screaming match in part due to him saying that I 'don't know the meaning of trust'! WOW! It's hard to trust the untrustworthy! GEE!!!
Lenny & I even got into a fight over me calling his son a liar...UNTIL I told him exactly how I KNEW Gabe was lying. It's a long story, but he tried lying about Samantha getting mental health care. I KNOW the mental health care system in our state! I've been dealing with it for 17.5 years!!! I've been an advocate in our state! Besides, I don't just blow smoke! If I talk about something I KNOW what I am talking about OR I research it to find out! GAWD!
Lenny went over to their house & confronted Gabe on the lies and straightened him out on a few facts. I don't even know if Gabe knew he was lying about everything or just repeating lies Samantha told him, but either way he is on my 'do not call' list too! They both can only talk to Lenny! Gabe & I apologized to each other for screaming at each other, but as far as I'm concerned that is where our relationship stays.
In other news....
I bought a new computer. I am SO happy! My other one was on it's last leg so I got this one before the old one just never turned on again. I ended up spending about $70 more than I had planned, but I'm not sorry. For Mikhail's school, my writing and just entertainment I consider it a great investment.
Skunk is turning into a very nice cat. I'm glad he came from a family with kids & dogs because I think it helped him fit in better here. He loves Laila! I'm not sure if he considers her a girlfriend or a mom, but either way it's too cute! He's even good with Tiberius! That kind of surprised me. I've never seen a kitten that was so great with a 2 year old. Tiberius is surprisingly gentle with him tho. Especially considering they've had trouble with him & their own kitten....just regular stuff like thinking the cat's tail is for picking him up. I think it helps that we've always taught him how to pet and touch Laila! No hitting or kicking behavior is ever allowed!!! I've even allowed Laila to growl at him if he invades her space. Kids need to know when to back off!
So, there you go...some random thoughts! I love you all.
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