LOFLLAMA   53,032
50,000-59,999 SparkPoints
LOFLLAMA's Recent Blog Entries

Thankfully there is a hill at the bottom of THAT tree....

Friday, October 03, 2014

And THIS apple rolled so far away I started my own orchard!

My father called me again a few days ago & hung up on me AGAIN! He gave me a 5 minute lecture on how I was OVERBEARING just like my mother because I asked him to quit using racist terms while talking to me. He said she used to do the same thing, but nobody has ever told him that 'Negro' & 'Colored' are outdated terms. WTF???? I have been asking him for YEARS to quit using those words!

Then he gave me another 5 minute lecture on how he used 'colored' to describe ALL people. Indians are red skinned, Asians yellowed skinned, whites white skinned, etc. When (The last time he hung up on me!) I had asked him to not use the term again he had said, 'Indians & 'colored' people'...so now he's just lying to me??? To make himself feel better??? He wouldn't say '2 legged people', so IF ALL people are colored why would he need to say it??? I think somebody told him that & he decided that was how to justify his bigotry. SMH!

I listened to his 10 minutes worth of lectures on HOW I could talk to him & what I was allowed to say to him. I said, 'Okay, then here is what I don't want to talk about. My mom, my grandfather, my sisters, black people or gay people.' & HE HUNG UP ON ME AGAIN!

I blocked his phone numbers! I'm pissed! I have to listen to 10 minutes about how horrible I am & his justification of bigotry & then he hangs up on me when I put in my piece??? Yea, I don't think so!

I don't know how I got out of my family alive, but I am so thankful I don't have to behave like they do. I've put up with a lot of crap from my dad over the last 13 years trying to let my son know his grandfather. But at what cost???? Mikhail asked me 'Why is grandpa a racist?' All I could say was I don't know. I don't want MY son exposed to it!!!

Just a few reasons he is out of my life for good this time:

His bigotry.
His constant running my mom down. (they've been divorced for 37 years. She's been DEAD for almost 9)
His yelling at me.
His half-assed apologies. (IF I....)
Him telling me that my grandmother said 'The girls used to go to Craig' {The child molester in the family}
Him talking about grandma like she's a flipping saint, but my grandpa (my favorite person EVER!) was the worst human ever.
He won't mention my NAME to my younger sister because it upsets her, but I get to hear about her EVERY time I talk to him.
Him ignoring my son's I love you because he's mad at me.
Him breaking my things & then blaming my son for it!

Yea, I think my son will be okay without a grandpa! I am so aggravated about him right now. As a child I hated my father. I left home at 16...He kicked me out. Most of my young adulthood I had no contact with him. When I left my ex-husband I actually lived with my ex-in-laws because my dad couldn't let me stay with him for a few weeks until I got on my feet. Tho, my step sister lived with them most of 15 years!!!

He contacted me after I had my nervous breakdown...I assume out of a touch of guilt. We've had an ongoing relationship since then.... with him saying $#!T like 'She'll probably leave Mikhail since she's just like her mom' about me. But NOW I'M DONE!

Sorry this is just one long complaint, but I need to write it out. I've always dreamed of a 'normal' relationship with my dad, but I have finally realized it just isn't possible. I think he's nuts!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN608 10/11/2014 12:58AM

    I was reading your descriptions of his behavior and thought he sounds somewhat like Archer Bunker. DH watches that all the time. You can't pick your relatives. There is no such thing as normal in families. It's a myth.

Report Inappropriate Comment
CAJUNBUCKEYE59 10/7/2014 5:53AM

    Good for you...A good role model is better than a bad grandpa anyday.. Is that how his dad treated him? could just be carry over effect....my brother is a racist to the bone, I grew up in Southwest Louisiana and when they segregated the schools back in the sixties i can remember my brothers coming home with tales of fights they had with the blacks...but he has carried that for his entire life...my sister hasn't talked to him for over 30 years because of it.. i haven't seen him in almost 10 years when he tried to tell me that his ex wife was running around on him but it was the other way around...treated her like poop...my older brother still to this day swears i owe him for a meal at his house in the early 80's and i asked him if he was serious and he was and that has been over 15 years ago..last time i seen him was at our dads funeral...butt heads....my life is better without them and your sons will be too...like i said in the beginning a good role model is better than a bad grandpa....hope things turn to the better for you...

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHERYLE51 10/4/2014 5:53PM

    Too bad we can't pick our family like our friends. We are going to my wonderful sister's 50th birthday party where all the perfect people live. We just received an imvitation to my niece's sixteenth birthday, sister's very perfect daughter. If my mother were not alive I wouldn't have anything to do with them.
Anyhow made it to Saturday zumba. Hoping this will help with weight and stress.

Report Inappropriate Comment
KIM22211 10/4/2014 5:40AM

    no such thing as normal! lol

Report Inappropriate Comment
EILEEN828 10/4/2014 3:49AM

    We've all heard of how you can't change a person, they can only change themselves. It pretty much turns out to be true. It's so much harder though when it's your family. It's a rotten shame that he feels compelled to try and aggrevate you. Thank God again you have the sense to know what is right and have done such a fine job of ending the bull crap at his generation. Your son is going to have a much more successful and meaningful life because of learning the true value of people.

Report Inappropriate Comment
AJDOVER1 10/3/2014 11:47PM

    I hope venting helps you feel better. I agree Mikhail doesn't need person in his life.

Someday you may want to grieve the loss of your hope that you could have a normal relationship with your dad. Maybe right now you could celebrate making a choice that will free you from having that negativity around you. A good life starts with you.

Report Inappropriate Comment

    When you stop having expectations of him, you'll be in better shape. It really feels good when you stop banging your head against the wall. So I'm told.

"Normal" relationship. Teehee.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

P.S. Just noticed IceCub's comment and agree. He sets out to push your buttons. He's a buttonhole [pronounced minus the two middle letters].

Comment edited on: 10/3/2014 11:47:59 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
ICECUB 10/3/2014 10:32AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 10/3/2014 8:27AM

    Rampage hang up or walk away

Report Inappropriate Comment
COCK-ROBIN 10/3/2014 6:13AM

    Good for you! You stood up to him and got rid of one of the negative people in your life. What he does speaks more about him than about you.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Dancing with my skeletons!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I told my friend Terry the other day that I should run for President. He asked, 'Aren't you worried about the skeletons in your closet?' I said, 'I don't have many left. I kicked most of them out & I took the others out to dance with!' I do leave that one that glows in the dark so I can see in there tho!

When I was at the grocery store the other day I noticed the manager had new tattoos on his forearms. I said, 'Oh, my gosh. Are those gang tattoos?' In total seriousness he looks at me & says, 'No, it's Celtic writing.' No $#!T!!!! What...am I an idiot??? I'm going to ask a gang banger about his tats??? And I've never seen Celtic writing before??? Did you know that's pronounced Keltic? emoticon

Tomorrow I'm going to go down and volunteer for the teenage homeless shelter. The fact that it even needs to exist breaks my heart. I read that up to 40% of LGBT kids end up on the street when they come out to their families. How is that even possible? How can you quit loving your kid because you found something out about them that has always been true???...you just didn't know yet.

I had ANOTHER kid come up for change the other day. He wasn't much older than Mikhail. He said, 'God bless you' to me because I gave him a little change. His worry was that it was going to get too hot that day. It was his second day living outside. Handing him some change was not enough!

How does that happen???

People say that people end up in a bad way because they made bad decisions or that they took wrong turns. REALLY??? Paris Hilton has never made a bad choice??? Lindsey Lohan??? CHARLIE SHEEN???? It's convenient to blame the person so we don't have to see how society has let homeless people down!!!

Weird blog, I know.

Bipolar Mania!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN608 10/11/2014 12:51AM

    one does have to be careful mentioning some one's tattoos. Dh says stuff like, do you KNOW you have a tattoo on your LEG?
I have reminded him over and over that it is bad tattoo etiquette, I think, to say that.
No, I don't have any tattoos.

Just don't want to get punched out for saying the wrong thing.

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAREN608 10/11/2014 12:47AM

    You could hand out peanut butter sandwiches or something too. Everyone has to eat. Good for you to be kindhearted.

Report Inappropriate Comment
AJDOVER1 9/22/2014 12:50PM

    I've been homeless.

Vote for Lisa!

Report Inappropriate Comment
EILEEN828 9/22/2014 4:15AM

    Lisa for President. Peace and Equality with Health and Prosperity for all. Whether you like it or not. No you do not get a choice or you will be sent promptly to bed. No dessert for you. And don't forget you got some chores to do. Later we will all have a picnic with soap bubble wands and ice cream sundaes. OMG the States according to Lisa sounds kinda nice. I'll bring the barby. emoticon Dang it Fall is here, I miss summer already! Let us know how things go at the shelter.

Comment edited on: 9/22/2014 4:16:38 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
SLLYONS51 9/21/2014 1:17PM

  I have been to homeless shelters for my previous job--so sad.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 9/21/2014 12:08PM

    Forgive deal with and they go away

Report Inappropriate Comment
ICECUB 9/21/2014 9:05AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
GAILANN48 9/21/2014 8:10AM

    I agree that all of us make poor decisions (I have some skeletons, too, and love the idea of dragging them out into the light to dance. :)) It seems unfair that those decisions have a much more devastating effect on some of us than on others...some of us have received such mercy and grace while others pay the full price.

I don't understand how you can stop loving a child, no matter what they do. What you wrote about parents disowning their own kids because they discovered something about them that's always been true was a BRILLIANT observation. It should be in some campaign somewhere.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JCLJR4547 9/21/2014 8:00AM

  great blog. more people need to care!

Report Inappropriate Comment

Me & My Family!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Yesterday I went to get my hair trimmed & got the best compliment. Mikhail had gone over to the grocery store next door to the hair place while I was getting my hair cut. The beautician & I were talking about our kids. Mikhail came back in & when the girl saw him she said, 'That's your son?' When I said yes she said. 'Oh, you do have a great kid. I've cut his hair a couple of times. He is so polite. We all love him & really appreciate that.'!!! She said, 'We don't see that many great kids.'

*Beaming*!!!! Lenny gets his hair cut about every 3 weeks so they see Mikhail pretty often. It really makes my heart swell when people compliment my son. I did that!!! No matter how bad I feel about myself I know I've done one thing right! One HUGE thing right! You don't raise a great kid by accident!

A friend was talking about how bad times are right now & said she was thankful she didn't have kids to go forth in this big bad world. I don't see it that way at all. I have Faith that MY son & grandsons are going to make the world a better place. I recognize that all parents aren't as open-minded and free spirited as I am, but I believe in the next generation!

My son's lack of prejudice, ability to keep Peace and concern for the world all give me Hope for a better place! His sense of humor & honesty will serve this country well!

Mikhail came running out of the computer room a couple of days ago & screamed, 'Mom, I think I caught the Bipolar!' Smart Aleck!!!

I still haven't talked to Samantha. It's been over 2 months. I'm starting to miss 'babysitting' on the weekends. Orion & Tiberius still come over for Nana & Papa days, but I haven't babysat them since Samantha's Incident! The boys had always been over a couple of times a week before. Now it's once a week. Once in awhile we'll even miss a week. They spent the night once. Orion hasn't even spent the night in probably a month...usually he does at least every other week.

Samantha is trying to reach out now. She sent me a game request for Words with Friends on FaceBook & made a big deal to Lenny about me being able to have my car when all the boys go to the Lego Store for Orion's birthday next week.

I imagine me not babysitting for them has put a huge dent in their income since a babysitter makes more than Samantha's hourly wage.

I'm past being mad at Samantha, but it's been really nice not having the drama & chaos that IS Samantha on a weekly basis too! I don't know if I'm ready to take her back on. She's like a little dirt devil that storms up my life.

Skunk isn't supposed to go outside. Yesterday when Mikhail got up Lenny had left the back door open. Mikhail thought he saw Skunk outside & ran around for about 10 minutes trying to get his cat back inside. Skunk comes to his name, but wouldn't even look up when Mikhail called to him. He took some of Skunk's toys out & tried to lure him into the house that way. Even food wouldn't work. Lenny came back to the door & Skunk was laying there in the doorway trying to figure out what all the commotion was. Mikhail had been chasing a neighborhood kitten around our yard! HAHAHAHA!!!

I still haven't talked to my dad either. It's been almost a month. I guess if his right to use bigoted terms is THAT important to him than my relationship with him isn't really worth having! It just shows the true lack of respect he has for me. He doesn't deserve a place in my life if he can't at least respect my values.

I'm feeling much better. I've only been on the Cymbalta for a week, but I definitely feel a change. My sleep is still screwy, but it has been since I was a teenager so I'm not expecting any great change in that. I need to work better at my 'sleep hygiene'.

I realized how big my coping skills really are a part of who I am now. When my Dr told me the reason I don't have full blown manics any more is probably because of my coping skills I started really paying attention to how much I use them. I realized that's also why I don't have those horrible deep down soul destroying depressions anymore either. I might not stay 'stable' as much as I'd like, but the extremes are nowhere near as bad as they once were. Coping skills are at least as important as the meds!!!

Have a Beautiful day like I plan on having!!!

Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEARINGTHIN 9/21/2014 7:04AM

    Lisa, I read about five of your blogs. Let me just say three words, "It gets easier". And that is really true. Glenn

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAREN-IS-HERE 9/18/2014 11:22PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
ICECUB 9/16/2014 6:50PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
SLLYONS51 9/16/2014 6:25PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
EILEEN828 9/16/2014 4:41PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 9/16/2014 8:10AM

    Medication helps a lot to

Report Inappropriate Comment
EVIE4NOW 9/16/2014 8:01AM

  Hope life gets better for you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ELRIDDICK 9/16/2014 7:01AM

  Thanks for sharing

Report Inappropriate Comment

A Glimpse Inside....

Monday, September 15, 2014

The other day I wrote on my status something like At any given moment you'd have to give me a $10 bill if you said 'A penny for your thoughts' to me. My friend Ramona asked if I was manic. No. It's how I think. I always have at least 3-4 thoughts going through my head at once...even when I'm talking or listening. It's very distracting...to say the least!

When I'm depressed I tend to have catastrophic thinking. I can see a policeman in my rearview mirror and before one of us pulls off I have myself in prison for a crime I didn't commit. It goes something like this: There is a police officer behind me. Oh, crap what if I have a tail light out? I had to take a Klonopin before I could go out. What if I 'look stoned'? He'll want me to walk a line. I slept horrible last night. I probably will stumble because I'm nervous. I'll fall into him & he'll think I was reaching for his gun. He'll put me in handcuffs & put me into the back seat. I'll notice an APB on the dashboard of a woman who looks just like me. I spend a lot of time alone or just with my 13 y/o son. I can't have an alibi. I can't even remember what I was doing at the time the crimes were being committed. The prosecuting attorney has an agenda because this is the case that she'll start her career on. The sentence comes down that I got three life sentences consecutively. Oh, wait...the cop turned off.

When I'm manic it's like this: I need to do the dishes. I fill up the sink with scalding hot water & then go look for dishes in the other rooms. I need to make my bed. How did cat hair get on Lenny's pillow? He's allergic. I need to vacuum that off. before I get the vacuum I better go to the bathroom because if I'm getting the vacuum out I might as well vacuum the bedroom. The bathtub is disgusting. Oh, yea, I'm going to see if Spic-n-span will clean that now that they quit putting abrasive in comet. I better put that on a list before I forget again. God, the drawer that I keep my notebook in is such a mess. I better write out all of my grocery list. I'll clean that drawer. Oh, there's my address book. I need to email something to Lenny's mom. Mikhail is on the computer doing schoolwork. Oh, I need to show him that science thing. He needs help with math Again??? I wish I's have paid better attention in my own schooling. Why is the cat acting like that? He needs to be fed. I probably should go ahead & feed the dog too since it's getting late. Her water bowl needs to be refilled. Dadburnit! I have a sink full of dishes in cold water!

Luckily, I don't spend too much time on either end of that spectrum. You can see how it would kill me if I had to! It's exhausting!

Even when I'm 'normal' I think too much. It's nowhere near as extreme. As I'm talking on the phone I can be thinking about what to make for dinner, Mikhail's lesson plan & writing a list. I think I come across as scatter-brained sometimes.

I thought you might like to have a 'glimpse inside'. I hope it helps you to understand me a little better!

Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EILEEN828 9/16/2014 4:49PM

    Awww, just admit it, you're just a mexican jumping bean hyped up on sriracha sauce. Hmmm I think I resemble that remark too. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SLLYONS51 9/15/2014 3:09PM

  Wow that would be exhausting. My Grandson is bipolar. Thank-you for the glimpse into his mind. Now I know why he never finishes anything.

Report Inappropriate Comment
KIM22211 9/15/2014 2:43PM

    I am that way a bit maybe not quite extreme but I can be cooky!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ICECUB 9/15/2014 7:38AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 9/15/2014 7:36AM

    When I am real depressed I feel like doing nothing

Report Inappropriate Comment
CAJUNBUCKEYE59 9/15/2014 6:20AM

    Wow that would exhaust me to no end, congrats on handling your situation....i would say get on a schedule but i don't think that would help with the thought process that you have going on .......maybe a couple of rubber bands on your wrist to snap yourself with to keep your attention on one project till completion or maybe a reward system to where you treat yourself when a job gets done...saying a quote or doing a little jig can be a reward in that sense...just me rambling throwing some ideas your way...have a great start of the week my friend!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
RUTHIET_456 9/15/2014 6:02AM

    Congrats on being in a better place. I understand you fully.

Report Inappropriate Comment


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Bipolar Shenanigans!!!

I'm sure some of you are very tired of hearing about me being Bipolar. Trust me when I tell you I am more tired of it than you are. It's very hard being me! Yes, I AM Bipolar! I know lots of people take exception to that phrase. I am Bipolar. I have Bipolar. Pshaw. Whatever. Some days I feel like I AM Bipolar! Some days I am the very meaning of Bipolar!

I think the Cymbalta is starting to work. I took my first dose Tuesday morning & about 20 minutes later I was CURED! HA! Remember I'm Bipolar...Not Bacon! I did feel better right away, but I'm sure that was the relief of starting a new med. I've been going to this rodeo for many many years! Even tho I was on Zoloft for 17.5 years the Drs have mixed & matched my meds many times over the years.

The nurse told me Tuesday that my Dr wanted me to quit taking Savella (my med for fibromyalgia) too. So altogether I quit 3 meds to take 1. I'm happy about being on less, but a little concerned because before the Savella I had horrible flares from fibromyalgia. With Savella I was able to stop all narcotics. Before Savella I had to take narcotics every few months. I don't think I've had a prescription in over 1.5 years now.

Cymbalta is indicated for fibromyalgia & depression. I talked to my pharmacist before I quit taking the Savella. If my pharmacist would have recommended both I would have talked to my Dr about both, but he was totally on board with one or the other.

The reason I write such detail about all of this is because I want other Bipolars to see they are not alone in the perfect med quest, that you have to be a part of your treatment and that there is continued hope. I also want loved ones of mental illness (keck!) to realize that it's an ongoing battle for many of us, but not a surrendered one!

I have all but quit watching the news again. I don't know if it adds to my depression, but it sure as hell doesn't help it! I like my pink bubble where everyone is as nice as I am! HA! I know I can be moody, (gawd that phrase irritates me!) but I would never just hurt somebody for the sake of hurting them. I do not understand mean people & I don't want to either! The news is full of mean people!

Speaking of Bipolar...
I cannot snap out of it.
I will not calm down.
I don't even know how to pull myself up by my bootstraps.
I don't want to suck it up.
BUT I will live up to my potential!

Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLLYONS51 9/14/2014 5:19PM

  I stopped watching the news years ago. Anything I need to know I read on line. I find most news depressing also.

Report Inappropriate Comment
AJDOVER1 9/14/2014 4:52PM

    I'm not sure I'd know a bootstrap if I saw one....

Report Inappropriate Comment
_RAMONA 9/14/2014 10:34AM

    I stopped watching/listening to the news 30 years ago, and I have never regretted it. The truly important stuff filters into my life on a 'need to know basis.'

You just keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself!


Report Inappropriate Comment
ICECUB 9/14/2014 9:36AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
KAREN608 9/14/2014 8:26AM

I don't have any boot or bootstraps to pull up on anyway. heh heh.

Happy Sunday!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 9/14/2014 7:54AM

    We live each day the best we can

Report Inappropriate Comment

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 Last Page