Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Yesterday I went to get my hair trimmed & got the best compliment. Mikhail had gone over to the grocery store next door to the hair place while I was getting my hair cut. The beautician & I were talking about our kids. Mikhail came back in & when the girl saw him she said, 'That's your son?' When I said yes she said. 'Oh, you do have a great kid. I've cut his hair a couple of times. He is so polite. We all love him & really appreciate that.'!!! She said, 'We don't see that many great kids.'
*Beaming*!!!! Lenny gets his hair cut about every 3 weeks so they see Mikhail pretty often. It really makes my heart swell when people compliment my son. I did that!!! No matter how bad I feel about myself I know I've done one thing right! One HUGE thing right! You don't raise a great kid by accident!
A friend was talking about how bad times are right now & said she was thankful she didn't have kids to go forth in this big bad world. I don't see it that way at all. I have Faith that MY son & grandsons are going to make the world a better place. I recognize that all parents aren't as open-minded and free spirited as I am, but I believe in the next generation!
My son's lack of prejudice, ability to keep Peace and concern for the world all give me Hope for a better place! His sense of humor & honesty will serve this country well!
Mikhail came running out of the computer room a couple of days ago & screamed, 'Mom, I think I caught the Bipolar!' Smart Aleck!!!
I still haven't talked to Samantha. It's been over 2 months. I'm starting to miss 'babysitting' on the weekends. Orion & Tiberius still come over for Nana & Papa days, but I haven't babysat them since Samantha's Incident! The boys had always been over a couple of times a week before. Now it's once a week. Once in awhile we'll even miss a week. They spent the night once. Orion hasn't even spent the night in probably a month...usually he does at least every other week.
Samantha is trying to reach out now. She sent me a game request for Words with Friends on FaceBook & made a big deal to Lenny about me being able to have my car when all the boys go to the Lego Store for Orion's birthday next week.
I imagine me not babysitting for them has put a huge dent in their income since a babysitter makes more than Samantha's hourly wage.
I'm past being mad at Samantha, but it's been really nice not having the drama & chaos that IS Samantha on a weekly basis too! I don't know if I'm ready to take her back on. She's like a little dirt devil that storms up my life.
Skunk isn't supposed to go outside. Yesterday when Mikhail got up Lenny had left the back door open. Mikhail thought he saw Skunk outside & ran around for about 10 minutes trying to get his cat back inside. Skunk comes to his name, but wouldn't even look up when Mikhail called to him. He took some of Skunk's toys out & tried to lure him into the house that way. Even food wouldn't work. Lenny came back to the door & Skunk was laying there in the doorway trying to figure out what all the commotion was. Mikhail had been chasing a neighborhood kitten around our yard! HAHAHAHA!!!
I still haven't talked to my dad either. It's been almost a month. I guess if his right to use bigoted terms is THAT important to him than my relationship with him isn't really worth having! It just shows the true lack of respect he has for me. He doesn't deserve a place in my life if he can't at least respect my values.
I'm feeling much better. I've only been on the Cymbalta for a week, but I definitely feel a change. My sleep is still screwy, but it has been since I was a teenager so I'm not expecting any great change in that. I need to work better at my 'sleep hygiene'.
I realized how big my coping skills really are a part of who I am now. When my Dr told me the reason I don't have full blown manics any more is probably because of my coping skills I started really paying attention to how much I use them. I realized that's also why I don't have those horrible deep down soul destroying depressions anymore either. I might not stay 'stable' as much as I'd like, but the extremes are nowhere near as bad as they once were. Coping skills are at least as important as the meds!!!
Have a Beautiful day like I plan on having!!!
Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
Monday, September 15, 2014
The other day I wrote on my status something like At any given moment you'd have to give me a $10 bill if you said 'A penny for your thoughts' to me. My friend Ramona asked if I was manic. No. It's how I think. I always have at least 3-4 thoughts going through my head at once...even when I'm talking or listening. It's very distracting...to say the least!
When I'm depressed I tend to have catastrophic thinking. I can see a policeman in my rearview mirror and before one of us pulls off I have myself in prison for a crime I didn't commit. It goes something like this: There is a police officer behind me. Oh, crap what if I have a tail light out? I had to take a Klonopin before I could go out. What if I 'look stoned'? He'll want me to walk a line. I slept horrible last night. I probably will stumble because I'm nervous. I'll fall into him & he'll think I was reaching for his gun. He'll put me in handcuffs & put me into the back seat. I'll notice an APB on the dashboard of a woman who looks just like me. I spend a lot of time alone or just with my 13 y/o son. I can't have an alibi. I can't even remember what I was doing at the time the crimes were being committed. The prosecuting attorney has an agenda because this is the case that she'll start her career on. The sentence comes down that I got three life sentences consecutively. Oh, wait...the cop turned off.
When I'm manic it's like this: I need to do the dishes. I fill up the sink with scalding hot water & then go look for dishes in the other rooms. I need to make my bed. How did cat hair get on Lenny's pillow? He's allergic. I need to vacuum that off. before I get the vacuum I better go to the bathroom because if I'm getting the vacuum out I might as well vacuum the bedroom. The bathtub is disgusting. Oh, yea, I'm going to see if Spic-n-span will clean that now that they quit putting abrasive in comet. I better put that on a list before I forget again. God, the drawer that I keep my notebook in is such a mess. I better write out all of my grocery list. I'll clean that drawer. Oh, there's my address book. I need to email something to Lenny's mom. Mikhail is on the computer doing schoolwork. Oh, I need to show him that science thing. He needs help with math Again??? I wish I's have paid better attention in my own schooling. Why is the cat acting like that? He needs to be fed. I probably should go ahead & feed the dog too since it's getting late. Her water bowl needs to be refilled. Dadburnit! I have a sink full of dishes in cold water!
Luckily, I don't spend too much time on either end of that spectrum. You can see how it would kill me if I had to! It's exhausting!
Even when I'm 'normal' I think too much. It's nowhere near as extreme. As I'm talking on the phone I can be thinking about what to make for dinner, Mikhail's lesson plan & writing a list. I think I come across as scatter-brained sometimes.
I thought you might like to have a 'glimpse inside'. I hope it helps you to understand me a little better!
Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
Sunday, September 14, 2014
I'm sure some of you are very tired of hearing about me being Bipolar. Trust me when I tell you I am more tired of it than you are. It's very hard being me! Yes, I AM Bipolar! I know lots of people take exception to that phrase. I am Bipolar. I have Bipolar. Pshaw. Whatever. Some days I feel like I AM Bipolar! Some days I am the very meaning of Bipolar!
I think the Cymbalta is starting to work. I took my first dose Tuesday morning & about 20 minutes later I was CURED! HA! Remember I'm Bipolar...Not Bacon! I did feel better right away, but I'm sure that was the relief of starting a new med. I've been going to this rodeo for many many years! Even tho I was on Zoloft for 17.5 years the Drs have mixed & matched my meds many times over the years.
The nurse told me Tuesday that my Dr wanted me to quit taking Savella (my med for fibromyalgia) too. So altogether I quit 3 meds to take 1. I'm happy about being on less, but a little concerned because before the Savella I had horrible flares from fibromyalgia. With Savella I was able to stop all narcotics. Before Savella I had to take narcotics every few months. I don't think I've had a prescription in over 1.5 years now.
Cymbalta is indicated for fibromyalgia & depression. I talked to my pharmacist before I quit taking the Savella. If my pharmacist would have recommended both I would have talked to my Dr about both, but he was totally on board with one or the other.
The reason I write such detail about all of this is because I want other Bipolars to see they are not alone in the perfect med quest, that you have to be a part of your treatment and that there is continued hope. I also want loved ones of mental illness (keck!) to realize that it's an ongoing battle for many of us, but not a surrendered one!
I have all but quit watching the news again. I don't know if it adds to my depression, but it sure as hell doesn't help it! I like my pink bubble where everyone is as nice as I am! HA! I know I can be moody, (gawd that phrase irritates me!) but I would never just hurt somebody for the sake of hurting them. I do not understand mean people & I don't want to either! The news is full of mean people!
Speaking of Bipolar...
I cannot snap out of it.
I will not calm down.
I don't even know how to pull myself up by my bootstraps.
I don't want to suck it up.
BUT I will live up to my potential!
Bipolar Mania! www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
Saturday, August 30, 2014
I don't know if I ever really have shared how horrible my depression was when I was younger...before I was medicated for Bipolar. My Bipolar cycled really close to the seasons. In the Spring I was AWESOME. In the Summer I was Great. In the Fall I was okay. In the Winter I was as close to dead as a person could get. For months I would think of ways to die, how best to die or fear death at a paralyzing level.
When I woke up in the morning most days the very first thought would be 'Will today be the day I finally get to be released from the Hell I call life?'. As I fell asleep at night I'd think 'Tomorrow I might have the courage to end it'. Or I would cry myself to sleep knowing I would die before morning. I begged God to kill me. I begged Him to spare me, but not make me live the way I did anymore.
As a young child I remember holding a pillow over my face until I had to let go. I couldn't hold it long enough. I was too scared. I was 15 the first time I overdosed. I SCREAMED for help, but none came. I was given some MAOI anti-depressant, but I had to limit everything I ate. I told my dad I didn't want to take it anymore so he told me to stop & I was done being treated for 'depression'.
In my mid twenties I slit my wrists bad enough to require stitches. The ER Dr stitched me up & sent me home. I was cutting on a pretty regular basis because I was drinking pretty heavy. I have scars from my ankles to my chest. Stab marks, slashes, actual cuts deep enough requiring stitches. Scissors, razors, even jack knife marks.
I was medicated off & on in my early to mid twenties for depression, but usually in the Spring I'd feel SO GREAT that I didn't need medicine anymore. Or I was drinking & the effects were less than noticeable. I cried myself to sleep almost every night until I was over 25 years old.
Most of my childhood memories are remembered through the tears in my young eyes. I still remember better than I like the way stars stream when you look at them through teary eyes.
So now here I am at 47. I've been medicated 17.5 years for Bipolar. I've been sober for over 8.5 years so my meds should be working their best. I have a great life. My family is loving & supportive. Mikhail & Lenny would walk to the ends of the earth for me. I have two great little grandsons. I don't want for food, clothes or shelter. YET....
I have no energy. I don't want to do anything. Most days I could take 2 naps no problem. I haven't slept through the night more than half a dozen times all year. Everything hurts my feelings. The news upsets me to the point of tears. I don't want to leave home, but I'm bored out of my mind. I do what I HAVE to to get through a day...nothing extra...ever!
I have a med check with my Dr on Tuesday. I think it's time to talk about a new anti-depressant. I'm back seeing my REAL Dr. I was seeing a different one most of the last few years. Every time I talked to her about different anti-depressants she pushed mood stabilizers on me. Bipolars NEED Mood stabilizers she'd say. I don't do well on mood stabilizers. I've told you of everything from weight gain, oversleeping to suicidal thoughts brought on by them.
It's very hard because I'm on 3 anti-depressants now. 2 for depression. One for fibromyalgia. Drs are scared to treat the depression in Bipolars for fear of setting up a Manic. I have great coping skills for the mania. I don't 'go crazy' when I'm manic. I talk too much. I clean like a fiend. I get stuff done so I don't consider mania 'bad'. My coping skills help me refocus, calm down and bring myself back in when necessary.
I have a very hard time calling what I'm going through Depression. It's not that dark ugly place I spent so much of my childhood & young adulthood in. I don't want to die, but paralyzed by the thought of death like I was either. I would drive out of my way to avoid cemeteries because death scared me so bad. This despite the fact I so often wished to die.
All the BS from my childhood is in my mind. I'm lazy. I don't try hard enough. I'm not living up to my potential. I'm not THAT stupid!
Is this REAL depression or do I just need to adjust my mood? Is it that easy? Why can't I do it? I don't want to be lazy, fat or stupid. Why would I choose to be?
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