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But is it DEPRESSION???

Saturday, August 30, 2014

I don't know if I ever really have shared how horrible my depression was when I was younger...before I was medicated for Bipolar. My Bipolar cycled really close to the seasons. In the Spring I was AWESOME. In the Summer I was Great. In the Fall I was okay. In the Winter I was as close to dead as a person could get. For months I would think of ways to die, how best to die or fear death at a paralyzing level.

When I woke up in the morning most days the very first thought would be 'Will today be the day I finally get to be released from the Hell I call life?'. As I fell asleep at night I'd think 'Tomorrow I might have the courage to end it'. Or I would cry myself to sleep knowing I would die before morning. I begged God to kill me. I begged Him to spare me, but not make me live the way I did anymore.

As a young child I remember holding a pillow over my face until I had to let go. I couldn't hold it long enough. I was too scared. I was 15 the first time I overdosed. I SCREAMED for help, but none came. I was given some MAOI anti-depressant, but I had to limit everything I ate. I told my dad I didn't want to take it anymore so he told me to stop & I was done being treated for 'depression'.

In my mid twenties I slit my wrists bad enough to require stitches. The ER Dr stitched me up & sent me home. I was cutting on a pretty regular basis because I was drinking pretty heavy. I have scars from my ankles to my chest. Stab marks, slashes, actual cuts deep enough requiring stitches. Scissors, razors, even jack knife marks.

I was medicated off & on in my early to mid twenties for depression, but usually in the Spring I'd feel SO GREAT that I didn't need medicine anymore. Or I was drinking & the effects were less than noticeable. I cried myself to sleep almost every night until I was over 25 years old.

Most of my childhood memories are remembered through the tears in my young eyes. I still remember better than I like the way stars stream when you look at them through teary eyes.

So now here I am at 47. I've been medicated 17.5 years for Bipolar. I've been sober for over 8.5 years so my meds should be working their best. I have a great life. My family is loving & supportive. Mikhail & Lenny would walk to the ends of the earth for me. I have two great little grandsons. I don't want for food, clothes or shelter. YET....

I have no energy. I don't want to do anything. Most days I could take 2 naps no problem. I haven't slept through the night more than half a dozen times all year. Everything hurts my feelings. The news upsets me to the point of tears. I don't want to leave home, but I'm bored out of my mind. I do what I HAVE to to get through a day...nothing extra...ever!

I have a med check with my Dr on Tuesday. I think it's time to talk about a new anti-depressant. I'm back seeing my REAL Dr. I was seeing a different one most of the last few years. Every time I talked to her about different anti-depressants she pushed mood stabilizers on me. Bipolars NEED Mood stabilizers she'd say. I don't do well on mood stabilizers. I've told you of everything from weight gain, oversleeping to suicidal thoughts brought on by them.

It's very hard because I'm on 3 anti-depressants now. 2 for depression. One for fibromyalgia. Drs are scared to treat the depression in Bipolars for fear of setting up a Manic. I have great coping skills for the mania. I don't 'go crazy' when I'm manic. I talk too much. I clean like a fiend. I get stuff done so I don't consider mania 'bad'. My coping skills help me refocus, calm down and bring myself back in when necessary.

I have a very hard time calling what I'm going through Depression. It's not that dark ugly place I spent so much of my childhood & young adulthood in. I don't want to die, but paralyzed by the thought of death like I was either. I would drive out of my way to avoid cemeteries because death scared me so bad. This despite the fact I so often wished to die.

All the BS from my childhood is in my mind. I'm lazy. I don't try hard enough. I'm not living up to my potential. I'm not THAT stupid!

Is this REAL depression or do I just need to adjust my mood? Is it that easy? Why can't I do it? I don't want to be lazy, fat or stupid. Why would I choose to be?

Bipolar Mania!

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ndividual.asp?gid=60148

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GAILANN48 9/2/2014 6:44AM

    You're asking the questions, you're intelligent, you're a fighter, and you'll find the answers you need for today. I respect and admire you, Lisa. You've got this.

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MARILYNROBERT 9/1/2014 2:26PM

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MRSKATEDUVALL 8/31/2014 11:54AM

    Oh, Lisa, we are more alike than I first thought. The best thing I did for bi-polar, fibro, depression was to add daily exercise, and a natureopath to the med team.

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AJDOVER1 8/30/2014 6:04PM

    Hope you get some answers when you see your doctor. Take very good care of yourself.

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SLLYONS51 8/30/2014 5:52PM

  emoticon You are not lazy fat or stupid. You have a disease that needs a different treatment. Hopefully your Dr. will listen to you and you and the Dr. can work through the best treatment for you emoticon

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_RAMONA 8/30/2014 11:25AM

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"So now here I am at 47." Welcome! Isn't it FUN? ...and NOTHING about it is easy.
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I have a perspective that may or may not be useful... from my own experience, and from my work in the area of mental health, something happens between age 45-60. What used to work no longer does. What never worked before, might. A variety of conditions can and do spontaneously resolve (I've seen paranoid schizophrenics 'recover' fully no meds needed ever again), making medication a bigger problem than it ever was help.

Mood-wise, I completely de-stabilized between age 45-50... I'm better now, and better every day. I think this is much more apparent in women than in men.

If it's possible, I'd also ask to see an endocrinologist... a number of things may be coming into play with regard to hormones and thyroid.

I'm SO sorry that you are having such a hard time... and your honesty humbles and touches me deeply. It has to be so frustrating and disappointing to move from stability onto "?" for no apparent reason. I'll be praying for swift answers and getting back on track ASAP.

...and as far as I can see, you are still choosing the better portion, no matter how it feels... you're asking the questions, you are observing, you will continue to choose well!

Go, Lisa GO!
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Go, Lisa GO!
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Go, Lisa GO!
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Comment edited on: 8/30/2014 11:26:08 AM

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KAREN-IS-HERE 8/30/2014 10:40AM

    emoticon emoticon I have no answers, I hope you find what fits knowing that adjustments are part of the medical process... it may be time for another medical adjustment in medicine. You have rough patches- you'll get what you need- I have confidence in your healthiest self because you are obviously a very smart ambitious human being doing what she can with diagnosis given.

Comment edited on: 8/30/2014 10:46:48 AM

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BRITT831 8/30/2014 8:29AM

    It DOES sound like depression to me, but not as extreme as the suicidal thoughts you had and acted on as a child. It seems to definitely be getting in the way of your daily lifeand I do bbelieve that is a major factor in diagnosing depression, instead of it just being a mood issue. I am no doctor as you know but from my experience with depression as an outsider looking in, it does seem likely. It seems the happy life and support is helping you not get as extreme as you once did when you were a child and didn't have that. Just my 2 cents :-) Keep on hanging in there, Lisa....it will get better, one day at a time.
Brittney

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FORZACHANDMATT 8/30/2014 8:27AM

    I am so sorry you are feeling bad right now and for all that you have been through - you are a very strong person. Hopefully on Tuesday, you and your doc can figure out the next stel emoticon

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ICECUB 8/30/2014 7:28AM

    I WISH I COULD SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. BUT I DON'T KNOW. ALL I CAN SAY ISI FEEL FOR YOU AND HOPE IT GETS BETTER. MAYBE A MED CHANGE WOULD HELP. emoticon

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GBSLIM 8/30/2014 7:23AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon U emoticon
Have you been using your "Happy" light? I am having to use mine which, if not for you I would not have. Thank you :)

Comment edited on: 8/30/2014 7:26:48 AM

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SANDRALEET 8/30/2014 7:06AM

    Depression can bring on pain in your mussels

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CAJUNBUCKEYE59 8/30/2014 6:14AM

    I think i have a solution to your problem...when i would feel overwhelmed and thought i would go crazy with life i would go out to our garage and get this rubber mallet i have and beat on this steel table till my frustrations would ease...set a schedule for your day..doesn't have to be fancy but include exercise, they have chair exercises listed in the fitness tab...shadow boxing is a good workout, imagine what is upsetting you in front of you and beat the hell out of it...exercise i find makes me feel great...I am on oxygen 24/7 tied to a oxygen line unless i am sitting still but even then i get winded..but i have been doing two a days sessions and it helps...this might help you feel better..hope this helps!!! have a great weekend!! emoticon emoticon

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Don't look at me....I'm Hideous!!!

Friday, August 29, 2014

I'd like a good manic about now so I could clean my house from top to bottom. Seriously, cobwebs on the ceiling to behind the stove to each & every closet in my house. I'd love to scrub the kitchen cupboards just because I have some extra energy. Maybe clean out my herb gardens to get them ready for next Spring because I did nothing extra with them since I weeded them in the Spring. I haven't used a fresh herb this Summer!

I'd more like to have a good manic tho so I can remember how great I am. I know those of you who aren't Bipolar don't get it, but being GRANDIOSE is awesome! Quite frankly, right now I'd settle for being okay.

I'm not sure that it's me that I am having such a hard time with. People call me too sensitive. Personally I think everyone could do with a little more empathy. In the news nobody wants to talk about the real issues of police brutality among young 'minority' groups. No! Let's blame people for using 'the race card' or even call it 'race baiting'. I'll tell you what, if I had a race card to use in our society I'd be flinging the effing thing like a death star & sticking it in an old white man's head about now! I don't understand why we can't just address the problem, apologize & STOP IT!

Blaming Muslims for all the problems of the world is on my last nerve right now too! ISIS, ISIL, Al-Qaeda are NOT an example of who Muslims are. Do you consider all Christians to be like Rev. Terry or Wright??? EXTREMISTS!!! A 'Holy War' is wrong no matter who starts it! Holy war doesn't even make sense! Biggest oxymoron ever stated!

PLEASE do not tell me who you blame in your comments! I don't care. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I am not asking for opinions right now. I'm disgusted! I am just writing out my feelings.

My 'family' is at the smallest it's been in years. I haven't talked to Samantha in 6 weeks, Gabe in 2 or my dad in 1. I'm fine with it. I can't take any of their junk right now. It's easy to see why people become recluses!

Did I mention I'm having a hard time right now?

Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=60148

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLLYONS51 8/29/2014 8:26PM

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ICECUB 8/29/2014 6:48PM

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_RAMONA 8/29/2014 2:21PM

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...have you read my blog of late? I got nothin'... but HUGS...


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GBSLIM 8/29/2014 10:28AM

    "Quite frankly, right now I'd settle for being okay." Me too emoticon
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KAREN-IS-HERE 8/29/2014 10:14AM

    emoticon
house cleaning..... yup- I get that 100%
It's the one thing I'm sure to get right and see instant results. Ta-Da!
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Comment edited on: 8/29/2014 10:15:33 AM

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 8/29/2014 9:45AM

    Poor, dear, sweet, little herbs. Get in there, girl.
Have I never told you that, once upon at time, I believed it was my responsibility to apologize to the world for the war in Vietnam? You wanna talk grandiose? And nuts?
The herbs, the herbs...

(Psst, you know someone who is even aware of having a clock radio in the BR? Who thinks of the clock radio? Send her to my house.)

Comment edited on: 8/29/2014 9:47:19 AM

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KAREN608 8/29/2014 8:23AM

    I thought on manic and cleaning house. I could use 4 days of that but then NOT.
Cobwebs in corner of living room I see,
WHAT I say oh my oh me,
Tiny Christmas tree,
corner dusty dusty dusty

But I did clean the clock radio in the bedroom........

Housework DOES make you ugly....right?

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SANDRALEET 8/29/2014 8:10AM

    As long as people are a mess the warld will be to We live to much in darkness Get in the light

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EILEEN828 8/29/2014 6:36AM

    Flinging death stars, eh. Perhaps the violence is perchance rubbing off on some one's last raw throbbing nerve? Somewhat similar to a raw throbbing headache no doubt. Yes it's frustrating to say the least, to watch the idiots of the world posture and primp. Grow up already! What's so wrong with Utopia anyhow? Don't you think it would be worth it? So greedy.... what it all boils down to in the end. Sludge. Sigh. I hope things start looking up soon for you. Think of this time as a mini mental vacation from the vagaries of familial personalities on strike. By the way any time you got some of that leftover surplus over wattage, just send it my way, I'm sure I'll find something to do with it. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/29/2014 6:39:53 AM

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CAJUNBUCKEYE59 8/29/2014 6:16AM

    Thats what this place if for, letting go of all the negative will give room for more positive ideas... emoticon

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BRITT831 8/29/2014 5:55AM

    Awww I'm so sorry to hear you're at a low spot right now. One day at a time, sweetie. I totally understand the recluse feeling. My family and a few friends have drama going on and I just wanna get away from it. Hang in there hun. It will get better.
Brittney

Comment edited on: 8/29/2014 5:58:05 AM

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CHERYLHURT 8/29/2014 5:35AM

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I'm not trying to be racist, but....

Sunday, August 24, 2014

If you are starting ANY sentence with this phrase it is probably a sentence you should not finish!!!

As long as we continue to pretend benign racism is acceptable we are part of the problem. I have been asking my father for years to quit using outdated terms for different groups of people. It has gotten to where it seems he does it as a direct insult to me. I am not going to tolerate it anymore!

He used a racial slur ONE time in my house & my son immediately repeated it in a sentence 'What does --- mean, Mom?' I took my son into the other room & explained the word & why we NEVER use it. I then went to my dad & told him if he ever used that word again in our presence that he would never be allowed in my home & would not see Mikhail again.

I know the other terms he uses are outdated at best. Racist at worst. Either way, he is going to stop using them in my presence or I will end my relationship with him. The other day I again corrected him & he actually said, 'It doesn't matter.' & HUNG UP ON ME!

That is disrespectful. If this was the only place he showed such blatant disrespect I might be more forgiving, but he won't even use my name in my sister's presence because he doesn't want to 'upset her'! But, I have to listen to junk about my mom, my grandpa, my sisters, people of different races, religions, etc....

The only reason I have overlooked this for as long as I have is because my dad was born & raised in MT. He is 70 years old so I have cut him slack for 'ignorance', but I have come to realize it is FEIGNED ignorance. That is way worse than real ignorance. He knows better, but doesn't care!

I had no idea that the level of racism was still so high in this country. I guess I've liked being in my little pink bubble thinking it was imaginary. I've learned so much these last 2 weeks that I am absolutely horrified by. The news actually makes me ill. How is this still happening in 2014???

I will not allow bigotry in any form in my life from here on out. I quit listening to bigoted jokes years ago. I quit repeating them years before that. Now, if I know it's wrong I HAVE to say something! Silence seems to be a bigger part of the problem than I ever gave it credit.

We need to bring this out into the light so it can die a proper death!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TASNIM2014 8/28/2014 10:36AM

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KAREN-IS-HERE 8/25/2014 11:27AM

    All in The Family - Tv show was all about bigotry racism ignorance and how idiotic it sounds on the ears a regular creep show of what scary is when it's played out for real.
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KAREN608 8/24/2014 4:12PM

    You've certainly evolved amazingly well considering your Dad! It is hard to be respectful to people who are not respectful to you, no matter who they are.

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GBSLIM 8/24/2014 1:28PM

    It'll die only when the entire human race does :(
Ok, maybe not everyone......

Comment edited on: 8/24/2014 1:29:54 PM

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 8/24/2014 1:06PM

    Then you will be cutting him out of your life.



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GARDENCHRIS 8/24/2014 11:50AM

    I agree with your premise..... but unfortunately we have people on the other side who WILL use the race card to advance whatever agenda they want..... SO it has to be respectful from whatever end of the spectrum you happen to be on.

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LINDA7668 8/24/2014 10:39AM

    I completely agree with you! There should be no place for this in our society. But yet racism and bigotry are alive and well. I have a racially mixed family and I can't tell you how many times we have been the topic of discussions or have been approached by mean spirited people.

And the bigotry goes both ways. I once had a coworker tell me that "the white man held him down." My response was that he needed to quit blaming others for his problems; that he was the only person standing in his way. Surprisingly, he took it very well. Apparently I was the first person to challenge his beliefs.

It will take people of all races and nationalities to put an end to all of this stupid hatred. God help us all if it doesn't stop.


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_RAMONA 8/24/2014 10:36AM

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SANDRALEET 8/24/2014 10:06AM

    There are more unkind self centered unloving people in the warld Have to have justification for all behavior Blame the victim Those we harm think we are better then

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ICECUB 8/24/2014 9:40AM

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AUNTRENEE 8/24/2014 9:39AM

    Amen to that. I hate when people act like that.

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Boooosh!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Today is a day I am so thankful. I just have so much greatness in my life. I commented on another blog about how Lenny says thank you, I love you & I am beautiful most days. Sometimes several times a day. How great is that? What's the best part is the way his blue eyes sparkle when he looks at me. To be able to SEE love in another person's eyes is something I hope everyone gets to experience.

Mikhail is still carrying Skunk around like a baby every day. He loves that cat so much. You know many 13 year olds would lose interest after a day or two. I was a little concerned that would happen, but I should have known better. My son is loyal!

Poor Skunk was exposed to being dressed up! Mikhail found some old outfits that belonged to his 'Club Penguin' plushies. Skunk was not amused. He just laid down. I have to admit it was a great laugh! Poor kitty.

It's almost time for school! Ah, to dust off....my butt! I feel like Summer went by without me accomplishing anything. GADS. We've had an unusually hot summer.

Tiberius turned 2 on August 1. Orion will be 8 in a month. Man, it goes by fast! Orion is starting the 2nd grade! Mikhail is 8/9th....geez. I hope I can still teach him!

I only have a 9th grade education. I did get my GED a couple of years after I dropped out, but I learn along with Mikhail much of the time. School is WAY different than when I was in. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to home school my son. I am 'certified' through the Superintendent of our school district so thankfully it seems my limited education was pretty good. I have to admit tho that I have learned way more on my own than I ever did in school.

I have an issue with authority...it seems.

I'm working pretty hard on getting back to educating & advocating Bipolar. I have my passion back.

With having the memories of my childhood finally returning my life story should be a little easier to write. HA! I'm going to have to rely more on myself now tho because my father is now on my 'do not call' list. At least until he learns some manners!

He uses ignorant names regarding different groups of people & I have asked him for years not to do it while talking to me, but he still does it. I've had enough! It's a level of disrespect I am not going to tolerate anymore. If it were ignorance I might be a little more forgiving, but it's FEIGNED ignorance which I find unacceptable!

Over the last month I have returned to being stronger in standing up for my core belief system & if people can't start respecting it they can go away. I'm not going to keep my mouth shut on matters that are SO important!

My dad's general lack of respect for me is just more obvious when he says things that he KNOWS I think are wrong!

I'm getting off that before I get any more aggravated by it!

I'm going to make today a productive one!

Bipolar Mania!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=60148

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLLYONS51 8/23/2014 10:54AM

  My Dad is visiting right now. As and 86 y/o he has finally mellowed enough that we can actually have a conversation. We home schooled our Grandson a couple of years ago. Took a lot out of us because he was so behind. I admire anyone that can do that in the long term.

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SANDRALEET 8/23/2014 9:29AM

    We each are different Think different reason different Each chose and have that right We each are made by God for his own purpose Some get lost and belong to this warld That is there choice

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BLUEJAY1969 8/22/2014 10:30PM

    I hear you! I too have issues with my father being rude! I finally told him I wasn't going to be calling him if he didn't stop it and miracle of miracles he has been so sweet recently! I know he knew it bugged me but maybe my saying something just finally jogged him enough to make him change!

Great job on homeschooling your children! I don't know where I would have begun when I was raising my daughter!
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Jeanne

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ICECUB 8/22/2014 6:39PM

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GBSLIM 8/22/2014 2:49PM

    Your blessings of love make my heart sing for you.
May your life with Lenny always be loving and
never become just companionable.

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KAREN-IS-HERE 8/22/2014 2:34PM

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KAREN608 8/22/2014 12:40PM

    Cats in Clothes. Need to youtube that!

I know I've had cats and if you put a harness on them they just fall over like they are paralyzed. It is so weird. You have to put harnesses on them from tiny kitten on up for them to accept it. Or most of them.

Some cats like water/swimming and some don't too.
Glad Skunk is working out so well.

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FORZACHANDMATT 8/22/2014 12:28PM

    You have come so far!

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_RAMONA 8/22/2014 11:37AM

    "I have an issue with authority...it seems"
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"To be able to SEE love in another person's eyes is something I hope everyone gets to experience." AMEN! I have that with my Mr.... it has healed so many wounds. I try to keep that at the front of my mind as I parent my daughter, and other lost souls who cross my path.

My Divine Miss O dresses the cat, too... he's a pretty passive old tom... and I think he prefers the doll stroller to walking... no kidding. I think it's an 'only' thing. My daughter freely admits that her stuffies and the cat are her 'brothers and sisters'... it's a healthy need for affection, and an opportunity to learn that relationships can't always be on your terms. The cat will still be a cat no mater what sort of clothes it may be wearing, LOL!

You sound STRONG and FOCUSSED! Glad to hear that voice of yours loud and clear!!!

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SYLPHINPROGRESS 8/22/2014 10:59AM

    What's wrong with this picture? Lenny never tells me that I'm beautiful.

Mikhail's devotion to Skunk is quite sweet. He may think it's funny to dress the baby up, but maybe, just maybe, it's also a way of ridiculing the cat so that he doesn't seem soft? His softness should be a secret? Maybe not, but I have seen kids, i.e, boys, behave offhandedly to hide the caring side -- that adolescent thing. Okay, enough analyzing someone I've not met.

Well, that holds for M. Your father, on the other hand, sounds emotionally juvenile. He insists on saying things that set you on edge because he craves attention? Negative attention is better than no attention?

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Random Thoughts with Lisa G...

Thursday, August 21, 2014

You all know Robin Williams death really hit me hard, but this is where I am with it now.

There comes a time when you just need to cry...let it out. We then need to go back to remembering the people we loved for the reasons we loved them...not for their death.~LisaGail

Unfortunately, there are probably more contributing factors to Robin Williams' death than we will ever know. I've heard so many theories I had to quit listening. One that stands out is a medication he was on that may have caused suicidal thoughts. That makes sense to me. I HAD IT HAPPEN!!!

Now I am remembering all the great things Bipolar was to him. I honestly believe that part of his genius was from his Bipolar. I read yet another article that puts a direct correlation between mental illness & creativity. One doesn't make the other, but there is a disproportionately larger distribution of creativity in the 'mentally ill'.

The other great thing is that Robin Williams' death has given me a new call to educate & advocate for Bipolar! I've been LOUD & PROUD for years, but I was starting to forget I had a calling!

This really tickled me...

My mom hated Robin Williams...all comedians really, so I was thinking about them being in Heaven together. I can just picture Robin with his index finger pointing about an inch from my mom's arm & my mom screaming, 'God, He's touching me!'. I actually LOL when I pictured it!

At the beginning of the month I had my annual. I had blood in my urine so it set off a string of extra tests. They even ran a string of STD testing that I told them wasn't necessary. Lenny & I have been together almost 14 years & of course that all came back okay. I had to have a uterine ultra sound for some scary phrases like sloughing off, unusual bleeding and uterine cancer. I had surgery for endometriosis over 20 years ago so there was some concern of it's return. I wasn't at all worried I thought but I sure was relieved when it all came back normal! One fibroid? that seems of no concern.

I hadn't had a mammogram in 7 years (I KNOW I KNOW!) so I had that done too. It came back good as well. I NEVER miss an annual. I'm not sure why I put off the mammogram so long. It wasn't near as bad as I remembered. It was kind of cool...she told me that muscle on my chest (right in front of my armpit) might get in the way a bit....I never had a muscle there before. LOL

I haven't spoken to Samantha since her 'drugged & robbed' incident. On FaceBook I sent her a message that said, 'I love you'. That's all. Then last weekend out of nowhere she sent me a request for a game of Words with Friends. I decided to not answer the request until the next morning because I KNEW there was more to it. Sure enough the next morning there was a note asking me to 'babysit'. I told her I was sorry, she needed to talk to Lenny, declined the game & unfriended her & Gabe both.

The grandsons have been over every week since her incident, but for Nana & Papa days, I have not 'babysat' since then. Gabe has been coming over to drop them off & pick them up except for once she came to get them. I wasn't home.

Lenny finally asked Gabe what happened to Samantha & he immediately started lying. Needless to say, the conversation went bad really fast! I called him a liar to his face. I'm done with that! He & I actually got into a screaming match in part due to him saying that I 'don't know the meaning of trust'! WOW! It's hard to trust the untrustworthy! GEE!!!

Lenny & I even got into a fight over me calling his son a liar...UNTIL I told him exactly how I KNEW Gabe was lying. It's a long story, but he tried lying about Samantha getting mental health care. I KNOW the mental health care system in our state! I've been dealing with it for 17.5 years!!! I've been an advocate in our state! Besides, I don't just blow smoke! If I talk about something I KNOW what I am talking about OR I research it to find out! GAWD!

Lenny went over to their house & confronted Gabe on the lies and straightened him out on a few facts. I don't even know if Gabe knew he was lying about everything or just repeating lies Samantha told him, but either way he is on my 'do not call' list too! They both can only talk to Lenny! Gabe & I apologized to each other for screaming at each other, but as far as I'm concerned that is where our relationship stays.

In other news....

I bought a new computer. I am SO happy! My other one was on it's last leg so I got this one before the old one just never turned on again. I ended up spending about $70 more than I had planned, but I'm not sorry. For Mikhail's school, my writing and just entertainment I consider it a great investment.

Skunk is turning into a very nice cat. I'm glad he came from a family with kids & dogs because I think it helped him fit in better here. He loves Laila! I'm not sure if he considers her a girlfriend or a mom, but either way it's too cute! He's even good with Tiberius! That kind of surprised me. I've never seen a kitten that was so great with a 2 year old. Tiberius is surprisingly gentle with him tho. Especially considering they've had trouble with him & their own kitten....just regular stuff like thinking the cat's tail is for picking him up. I think it helps that we've always taught him how to pet and touch Laila! No hitting or kicking behavior is ever allowed!!! I've even allowed Laila to growl at him if he invades her space. Kids need to know when to back off!

So, there you go...some random thoughts! I love you all.

Bipolar Mania!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLLYONS51 8/22/2014 1:36AM

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KAREN608 8/22/2014 1:10AM

    Glad that skunk is a very nice kitty.

Today the ladies down the road came looking for their yellow cat, and I told her about the Tuxedo cat. Since a stray black male is eating here too, I didn't want to feed 5 cats. So Tux is a couple miles away. I did tell the assorted children he is not used to kids and noise and let him settle in. Not sure how THAT will be. Rita really wanted a Tuxedo cat, though he is blotchy black and white on his body, she still thought he was the cat's meow. Only in the last 3 days have I been able to touch him, tho tame, he was upset. I fear for the poor guy. I told them to get a little wet food and it ought to win him over as previous owner fed that.

You had to be tough on the liars. No use dealing with them. Such a bad habit yet so many young people do that.

It was 77 degrees with 98 % humidity and felt like 90 at 11pm. Now pop up storms.
Ah, August!!! ack.

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EILEEN828 8/21/2014 7:26PM

    Glad to know you're running on all cylinders! As for family, sigh, whatta ya gonna do? Gabe and Samantha, seem intent on taking the long slow torturous route through life. One day they may actually wise up and listen to what you are saying. Gabe is really in a tough spot, but time will eventually show him the way. In the meantime keep enjoying the grandkids. Lucky you to have the fun of a new computer. Wish I had a new kitty, we still can't really have one because of my MIL is very allergic to t hem, which is too bad because she loves them too. Enjoy the rest of the summer.

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ICECUB 8/21/2014 6:43PM

    GOOD YOUR TESTS CAME BACK NORMAL I HAD TO LAUGH AT THE PICTURE OF YOUR MOM AND ROBIN WILLIAMS.

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_RAMONA 8/21/2014 2:50PM

    So glad to see you again!

I LOVE the picture of your mom and Robin Williams in heaven!

I think everyone should be remembered " for the reasons we loved them...not for their death." Well said!

As for the rest... the good, bad and the ugly, may today and every day bring to you a ridiculous abundance of whatever you need. May you find peace within and all around you. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith and desire... a desire which even itself issues from God. May all your concerns, struggles, anxieties and fears fall like ashes as you rise on eagle's wings, SOARING above all that would hinder you along this tremendous adventure of being and becoming all you are created to be. May you answer your call and use those gifts that you have received to pass on the love that has been given to you. May the presence of God settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love beyond your wildest imagination. May you be overwhelmed by the grace of God as it simply "overtakes" you moment by moment... rather than being overwhelmed by the cares of life!

I missed you, and I am so happy to have your voice loud and true in my corner of the world!

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GBSLIM 8/21/2014 12:41PM

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SANDRALEET 8/21/2014 8:37AM

    We like entertainment people put we love our family and friends I can separate them

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